Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Seraphim on October 17, 2005, 12:53:56 PM
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I recently moved in with my girlfriend, she lives with her mother. Now we get along very well, can hang out or have drinks and what not, but her smoking is killer. at 1st I didnt mind too much (who am I to question it?), but she recently said she would stop, mainly for her health reasons. Needless to say, she hasn't stopped yet, and I don't believe I have the right to step in and make a big deal about it, because it is her house. However, my argument is the obvious stink (everyone thinks I smoke now) and also my gf's daughters clothes, the impression given to her school. She expressed interest in gardening, and I bought several plants, seeds, and growing stuff for them (whatever it's called). I also am interested in helping get more stuff to keep her busy & get her mind off of smoking, but of course, it can't happen into the night.
My question is mainly for smokers/ex-smokers: what would it take to stop? Am I doing right? or not enough?
Thanks in advance
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In the end, it's her call. It's easy for you to be an anti-smoking nazi, but it's also easy for you to be a doormat that gets walked over if you don't do anything. If it really bothers you, tell her frankly. Don't expect to be able to change who she is, it'll be up to her to decide whether or not she respects you enough to start and complete the difficult task of not smoking.
You could try just asking what you can do to support her stated desire to quit smoking. This way you're giving her an opportunity to tell you what you can do without you being bossy. She might say "Thanks! I want you to be a jerk about it if you see me smoking" (seriously) or she might say "Butt out, this is my deal". Either way, you'll get further than just sitting there waiting for her to pick up your thoughtwaves. Just don't nag unless asked to.
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That's the main reason I started buying the gardening stuff, it was her idea to get back into gardening to help stop smoking. She has told me that she is glad I'm around, because of my respect for her. I'm only asking if there are any other avenues I could seek to help her stop.
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no one will ever quit unless they really want to in their heart. not just "it's not good for me i should quit" or any other reason,.
i smoke, think about quitting every now and then, for the same "health" reasons... but like everyone else i know, i probably wont quit unless i truly "want" to.
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you want to tell someone to quit smoking in their own home?????
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my mom was a smoker and she quit, i hate smoking so here is my advice.
when she isn't looking take her ciggarettes and flush them or throw them away, if she asks act innocent and say you don't know. give her lots of gum.
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Well the obvious answer would be for you to move into your own house instead of hers. Then you can dictate the smoking rules.:rofl
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If your problem is the smell, try to convince her to start smoking handmade cigarettes.
There are good brands of tobacco that dont include ammonia or coccoa in the mixture (do some research to why those substance are added), and generally the hand made cigarette tobacco is a lot less smelly of the factorymade cigarettes, for many reasons.
I use mainly the "Drum" brand. a lot of non smokers tell me that it almost dont smell or has a good smell.
And use Rizla papers, thin type.
Quit smoking, is a whole different beast (dont tell her this: ).
It's one of the stronger and harder phisical and mental adductions existing.
It can be said that after quitted, nobody is completely safe.
The worst periods are during the first 2-3 years, when the phisical reactions are still strong, and one may wrongly guess to be out and safe.
Oh, judging to the people that I know that have quitted smoking, the only real way to do it, is to.... well..... DO IT.
Just that.
And stick with the decision made.
(And you can tell her the above part).
:)
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As an ex-smoker I can tell you that the addiction is stronger than any relationship. Given a choice between smoking and you she will pick smoking without hesitation.
Given that information, you have to realize that nothing in the world will make her stop if she doesn't want to. The desire to quit has to be greater than the desire to smoke. It took me over ten years of trying to quit before I was really ready to kick it for good.
It's a real good sign that she says she wants to quit. She will need a lot of support from you without you being bossy or naging her. I've heard that the average smoker quits something like five to ten times before they quit for good, so chances are that she will have failures. It took me about that many times over a decade. Be prepaird for the long haul.
Every smoker is different but in my opinion it's not too much to ask that she smoke outside the house and not in the car. Of course if it's her house you might have some trouble convincing her of the wisdom. I smoked for 14 years and never smoked in the house. The smell gets over everything and even as a smoker I found houses that were smoked in disgusting. Smoking in the same house that a child is living in is totally irresponsible.
The most important thing to remember is that you can not change her, just encourage her gently. She was a smoker when you met her and to her, it's a part of who she is.
I know my wife put up with a lot when I was a smoker and I know it wasn't always easy. Good luck to you. It's worth sticking it out.
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By no means am I trying to 'dictate' the rules. Simply put, I have no objection with her smoking, only inside the house. I mainly brought it up because I don't want to step on her feet about it, and am looking for the best way to bring it up. Living in cali, it's pretty much impossible to support my family and afford our own house. But thanks for the advise guys, sounds good. I'm going to discuss further with my gf and hopefully gain some ground.
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hmmm ... you want her to stop and give her all the tool for growing weed in here garden ?
;)
More seriously as a past (and sometime current) smoker there is not a lot you can do.
Try to have a modus vivendy with her until she stop really, like asking her to smoke only in some parts of the house,like kitchen or garage.
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Is it her house? If yes, your question is moot.
