Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: -ammo- on November 22, 2000, 09:25:00 PM
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here is mine for starters (http://bbs.hitechcreations.com/smf/Smileys/default/smile.gif)
A Marine Captain sends his clothing out to the Chinese laundry.
When it comes back there are still stains in his shorts.
Then next week he encloses a note to the Chinaman that says,
"Use more soap on shorts."
This goes on for several weeks, the Captain sending the same
note to the laundry.
Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said,
Use more paper on ass."
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Albert Arnold Gore Jr.
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Well, how about me hijacking this thread and naming it "post your best climbout joke"?
Knights know I am a chatty person. Persons from Rookmania and Biscoonia probably too.
Also widely known is my ability to produce incredibly lame and bad jokes.
So, here's one from yesterday:
Why do witches love Microsoft Office?
It has a spell checker
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
I need to get laid.
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StSanta
9./JG 54 "Grünherz"
while(!bishRookQueue.isEmpty() && loggedOn()){
30mmDeathDIEDIEDIE(bishRookQueue.removeFront());
System.out.println("LW pilots are superior");
myPlane.performVictoryRoll();
}
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My favorite bumber stickers of all time:
"Hows my driving? Dial 1-800 EAT SH*T."
(almost crashed my car first time I saw that, I was laughing so hard)
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm schizophrenic,
And so am I."
(http://bbs.hitechcreations.com/smf/Smileys/default/smile.gif)
Gunthr
332nd Flying Mongrels (http://http://)
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Chefs protesting in France through eggs at police. Police retaliated by putting ketchup on the eggs .
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Ketchup on Eggs!!! Owwwwww grose..
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AH : Maniac
WB : -nr-1-
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Right after the Civil War a young man graduates Summa Cum Laude from Harvard Law and is Valedictorian of his class. After the graduation ceremony his law professor asks him to come to the office for a discussion.
The Professor asks the young man if he'd like to work at a pretigious Philadelphia or New York law firm or perhaps clerk for the US Supreme Court.
The new lawyer replies that he is going West, to bring law and order to the frontier.
The Professor tries to talk him out of it. He points out that the young man has one of the finest legal minds in the nation. He points out that the West has no other lawyers. He tells the young man he will STARVE "out West". He asks him to reconsider.
The new lawyer stands fast, repeating his intention to bring "law and order to the West".
The Professor bids him adieu and asks the youngster to write often and let him know how it works out.
The Professoer hears nothing from the young man for one year. Then a short note arrives.
"Dear Professor, you were absolutely correct. I've tried to bring law and order to the West but I'm the only lawyer out here and I'm starving. Please send another lawyer."
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An old man is visiting Tokyo on business. One night, he's feeling a little lonely, so he decides to buy the services of a lady of the night.
He invites her to his hotel room and they get down to it. Suddenly she shouts, "Keniyaki!!! Keniyaki!!!", and taking this as an exclamation of joy he continues unabated. As she gets dressed he notices she seems to be a little pissed off, but puts it down to him not giving her a tip.
The next night he's playing pool in the hotel bar with a Japanese colleague; he's about to pot black and carefully lines up his shot. The ball rolls cleanly into the pocket, and, thinking he can impress his friend by speaking some Japanese, he shouts:
"Keniyaki!!! Keniyaki!!!"
His Japanese friend gives him a blank look and hesitantly says,
"What do you mean 'Wrong hole'"?
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For you parents of daughters and those with sons about to date those daughters..... (http://bbs.hitechcreations.com/smf/Smileys/default/smile.gif)
Subject: Rules for Dating A Daughter
Rules For Dating My Daughter
I was recently asked about the rules I imposed on boys dating my
daughter when she was young and innocent. Being the reasonable
person I am, I set forth my rules on a sheet of paper and gave them
to each little perverted bastard who came to the door. Here they are:
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may
glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her
neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's
body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and
all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair
and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your
pants ten sizes too big and I will not object. However, in order
to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the
course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail
gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex
without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.
Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I
will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to
know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other
issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I
require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my
daughter safely back at my house; and the only word I need from
you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six : I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as
it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out
with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her
until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make
you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my
daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and
fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be
dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can
take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date
with my daughter: places where there are beds, sofas, or anything
softer than a wooden stool; places where there are no parents,
policemen, or nuns within eyesight; places where there is
darkness; places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness; places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or
anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -
zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual
theme are to be avoided.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied,
balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating
to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your
universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have
one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but
the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and the knowledge of how to
dispose of you. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. As soon as you pull into the
driveway wwhen bringing my daughter home, you should exit your car
with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password ---
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home
safely and early --- then return to your car. There is no need for
you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window will be
mine.
Mav
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Subject: Hi Ho Silver
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by a enemy Indian war party. The Indian
Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival,
you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is
brought before the Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger whispers in Silver's ear and the horse
gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian
Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next
morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse,
but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again
whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears
over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone
Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of
many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request. The Lone
Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he
agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone
Ranger grabs Silver by one ear, grabs him by the other, looks him square in the eye and
says, "Listen VERY carefully, for the last time, I need a posse! A POSSE!!!!!!
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Favorite Bathroom graffiti:
Please don't throw cigarette butts in the toilet. It makes them soggy and hard to light. (http://bbs.hitechcreations.com/smf/Smileys/default/biggrin.gif)
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LJK_Raubvogel
LuftJägerKorps (http://www.luftjagerkorps.com)
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Maverick - You really follow those rules? Firm but Fair (http://bbs.hitechcreations.com/smf/Smileys/default/smile.gif) I've thought about how I will treat my kids when the time comes (a long way off yet, I hope). Perhaps I'll remember your rules if I have a daughter. (http://bbs.hitechcreations.com/smf/Smileys/default/smile.gif)
I remember when I was sixteen and I went out with my first serious girlfriend. Her dad was a shrecking trog. Far worse than what you described.
The one chink in his Victorian armour was he would let her come round to my house on a saturday night. It was a good job my parents were fairly liberal. (http://bbs.hitechcreations.com/smf/Smileys/default/biggrin.gif)
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Dowding,
Those aren't my rules. They were sent to me by some friends that trade funnies with me. I have some friends with daughters and they loved them. I was the one the girls mom warned them about. The quiet kinda shy studious guy that could charm parents then run around with their not so "sweet" little girl! <evil grin>
I just thought the "rules" were cute. (http://bbs.hitechcreations.com/smf/Smileys/default/biggrin.gif)
Mav
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Mav
Excellent !!!! - I am now tidying those rules up and printing them to hand out to my daughter's soon to appear boyfreinds. (http://bbs.hitechcreations.com/smf/Smileys/default/biggrin.gif)
Sparks
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"Keniyaki!!! Keniyaki!!!"
hehehehehe (http://bbs.hitechcreations.com/smf/Smileys/default/wink.gif)
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How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two:
One to hold the giraffe,
One to put brightly colored machine tools in the bath tub.
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Milo
3./JG2
"Horrido"
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How many femenists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to screw it in then hurry the shreck up and make me a gawdamn sandwhich!
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Friend did send this (http://www.kolumbus.fi/staga/Pics/MCDONALDS.jpg) one today.
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A man goes to Hell. The devil says, "Hello, and welcome to Hell, hey do you like to drink?"
Man says, "Yes, I love to."
Devil says, "Great that's what we do every monday." "Hey do you like to smoke?"
Man says, "Yes."
Devil says, "Great thats Tuesday." "Do you like to gamble?"
Man says, "Yes, thats the reason why I'm down here."
Devil says, "Good that's what we do every Wednesday." "By any chance are you gay?"
Man replies, "No."
