Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: shotgunneeley on February 14, 2023, 10:18:47 AM
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I’m about to be 33 and my wife is about to be 34. I grew up in the same small-town Arkansas all my life while she bounced around on the east coast (army brat). We met each other in 2018 as a long-distance relationship, she moved to my local town in 2019 as I was locked into my family-business and she did not have much holding her back on the east coast, we married in 2020 and welcomed our daughter in 2021.
While dating she was very fun to be around. We had similar interests, similar goals and aspirations, we were both Christian (I grew up baptist and she was more non-denominational / charismatic). Our biggest difference is our personality/temperament - she is an ENFJ / melancholy type while I am more of a ISTJ / phlegmatic type. She has always been highly opinionated which i liked thinking it was self-confidence and her taking initiative, but it turns out she desperately craves affirmation and value from others. If someone or a group disagrees with her on what to do, you might as well have kicked her and told her she was worthless. She has a polarizing personality where some people love/like her while others are put off. By her own admission she is overly analytical and emotionally sensitive. Ever since COVID hit the scene and the birth of our little girl, she has been highly anxious about health and safety (overly concerned about her own mortality as her mother died young from cancer); she has deep depression from the state of the world and that she does not fit into the culture. She told me that she loves me but that I am not good for her and has declared that she is not good for me to despite protest and exasperation. When things don’t go her way or plan she breaks down in a crying fury while I try to console her telling her it will be OK and we will adjust, which infuriates her more because she sees that as me sweeping things under the rug or being a pushover. Meanwhile, if things don’t go according to my plan I had set up, she rages at me for not listening to her as she suddenly has 20/20 wisdom and discernment. She is so full of anger, bitterness and jealousy. My grandpa started the business, my dad runs it now and I handle a lot of tech work. My wife angrily tells me I should ask for more money so she can stay at home with our daughter (but she is also scoffs at that “traditional” thought of her not having a career where she feels like she is “making her mark on the world”) because she sees them as living in a big house when my mom could stay at home to raise my sister and I. My parents stayed with us for a week at our family cabin (we had just sold our house to be looking into a different area for me to commute to work) when brought the baby home from the hospital - my dad asked me to weed the pond on day 2 and I actually looked forward to some exercise, but my wife said it broke her that even though I was 30 yards away cleaning outside for an hour she has continued to rant at me for not prioritizing her instead and supporting her and the baby. She has gained weight down here and there are 80yr olds who run circles around her - she gets in the dumps and has 0 energy. I have given given up or limited my hobbies and interests that I did before we were married and had the baby so I could focus more on them when I was not working, but she is angry that as I am part of this family business that I cannot move to a “big city full of life and opportunities” and that having me commute from other small towns within the general area is not good enough for her. She does not have a relationship with her dad because she finally had enough of him being toxic and demeaning, which sounds very similar to how she is with me.
She carries with her a lot of spiritual hurt, emotional trauma and personal disappointment that has been building all her life and I feel I am the one stuck with the check now that she has hit her cap. During our the year leading up to our wedding we were both dealing with the specter of COVID while also being in a church with a new pastor we did not particularly agree with. Before she moved down she had asked me if I’d be flexible to look at attending a different church from the one I grew up in. I agreed that as a potential husband that I’d be willing to be a part of a different church through which we could be involved and grow our spirit. After a month she was pushing me to do that while we were still dating, but as I was serving as a deacon I felt it was it was not the right time for me to leave as 1) I wanted to do my part in helping to keep the church body stable during uncertain times and 2) it felt it was important for us to start our new marriage and see our first child delivered while not juggling the distraction of looking for a new church body. As she could sing very well and play the guitar, she helped with the worship team and felt that was her calling - but also complained that she did not receive any recognition or positive affirmation (like people were overlooking her efforts). While we enjoyed the people there, she did not get along with the new pastor at all and wanted to immediately leave as they had different mindsets and he was controlling of the music she wanted to sing. The time span between when she came down to when we left after our child was born was 2 years, but she has acted like it has completely broken her heart/spirit and that I was self-centered to keep us there (I completely underestimated at what I thought would be a brief time of a year or two that has completely unwound her and crippled her spirit even though we have left - I feel she is over the top and she feels I have no empathy).
