Aces High Bulletin Board

General Forums => Aces High General Discussion => Topic started by: Gixer on June 05, 2004, 02:55:35 AM

Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: Gixer on June 05, 2004, 02:55:35 AM
Not wanting to make a habbit of posting jokes but this one especially since it's military related is far too good to pass up. Enjoy.


Army Retirement...


The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
Retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000
for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his
body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured, from the top of
his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked
out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out
with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would
like to be measured, replied, "From the tip of my noodle to my
testicles."  

It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received.

But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him,
providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to drop'em, so he
did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's
noodle and began to work back.

"My God!, he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"  

The Captain calmly replied, "Vietnam".


:rofl :rofl :rofl
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: LWACE on June 05, 2004, 03:39:23 AM
LMAO:rofl :rofl :rofl
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: Halo on June 05, 2004, 07:39:10 PM
:rofl
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: Jackal1 on June 05, 2004, 09:37:03 PM
That is far and beyond the most mental midget post to date.
-----------------------------------------------------
(http://www.onpoi.net/ah/pics/users/22_1086489133_soldiers.jpg)

 "If you are able, save for them a place inside of you and save one backward glance when you are leaving for the places they can no longer go.

     Be not ashamed to say you loved them, though you may or may not have always. Take what they have taught you with their dying and keep it with your own.

     And in that time when men decide and feel safe to call the war insane, take one moment to embrace those gentle heroes you left behind."

Major Michael Davis O'Donnell
1 January 1970
Dak To, Vietnam
Listed as KIA February 7, 1978
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: ALF on June 05, 2004, 09:53:37 PM
If you cant laugh at it, at least respect those who can....its through laughter we overcome our greatest pain.
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: GA on June 06, 2004, 03:13:35 AM
True ALF;)

Was a good joke Gixer :)
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: Gixer on June 06, 2004, 06:51:06 AM
Cripes Jackal you find that offensive? Life is so much easier with a sense of humour.



As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:

PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how butterin shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT - Yer nat butterin kiddin, Paddy

 PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus!

 CO-PILOT - Yer nat butterin kiddin, Paddy!!

 PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse!!

 CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat!!

 PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down!!

 CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too!!

 PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad!!!

 CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.

So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul.

The brakes screeched, the tires squealed, and there was smoke everywhere, but, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to stop but a few metres from the end of the runway!!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be de shartist butterin runway in de world!"

Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how butterin wide it is?"
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: Replicant on June 06, 2004, 07:26:00 AM
Love the Paddy joke! :)
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: Jackal1 on June 06, 2004, 08:01:56 AM
Quote
Originally posted by ALF
If you cant laugh at it, at least respect those who can.

 

Respect?? Now that`s a good joke when you apply it to this crap. I don`t have a clue how old you are bud, but here is ya a L`il explanation of something thousands found anything but humorous.
-----------------------------------------------------
The term "Bouncing Betty" is a military name given to land mine used in Vietnam. The idea is that the mine is buried underground and when stepped upon it becomes armed. When pressure is released it pauses for a brief period of time (3 seconds) and launches a canister upward, which detonates approximately 3 feet above ground level.
-----------------------------------------------------
Get the picture?
  Tell ya what...go to The Wall and watch the VN vets roll up in their wheel chairs and some with mising various parts of their bodies. See the tears, pain and anguish while they pay "respect" to their fallen brothers.
  Tap one of them on the shoulder and tell him this l`il pearl of a joke . If ya live through it then come back and talk to me about f**king respect.
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: Creamo on June 06, 2004, 08:19:22 AM
"My real name is Jackal. But if any one of you homos calls me Francis...I'll kill you."

Lighten up Francis.
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: Urchin on June 06, 2004, 09:36:14 AM
Actually Jackal... I think most of em would probably laugh their tulips off.  

