Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Nash on February 03, 2004, 12:39:50 AM
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Hi.
What a long strange trip it’s been. At least it seems like a long time.
When I first posted about my…. ahem… situation… I was still pretty messed up. I actually made it four days clean after that post… but then I woke up one evening on the couch, drug paraphernalia on the table, and I couldn’t remember shooting up or with whom I had done it. Couldn’t remember how the drugs made it into the house. Then I read a post on this BBS saying something along the lines of “I heard Nash told his parents and he’s now in a treatment center”. Gosh did I ever feel like an idiot. Because…. nope. I'm not sure where that came from, but it certainly didn't happen. Shoulda though... I’d make it clean for a few days, then break down, then five days clean, then another couple… It went like that for, I guess, another couple of weeks. Finally I gave up on the idea of doing this alone. I just couldn’t.
I booked myself into a detox clinic and stayed there for 5 days. That was pure hell. The guy in the bed right across from me was actually snorting heroin…. All day, all night. I sat in bed hardly able to even move – just watching this. He ended up cuffing a couple of guys I made friends with there, and they went to the washroom to get high. So now I’m near death and surrounded by 3 of these bastards… all ‘I feel fantastic!’ and jumpin’ around. That was it. I got the guy to cuff me some, but the problem was that I didn’t have a rig – no way to get the stuff in my system except to smoke it. So there I am in the can, hands shaking from excitement/withdrawal as I pour the stuff out onto the foil from inside a cigarette pack. The idea is, light the bottom of the foil which heats up the heroin resting on it and you inhale the smoke. Well, I’m sitting there in a stall all freaked out with anticipation because everything is about to get just a whole lot better for me but as soon as I hold the lighter to the bottom of the foil POOF the whole thing goes up into a ball of fire and I go back to bed just Miserable. Pathetic isn’t it. Hmm… Not sure why I wrote all about that particular episode… In the last couple of months I’ve racked up a fairly good share of odd little anecdotes.
Moving right along then.
My little plan was to clean up in detox and head back out to get on with my life. Uhn-uh. I was told by just about everyone that this was a stupid idea. What really helped with my decision to get further help was attending this panel that had a couple of guys named Garth and Bill who talked about… stuff. These guys, you could tell, were hardcore. Same age as me, kinda like me in alotta ways, and they effed up huge like me also. But these guys, after a couple of months of treatment, had their ***** Together. I mean… completely solidly together in a way that I rarely see in anyone. Hard to explain. Whatever it was they got, I wanted in on it.
So, I ended up going to a drug treatment center and lived/learned there for the next couple of months. Sorta like bootcamp for the soul. It was quite surreal…
The days began at about 6:30 am. Breakfast at 7:00. Then there was this thing called “reflections” at 8:15 which I guess was sort of like a religious service although they didn’t really force anything on anyone, short of telling you that you really should have faith in some kind of higher power whatever that may mean to you. By 9:00 we split up into our “small” groups for a couple of hours of, like, talk therapy. At 11: 00 we converged on the “food line” where we worked as dishwashers, cooks, ladlers, plate scrubbers, garbage men, security etc., feeding approx. 700 homeless people. At noon we ate lunch. Class would begin at 1:00, where they’d teach us about various things such as loss, forgiveness, anger, fear and, of course, addiction. These were pretty interesting. At 2:00 we’d have one on one counseling, then we’d be free until 4:00, which would be dinnertime. At 5:00 we’d work the food line again. At 6:30 we’d have more classes – mostly about relapse prevention. After that we’d usually split up into our various little cliques of friends and head out to a Narcotics Anonymous (or Alcoholics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, Methadone Anonymous, Crystal Meth Anonymous or You Name It They Have A Group For It Anonymous). It was mandatory to hit at least 4 of these meetings a week.
On top of that there was a whole ton of written work we had to do…. Journaling, going through the ‘12 Steps’ questions (pages and pages and pages) along with various other exercises (‘Lifeline’, ‘Family Tree’, The Wall’ etc.).
As to free time, there sure wasn’t much of it. Curfew is at 11:00 pm and you cannot even think about leaving the building unless you’re with a “buddy”. The treatment center also served as a halfway house for convicts coming out on parole, and actually these were the guys who I ended up getting along with the best. Most of my free time involved going to Starbucks then hitting the gym to lift weights with a few of those guys. Between that and eating healthier I’ve worked myself into pretty good physical shape.
