HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger
and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow
cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill
away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force
jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls
emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and
vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing
later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill
in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply
Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and
close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of
scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to
cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss
back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new
one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from
across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed
into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill
from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws
with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining
table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push
pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet
steak.
Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2
pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive
you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to
order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell
and call local pet shop to see if they have any
hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