I just don’t know what to do and what is best for our daughter. She is wearing me down with all of her yelling/screaming, anger, bitterness, depression/worry that will last for hours and even days without break. Based on what she has told me of her hating our family dynamic, hating the culture, not having the friends she had on the east coast, hating I work for a family business where she feels like I devote my time to and not her (always been real controlling of my time, energy and efforts) - I feel like this was all in the open before we got married and now this is not working for her. She laments that this is not the marriage and life she dreamed of, that she had done all the right things growing up and that she was owed happiness without personal drama or mental battles. My preferred love language to her would be performing’s acts of service to help out wherever needed, even with taking care of the baby to give her a chance to do something she enjoys for herself. She would prefer that we do everything together and have quality time, which usually devolves into me acting as her psychiatrist. She is jealous of me performing an act of service for anyone else as that takes time and focus away from her. Has anyone here dealt with issues like this?
I am reading “Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People” by Elizabeth B. Brown right now.
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That sounds in many parts like how it was with my first wife. When we sold our apartment after having been together for a decade she told me that we're going to move to separate addresses from there. But we stayed friends until she moved to another town and cut all contacts even to her family. Guess that tells what was going on although I didn't see the symptoms. So finally I changed all the changes and became my current self, having been happily married for almost 30 years with my new love. There's things you can't fix no matter what. Often times a split family is better for the children than an unhappy family if the rules can be agreed and followed. There's parents that poison the mindset of the child against the other parent and unfortunately it still often is the mother whose opinion has more weight even towards the authorities and the father is officially doomed to be the evil one. But there's also ex-pairs who foster their children without arguing, giving their offspring two happy homes instead of one unhappy.
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power and guilt.
when my wife was around, we had to do the same things together. you didn't hear the fights over ah. finally I just said past six I get 6 hours to do whatever I want. I stuck to my guns would even reply unless there was some thing important she needed help.
eventually she got used to it and our relationship grew stronger.
semp
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Seek professional help.
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Seek professional help.
this too. both of you.
semp
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(https://media.istockphoto.com/id/1201265284/vector/happy-valentines-day-handwritten-calligraphic-lettering-with-red-hearts.jpg?s=612x612&w=0&k=20&c=wM-1TL1Y99PLV-fpdd8L3hbG6i3rdoe0KmAFTQHbeTA=)
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You should put her on health leave at work for a couple of months to let her cool down and raise the baby at home. Give her time to smell the flowers, get some rest, and feel some breeze.
It seems her spiritual side is not pleased. Seems like she needs a break to recoup. Perhaps a vacation to see her friend for a few days while you take care of the baby. Or doing something together for a weekend that is joyful and non stressful. Like a trip to cool town not too far away, fruit picking, Zoos, amusement parks, beach, ect. My wife and love to go drive around and get lost, check out local towns for the afternoon. Do something to avoid the "routine". Spiritual faith is not about going to church. It seems you are religious but there is an angry spirit bubbling up with your marriage. Not liking the pastor and all that stuff is a stressor, moreso than the 'faith' she feels being there. You have to realize that 'faith' is about believing in yourself with Gods guidance, moreso than it is for others to preach to you to make you or her happy. She is not in good spirits no matter how much anyone preaches to her.
You should try to keep her away from news/social media and focus on Watching sports or non traumatic shows/movies.
Look, I don't know you or your family. But it seems like you guys need to relax, take a few real big deep breathes(seriously, just sit together and do it), get away from the BS causing stress, get away from news and social media, change the routine, get out of the house, go on hikes, and find the joyful spirit again.
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Seek professional help.
This
Eagler
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Talking to a counselor together is perhaps a good thing to try.
Sometimes having a baby and then a youngster can bring new pressures that trigger new difficulties. The past years of covid caused new difficulties for many folks as well.
There are suggestions a person won't accept if they come from a spouse, but might if they come from a counselor.
I hope that things smooth out for you, my friend. My best wishes are with you and your family.
