Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: SLCR on May 31, 2004, 11:02:46 PM
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A test a friend of mine tried on himself today. It's so firkin' funny I thought I'd share:
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Beth is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something
akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone
myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a
LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes. Last weekend I spied
something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in
mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled. Beth sent me into Star Market to
pick up some milk yesterday and I bought a superball in the checkout
line--50 cents. What a bargain! It tickled my fancy--still does. That
thing bounces soooooo high, and it has provided me with hours of
entertainment. It just doesn't get any better than that, now does it?)
I'm so easily distracted. That dang superball is so much fun. So what were
we talking about? Oh yeah, I bought something really cool at Larry's
Pistol and Pawn last Saturday. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I
was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came
across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For
those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate
an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while
you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time
to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed
assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering,
goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've
never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing
out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would
not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire
for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did
so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily amused, just fyi, but I have yet to explain to
Beth what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave . . . ruuuu roooo.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my dog Molly looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Molly), and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Molly for a fraction of a
second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet doggy, after all.
But, if I was going to give this thing to Beth to protect herself against
a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time . .
.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no boody
way!" Bloody way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
followed. I'm sitting there alone, Molly looking on with her head cocked
to one side as to say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound,
rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided
to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You
know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so
obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed
so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!
I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked
me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left
arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Molly was standing over
me making whimpering sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again daddy, do it again!" (Note:
If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of
caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're
lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like
yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute/so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My
triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
+/- an ounce/two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my
testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round,
rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. They make
a clanging sound, and were last seen hanging from Beth's rearview mirror.
Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
NOTE TO MEN: DO NOT buy your wife a Tazer gun. Beth's is broke now and it
may be awhile before I get around to fixing the damn thing.
NOTE TO WOMEN: Buy lots of batteries . . . think of the possibilities.
This message is provided to you as a public service to illustrate that
stupid should hurt, and most assuredly always does in my case. Have a nice
day!
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-SLICER
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Oops! I thought I posted this in O'club...D'OH!
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In thinking over your friends little experiment several words come to mind. None of them complimentory.
"Idiot" is probably the most mild of these LMAO
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Funniest thing I've read in years - you know whats going to happen from the minute you start reading ..... yet, you can't help continuing with it !!
Still can't stop laughing
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Oh this is the best thing I have read on here in a long time. I got tears in my eyes laughing so hard. I never would have got it at the O'Club. Your forgiven.
LTARsqrl :rofl
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I worked with a guy who was willing to take a hit from one for 100 bucks!
Then he had to go and get hit by a car and lose his leg!
Selfish bastage!:D
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I can believe this story, what with new technology and all.
In the 1960s, I built an electric shock machine out of Meccano! All I needed was a base frame on which was mounted a 4.5 volt battery, an induction coil and a solenoid. The power ran from the battery to the solenoid, which worked like a "continuous ring" door bell - constantly making then breaking the supply to the low tension side of the induction coil. The two electrodes ran from the high tension side of the coil. Adjusting the solenoid by gapping the contacts was tricky, but necessary to achieve the continuous on/off supply to the LT coil.
I was amazed at the punch that thing packed. I tried it out on the kid up the road. He went down like he'd been zapped by a dalek. :lol
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:lol
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LOL :rofl
Just getting the visual of jesse body slamming him over and over again was worth the price of admission!
"Do it again, Daddy," was pretty damn funny, too :lol
My eyes are watering ....:rofl
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LOL...great read, thanks.:rofl
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Remember the infomercials with the belt that provided small electric shocks in different patterns (can't recall the name of the thing)...well I had to have one!!! Thats my kind of exersise.
Just sit there watchin the tube or flying a sortie and this thing just gives the ole body a low voltage/amp work out .
So I order it, it comes in and I'm like Look honey the belt thing came in. Her:uh huh.
I read the first page while putting this thing around my beer belly.
Used the "gel" to ensure contact. Now the "brains of this thing is about the size of a business card and uses 2 watch batteries.
I turn it on and receive a slight shock which causes my belly to firm up. After two or three pulses it changed to a different pulse rate. I say this isn't so bad, Her: what?
nevermind I say. As I walk into the living room and still reading the instructions I run across the part that says to "step up" the pulses just hit the on button 10 times for high.
Well I press the on button in rapid succession 123456789...10 and the next cycle hits me like a freight train.
I am locked up bent over going..'UUUUggggghhhhhh' then it let go I catch my breath just as it hits me again. "UUUgggghhhhh!!!
My wife says "whats the matter?....I am doubled over and can't say nothin but UUUUUGGGGHHHHHhhhh!!!. then it lets go, I catch another breath and try to find the OFF button....it hit's me again, she says what's wrong? I have a contorted look on my face going UUUUUgggggggHHhhh!....She gives me the go to hell look then turns around and says "if you don't want to answer me that's just fine!" and walks out of the room.
