December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in
a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred
times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
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December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle
doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
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December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve
such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must
insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
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December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too
romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
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December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for
every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
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December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are
huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I
can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
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December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds??
Seven swans a swimming. What kind of #### joke is this? There's bird
poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep
at
night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking
birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
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December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the #### am I going to do with 8 maids
a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking,
but they had to bring their #### cows. There is manure all over the
lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
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December 22, 1972
Hey ****head:
What are you.....some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing.
And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids
since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and
they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to
do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours !
Agnes
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December 23, 1972
You rotten jerk::
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows
can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of
####.
The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the
building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
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December 24, 1972
Listen ****head:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies? Some
of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the
maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three
of
the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope
you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
You're sworn enemy,
Agnes
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December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes
McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come
to
our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy
Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on
sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your
arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole
