Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Jackal1 on September 19, 2005, 01:47:04 PM
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Well it`s time to get a little problem out in the open before you, yourself are caught off guard in time of emergency.
This subject is rarely, if ever discussed unless it is in secluded areas with someone you are absolutely sure you can trust. Even then, it is discussed in hushed, quiet, near conspiracy tones. It has or will effect all of us at one time or another and I think we should be prepared for the event.
OK, here`s the scenario.
It`s early morning and you have gotten up to have a little quiet and relaxing time to yourself. You make a pot of Joe, grab a cup, fire up Ole Sniff And Snort to cruise the BBS. Somewhere, usualy around the second cup, you get the feeling and know the time is near. You start feeling the laxative effects of coffee. You are pretty sure you can hold off till you get that "one more reply" in that just has to be done.
By this time warning bells are going off. Sirens are wailing in your head and you make THE DASH.
Here is where the big problem starts. You discover that.... Charmin has left the building. You realize in a flash what the one item was you forgot on the list at your last trip to the store.
What do you do? Are you prepared for such an emergency?
This has been an ongoing problem ever since Sears And Roebuck quit publishing there dictionary size catalog.
Newspaper you say? Yea, but then you have to deal with the ink residue if it`s a black and white page. Using the color section of the funnies just don`t seem right. It just don`t sit well doing such a thing to Snoopy, Garfield and the gang, does it?
So let`s here some ideas. This problem needs solving. It needs solving NOW!
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Originally posted by Jackal1
It just don`t sit well doing such a thing to Snoopy, Garfield and the gang, does it?
:rofl :rofl :rofl
Well it would wipe the smug look right off Prince Valients mug.
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the shower sits right next to the cammode.
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I move over to the bidet, turn fawset and about 30 seconds later I'm good to go.:D
.....and everyone commented on what a silly idea a bidet was when I posted pics of my bathroom.:p
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You'd think some enterprising Yank would invent the toilet/bidet. Why have two porcelain ponies? A combo would be the best of both worlds.
Of course, the Yank models would have 300 HP and use 50 gallons per minute ... but hey....
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Originally posted by Hangtime
the shower sits right next to the cammode.
Yes it does and is usualy the final solution.
I`m looking for prevention/interdiction ideas here. :)
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Originally posted by Toad
You'd think some enterprising Yank would invent the toilet/bidet. Why have two porcelain ponies? A combo would be the best of both worlds.
Of course, the Yank models would have 300 HP and use 50 gallons per minute ... but hey....
The already have. Very gadgety. (http://www.cleanbutt.com/Index.htm) Only $550, it's a seat conversion actually. Heated seat, "posterior" wash, femine wash, deoderizer, warm air dryer, & automatic closing lid.
The R model, for $100 more, features a urine spray guard, self cleaning, adjustable, osscilating, massaging nozzles, an enema wash, and of course.. you geussed it.. a remote control.
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Originally posted by Hangtime
the shower sits right next to the cammode.
LOL you beat me to it!
Here's one worse, I remember once when I was a kid.... I was walking home from school and I thought I was just farting but........
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Sweeeeeet. A deoderizer!!! That is just sheer genius......unless it just deoderizes the bidet of course.
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Originally posted by Jackal1
Here is where the big problem starts. You discover that.... Charmin has left the building.
Are you wearing socks?
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Cuval, I think it's just for "fumes".
[qutoe]Automatically starts operating when you sit down and stops approximately 1 minute after you stand up. The Silver impregnated charcoal filter will last up to 7 years.
[/quote]
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I thought this thread was going to be about keeping a rubber in your wallet. :D
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Originally posted by Xargos
I thought this thread was going to be about keeping a rubber in your wallet. :D
Hmmm... that might not work to good
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Any item of clothing you have on/near, or any pets nearby that made the mistake of falling asleep.......
:)
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That's what empty milk jugs are for, boy. Always keep a pair near the pc. One for number one, and the second, with top cut out, for number two. Save your left over corncobs for the cleaning up.
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Originally posted by Shuckins
That's what empty milk jugs are for, boy. Always keep a pair near the pc. One for number one, and the second, with top cut out, for number two. Save your left over corncobs for the cleaning up.