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I’m about to be 33 and my wife is about to be 34. I grew up in the same small-town Arkansas all my life while she bounced around on the east coast (army brat). We met each other in 2018 as a long-distance relationship, she moved to my local town in 2019 as I was locked into my family-business and she did not have much holding her back on the east coast, we married in 2020 and welcomed our daughter in 2021.
While dating she was very fun to be around. We had similar interests, similar goals and aspirations, we were both Christian (I grew up baptist and she was more non-denominational / charismatic). Our biggest difference is our personality/temperament - she is an ENFJ / melancholy type while I am more of a ISTJ / phlegmatic type. She has always been highly opinionated which i liked thinking it was self-confidence and her taking initiative, but it turns out she desperately craves affirmation and value from others. If someone or a group disagrees with her on what to do, you might as well have kicked her and told her she was worthless. She has a polarizing personality where some people love/like her while others are put off. By her own admission she is overly analytical and emotionally sensitive. Ever since COVID hit the scene and the birth of our little girl, she has been highly anxious about health and safety (overly concerned about her own mortality as her mother died young from cancer); she has deep depression from the state of the world and that she does not fit into the culture. She told me that she loves me but that I am not good for her and has declared that she is not good for me to despite protest and exasperation. When things don’t go her way or plan she breaks down in a crying fury while I try to console her telling her it will be OK and we will adjust, which infuriates her more because she sees that as me sweeping things under the rug or being a pushover. Meanwhile, if things don’t go according to my plan I had set up, she rages at me for not listening to her as she suddenly has 20/20 wisdom and discernment. She is so full of anger, bitterness and jealousy. My grandpa started the business, my dad runs it now and I handle a lot of tech work. My wife angrily tells me I should ask for more money so she can stay at home with our daughter (but she is also scoffs at that “traditional” thought of her not having a career where she feels like she is “making her mark on the world”) because she sees them as living in a big house when my mom could stay at home to raise my sister and I. My parents stayed with us for a week at our family cabin (we had just sold our house to be looking into a different area for me to commute to work) when brought the baby home from the hospital - my dad asked me to weed the pond on day 2 and I actually looked forward to some exercise, but my wife said it broke her that even though I was 30 yards away cleaning outside for an hour she has continued to rant at me for not prioritizing her instead and supporting her and the baby. She has gained weight down here and there are 80yr olds who run circles around her - she gets in the dumps and has 0 energy. I have given given up or limited my hobbies and interests that I did before we were married and had the baby so I could focus more on them when I was not working, but she is angry that as I am part of this family business that I cannot move to a “big city full of life and opportunities” and that having me commute from other small towns within the general area is not good enough for her. She does not have a relationship with her dad because she finally had enough of him being toxic and demeaning, which sounds very similar to how she is with me.
She carries with her a lot of spiritual hurt, emotional trauma and personal disappointment that has been building all her life and I feel I am the one stuck with the check now that she has hit her cap. During our the year leading up to our wedding we were both dealing with the specter of COVID while also being in a church with a new pastor we did not particularly agree with. Before she moved down she had asked me if I’d be flexible to look at attending a different church from the one I grew up in. I agreed that as a potential husband that I’d be willing to be a part of a different church through which we could be involved and grow our spirit. After a month she was pushing me to do that while we were still dating, but as I was serving as a deacon I felt it was it was not the right time for me to leave as 1) I wanted to do my part in helping to keep the church body stable during uncertain times and 2) it felt it was important for us to start our new marriage and see our first child delivered while not juggling the distraction of looking for a new church body. As she could sing very well and play the guitar, she helped with the worship team and felt that was her calling - but also complained that she did not receive any recognition or positive affirmation (like people were overlooking her efforts). While we enjoyed the people there, she did not get along with the new pastor at all and wanted to immediately leave as they had different mindsets and he was controlling of the music she wanted to sing. The time span between when she came down to when we left after our child was born was 2 years, but she has acted like it has completely broken her heart/spirit and that I was self-centered to keep us there (I completely underestimated at what I thought would be a brief time of a year or two that has completely unwound her and crippled her spirit even though we have left - I feel she is over the top and she feels I have no empathy).
