Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: JB88 on January 24, 2005, 08:15:29 PM
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anyone heard any good ones lately?
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No.
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I can't never remember them. They could be as funny as hell, but 15 minutes later it's just gone.
I do, however, have in my limited repertoire what is in fact THE most horrible, awful joke ever devised. There exists none lower.
But there's no frickin way I'm sayin' it here.
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old one
A girl asks her boyfriend, to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. "I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to go for hours and hours." The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meet his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes passes and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious. " The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!!"
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A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it." He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you, I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
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I found this one funny for some reason.
A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead. The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three holes in it. She then sits down in the chair and farts. "Now," she says, "which hole did the fart come out of?" "That's easy," says the Devil. "All of them." "No, stupid! It came out of my butthole!"
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OK, last one. Heard this one years ago, still makes me chuckle.
Lost at Sea, two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer! The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke. "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
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Blonde walks into an office where another blonde is sitting ata desk typing away. The blonde asks the other that is typing what that Big Silver thing was on her desk. The Blonde replies it is a Thermos. She says really what is it for? The blonde answer her saying it is to keep hot things hot and cool thiongs cool. The one blonde asks her , well what do you have in it. She said she had her lunch. She then asks what her lunch is. The blondes answer is....Hot Soup and a Popsicle.
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:rofl
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A girl is skipping home from school. "Mommy! Mommy! Guess what?! I could count up to twenty today and the rest of my classmates could only count to three! One, two, three,(she counts quickly through to)twenty! Is that because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"Yes dear, it's because you're blonde" Says her mother, whistfully.
The following day the girl is skipping home from school and again exclaims with excitement:
"Mommy, I could say the whole alphabet today while my classmates could only go to 'G'! See? A, B, C,..(she continues excitedly to complete the alphabet) Z!
Is that because I'm blonde mommy?"
"Yes dear, it's because you're blonde" Says her mother, whistfully.
The next day the girl skips home from school. "Mommy! Mommy! I saw that I have these! (She lifts up her sweater to reveal a pair of 34DD's) The other girls don't! Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No dear, it's because you're 26."
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:rofl
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Q:How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new brain transplant?
A: She sneezes
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: What's the difference between a dumb blonde
and a slab of concrete?
A: A slab of concrete only gets laid once.
Did you hear about blonde who was so dumb she tripped
over a cordless phone?
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: The mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A: Get'em on their back and their both ****ed.
:D
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Did you hear the one about a blonde given a vibrator for her birthday?
- she knocked her front teeth out.
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During World War II a pilot was being interviewed for a radio news program about the air battle that the pilot had just fought.
[Interviewer} So you were in the big dogfight today?
[Pilot} That's right....
[Interviewer] So could tell our audience about the fight?
[Pilot] It was the biggest dogfight I've ever seen, There were Fokkers ahead of me, there were Fokkers above me and Fokkers behind me and...
[Interviewer interrupts] Hold on, for our audience I must point out that a Fokker is a type of German aircraft.
[Pilot} That's right! And those Fokkers were Messerschmitts.....
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good joke but doesn't work well here...everybody knows that in WW2 Fokker was working for the Netherlands, which was one of Germany's first conquests.
Plus, they had too few competitive aircraft for the Luftwaffe to use any of the captured planes.
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The lone ranger and tonto are tracking buffalo out in the open plains. For days they cannot find any then one day they come across a set of hoof tracks.
Tonto gets off the horse and says 'i listen to earth for buffalo kimosabe' and promptly runs towards the hoof marks and stick his ear on the ground.
Minutes pass.
The lone ranger finally asks tonto : 'Well Tonto, how far away are the buffalo?'
Tonto replies: 'Buffalo come here 20 minutes ago kimosabe'
'Ok then lets go after them'
'I cannot kimosabe'
'Why?'
'Face glued to ground kimosabe'
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Q. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A. Full.
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little johnny is in school one day and the teacher is giving a math lesson.
she asks little johnny "if you had $20 and gave susy $5 and jenny $5 what would you have?"
"an orgy" little johnny replied
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Originally posted by JB73
little johnny is in school one day and the teacher is giving a math lesson.
she asks little johnny "if you had $20 and gave susy $5 and jenny $5 what would you have?"
"an orgy" little johnny replied
roflmao
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Q: What does Michael Jackson call his Doll?
A: Bait.
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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints
of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes
back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks
him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would
taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman
replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way
to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender
admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks
the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in
turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round,
the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief,
but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light
dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says,
"Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
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ROTFLMAO :rofl :rofl :rofl
LAZURAS YOUR A RIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:rofl :lol :lol
THE megaSTUD :D
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They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America, he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.
:)
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LMAO FLYBOY!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol :lol :lol :rofl
THE megaSTUD :D
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A group of seniors were sitting around the pool in sunny Florida talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled, "volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up, I can't hear you," said a fourth.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk," exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully. "THANK GOD WE CAN ALL DRIVE!"
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(http://humorshack.com/archive/cartoons/h.gif)
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A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
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HO HO hahaha ha ha ha!
(slapping leg)
*gasp*
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A fighter pilot sat down at the "O" Club bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him and turned to the man in the flight suit and asked, "Are you a real fighter pilot?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life flying jets, deploying overseas, going to fighter and weapons schools, dodging SAMs, jinking through dog fights, wearing big watches, and strapping into F-8's, F-4's, F/A-18s, F-14s and performing Air Combat Maneuvers, shooting down airplanes, bombing the enemy, so, you bet, I'm a fighter pilot and a damn good one."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the pilot and asked, "Are you a real fighter pilot?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
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what do you call a bishop that has both sheep and goats?
bisexual
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a first grade class comes in from recess, and the teacher asks a little girl what she did outside
"i played in the sandbox" the girl says
"thats good" says the teacher "go to the blackboard and write sand correctly and i'll give you a cookie"
the girl does it, and gets here cookie.
the teacher then turns to a little boy wearing a turban and asks what he did suring recess.
"i tried to play in the sandbox, but everyone threw rocks at me" replied the boy in broken english.
"that's blatant racial discrimination!" says the teacher "go up to the blackboard and write blatant racial discrimination correctly and i'll give you a cookie".
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A civilian pilot landed his Cessna 150 at an airport and went in for a hamburger. The aiport was shared a runway with a military base. Military transports were taking off so he watched them as he ate.
A pretty women came in and sat beside him at the counter. He struck up a converstion with her and she asked him if he was a pilot.
"Yes I am" he replied proudly.
"What type of plane do you fly?" she asked him.
Looking over at his Cessna he glanced past it at the runway. A C130 was just getting ready to take off.
"See that plane on the runway, it's called a C-130" he told her.
"And I fly a C-150"
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stop me if youve heard this one...
a guys walking down a pier in the ocean when he passes an ugly woman sobbing uncontrollably.
unable to ignore her suffering, he turns around and tries to console her.
"whats wrong?" he says...
"ive never been hugged.", she replies.
he thinks for a moment, then leans over to give her a hug, pats her on the back and says, "there there..."
she stops crying, he goes on.
she starts sobbing again.
he pauses, thinks of his grandmother and her words of wisdom with strangers and turns around again.
'whats wrong now?" he asks.
"ive never been kissed".
he pauses, thinks about it for a minute and thinks, "what the hell, nobody here that i know."
he gives her a long kiss.
she stops crying.
he starts to walk away again and she starts to cry again.
"what now?!" he says, "ive hugged you, ive kissed you...what else do you need?"
"ive never been screwed," she says.
he pauses. thinks for a moment and sighs, then lifts her into his arms, throws her over the edge of the pier and says...
"yer screwed."
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close, but she's supposed to be in a wheelchair
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Originally posted by JB73
close, but she's supposed to be in a wheelchair
ya, but its the edited g=rated version.
when i heard it she was a stump.
just not goin there.
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NM... decided to not go there either
stump... buthead laugh huhhuhhhuhuhu
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Originally posted by JB73
a first grade class comes in from recess, and the teacher asks a little girl what she did outside
"i played in the sandbox" the girl says
"thats good" says the teacher "go to the blackboard and write sand correctly and i'll give you a cookie"
the girl does it, and gets here cookie.
the teacher then turns to a little boy wearing a turban and asks what he did suring recess.
"i tried to play in the sandbox, but everyone threw rocks at me" replied the boy in broken english.
"that's blatant racial discrimination!" says the teacher "go up to the blackboard and write blatant racial discrimination correctly and i'll give you a cookie".