Hmm…. I’ve gotta stop typing and get to bed. There’s plenty more, so I’ll finish up where I left off sometime tomorrow. To sum up, I feel great and am ready to put a really long period of being stupid behind me and I look forward to… life.
To be continued…
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Quite a relief - both to hear from you and to hear that you're doing well.
Keep it up, bud.
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Outstanding Nash! I really am glad to hear from you after all this time.
I am pulling for you Nash and I think you are doing as great service to yourself and your loved ones by making the effort you have made.
Best wishes Nash and thank you for updating us here.
p.s. I hope to hear some more music from you :)
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WTFG Nash!! :)
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Nash, WTFG, keep working.
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WTFG man, keep it up!:aok
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WTG Nash!!! ~S~!
Good news indeed!
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WTFG Nash!!
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Originally posted by Nash
...Then I read a post on this BBS saying something along the lines of “I heard Nash told his parents and he’s now in a treatment center”. Gosh did I ever feel like an idiot. Because…. nope. I'm not sure where that came from, but it certainly didn't happen...
Heheh, you typed that info in a short thread that Skuzzy quickly deleted.
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Good to hear from you Nash! Glad that you realized that you cant kick heroin on your own...
When you get out of rehab... Change friends and change town... Get a lot of interests and dont let life get "dull" on you, keep yourself occupied with things, o and get a girlfriend.... (not a druggie girlfriend that is).
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Great to hear from you Nash. Brilliant news. Keep it up mate.
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WTG. Keep the faith.
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Great News Nash!! Hope you continue to do well!! One day soon you'll be back in a C-hog again! 8)
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any log can drift with the current, takes a man to swim against it
gl sir, wish you well
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Welcome back.
MiniD
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Keep it up Nash!
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Nice to see you're a live and kicking and clean, Canuck buddy, but mostly it's nice to see your avatar again! Err, anyway, watch out for Eagler, I think he's fantasizing about your "log". ;)
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good to hear from ya... you are welcome to email me if you like. I have about 16 years now and learned a couple of things along the way.
lazs
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Good to hear Nash. Good luck.
Frodo
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Way to go Nash!! :aok
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Atta boy, keep at it.
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Well done Nash, keep it up, Im sure you will face plenty of future struggles.
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Whew, it's really, really good to hear from you, Nash. I can't tell you how glad I am to hear that you're making progress in beating the addiction.
Keep going, mate!
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WTG ! Good to hear from ya. Don't lose hope bud, it'll all be worth it in the end. Keep at it.
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Hey Nash,
Well done man...keep it up.:aok
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As always, prayers are with you.
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Great to hear from you, Nash - keep up the good work! :aok
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Glad to hear it Nash... Keep it up and good luck man!
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WTG Nash :)
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WTG nash - keep it up !!!
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Nash
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Very happy to hear your progress Nash! WTG!
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WTFG
Clean 14 years. Best thing I ever did was lose all the old "friends". They weren't.
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Great news and WTG!
Just keep up....& please keep us informed if you have the opportunity.
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Glad you are doing well, Nash.
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Glad to hear you are doing well Nash, keep it up.
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Keep the faith NASH the life YOU save maybe your own:aok
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Gawdamned great to hear.
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Keep on fighting the battle...we're all rooting for you.
Charon
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WTG Nash - we're all proud and pulling for you!
S!
Nim
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That was a crappy knock knock joke but, WTG
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Glad to hear you're beating the problem. Stay with it bud.
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Glad to hear things are better, keep at it my friend, make the difference.
:aok
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Dang proud of ya man.
It takes King sized Balz to do what your doing BRAVO
And I SIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Thanks for the kind words. They mean a whole lot to me and I really aint just saying that.
OK, yeah… where was I?
Basically I’m feeling better about things, myself, and my future than I probably ever have. What’s working for me isn’t really anything much to do with the 12 Steps (although they really are a brilliant piece of work) or the meetings. These were good, but they just didn’t quite do it (or weren’t enough) for me.
Just to backtrack briefly; I’ve been out of college for about 8 years and have had a pretty steady career as a graphic designer, interspersed with moves from Calgary to NYC and from NYC to Vancouver. In all that time I’ve really struggled with…. uh lessee… things like peace of mind, self esteem, boredom, meaning of life type stuff, and just generally trying to eke some kind of happiness out of the drudgery and routine of day to day living.
