Fridays Funnies

[boxboy28]

Isn't that Ironic?
 
A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking
for money
and guns, but he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy
is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in prison, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets
angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay and found you very sexy and asked where we kept the Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. "Be strong, honey. I love you too..."

[boxboy28]

Friends
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they had died.
 
 First woman --- "I froze to death."
 Second woman -- "You froze to death - how horrible!"
 First woman -- "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"
 Second woman -- "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."
 
 First woman -- "So what happened?"
 Second woman -- "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and then down to the basement. I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until  I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died."
  First woman -- "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive!!"

oldie but a goodie

[Saurdaukar]