Devil says, "Well then you're going to hate Thursdays then." (http://bbs.hitechcreations.com/smf/Smileys/default/biggrin.gif)
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Two guys are sitting in a bar that happens to be on top of a 30 story building. One guy turns to the other guy and says, "Hey, you know I heard that if you slam a beer, then jump out that window, you'll fall to about the 11th floor and the wind will push you back in." Other guy says, "I don't believe you." So the other man orders a beer, slams it down, and jumps out the window. The other guy sitting at the bar can't believe this just happened so he runs to the window and watches the fool die. 30,29,.......,13,12,11, and suddenly, whoosh hes swept back into the building, and he rides the elevator back up. The guy sitting in the bar can't believe his eyes, so he says to the jumper, "I want to see you do that again, I still can't believe it." Jumper goes to the bar, orders a beer, slams it down, and jumps out the window again. 25,24,23,........,13,12,11 and WHOOSH, he's back into the building and takes the elevator up. The guy sitting in the bar thinks, "Hey I can do this." So he goes to the bar, orders a beer, slams it, and jumps out the window. 30,29,.........,13,12,11,........,3,2,1 and SPLAT!! he hits the ground. The elevator opens and the jumper walks in and the bartender says, "You know Superman, you're an amazinhunk when your drunk." (http://bbs.hitechcreations.com/smf/Smileys/default/biggrin.gif)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, damn that one still cracks me up.
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Meine schwester hat keine kartoffel salat? Du bist eine lustige bube!!
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A woman comes home to find her husband in bed with another woman. In a fit of rage she grabs her hubby by the noodle, drags him down stairs to the garrage and clamps his thing in a vice and breaks the handle off. Upon seeing is wife walking toward him, rage filled and carrying a hacksaw, the man cries "OH NO, YOUR NOT GOING TO CUT IT OFF ARE YOU?!!!! The woman reply's "why no, you are, im going to set the garage on fire"
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What do you tell a girl with 2 black eyes?
NOTHING! you already told her twice.
NUTTZ
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A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. As he is enjoying his drink, a beautiful woman walks in, and she sits down at the bar. After looking at her for a few minutes, the guy says to himself, "I gotta go and ask her something."
He sits next to her and says, "Can I smell your crotch?"
She is obviously disgusted by the question and tells him no. He asks her forgiveness and says, "Please, let me buy you a drink and make it up to you. I am sorry." HE gets her a drink and they start to talk.
About 30-40 minutes go by and he says to himself, "Man, I gotta ask her again."
He says, "Can I smell your crotch?"
She gets agitated and replies, "NO!"
He begs her forgiveness, buys her another drink and they begin to talk again.
Another 30-40 minutes go by and the guy says to himself, "I have to ask her one last time..."
So he says, "Are you sure I can't smell your crotch?"
She says, "No, you can't smell my crotch!!!"
He says, "Oh, then it must be your feet."
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Last year a friend of mine upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications.
He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the
documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity.
He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, PubNight 7.0 and Excuses 5.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even thought they always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherinLaw Beta release.
Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0.:
1. A "Don't remind me again" button
2. Minimize button
3. An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources.
4. An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the system hardware feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0.
You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of.
Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the 1/0 port.
You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
********** Bug Warning **********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.
Then Mistress 1. 1. will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
********** Bug Work-Arounds **********
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0.
Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.1 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.
********** Upgrade Version **********
Although advertised as being Plug'n'Play, installing the Upgrade version of Wife 1.0 results in several of the better features of Girlfriend 1.0 refusing to continue working.
The supposed compatibility with Fast-Car 3.6 & Ski-Holiday 6.2 is also flawed, and launching these applications results in strange noises and error messages.
Wife 1.0 also appears to be totally incompatible with all previous versions
of BESTMATE, and some users have reported that continued use of BESTMATE can lead to unwanted sharing of resources and I/0 ports unless the System Agent is installed as a background task.
********** Summary **********
It appears that Girlfriend 1.0 is still one of the best products on the market, especially just after installation. Though not as much fun as CASUALSHAG 63.8 for the power user, it remains relatively reliable and easy on system resources.
The time-out feature of Girlfriend is the major problem, and in severe cases can force the user to upgrade to Wife 1.0 with dire consequences on system health.
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snafus Homepage (http://www.snafu.theantcolony.com)
(http://www.snafu.theantcolony.com/Images/goondrops.gif)
[This message has been edited by snafu (edited 11-24-2000).]
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It's about 2 guys in the Goulag after the meal :
The optimist : "We are about eat toejam !"
The pessimist : "they won't be enough for all of us..."