bar jokes

[tapakeg]

I'm a bartender and i've heard them all.  But just in case, go ahead and post your favorite bar joke here. It does not need to start out "a man walks into a bar"  AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, NOT 12 INCH PIANIST JOKES!!!!!!


A baby seal walkes into a bar, the bartender says, "what can i get for you?" baby seal says,  "anything but a canadian club"


the other day at 3 am my doorbell rings i answer the door to a otis type drunk at my door.   " I need a push" he says  I pretty much told him to pack sand and off to bed i went.  When i get to bed, my wife askes who was at the door.  "some drunk needing a push"  i told her.   "AND...???" she said.  "remember the other day when you left your lights on and someone gave you a jumpstart in the rain......?" knowing where this was going i went back to the door. It was dark out so I yelled out  "you still out there?"   "yeah" came the reply.  "you still need a push?" I yelled
"yeah" came the answer again.   "where are you?" i yelled.  "I'm on your kids swing set!!!!"

yeah, that one hurt


While at the mortuary for my fathers funeral, my mother made a special request to the funeral director.
"harold always wanted to be buried in a nice blue suit, it was in his will and he always talked about it, please make it happen"  The mortition was a little lazy and said.
"Maam, it's traditional to be buried in a black suit, he is in a VERY nice black suit.........."
"no no" said my mother  "he always talked about it, it was in his will, it will happen.  Here is a blank check, you just make it happen."
on the day of the funeral we nervously walked in. And there was my father in the NICEST blue suit.
"I just want to thank you for this" said my mother. "You have helped bring peace and closure to this ordeal............but, i do have to balance my checkbook, how much was the suit?"
"no cost at all" said the mortition.  "Just the other day as you all left, another decesed man came in, and he was wearing a nice blue suit.  I got to looking at the two of them side by side, they were the same height, weight, the same basic size so all i had to do was......switch their heads.  


Ok, i'll stop here.  I'll post some more after a bit


Tapakeg

[Leslie]

Yeah, you gotta watch out for Otis on the doorstep at 3 AM.

LOL..I wouldn't answer the door for anything at that hour if I was by myself.  Might have to if friends were over.  Otherwise, I'd pretend I was not there, or asleep.  






Les:cool:

[gunahurl]

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the
bewildered Seaman. "I  suppose after you get
discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for
me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out
of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

[Snork]

A penguin, a midget, a monkey, a man with a parrot on his shoulder and a woman with a pig under her arm walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

[gunahurl]

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the  control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an  aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little
hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

[gunahurl]

Three long time friends  were at another friend's wake and asked
"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Dave said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Rick commented: "I would like them to say I set a wonderful example as a servant of God and made a difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving"

[capt. apathy]

so this guy stops off at the bar to sneak a quick drink before going home to the wife.  before he knows it he's completely lost track of time and they are calling for last call.

he's completely hammered and as he stands to leave he falls flat on his face and can't get up.

figuring some fresh air might help he crawls out the door and sits up against the side of the bar.  after a few minutes he pulls himself up and takes a step, falling to the sidewalk.

not wanting to get caught out all night again and living just around the corner he decides to crawl home.  he makes it up on the porch, pulls himself up at the door, opens it to step in and again falls on his face.

at this point he just drags himself upstairs and goes to bed.

he wakes up the next morning to the phone ringing shortly followed by the wife *****ing.  "you where out all night, and got completely drunk again. haven't you?"

"no, no, I was just working late.  who was on the phone?"

"that was the bar, you forgot your wheelchair again"

[SaburoS]

LOL!!!

[Ripper29]

A penguin had to take his car for engine repair.

The mechanic told the penguin to leave his car with him for about two hours, to find out whats wrong.

The penguin goes across the street to a grocery store, climbs into a freezer and ate vanilla ice cream.

When the two hours was up the penguin went back to the garage to find out what happened to his car.

When the penguin entered the garage, the mechanic looked at him and said, "Looks like you blew a seal."  

The penguin replied, "NO way, thats vanilla ice-cream!"

[Furball]

Why can't you trust women?
How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die!





A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."




Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8 ... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

[Holden McGroin]

Why don't Episcopalians make good chess players?



They can't tell the difference between a Bishop and a Queen.

[Hawklore]

Originally posted by Furball




A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."




Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8 ... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

Nice ones..

[capt. apathy]

what do you get when you have a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?











some one who lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog