Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Chairboy on March 18, 2005, 03:58:29 PM
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From avweb.com:
"While flying the Santa Monica VOR-A approach tonight, I heard SoCal
approach say..."
Approach: November XXXX say again type.
NXXXX: We're a Beech 19. You know, the little one.
Approach: Roger. So what you're saying is you're a little son of a Beech.
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(Three runways, two intersections and a lesson in geometry.) While
doing touch and goes at my home airport...
Tower: Experimental XYZ, cleared to land 17, hold short of 35.
Me (without thinking): Roger, cleared on 17, hold short of 35.
(Several seconds later.)
Voice on frequency: I want to see this!
Another voice: Me, too!
Tower: Uh, Experimental XYZ, make that hold short of 22.
Voice: Darn!
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(Overheard May 15, 2004.)
Tower: Landing traffic, be advised that there's still a turkey on the runway.
Pilot (speaking immediately): Tower, Cessna ### clear of the active.
Tower: Thank you ... (laughter) ... but I meant the real turkey.
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Overheard December 18, 2003, at a local gliderport...
"A moment of silence everyone, for today we celebrate the 100th
anniversary of the tow plane."
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Taxing back for a departure on Rwy 23 at Morristown (MMU), I noticed a
group of 10 or so snow geese walking across the taxiway toward the
runway. I paused for a moment and started to maneuver in behind the
group of waterfowl. Then I heard ...
GROUND CONTROL: Cessna 123, those things are really a pain in the tail
feathers.
ME: Some one is going to have to teach them a lesson.
GROUND: (refering to a Citation on short final) It looks like they are
going to get that lesson.
UNIDENTIFIED: "Mmmm -- Pate!"
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A controller I know has his personal aircraft hangered at the local
Muni airport. Facing his hangar is another that houses a Green Cessna
210. One day that Cessna came into his sector. My controller friend
recognized the N number and the exchange follows...
Controller: N123, is that airplane painted green?
Pilot: Uh, yes. ...Why?
Controller: Just checking our new color radar.
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Back in the 70's, BOAC (British Airways) flew into O'Hare Chicago and
their call sign was "Speedbird"...
O'Hare: Speedbird xxx slow to 200 kts.
Speedbird xxx: Sorry, running late, need to keep the speed up.
O'Hare: Ok, turn right 90 degrees and keep your speed up.
Speedbird xxx: Errr, how long would we be on that heading?
O'Hare: 'Till you slow to 200.
Speedbird xxx: Roger, slowing to 200
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Overheard en route out of Morristown, NJ (MMU) to Covington, KY (CVG)...
Departure Control: Continental ABC turn left heading 240 degrees and
climb to 11,000.
[long pause]
Departure Control: Continental ABC, Simon says turn left heading 240
degrees and climb to 11,000.
Continental ABC: Roger, left turn 240 and up to 11,000, Continental ABC.
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Control: Continental XXX give me a good rate please through FL100?
Continental XXX: Well sir, we are doing 2000fpm
Controller: Could you make it 3000 fpm?
Continental XXX: No Sir.
Controller: Oh ... do you not have a speedbrake?
Continental: Yes sir, I do, but that is for MY mistakes, not for YOURS!
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As I was heading across the Desert a few monthes back, at the height
of the Iraqi war, and wanting to cut through R2515 around Edwards Air
Force Base, I had the following exchange with Joshua Approach...
Joshua Approach, Musketeer 123 requesting transition through R2515.
Joshua: Restricted area currently off limits, but let me talk to them
at Edwards.
(About 20 seconds of dead air and then Joshua came back to me.)
Joshua: Musketeer 123, Proceed through the restricted area as
requested, they need some practice on slow targets.
--
Overheard while flying east from Dayton...
Approach: Cirrus 123, what's your speed?
Cirrus 123: Now showing 200kts over the ground on the GPS.
Unknown Pilot on Frequency: That's one fast-moving cloud!
--
The July 3-20 Inventing Flight celebration in Dayton, Ohio, kicked off
this weekend with a hot air balloon launch and a visit by President
Bush. Events celebrating 100 years of flight will continue at various
locations through the year Nearly fifty yars ago when I was a NAVCAD
(Naval Aviation Cadet), one of our classmates had an accident. One of
the accident board members asked him what he thought caused the
accident. His reply: "Well sir, I ran out of airspeed, altitude and
ideas all at the same time."
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We often have strong winds in Texas. But they usually pick a direction
and stay put. This particular night while returning to home base at
ADS, the ATIS said the winds were 150 at 15 (right down the runway).
Since I was getting a real workout on the controls, I called for a
wind check.
Tower: "Variable, 120 to 180, 22 gusting to 32."
Me: (With sarcasm) "Oh, that sounds like fun."
Tower: "We've got the cameras rolling."
--
Seen on a Yahoo Message Board regarding a story about a pilot who
Sunday made a successful emergency landing on a freeway in Anaheim,
Calif.: "THIS JUST IN - Chicago Mayor Richard Daley plans to carve
giant "X"es into the Riverside Freeway at midnight tonight."