Sort of gallows humor, 40 years late.
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: Monk on June 06, 2004, 10:01:14 AM
Quote
Originally posted by Creamo
"My real name is Jackal. But if any one of you homos calls me Francis...I'll kill you."

Lighten up Francis.
 Hehehe.  Geez, I can't remember what movie that was.
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: Creamo on June 06, 2004, 10:29:17 AM
Stripes.

(http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/17/STRIPES.JPG)



Netflix my man. Subscribe, yesterday already
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: Toad on June 06, 2004, 11:40:00 AM
If I were Blockbuster, I'd be crappin' razorblades.

Netflix. Wish I had thought of it!
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: Jackal1 on June 06, 2004, 12:19:29 PM
Quote
Originally posted by Urchin
Actually Jackal... I think most of em would probably laugh their tulips off.  

Sort of gallows humor, 40 years late.


  I`m not laughing, neither is my brother.
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: Urchin on June 06, 2004, 12:26:44 PM
 Note the 'most'.   You'll always have your tightasses that are offended by anything and everything.
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: TweetyBird on June 06, 2004, 12:47:45 PM
Jackal, do you see the logical incosistancy that you are offended by a joke that alludes to a war injury, and you play a game based on war? The inconsistancy is so gross, I find your protest a little phoney.
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: Widewing on June 06, 2004, 01:00:09 PM
Quote
Originally posted by Jackal1
The term "Bouncing Betty" is a military name given to land mine used in Vietnam. The idea is that the mine is buried underground and when stepped upon it becomes armed. When pressure is released it pauses for a brief period of time (3 seconds) and launches a canister upward, which detonates approximately 3 feet above ground level.


"Bouncing Bettys" dates to WWII. They have used the term in Vietnam, but it predates that war by 25 years. The term was coined to decribe the German S-mine, or "Schrapnellmine". This was a bounding mine about the size of a soda can. Its spring was released upon stepping on exposed prongs. Once the soldier removed his foot, the canister would spring up about a meter high and explode scattering 350 steel balls at high velocity, up to a distance of 150 yards in radius.

These and its contemporaries are among the most insidious weapons ever invented. The number they have maimed is countless.

My regards,

Widewing
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: Jackal1 on June 06, 2004, 01:07:31 PM
Quote
Originally posted by TweetyBird
Jackal, do you see the logical incosistancy that you are offended by a joke that alludes to a war injury, and you play a game based on war? The inconsistancy is so gross, I find your protest a little phoney.


  Don`t really give a rats arse what you think you find slick. You misunderstood the whole thing anyway.
  I`m not protesting war idiot. I`m saying have respect for those who served.
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: Slash27 on June 06, 2004, 04:14:56 PM
Good jokes Gixer:aok   My dad laughed too. Vietnam vet U.S.M.C. '66-'67
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: Gixer on June 06, 2004, 05:29:09 PM
"I`m saying have respect for those who served"

I doubt there would be a single person in this community that dosn't have respect for those that have served. A great number of those here (including myself) are ex military or currently serving.

Maybe if you went to a forum for a game like The Sims you will find a few pacifists. As I don't think any live here.




...-Gixer
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: TweetyBird on June 06, 2004, 10:27:25 PM
>>Don`t really give a rats arse what you think you find slick. You misunderstood the whole thing anyway.
I`m not protesting war idiot. I`m saying have respect for those who served.<<

Well  back at you "slick". As someone else posted, you'd be absolutely amazed at the irreverence of gallows humor. You've never been on a sinking ship eh?

I told the joke to Capt Don Sommers today - he was in that little D-day invasion 60 years ago, He was on the tube today, with piece he taped a few years ago with historian Stephen Ambrose.
Captain Sommer helps run the D-day museum here in New Orleans, spotlighting the tremendous value of the Higgins landing craft  You know, that boat with gate on front - they called it the gate to hell. Because even though that gate was only 1/4 inch steel, they had comfort behind it. Then it opened, and they were sitting in an "egg crate missing an end."