I just don’t know what to do and what is best for our daughter. She is wearing me down with all of her yelling/screaming, anger, bitterness, depression/worry that will last for hours and even days without break. Based on what she has told me of her hating our family dynamic, hating the culture, not having the friends she had on the east coast, hating I work for a family business where she feels like I devote my time to and not her (always been real controlling of my time, energy and efforts) - I feel like this was all in the open before we got married and now this is not working for her. She laments that this is not the marriage and life she dreamed of, that she had done all the right things growing up and that she was owed happiness without personal drama or mental battles. My preferred love language to her would be performing’s acts of service to help out wherever needed, even with taking care of the baby to give her a chance to do something she enjoys for herself. She would prefer that we do everything together and have quality time, which usually devolves into me acting as her psychiatrist. She is jealous of me performing an act of service for anyone else as that takes time and focus away from her. Has anyone here dealt with issues like this?
I am reading “Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People” by Elizabeth B. Brown right now.
She is toxic. Leave.
I filed for divorce on January 17th after 30 years of marriage to a narcissistic sociopath. I thought I could out-love her child-hood trauma. I was wrong.
Leave my friend. You'll be glad you did.
I suspect your wife might be a narcissist, looke up Dr Les Carter and Dr Ramani on YouTube. Watch a few of their videos and see if things don't start to become clearer for you.
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My heart goes out to you my brother, you path appears to be very difficult. While Love hides a multitude of sins, in this world of ours, there are limits. Our youngest son is married to a women that sounds just like your situation, and we have not seen them in over 10 years, even living in the same town. Others here have shared their opinion, but the decision is yours. I would encourage you to pray fervently for the Lords direction, and ask others to pray for you both. I have added you to my prayer list. God knows what you need.
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Rather than relying on comments on the board here, please do as advised above and seek professional help. Do not try to do your own psycho analysis of either yourself or your wife. Get some counseling and work with it to salvage the situation.
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Yeah thanks for all the responses. I have been looking through other marriage forums as well and i’m getting the same consensus - seek professional counseling. We have reached out to one - looks like he is experienced in a lot of the topics that are hitting us.
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awesome :aok
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Yeah thanks for all the responses. I have been looking through other marriage forums as well and i’m getting the same consensus - seek professional counseling. We have reached out to one - looks like he is experienced in a lot of the topics that are hitting us.
I hope it works, as from experience I know those who are most in a need of help are furiously refusing it, as problem is always in other persons. That's why me and the mother of my son are nowadays living 60km apart.
Wish you luck, in our case no help was accepted from her side. Cannot argue or even discuss about possible problems with someone who's always right in every aspect.
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Yeah thanks for all the responses. I have been looking through other marriage forums as well and i’m getting the same consensus - seek professional counseling. We have reached out to one - looks like he is experienced in a lot of the topics that are hitting us.
Both parties have to want to make it work and be willing to do what it takes to make that happen. All to often one person doesn't want to fix things. If infidelity has been involved I highly recommend a book called "Broken Trust". https://www.brokentrust.com/
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I hope it works, as from experience I know those who are most in a need of help are furiously refusing it, as problem is always in other persons. That's why me and the mother of my son are nowadays living 60km apart.
Wish you luck, in our case no help was accepted from her side. Cannot argue or even discuss about possible problems with someone who's always right in every aspect.
On January 17th I filed for a divorce after 30 years of marriage. My wife was the victim of sibling abuse from the time she started walking until her abuser left for the Navy. Even though her therapist has told her that what he did was abuse (physical, emotional, psychological and sexual) she refuses to deal with what happened to her. She is a pathological liar, master manipulator and serial cheater that gaslights and scapegoats constantly. You can't discuss things with her because of her constant interruptions which is how she controls what gets discussed and what doesn't.
I could tell you stories that would break your brain but I'd rather not make your head explode....this time.... ;)
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Rather than relying on comments on the board here, please do as advised above and seek professional help. Do not try to do your own psycho analysis of either yourself or your wife. Get some counseling and work with it to salvage the situation.
Couseling only goes so far, especially if one person either doesn't want to fix things or is unwilling to admit to any faults.