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Frustrated Controller at LaGuardia on a busy day: "Skyhawk 735 do a
one minute 360 for spacing on the final".
Veteran, cool, knowledgeable pilot "A standard rate-turn 360 degrees
takes two minutes"
Controller: "Do a 180 and back 'er in".
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More from our "Flying IS fun" file... I took my cousin for a plane
ride a few years ago. After an hour, we headed back to DuPage airport.
The last 10 minutes of the flight were quiet, with almost no
conversation. About six miles out, I keyed the mic and opened my mouth
to contact the tower, when all of a sudden my cousin shouts loudly,
"HEY, LOOK, THERE'S A NAKED LADY DOWN THERE BY THE SWIMMING POOL!" My
mouth was still open and the mic button was still pushed.
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Overheard following a Lear's very steep climb out of Teterboro:
Controller: "Lear 12345, after retrieving your passengers from the
tail section, contact departure..."
--
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ROFL good stuff chairboy
My brother sent me some funny maintenence accounts from his AF days. ill try to dig em out
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(P stands for the Problem the pilots entered in the log and S stands for the Corrective Action taken by the mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacemen
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston engined airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed
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ROFL at the new ones chair!!
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When I was working for Delta, I used to love watching the rampies send a new kid up to the cockpit to ask the pilot for the bin keys, or for his credit card to pay for the gas.
Even better was on particulary heavy flights they'd send a kid into the supervisor's office to ask for bin stretchers. :D
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(Three runways, two intersections and a lesson in geometry.) While
doing touch and goes at my home airport...
Tower: Experimental XYZ, cleared to land 17, hold short of 35.
Me (without thinking): Roger, cleared on 17, hold short of 35.
(Several seconds later.)
Voice on frequency: I want to see this!
Another voice: Me, too!
Tower: Uh, Experimental XYZ, make that hold short of 22.
Voice: Darn!
I almost thaught this was Yuma until they said 22.
I got thinking on the second line that 17 and 35 are the same piece of concrete but opposite directions (runways being 17 = 170 degrees and 35 = 350 degrees)
I got yelled at by the Gunny one day for writing a MAF (mait. action form) like this:
Discrep.: Controller reports no RF video on PAR (precision approach radar)
Corrective action: Told controller the RADAR will not produce RF video in HV (high voltage) off position (translation: the panel was red, he had the RADAR turned off)
I told the gunny that he told me to "write a MAF on EVERYTHING including lightbulbs because our mait. hours are low for the month.
:aok
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It seems we have alot of this stuff in military aviation too.
We've played a few tricks on our aircrews in the past. On one occasion at Seymour Johnson we had heard an aircrew bragging about how low they were flying. The following day the same aircrew went out for more low level runs. The crew chiefs b-man grabbed a small branch the crew chief had busted off a tree earlier that morning. When the aircrew landed he proceeded to wedge it between the LANTIRN Nav Pod. The crew got out and the crew chief asked them how low they had been. They proceeded to say not that low. He then pointed at the stick in the Nav Pod and both aircrews looked absolutely stunned and quickly left the aircraft.
On another occasion while stationed in the middle east we played a similiar joke on an aircrew. They pilot was notorious for giving us bogus right ups on the LANTIRN Targeting Pod. The pilot saw the crewchief doing something during the recovery and figured it was a prank. When the crew got down they asked if they had a bird strike. The pilot grinned and said not that he knew of. The crew chief showed the WSO the orangish red mixture on the pod. He swore that he didn't have a bird strike. A second crew chief came up and asked what was going on and was told it was a possible bird strike. The second crew chief proceeded over to the pod and looked closely at the orangish red goop. He stuck his finger in it and then licked his finger clean. The WSO nearly throughup on the spot while the Pilot rolled on the ground laughing his arse off. The crew chief had made a nice orangish red mixture of mustard and ketchup and smeared some of this on the front of the pod.
Had anothe incident at Seymour Johnson where a crew squawked in code 3 for targeting pod. The lead A-Shop avionics tech went to the aircraft for the blue ball. The WSO complained that the pod would not power up. The avionics tech asked him if he noticed anything out of the ordinary with the pod on his preflight walkaround. The WSO quickly responded that everything seemed to be just fine. The avionics guy then told him that their was no pod on the airframe. The WSO and Pilot started frantically talking about how could the pod have fallen off. The avionics guy let them go on for a minute or so and then told them they never had one to start with and they could change their squawk to Code 1. Needless to say the Pilot and WSO were a little embarrassed that they had completely overlooked the fact there was never a pod on there during their preflight.
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Cobra did you read the posts i made in the "heroin" thread. You completly miss understood me. Don't want OSI showing up in my shop lol.
PS you got orders yet? I'm waiting on orders to lackland...MTI duty :)
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I gotcha Gunslinger. Just a difference in opinions. Neither way really seems to be an improvement.
I have yet to get orders. Working with the 16 dipchits now until I get my orders.
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Nice new jokes. They are great.