And I started drinkin’. Kind of a lot. OK really a lot. Despite the fact that I could manage my life somewhat fine despite this, it ended up making me feel like *****, So I’d drink some more. Which caused me to feel like *****. So I’d drink some more. Yada.
Eventually I happened upon the really bad stuff and it was a match made in heaven… which finally took me out in just shy of a year. I really do count my blessings that it ended up playing out this way, for I could have gone on a really long time with life as it was… and it was a joke, really. This is probably going to sound goofy…
No. For sure it is… but… Purely in the Name of Science I’ll try as best as I can to describe what this experience has done for me and how it’s working.
What’s turned my head around and changed my life is a combination of cognitive therapy, Buddhism, Taoism, and the essence of the 12 steps. I had no moral compass, no sense of spirituality, no discipline, no regard for myself, no alotta stuff.
I don’t yet know what God means to me nor what shape it takes nor what powers it has, but I’m starting to try and define these things. I am completely shocked (as a lifetime agnostic?) at how profoundly this has changed my outlook on just about everything. There was a huge void in my life and unbeknownst to me this… erhm… spiritual awakening has filled it. Cultivating it and fine-tuning it as I go through life is an exciting prospect for me.
Working in the foodline also really helped. It just feels really damn great to help the other sorry sons ‘o ******es. Whodda thunk it. I guess it just takes me out of myself somehow. Volunteering on a regular basis is something I’m going to be doing for the foreseeable future.
Buddhism is really helping in a lot of ways. It makes me question how I define myself and how much of a problem this can be. To rid oneself of one’s ego and self-centeredness… is liberating. AA talks about ‘one day at a time’. Buddhism is about experiencing each individual moment at a time. Actually there’s tons of good stuff there. When I get really jacked-in to this kind of thinking it creates a sort of buzz that drugs would only wreck.
What else? Virtue. Doing the right thing, as best as I can, and as often as I possibly can. This is also very liberating. It’s more than ‘don’t lie steal or cheat’. It’s about not cutting any corners whatsoever. I’ve made amends for my past failings. To myself and to others. From here on out I am honest in all my affairs and I pick up trash that aint even mine. I’ve got no guilt, no shame, no fear - not even slightly - and I don’t have to apologize to nobody. That, my friends, is freedom. If you wrong me, you’re forgiven. I don’t need that baggage either.
Lack of booze/drugs. Goes without saying that heroin and the rest of the drugs are out. I’ll have the odd drink though. Thing is, I don’t really want to, or see the use anymore. I used to think that to have those really crazy shrecked up good times you had to be right smashed somehow. I’ve got a few pretty insane sober moments under my belt now to know better than that. Twice now I’ve had a glass of wine with dinner, and I could hardly see the point. Was like (in my head) “What is this supposed to be doing for me and why would I need it? So I can feel comfortable talking to you?” There’s something wrong with that somehow. Like I said, I might have a drink from time to time. I don’t know. I didn’t end up finishing those glasses of wine however.
Physical health. I’ve now quit smoking, I jog almost every day and I go to the gym at least four times a week. Works wonders for the self-esteem and confidence but more importantly I just feel better all around by doing it.
Balance. Not much to say here. Work, play, mental health, physical health… Needs to be balanced.
Discipline. If the cap is left off the toothpaste, and if the dishes start to stack up, and if I start letting the answering machine take my calls… something needs fixing somewhere. Complacency is like being covered in molasses. The more you let things slide, the harder it becomes to break out of, the less you feel capable of handling the problems, and the bigger the problems become.
Cognitive therapy. Basically… your thoughts control your emotions, which dictate your actions. There are many ways to interpret anything that happens. You are not at the mercy of your feelings. Changing how you think about something will change how you feel about it. It makes being happy a choice… and really it’s a no-brainer. I’m not exaggerating when I say that you could put me into some really bleak scenario and the odds are I’m gonna be able to be content with it.
But don’t get me wrong… I’ll still try and change things for the better. I’ve often thought that contentment and inner peace would dull any sort of passion I’ve got for things, but it doesn’t work like that at all. I’m now passionate about Everything.
I thought that developing a spiritual component to my life would mean I’d be one of those wackjobs on the street corner handing out Watchtower magazines. No, it’s a personal thing.
I was certain that going to the gym was for boneheads. It aint.
I thought redefining who I am by scrapping the lies that I’ve used to create whatever identity I thought was who I was would mean that I’d somehow cease to exist as me anymore. But I’m more myself now than I’ve ever been.
I thought not drinking etc. would make me some kind of straight-laced dork. Tough *****.
My head is really turned around about a lot of things.
The sum total of this thing is that I hit a pretty solid bottom and have ended up becoming the man I’ve always wanted to be. Forget about ‘managing’ or ‘getting by’… I’m ready to realize my full potential in life, whatever that may be and wherever that may lead. However it turns out, I’m certainly equipped now to enjoy the ride.
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WTG Nash :)
Looks like you are closer to finding the true meaning of life than ever before. Good rules to live by.
Remember, true character is how you are when no one is looking.
Good luck to you.
~S~!
Regards.
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Theese are very good news, Nash.
I am very happy for you. :)
WTFG!
:cool:
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"Single Injection Promising for Heroin Addiction
Fri 30 January, 2004 20:43
By Merritt McKinney
NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - A single dose of an experimental drug holds promise for the treatment of heroin addiction, according to the results of a small study.
The findings suggest that a new, long-lasting formulation of the drug buprenorphine is safe and seems to prevent withdrawal symptoms for 6 weeks. What's more, the long-lasting form of the drug, known as a "depot" formulation, seems to block the effect of other opioid drugs, the class of drugs that includes heroin and morphine.
"I believe the depot medication offers promise as a way to make effective treatment more accessible to opioid-addicted patients without the need to worry that the treatment medication itself might be misused or abused," Dr. George E. Bigelow of Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine in Baltimore told Reuters Health.
Lead author Bigelow said he was impressed with the drug's effectiveness in providing long-lasting relief from symptoms of withdrawal that usually occur when people stop taking heroin and other similar drugs.
The Johns Hopkins researcher said that more research is needed to confirm the results of this small trial and to identify the best use of this new formulation of buprenorphine.
Methadone, a synthetic opioid that blocks the effect of heroin and reduces cravings for the drug, has been used for decades to treat heroin addiction. For methadone to work, though, it must be taken every day, and patients are usually required to make frequent visits to a methadone clinic to receive the medication.
Buprenorphine, too, blocks the pleasure of heroin and reduces an addict's cravings. In a tablet form, the drug is normally taken once a day.
Now, Bigelow and his colleagues report that a single injection of a long-lasting version of buprenorphine is safe and seems effective, at least in a small study.
The study included five people who had used heroin for an average of more than 6 years. After receiving a single injection of the long-lasting buprenorphine, participants were monitored for signs of withdrawal for the next 6 weeks.
The new formulation was safe, with no major side effects reported.
Even though the study was designed to test the drug's safety, not its effectiveness, it seemed to work in helping addicts' get off heroin, Bigelow and his colleagues report in the January issue of the journal Drug and Alcohol Dependence.
When participants received inpatient care after 4 weeks of depot buprenorphine, none needed other medications to combat withdrawal symptoms. In fact, participants did not experience clinically significant withdrawal symptoms after receiving the buprenorphine injection.
At the end of the 6-week study, urine tests showed that all of the patients had abstained from opioid drugs like heroin with the exception of one person who reported using a prescription opioid drug for dental pain. Two patients reported cocaine use.
The drug also seemed to block most of the effect of another opioid medication that was given to the participants.
Although other forms of buprenorphine are available in the U.S., Bigelow noted that the slow-release formulation is still experimental and has not been approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA).
"Gathering sufficient data and experience for FDA approval is likely to take a good while yet," he said.
The study was funded by the National Institute on Drug Abuse. Biotek Inc., which makes the experimental buprenorphine formulation, provided the study medication. Two of the study's authors work for Biotek.
SOURCE: Drug and Alcohol Dependence, January 2004."
http://www.reuters.co.uk/newsArticl...98§ion=news
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one has to travel through the valley to get to the mountain top
keep at it sir
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WTG Nash - happy for ya
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Good to hear you're alive and kicking Nash. Keep it up if it's working for ya. I may even throw in this smiley --> :aok
Originally posted by Eagler
one has to travel through the valley to get to the mountain top
keep at it sir
Really? I just take the cable car.