Folks can look up behavior patterns to learn why things are the way they are. Over the last 4 years of research I've become convinced that my almost ex-wife is very likely a narcissistic sociopath. The two psychologists I mentioned previously might as well have a picture of my wife behind them as they talk about narcissism.
Knowledge is power and in my case, knowledge has also been a form of healing. Knowing why she was doing the things she did made it easier to deal with her crap. I finally understood things that blew my mind previously and that understanding stopped my brain from exploding over and over.
Will this information help the OP? I don't know for sure if it will or not but it for sure won't if he doesn't have it so I'd rather see him get the information so he can decide for himself.
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(https://media.istockphoto.com/id/1201265284/vector/happy-valentines-day-handwritten-calligraphic-lettering-with-red-hearts.jpg?s=612x612&w=0&k=20&c=wM-1TL1Y99PLV-fpdd8L3hbG6i3rdoe0KmAFTQHbeTA=)
She only now opened up my Valentine’s gift to her - she kept putting it off till she was in a “better mood”.
No adultery; I have no reason to suspect her otherwise. I feel like I might as well have been unfaithful - according to her I have completely broken her trust in me because she feels that I do not prioritize her. It’s about like a kid asking for a new graphing calculator, but instead of giving it before school starts the parent waits till Christmas to give it - all fine and dandy that the kid has what was asked for, but the kid has already failed math class. I felt like it was not a good time for me to leave my home church just yet and that we could muster through for just a bit till it was a better time - even though now we have left she continues to come unglued at me that I was being selfish or putting the needs of others before her.
The reason I have posted online to forums is that I wanted third party unbiased opinions of what is going on. I have avoided talking to my parents or anyone who knows us both so as to not ruin their image of her or become stand-offish.
Met up at home last night after work; before I can get a “howdy-do” off she starts going off the rails again. She was triggered by a comment on FB from my mom liking my cousin’s new house but she feels my parents laugh at our house for having problems that need fixing. She often brings up the time when My mom went with her to a pediatric appointment where our daughter had to receive a medical shot. My wife’s position is that she asked my mom ostensibly so she could feel involved and bond more - but now feels she gave the mistaken impression that my wife cannot handle it on her own (even though when I go she declares it is because she needs my support). Well they get back to the office and my mom made the joke that “[our daughter] was fine, it was [my wife] who I thought I was going to need to hold down and sooth”. This has been a down point for my as she sees my mom as a bully now making a joke at her expense and gets frustrated that I “don’t fight for her”. Knowing her disposition I agree the comment was not needed, but at the same time I don’t see why that is the breaking point she hinges on with her perception of my family being wrecked and against her. Not to mention she brought up again how because I did not dedicate a full 2 weeks paternity time to her as she expected (I partially tagged out with my mom to stay with her because the family business needed me) that she cannot trust me to value her needs.
I have always thought of her as a “reverse princess and the pea”: if she has an issue she seeks to address it - she may burn down the whole dang bed and destroy half the kingdom, but she is going to get that friggin pea! I have seen her take on problems that would hardly phase me or anyone else with all the ferocity of marines storming Iwo Jima.
The trouble is I have always treated her as a normal person who could handle her own personal problems to a certain degree - but she herself would admit she cannot take on any more pain, hurt or emotional trauma as she has already reached her limit over her life. She says she is laughed at, unheard, disrespected and unvalued down here compared to where she came from on the east coast where she had life friends and good culture (she was good to leave that before our daughter, now that to her is critical and nothing down here can bring that peace back).
Finally get our daughter down at a decent hour and I have to stay up till midnight listening to her vent and gripe. When I try to disengage and say it is time to go to bed that just makes her madder that I am trying to deflect and ignore her. :bhead :bhead :bhead
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^ Deja vu... Only taking distance can save your mental health, or what is left of it. Hers is gone and now she's doing her best to ruin yours. People like that want to ensure everyone else around has a bad day as well, when they don't feel good. And it's normal for them not to feel good.
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^ Deja vu... Only taking distance can save your mental health, or what is left of it. Hers is gone and now she's doing her best to ruin yours. People like that want to ensure everyone else around has a bad day as well, when they don't feel good. And it's normal for them not to feel good.