HAHA someones been reading maxim
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in a math class in first grade the teacher ask jack:
"if you had 20$ and you gave to little suzi 5$ and to little merry 5$
what will you have? "
jack replies: "an orgie"
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A new employee joins the Company, and is required to have a
password setup for his computer. The boss directed a secretary
to setup the password for him.
The secretary asks the man for the password. The man, attempting to embarrass the secretary in order to show superiority, said,
"noodle."
Blushed, the secretary inputted the password noodle, and re-typed
it again. Then she hit enter.
The whole office heard the secretary bursting out of laughters
as a reaction from the computer's screen:
"Your password is Too short"
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:lol
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A bit tasteless but funny nonetheless:
http://www.boreme.com/bm/JAN05/a/vw-suicide-bomber/fr.htm
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ok one more: :)
A priest and a rabbi were in a bar having a drink when the priest said, "Your religion is a unique one in that you do not eat pork. In all the years that you have been a rabbi, have you not at least once eaten pork?" "Well I must confess", replied the rabbi, "I did once give in to weakness while passing a bar-b-q joint, the smell got to me and I had pork and it was wonderful."
"Now I must say,” continues the rabbi “your religion is quite unique in that priests are not allowed to have sex. Are you prepared to tell me that you have never experienced sex
in your whole life?"
The priest replied, "Well, yes, I must confess that once when I was young, I did have sex."
The rabbi said," It was a hell of lot a better than pork, wasn't it?"
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Originally posted by Flyboy
in a math class in first grade the teacher ask jack:
"if you had 20$ and you gave to little suzi 5$ and to little merry 5$
what will you have? "
jack replies: "an orgie"
flyboy... you should read the thread first LOL:
Originally posted by JB73
little johnny is in school one day and the teacher is giving a math lesson.
she asks little johnny "if you had $20 and gave susy $5 and jenny $5 what would you have?"
"an orgy" little johnny replied
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Not so much a joke and most probably heard before but it bears repeating.
Nasa Spent $25 million developing the beloved space pen. Without we would be unable to write in space because the lack of gravity does make the ink to flow to the tip. After the Cold war ended we talked to some russian scientists to ask how they solved this problem. They laughed as they replied "we used a pencil"
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A pair of old hippies lived in an apartment outside of town. One of the hippies came home from work to see his friend with his ear to the floor.
"What are you..." he asks before the other guy cuts him off.
The guy gets down and puts his ear to the floor and after a couple of seconds says, "I don't hear a thing"
The other one says, "yeah and it's been like that all day."
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JB73...page 89....damn!! :eek:
...and 94....and 100...be back in 5 mins!:o
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Originally posted by JB88
stop me if youve heard this one...
:rofl :rofl :rofl
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Even more clues you could be a Redneck...
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
Your dog goes "oink!"
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
You know how to milk a goat.
Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."
You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
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So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, "Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?"
The guy says, "Buddy, I'm six feet, 210 pounds, an' ma name's Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there's Bubba. He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a redneck. And the boy next to him? Mike's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?"
The fella says, "Naw, you're right. . . I'd hate to have to explain it three times!"
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An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.
He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
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Why do women talk more than men, and why are men smarter than women?
Because women have four lips and men have two heads!
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One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."
Last is little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".
Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Johnny replies, "Don't **** with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"
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Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.
To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"
"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.
The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.
"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears, "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.
"YES SIR!!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.
"Now that's courage!" says the admiral.
"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"
"YES SIR!!" replies the private.
"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."
"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.
"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"
They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says.
"YES SIR!!"
"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."
The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "**** YOU SIR!!"
The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"
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A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out.
He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player.
He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player.
He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm ****ing nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"
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Originally posted by Raider179
Not so much a joke and most probably heard before but it bears repeating.
Nasa Spent $25 million developing the beloved space pen. Without we would be unable to write in space because the lack of gravity does make the ink to flow to the tip. After the Cold war ended we talked to some russian scientists to ask how they solved this problem. They laughed as they replied "we used a pencil"
Actually, not true. Nobody used pencils, the graphite shavings were conductive and would cause shorts if they drifted behind the panels. The Soviets purchased and used the same Fisher space pens that NASA did.
Finally, NASA didn't spend a dime developing them. They were developed privately with no government funding.
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Space Pen (http://www.snopes.com/business/genius/spacepen.asp)
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But to contribute to the thread:
So the divorce lawyer says to Mickey, "Well, I just don't see how insanity is grounds for a divorce."
To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say Minnie is insane, I said that she's ****ing Goofey!"