I'm waiting for this thing to let go and I wonder how long I can keep trying to find the "OFF" button before I pass out.
On the next cycle as I was trying to hit the off button i felt the velcro strap, so when it hit me the next time I ripped that puppy off. And I paid a ton of money for that thing which now just sits in an end table. ....On low it doe's releive some lower back pain, but it stays away from the ole belly!
koda
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:rofl
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Originally posted by koda76
Remember the infomercials with the belt that provided small electric shocks in different patterns (can't recall the name of the thing)...well I had to have one!!! Thats my kind of exersise.
Just sit there watchin the tube or flying a sortie and this thing just gives the ole body a low voltage/amp work out .
So I order it, it comes in and I'm like Look honey the belt thing came in. Her:uh huh.
I read the first page while putting this thing around my beer belly.
Used the "gel" to ensure contact. Now the "brains of this thing is about the size of a business card and uses 2 watch batteries.
I turn it on and receive a slight shock which causes my belly to firm up. After two or three pulses it changed to a different pulse rate. I say this isn't so bad, Her: what?
nevermind I say. As I walk into the living room and still reading the instructions I run across the part that says to "step up" the pulses just hit the on button 10 times for high.
Well I press the on button in rapid succession 123456789...10 and the next cycle hits me like a freight train...
That's a great story too!!! LMAO:lol
-SLICER
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I remember an episode of "Jackprettythang" where Steve-O allowed himself to be hit with a Tazer. A Tazer is a stungun that fires a small fish hook attached to a wire. Kinda like fun with a remote control.
Anyway, he gets hit with it and hits the ground like a sack of potatoes. As he recovers and starts to get back on his feet (with fish hook still firmly embeded in his bare chest) they zap him again. FLOP! Down he goes! They hit him 4 times before the batteries apparently gave out.
When it was over he was white as a sheet and still had to dig the fish hook out of his chest.
I also knew an Electrician's Mate in the Coast Guard that loved to charge a small capacitor then walk up and toss it to you yelling "Think Fast!". :rofl :rofl :rofl
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Christmas eve, 1993 your trustworthy me working as a Paramedic in the city of Oakland CA. Crazy guy decides its time to show the world he was "Jesus Christ From the Left" (his quote not mine) and try to get OPD to shoot him. When the bullets passed through him he would show the world he was "JCFL" and meet "my brother Jesus Christ From the Right and lead the world to heaven"
Dude gets cranked up on meth and weed and stands in his fenced off yard with two kitchen knives and a short sword screaming "Shoot me" We stand read with 5 point restrains on the gurney while OPD cut the lock off the gate and hits him with the Taser
Suspects quote when hit....
Ahh........AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HH!
As he shakes and rolls on the ground. We tackle him and take his weapons away. After we get him in restraints and start rollong to the ambulance he looks up and says...
"Is this going to violate my parole?"
We all broke up laughing
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I started working at a gas station as my "first Job" I was 12.
All of the other guys were in high school, So I was like "hey lets Show the Little guy this"
I was caught with the "think fast capacitor" right off the bat!
I still love to do it to people...........lol
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SLCR,
Tell your friend that he is a brilliant writer. This was so well written that it balances out his act of stupidity. The first line indicated that it was going to be a good read, “Beth is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something
akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" “.
eskimo
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Originally posted by koda76
Remember the infomercials with the belt that provided small electric shocks in different patterns (can't recall the name of the thing)...well I had to have one!!! I'm waiting for this thing to let go and I wonder how long I can keep trying to find the "OFF" button before I pass out.
And I paid a ton of money for that thing which now just sits in an end table.koda
How much ya want for it?
I know people ....mmm never mind.:D
How much ya want for it?
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I think I paid $129 then received batteries,gel, and a new pad every 3 months for about 3 months so beleive it or not I have about $200 wrapped up in the darn thing. I think I still have a couple of the new pads and a bunch of batteries and gel.
I don't have a clue what I would want for it ....I still use it to releive lower back pain when required. I haven't used it since the first of the year though. What you got to trade?
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I was about 11 and my brother was 10 when we found an old telephone crank generator in my grandparents's garage. I grabbed the old wires with cracked and missing insulation and he started cranking. Nothing, so I told him to turn it faster. I thought I knew electricity before that day, I was wrong. While it can get very personal, electricty isn't our friend. ;)
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Reminds me of my very twisted 7th Grade Science Teacher. He had the whole class form a circle holding hands while people on the end held the wires to an old crank phone. You could feel the current running thru you and if you let go it would knock the **** out of you. The guys thought it was neat, the girls mostly cried.
Mr. Herndon was the prototypical Nutty Professor. He always had the coolest experiments. (Fun with Magnesium, Cyanide vs Gold, ect.) We had to evacuate the Science Lab 4 times that year.