Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Nilsen on April 28, 2004, 11:12:38 AM
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1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you.
5. When a beer goes flat, you toss it.
6. There is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO reason number six.
7. Hangovers go away.
8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never had a headache.
12. After you have had a beer, the bottle is still worth 10 cents.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer always goes down easy.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. A beer doesn't care when you come home.
22. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. Beer always comes in multiples of six
26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer
28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than
dumping the empty bottle
29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty
30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another
31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod
32. Beer looks the same in the morning
33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month
34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in
35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids
36. Beer doesn't get cramps
37. Beer doesn't have a mother
38. Beer doesn't have morals
39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month
40. Beer always listens and never argues
41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year
42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles
43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet
44. Beer doesn't demand legality
45. Beer is never overweight
46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony
47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards
48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer
49. Beer doesn't need much closet space
50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things
51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive
52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch
53. Beer never changes it's mind
54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get
55. Beer never asks you to change the station
56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping
57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass
58. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks
59. Big, fat beers are nice to have
60. Beer doesn't pout or play games
61. Beer NEVER says no
63. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere
64. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers
65. Beer doesn't wear a bra
66. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty
67. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity
68. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper
69. Beer doesn't live with its mother
70. Beer doesn't blow you off
71. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners
72. Beer doesn't *****, yell, or cry
73. Beer doesn't mind football season
74. Beer won't make you go to church.
75. Beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
76. Beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
77. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
78. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
other beers around.
79. Beer is never late.
80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the
babies are "cute".
81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of
"doberperson".
83. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
folk music on yer fave radio station.
84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are ****heads.
85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
toilet seat up.
86. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a beer,
it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.
87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A beer won't smoke in your car.
89. A beer won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down
an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner
out of the sky.
90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A beer will actually _support_ belching and farting and share yer
enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the
1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona.
92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
93. A beer never fishes for compliments.
94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
95. Beer tastes _good_.
96. If you take a beer outta the fridge just to look at it but then
decide to drink it, the beer won't accuse you of "date rape".
97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watching
"John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on yer VCR.
98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A beer won't think the Circle Jerks are gross just because they're
called the Circle Jerks. (They _are_ gross, but that's not why).
100. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the
grocery store.
101. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy
"just for the articles". (You _are_ lying, but the beer won't
accuse you of it).
102. A beer won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a Giants
game without the expressed, written consent of the National Football
League.
103. A beer won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the
excuse "but I saved a quarter!"
104. A beer will _never_ make you go to a Swedish movie.
105. A beer will _never_ make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater" on
channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.
106. A beer won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman"
instead of "Gene Hackperson".
107. A beer won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes
like STP Oil Treatment.
108. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't
make you ill.
109. You don't have to say "I love you" to a beer.
110. You don't have to impress a beer.
111. You don't have to see your beer every night.
112. Beer goes on sale.
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My college's newspaper wrote a university-ized version of that list that included two bits I didn't see in your list:
"A beer will wait patiently in the car while you go play sports."
and
"Its ok to be seen in public with a dark beer."
The second one triggered a couple of letters to the editor, as you can imagine.
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hehe, i can see why