Textbook narcissism.
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Crazy is having a field day these days...
Medicine for your medicine...pills to increase other pills affects
Doctors getting kickbacks for prescribing addictive drugs
Ppl doing totally ignorant stuff just for views/likes/friends
How much of all of this is self generated?
Just going to get worse imo as they are pampered and acknowledged as normal
Eagler
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She only now opened up my Valentine’s gift to her - she kept putting it off till she was in a “better mood”.
No adultery; I have no reason to suspect her otherwise. I feel like I might as well have been unfaithful - according to her I have completely broken her trust in me because she feels that I do not prioritize her. It’s about like a kid asking for a new graphing calculator, but instead of giving it before school starts the parent waits till Christmas to give it - all fine and dandy that the kid has what was asked for, but the kid has already failed math class. I felt like it was not a good time for me to leave my home church just yet and that we could muster through for just a bit till it was a better time - even though now we have left she continues to come unglued at me that I was being selfish or putting the needs of others before her.
The reason I have posted online to forums is that I wanted third party unbiased opinions of what is going on. I have avoided talking to my parents or anyone who knows us both so as to not ruin their image of her or become stand-offish.
Met up at home last night after work; before I can get a “howdy-do” off she starts going off the rails again. She was triggered by a comment on FB from my mom liking my cousin’s new house but she feels my parents laugh at our house for having problems that need fixing. She often brings up the time when My mom went with her to a pediatric appointment where our daughter had to receive a medical shot. My wife’s position is that she asked my mom ostensibly so she could feel involved and bond more - but now feels she gave the mistaken impression that my wife cannot handle it on her own (even though when I go she declares it is because she needs my support). Well they get back to the office and my mom made the joke that “[our daughter] was fine, it was [my wife] who I thought I was going to need to hold down and sooth”. This has been a down point for my as she sees my mom as a bully now making a joke at her expense and gets frustrated that I “don’t fight for her”. Knowing her disposition I agree the comment was not needed, but at the same time I don’t see why that is the breaking point she hinges on with her perception of my family being wrecked and against her. Not to mention she brought up again how because I did not dedicate a full 2 weeks paternity time to her as she expected (I partially tagged out with my mom to stay with her because the family business needed me) that she cannot trust me to value her needs.
I have always thought of her as a “reverse princess and the pea”: if she has an issue she seeks to address it - she may burn down the whole dang bed and destroy half the kingdom, but she is going to get that friggin pea! I have seen her take on problems that would hardly phase me or anyone else with all the ferocity of marines storming Iwo Jima.
The trouble is I have always treated her as a normal person who could handle her own personal problems to a certain degree - but she herself would admit she cannot take on any more pain, hurt or emotional trauma as she has already reached her limit over her life. She says she is laughed at, unheard, disrespected and unvalued down here compared to where she came from on the east coast where she had life friends and good culture (she was good to leave that before our daughter, now that to her is critical and nothing down here can bring that peace back).
Finally get our daughter down at a decent hour and I have to stay up till midnight listening to her vent and gripe. When I try to disengage and say it is time to go to bed that just makes her madder that I am trying to deflect and ignore her. :bhead :bhead :bhead
Have you put her on temporary paternity leave at work yet?
It seems like she feels she is losing control of her reality and grip. As I said before. She may need some distance or a vacation for some time to clear her head and smell the roses. It seems she is really tense, and now feels like your family is against her, which is never good.
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^ Deja vu... Only taking distance can save your mental health, or what is left of it. Hers is gone and now she's doing her best to ruin yours. People like that want to ensure everyone else around has a bad day as well, when they don't feel good. And it's normal for them not to feel good.
that's not what he asked. and you ever consider that part is your fault.
semp
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Crazy is having a field day these days...
Medicine for your medicine...pills to increase other pills affects
Doctors getting kickbacks for prescribing addictive drugs
Ppl doing totally ignorant stuff just for views/likes/friends
How much of all of this is self generated?
