Dear Abby:
I am a crack dealer in the Bronx who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Pittsburgh and one of my sisters, who lives in Austin, is married to a transvestite with a fetish for cockroaches.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for distributing PCP-laced marijuana and meth and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Las Vegas.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for the rape/beaheading of a preschooler. The other brother is currently being held in Memphis on charges of gouging the eyes out of a stable of thorougbreds.
I have recently become engaged to marry a Nigerian prostitute who is still a part time "working girl" in a San Diego. Her time there is limited as we plan to open our own brothel with her in charge of rolling sailors. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining the team if they can kinda get off their heroin habits a little.
My main problem is this. I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is in the French government?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