 He laughed his butt off at the joke and ate most of the macoroni salad. Lighten up. You aint special - most sane people recognize the tremendous service veterans performed for this country. There was nothing disrespectful in that joke - you just hijacked the thread.

Logical inconsistancies are more a sign of idiocy than the fact someone disagreed with you or pointed out your inconsistancies.
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: FiLtH on June 08, 2004, 01:25:57 AM
Relax its a joke.  The humor in it was supposed to be that now they have to measure from his noodle to Viet Nam making his check huge, showing that the Captain was the smartest of them all....not making fun of his for losing his nuts in combat.
Title: Oink
Post by: twitchy on June 08, 2004, 05:35:32 AM
Gixer, you perv!
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: Rolex on June 08, 2004, 06:33:57 AM
You know what, guys? I believe that many folks with mental problems think the internet world has given them permission to release the demons and toxin that they would not release in their universe of friends, work associates or family. The fear of being labeled as mentally unstable helps those getting close to the edge to back away and keeps those demons in check.

One example is the Overbearing Virtual Vietnam Vet. I can't count the number of times that people posing as Vietnam veterans on the internet turn out to be frauds and liars. They turn out to be reasonably smart people who are frustrated that they never achieved the greatness and recognition they thought life would give them. Their job, their home, their car, their daily existence are all disappointments to them.

If you added up all the delusional men claiming to be VN vets they would probably number into the tens of millions. And you can spot them a mile away because they are the most prolific about 'perceived' slights and the most humorless. Those who have seen the horrific reality of war are the least vocal.
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: Blammo on June 08, 2004, 09:50:03 AM
Quote
Originally posted by Jackal1
Respect?? Now that`s a good joke when you apply it to this crap. I don`t have a clue how old you are bud, but here is ya a L`il explanation of something thousands found anything but humorous.
-----------------------------------------------------
The term "Bouncing Betty" is a military name given to land mine used in Vietnam. The idea is that the mine is buried underground and when stepped upon it becomes armed. When pressure is released it pauses for a brief period of time (3 seconds) and launches a canister upward, which detonates approximately 3 feet above ground level.
-----------------------------------------------------
Get the picture?
  Tell ya what...go to The Wall and watch the VN vets roll up in their wheel chairs and some with mising various parts of their bodies. See the tears, pain and anguish while they pay "respect" to their fallen brothers.
  Tap one of them on the shoulder and tell him this l`il pearl of a joke . If ya live through it then come back and talk to me about f**king respect.


Just a couple of corrections:  Bouncing Betty was the nickname given to a German mine used during WW2.  Variations of if have existed since then including an American version.  The American version is armed when the two safety pins are removed.  The mine can be detonated by tilt or pressure.  They bound up anywhere from 1 to 2 meters when the rocket located in the base of the "can" is ignited.  It have a blast radius of approximately 15 meters.  The American version bounds as enough pressure or tilt is applied.  The "Bouncing Betty"  is one of the nastiest weapons in anyones arsenal.

Jackal:  Everyone deals with tragic events in different ways.  While the joke may not be appropriate while a guy is lying on the ground with his guts hanging out, later, after the fact and removed from the immediate trauma, it is how people cope.  Everyone's sensibilities are different and you have to allow for that.  No one is laughing over the mamed and crippled war veterans.  They are laughing at the humor of the joke.

Robert Tippin (Vet)

Formerly: B Company, 307th Engineer Battalion, 82nd Airborne Division.
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: Saintaw on June 09, 2004, 12:58:09 AM
lol Gix, good one :D
Title: Outstanding Joke
Post by: Dead Man Flying on June 09, 2004, 02:31:47 AM
Etch, I'm gonna be in New Orleans for a day in about a month.  I plan on heading out to the D-Day Museum.  I wouldn't mind a knowledgeable guide if you're up to it.  :)

-- Todd/Leviathn