Just going to get worse imo as they are pampered and acknowledged as normal
Eagler
only crazy people is you.
hope you never have to take medication. I take medication to counter another that may damage my liver.
doctor getting kickbacks. ha. you make more money selling prescriptions. that's good little you know.
feel sorry for you we aren't different that you. oh wait we are, our reality doesn't include conspiracy theories nuts like you.
semp
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This thread is drifting in a direction it doesn't need to go in.
The perps know who they are.
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that's not what he asked. and you ever consider that part is your fault.
semp
Looks like we have The Truth and Ultimate Knowledge here judging the others with his eternal wisdom. I as a normal mortal can only bow before of that kind Divine wisdom. I peg your highness's forgiveness.
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From reading your first post, I think I can see the main issue. She's told you several times.
1. she's not happy with the in the situation that she's in.
2. She's said that you are not right for her and that she's not right for you.
Based on what she has told me of her hating our family dynamic, hating the culture, not having the friends she had on the east coast
3. I mean, she's told you. You're just not listening
Before she moved down she had asked me if I’d be flexible to look at attending a different church from the one I grew up in. I agreed that as a potential husband that I’d be willing to be a part of a different church through which we could be involved and grow our spirit. After a month she was pushing me to do that while we were still dating, but as I was serving as a deacon I felt it was it was not the right time for me to leave
So in her mind, you agreed to be open to that and then decide the church was too important to YOU.
Here's what I think. Everything is about you. Your family, your job, your church, your town, your everything. I wouldn't be happy either.
She feels trapped. She resents this.
You're not going to get anywhere trying to figure anything out because you're not seeing it.
You need to go to counseling - even if only you go. to get a professional opinion.
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Damn-gg- , excellent "devil's advocate"
My thoughts:
If you go to counseling by yourself, you CAN NOT, smudge the truth at all
If both go to counseling, then both have to be completely honest and forthcoming about what bothers each of y'all
2 different ways of being raised in a church or not is simple, don't judge her or whatnot and she do the same in return
We are our own individual selves and we all believe individually
? Postpartum syndrome ?
You should encourage her to have some backbone and speak up regardless of she is in front of your side of the family.... I am saying, y'all are 2 joined as 1 right?
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Just to reiterate
Everything revolves around you and your family. She probably envisioned creating a new life TOGETHER. You and her.
What she got was being stuck in your world. With your family. Your church. Your decisions.
How would you like it if it were the other way around?
And you can't see it?
Of course she's miserable.
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That's how it reads -gg- 💯
I basically did the same with my x-wife we had our moments...but it lasted 15 years and we still talk as if we're still married and she has a 2nd husband now
I took her from the FL which she had never been out of FL and married her took her to NC....same exact thing that-gg- posted
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Also, don't take these replies as some of us might be saying that it's "your fault" or you're to blame...we are not!
You are just trying to hard to understand her symptoms and are not giving much thought if any on what is causing them...
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Just to reiterate
Everything revolves around you and your family. She probably envisioned creating a new life TOGETHER. You and her.
What she got was being stuck in your world. With your family. Your church. Your decisions.
How would you like it if it were the other way around?
And you can't see it?
Of course she's miserable.
Uh, he did say she was completely fine with it prior to them starting said life. It's irrational to now try to burn everything to the ground because you decided to change your mind once the dust settled. A rational person would sit down and determine that it isn't working out and decide where to go from there, not create hell on earth.
I don't think OP is to blame because he laid out all the particulars and made her aware of the situation that was to become and she agreed to it.
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Uh, he did say she was completely fine with it prior to them starting said life. It's irrational to now try to burn everything to the ground because you decided to change your mind once the dust settled.
Old saying:
Men marry, thinking their wives will never change. And they do.
Women marry, thinking their husbands will change. And they don't.
- oldman
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Marriage is give and take while growing together
Married at 19 in 1978, still married to the same lucky woman 45 years later - two sons, grandchildren and a great grandchild
The last place I would ask for advice about it is here
Eagler
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Marriage is give and take while growing together
Married at 19 in 1978, still married to the same lucky woman 45 years later - two sons, grandchildren and a great grandchild
The last place I would ask for advice about it is here
Eagler
Congratulations to you and your wife. Well done.
I'll never make it that long because I married a toejambag. :D
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Marriage is give and take while growing together
Married at 19 in 1978, still married to the same lucky woman 45 years later - two sons, grandchildren and a great grandchild
The last place I would ask for advice about it is here
Eagler
Well said Eagler, I'm still married to my young 19 year old Bride as well, 47 years working on 48. I can not imagine life without her. :rock
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Marriage is give and take while growing together
Married at 19 in 1978, still married to the same lucky woman 45 years later - two sons, grandchildren and a great grandchild
The last place I would ask for advice about it is here
Eagler
My advice.... keep doing what you are doing. :D
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Well said Eagler, I'm still married to my young 19 year old Bride as well, 47 years working on 48. I can not imagine life without her. :rock
This is how it should be, how it was meant to be.
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She only now opened up my Valentine’s gift to her - she kept putting it off till she was in a “better mood”.
No adultery; I have no reason to suspect her otherwise. I feel like I might as well have been unfaithful - according to her I have completely broken her trust in me because she feels that I do not prioritize her. It’s about like a kid asking for a new graphing calculator, but instead of giving it before school starts the parent waits till Christmas to give it - all fine and dandy that the kid has what was asked for, but the kid has already failed math class. I felt like it was not a good time for me to leave my home church just yet and that we could muster through for just a bit till it was a better time - even though now we have left she continues to come unglued at me that I was being selfish or putting the needs of others before her.
The reason I have posted online to forums is that I wanted third party unbiased opinions of what is going on. I have avoided talking to my parents or anyone who knows us both so as to not ruin their image of her or become stand-offish.
Met up at home last night after work; before I can get a “howdy-do” off she starts going off the rails again. She was triggered by a comment on FB from my mom liking my cousin’s new house but she feels my parents laugh at our house for having problems that need fixing. She often brings up the time when My mom went with her to a pediatric appointment where our daughter had to receive a medical shot. My wife’s position is that she asked my mom ostensibly so she could feel involved and bond more - but now feels she gave the mistaken impression that my wife cannot handle it on her own (even though when I go she declares it is because she needs my support). Well they get back to the office and my mom made the joke that “[our daughter] was fine, it was [my wife] who I thought I was going to need to hold down and sooth”. This has been a down point for my as she sees my mom as a bully now making a joke at her expense and gets frustrated that I “don’t fight for her”. Knowing her disposition I agree the comment was not needed, but at the same time I don’t see why that is the breaking point she hinges on with her perception of my family being wrecked and against her. Not to mention she brought up again how because I did not dedicate a full 2 weeks paternity time to her as she expected (I partially tagged out with my mom to stay with her because the family business needed me) that she cannot trust me to value her needs.
I have always thought of her as a “reverse princess and the pea”: if she has an issue she seeks to address it - she may burn down the whole dang bed and destroy half the kingdom, but she is going to get that friggin pea! I have seen her take on problems that would hardly phase me or anyone else with all the ferocity of marines storming Iwo Jima.
The trouble is I have always treated her as a normal person who could handle her own personal problems to a certain degree - but she herself would admit she cannot take on any more pain, hurt or emotional trauma as she has already reached her limit over her life. She says she is laughed at, unheard, disrespected and unvalued down here compared to where she came from on the east coast where she had life friends and good culture (she was good to leave that before our daughter, now that to her is critical and nothing down here can bring that peace back).
Finally get our daughter down at a decent hour and I have to stay up till midnight listening to her vent and gripe. When I try to disengage and say it is time to go to bed that just makes her madder that I am trying to deflect and ignore her. :bhead :bhead :bhead
Sounds a lot like my first marriage. My first wife after giving birth to our son developed "Post Pardon Depression". This disease is the real deal. PPD affects a woman's brain chemistry and even with treatment I never was able to get over the hurt that disease cause me. I Divorce after 15 years of marriage and raised both my boys on my own. I'm remarried now and happy for what it is worth. GG said it best I'm afraid. May be time to rethink the marriage can common ground reach? In my case divorce was a life saver. I'm not anyone to give advice, sorry about your situation. God Bless.