Great, thanks for that image...after picking fresh sweet corn out of the garden today, I am changing the menu for tonights meal to that of fresh sweet peas out of the garden. :furious
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You know they don't serve corn-on-the-cob at a female prison. :D
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Originally posted by Xargos
You know they don't serve corn-on-the-cob at a female prison. :D
And you'll never find a female at a prison willing to cut up cucumbers for a salad...:rolleyes:
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Don't serve cucumbers in this State either. There is no handles on the brooms or mops...lol
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Originally posted by Shuckins
Save your left over corncobs for the cleaning up.
Ahhhh the good ole days. The corn crib was always there and always stocked. :)
For the "socks" question: Yea, I`m wearing socks. They are Monday`s socks. If I used them I would be totaly out of sequence all week. :)
For the bidet suggestions: The way I always understood a bidet`s use it was for females.................and of course the Brits. :)
OK, you use the bidet. Then what? Does it have a spin dry cycle on it? What I thought. Now you have reached the "Charmin has left the building stage". Back to square one.
As has been suggested here, some of the newer ones may have a hot air blower system on them. Not for me. If I want hot air blown up my posterior I have the O`club for that.
:aok
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at my house we have a bidet adjacent to the toilet.
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Well I still use the newspaper as backup. And I might add, I have the most well informed prettythang in town.
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Originally posted by Toad
Cuval, I think it's just for "fumes".
[qutoe]Automatically starts operating when you sit down and stops approximately 1 minute after you stand up. The Silver impregnated charcoal filter will last up to 7 years.
[/B][/QUOTE]
Ahhh...well that's too bad.
Still:
An extra c-note gets the enema wash feature. Gotta love that action.
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Originally posted by airbumba
Well I still use the newspaper as backup. And I might add, I have the most well informed prettythang in town.
rofl
I knew someone would step up to the plate.
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paper towel is usually readily available...
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Option 1. Grab a washcloth and use it, and carefully hide it deep in the back of the lavatory, in behind the feminine pads.
Option 2. Use yer fingers. The sink is right there!
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Jackal. There's no solution in your case. You'll always be full of crap. :rofl
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It stems from years of driving those 50`s model, 5-6 mpg gas guzzlers that you were speaking of earlier Beet. :)
Since you constantly talk the same, I`m sure you are well versed on the subject.
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Heard this one from my son:
(Song started out something about "stranded, stranded on the toilet bowl.....)
"To prove you're a man, you gotta wipe with your hand!"
He says that he's actually "proved he's a man"......:huh
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Originally posted by Toad
Of course, the Yank models would have 300 HP and use 50 gallons per minute ... but hey....
does an enema clean your colon?
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I deconstruct my wife's pads or tampons.
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Originally posted by Sixpence
does an enema clean your colon?
Well, it's supposed to. Your head is stuck again, isn't it? Might as well give it a try.
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Originally posted by Sixpence
does an enema clean your colon?
Supposed to. They also use it to flood you with radioactive marker tags for an MRI. Did that to me when I had appendicitus. I remember hearing, "This will probably be uncomfortable, it's going against the grain." :eek:
Now you've got what feels like a gallon of stuff flooding into you backwards. On to step 2! Clench your cheeks together as hard as you can. Gravity is not your friend. Not having fun yet? Time for the injection! At this point you'll be laying there on a little plastic table, with your arm on fire from the massive automated syringe they use, faintly tasting cinnamon in the back of your mouth, with a major, major case of diarhea. Now! step 3! Hold it for 10 minutes and carefully follow the instructions coming in over the intercom, so you don't have to repeat the entire process. The fear of a repeat performance will make you perform flawlessly. The radiologist is in another room so it's not convenient to choke him to death at this point.
Eventually, when they get around to it, they'll come back in and disconnect the IV and pronounce you ready to releave yourself. Prepare for the most awkward, butt-clenched, spin-bounce-shouder charge the radiologist since he's in the way-frantic scramble for the bathroom you've ever had.
That's been my 1 and only experience with an enema. I don't want another.
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ROFLMAO
Hilarious, but true. :D
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Open your wallet and start with the lowest denominations first...
May as well wipe yer bellybutton with it before the tax man takes it.
:aok
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Originally posted by AWMac
Open your wallet and start with the lowest denominations first...
May as well wipe yer bellybutton with it before the tax man takes it.
:aok
Good point and the value of the dollar and Charmin are pretty similar. :)
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Originally posted by Xargos
I thought this thread was going to be about keeping a rubber in your wallet. :D
me too