Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: milnko on July 17, 2004, 01:22:36 PM
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I... I wanted to be...
A LUMBERJACK!
(piano vamp)
Leaping from tree to tree! As they float down the mighty rivers of
British Columbia! With my best girl by my side!
The Larch!
The Pine!
The Giant Redwood tree!
The Sequoia!
The Little Whopping Rule Tree!
We'd sing! Sing! Sing!
Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day.
CHORUS: He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lavatree.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.
Mounties: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
He goes to the lavatree.
On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'
And has buttered scones for tea.
CHORUS
I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars.
Mounties: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around.... In bars???????
CHORUS
I chop down trees, I wear high heels,
Suspenders and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa.
Mounties: He cuts down trees, he wears high heels
Suspenders and a .... a Bra????
(mounties break off song, and begin insulting lumberjack)
Girl: (crying) I thought you were so rugged!
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nudge nudge...wink wink
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he was lucky...
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G' day Bruce!
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y'all on drugs or is it just me that doesnt get it? ..cheers btw
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Originally posted by Nilsen
y'all on drugs or is it just me that doesnt get it? ..cheers btw
nils..it's from a 70's Monty Pyhton sketch
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Originally posted by xrtoronto
nils..it's from a 70's Monty Pyhton sketch
aha..thx
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Originally posted by xrtoronto
nils..it's from a 70's Monty Pyhton sketch
About Canadians. :aok
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Monty Python is stupid.
eskimo
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Originally posted by eskimo2
Monty Python is stupid.
eskimo
just curious, if you think MP is stupid, why do you have them quoted in your sig line?
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Anyone else here that "swooshing" sound? :lol
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eskimo's just here for an argument.
E=Eskimo
C=Curval
E: (Knock)
C: Come in.
E: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
C: I told you once.
E: No you haven't.
C: Yes I have.
E: When?
C: Just now.
E: No you didn't.
C: Yes I did.
E: You didn't
C: I did!
E: You didn't!
C: I'm telling you I did!
E: You did not!!
C: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
E: Oh, just the five minutes.
C: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
E: You most certainly did not.
C: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
E: No you did not.
C: Yes I did.
E: No you didn't.
C: Yes I did.
E: No you didn't.
C: Yes I did.
E: No you didn't.
C: Yes I did.
E: You didn't.
C: Did.
E: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
C: Yes it is.
E: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
C: No it isn't.
E: It is!
C: It is not.
E: Look, you just contradicted me.
C: I did not.
E: Oh you did!!
C: No, no, no.
E: You did just then.
C: Nonsense!
E: Oh, this is futile!
C: No it isn't.
E: I came here for a good argument.
C: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
E: An argument isn't just contradiction.
C: It can be.
E: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
C: No it isn't.
E: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
C: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
E: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
C: Yes it is!
E: No it isn't!
C: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
E: No it isn't.
: It is.
C: Not at all.
E: Now look.
C: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
E: What?
C: That's it. Good morning.
E: I was just getting interested.
C: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
E: That was never five minutes!
C: I'm afraid it was.
E: It wasn't.
Pause
C: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
E: What?!
C: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
E: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
C: (Hums)
E: Look, this is ridiculous.
C: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
E: Oh, all right. (pays money)
C: Thank you.
short pause
E: Well?
C: Well what?
E: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
C: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
E: I just paid!
C: No you didn't.
E: I DID!
C: No you didn't.
E: Look, I don't want to argue about that.
C: Well, you didn't pay.
E: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!
C: No you haven't.
E: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
C: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
E: Oh I've had enough of this.
C: No you haven't.
E: Oh Shut up. (Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)
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Curval :rofl
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This one is better.
(http://users.tinyonline.co.uk/reo/RenAndStimpy_RoyalCanadianKiltedYaksmen.jpg)
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(http://alas.matf.bg.ac.yu/~chupcko/images/Monty_Python_2.jpg)
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The Dead Parrot Sketch
Monty Python
Int: The Pet Shoppe
A customer enters a pet shop.
(http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/460000/images/_463071_parrot1.jpg)
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
O: The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!
'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!
'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig!
'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
(pause)
O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: I got a slug.
(pause)
C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
O: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace the parrot for you.
C: Bolton, eh? Very well.
The customer leaves.
The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.
C: This is Bolton, is it?
O: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.
C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.
The customer goes to the train station.
He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".
C: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.
Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
C: I beg your pardon...?
A: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!
C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
A: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 200 lines, you know.
C: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.
A: No, this is Bolton.
C: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!
A: Can't blame British Rail for that.
C: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!
He does.
C: I understand this IS Bolton.
O: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
C: You told me it was Ipswitch!
O: ...It was a pun.
C: (pause) A PUN?!?
O: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?
C: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
O: Yeah, that's it!
C: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!! It don't work!!
O: Well, what do you want?
C: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!
Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly...
...And now for something completely different.....
(http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/460000/images/_463071_animation.jpg)