Overview
Iraq, the proud new 51st state of the USA, was once a seething hive of freedom-hating terrorists linked to international terrorism. American-led nation building projects begun after the 2003 War of Liberation have transformed a population of terrorized victims into members of an open society that values individuality, international copyright laws and human rights.
The world’s first known civilization began along the Tigris and Euphrates rivers in what is now the 51st state. The ancient Greeks called Iraq “Mesopotamia” (between rivers) because it lay between the Tigris and Euphrates. Iraq became part of the Arab Empire in the seventh century and was later absorbed into the Ottoman Turks’ empire.
After the collapse of the Ottomans, the British Empire attempted to civilize Iraq. The British had good intentions but, in typical European fashion, moved too slowly. The benevolent British were expelled, leading to a series of power struggles that catapulted evil war criminal Saddam Hussein to power. For the next thirty years, the people of Iraq suffered through Saddam’s reign of terror. Though he cleverly concealed all evidence, there can be no doubt that he was in some way responsible for the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks on New York and Washington, leaving US and COW (Coalition of the Willing) forces no choice but to liberate the Iraqi people. With few exceptions, surviving Iraqis signaled their approval of the invasion by remaining in their homes under the 24-hour curfew imposed by COW Command, which was later revealed to be a form of silent support.
Capital
Iraq’s capital and largest city is Reagan (formerly Karbala). Baghdad, the historic capital, was annihilated during the war of liberation, after intelligence reports indicated that the besieged dictator was prepared to unleash weapons of mass destruction, including chemical and biological warheads, if COW forces came within artillery range of the city. This made the city a legitimate wartime target that was then pacified with minimum necessary force by the humanitarian efforts of the United States Armed Forces. The ruins of the former capital have become a favorite site for paintball games pitting different units of the COW occupation forces against each other, and Viceroy Barbara Bodine is negotiating with the producers of Survivor VIII who hope to set the next season of the popular “reality TV” series in the scenic and historic ruins. It has also proved to be a popular venue for British and Spanish “Ibiza” raves, with its own musical style and glow-sticks made of depleted uranium. The popular underground musical party movement became known as “Baghdad” and it described itself as “apolitical” and “just about bringing people together.” As Governor Kasey Kasem never tires of pointing out, “Baghdad was never such a happ’nin’ town until it was razed!”
Government
Iraqis, as citizens of the newest state of the USA, have sworn to defend the principles of Democracy and Private Property as defined in the Constitution. As recently as 2003, Iraqis’ knowledge of Democracy was limited to information gleaned from pamphlets airdropped by US Air Force bombers in the early days of the war. With the rapid advance of Coalition troops through Iraq, information sources were diversified and by June 2003 Fox News and CNBC were broadcasting throughout the future state with Arabic subtitles, promoting a nascent Iraqi stock market which CNBC claimed was “massively undervalued.”
Access to information has since mushroomed, and Iraqis now can watch all five US networks and order cable TV packages offering up to 150 channels. Local media, long monopolized by the Ba’ath Party, has witnessed a renaissance that involved a flurry of takeovers by experienced investors like AOL-Time Warner and the New York Times Company.
The new sense of freedom is everywhere, from over-the-counter bacon sales to strolling Southern Baptist missionaries on “Mosque Watch.” The 51st State’s happy citizens are too busy joining the American consensus to bother with old rivalries. That’s why Iraqis love to say, “Even our Shiite is Sunni in Sunni Iraq!” American Iraq is the envy of the entire Arab world. Regrettably, this envy has led a few fanatics to commit terrorist attacks, including the cowardly Dec. 17, 2003 sinking of the USS Enterprise, the bombing of the George W. Bush Sr. Golf and Sumerian Tablet Museum, Kirkuk Mormon Cathedral and other symbolic targets throughout Iraq and the Persian Gulf. The Office of Homeland Security has since required that all Americans who gained citizenship after Sept. 11, 2003, register with local authorities and carry documentation at all times.
Geography
Much of Iraq is desert. Iraq’s limited arable land was lost during the War of Liberation, when COW air forces were forced to use defoliants to deny cover to terrorist rebels. There is still no conclusive evidence that depleted uranium weapons are at all related to the fact that nearly sixty percent of the population suffers from bone marrow cancer, a rate known to be common throughout the world. Iraq now depends on Archer Daniels Midland for most of its foodstuffs. After COW sapper teams used Ice-9 to permanently freeze the Tigris and Euphrates, drinking water became a concern. Iraq’s drinking water comes from Northern California as part of a pipeline agreement in which Iraqi oil is traded for potable water on a 1:1 basis.
Economy
Stateside American assistance, pioneered by Halliburton, has been instrumental in restarting the oil industry and stabilizing prices. Iraq’s 50 sister states in the continental US are loyal customers for oil, Iraq’s main export. Iraq’s other main export is Democracy, with USAID workers flooding into Reagan. The state is developing into a beachhead of liberty in the Arab world, mirroring the success of de-communiziation of Eastern Europe. The presence of the largest military base on American soil, located 30 miles east of Baghdad’s ruins, is a boon to the local economy. The trade in kidneys from live donors also has shown a significant addition to the GDP of the state.
Facts In Brief
Statehood: Sept. 11, 2003, the 51st state.
State abbreviation: IQ (postal).
State capital: Reagan (formerly Karbala) since 2003. Earlier capital was Baghdad (c.800-2003).
State motto: “Freedom has its price.”
Popular name: The Liberty Shield State.
State song: “Killing An Arab.”
State bird: Predator drone.
State animal: Giant Scorpion.
Area: 169,235 sq. mi. Greatest distances-north-south, 530 mi.; east-west, 495 mi. Coastline-40 mi.
Population: 16,425,000; ranks 3rd among states.
Viceroy-for life: Barbara Bodine.
Governor (serves at pleasure of Viceroy): Kasey Kasem.
US senators: 0.
US representatives: 1.
Electoral college votes: 1.