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(http://www.uk.pg.com/images/febrezeAllergenReducer_ILSept2004.jpg)
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1. She (quietly, without any histrionics or drama) left the room every time I lit up. When I finally noticed and asked why, she (quietly, without any histrionics or drama) told me that the smoke bothered her.
2. She never went after me as the problem. It was always the cigarettes at fault, not me.
After a year or so of this, I got to the point that I wanted to quit smoking. But man, it's hard to take the plunge.
So the final kick was this: One November day, I asked her what she wanted for Christmas. She said, "All I want is for you to quit smoking."
I put down the cigarettes that very minute, and haven't smoked since. Quitting was really hard, but I got it done, because I wanted it for me and for her. The lesson?
SHE must want to quit. Not be nagged into it, but WANT to do it.
YOU must show her that it is important to you. Then you must put up with several weeks of withdrawals (it will be like super PMS, without the nice part). Patience is your weapon. Support her when she needs it. Don't try to be clever or sly when you make a negative comment about smoking. If she coughs, occasionally metion that it sounds like it hurts. Be solicitous. SHE will make the connection between the cigarettes and the cough--be sympathetic when she does.
In other words, manipulate her.
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Bah you're young. Find a non-smoker unit. She'll stay fresh longer, too.
God knows I've regreted getting involved with a smoker.
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*ahem*
once again thanks for the advice, rshubert, that is a good example. but I think I must clarify. When I met my girl, she was a smoker. She asked if it bothered me, I said yes, but Im not asking you to quit. She ended up quiting anyways. Her mom is a different story. She's been smoking most of her life, & I'm not certain she could even if she wanted too. My problem isn't with her smoking, only with the smoke being inside the house. Yes, it is her house, but her daughter & I pay our rent, groceries, cook & clean & such. We have no arguments about it. I only want to come to a solution in a respectful manner.
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If the smoking bothers you now that she has perky tits and a sexy bum cuddling next to you in heat, think how much it bothers you when she's all saggy and nagging to you about empty beer cans in the kitchen. :huh
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If you pay rent I think you could ask her to refrain from smoking in certain areas of the house.. like the kids room or your room.
Always take the kid out of the room when she smokes. Period. This should send a clear message.
Then move out to your own place.
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Judging from Sandman's post, you should spray her with a fresh scented fluid every time she smokes.
Seriously though, my dad and my grandma smoke, disgusting habit, give her a cup of chewing tobacco. Just as messier yet doesn't make you stink. Might make you feel the urge to visit the porcelin god a few times.
Otherwise, she can garden during the days, then at night she can make quilts or whatnot. Not sure how many family members you have but it seems to keep them occupied for a little while anyway. OH! Jelly Belly jelly beans. Good enough for a president, good enough for her:aok
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Simple....move. It`s her house. Otherwise forget it.
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Originally posted by midnight Target
If you pay rent I think you could ask her to refrain from smoking in certain areas of the house.. like the kids room or your room.
Always take the kid out of the room when she smokes. Period. This should send a clear message.
Then move out to your own place.
If you pay the rent.................... Pay the rent somewhere else. How about a place of your own where she doesnt live or smoke. Rent or not it's her house, and her habit, and you knew she smoked when you moved in. Is this really something you can't figure out for yourself , and you have to go to a BBS for answers???:confused:
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She is addicted to a drug. You have no power over her addiction. It rules her.
Maybe you can get her to not smoke in the house or only in her room with window fans sucking her smoke out.
Addicts have no concern over how they affect others.
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Don't plan on being happy or secure when your welfare depends on consistent behavior from an addict of any type. I suggest getting your own place to live.
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First off, I'm a smoker. I really think if you asked her to limit her smoking to her room and outside that would be a positive first step. (It's something most smokers can deal with.) After that it's up to her (as far as quitting is concerned). Don't push too hard as you will likely just alienate her. She has indicated a willingness to quit, right? Do some research on some of the methods and show her what you find. Remember, be supportive, not pushy, and you may just be able to help her.
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Originally posted by eagl
Don't plan on being happy or secure when your welfare depends on consistent behavior from an addict of any type. I suggest getting your own place to live.
That's just ignorant.
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If smoking is a dealbreaker for you, hit the road.
She has the right to smoke if she wants to. It is unfair of you to try to make her quit just because you don't. Using excuses like "It makes me ill", "I'm allergic" or my personal passive aggressive favorite "It's for your health" are just cop out's used by control freaks.
If a smoker wants to stop, they will quit on their own. Forcing your opinions on smokers doesn't help, it alienates them. How would you like it if someone tried to force you to start smoking?
Either learn how to deal with it or find another girl. If you break up over smoking, there wasn't much there to begin with.
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before she gets to sleep, ask her to listen while you read a book,
book is called "Allen Carr's Easyway™ to Stop Smoking".
Read just one chapter each night, this maybe can help, at least
it helped my Gf to get finaly rid of cigarettes. She is now clean
for 1 year.
Btw. the Book helped me too, i'm clean for 5 years ! :)
Good luck Seraphim!
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Originally posted by rshubert
1. She (quietly, without any histrionics or drama) left the room every time I lit up. When I finally noticed and asked why, she (quietly, without any histrionics or drama) told me that the smoke bothered her.
2. She never went after me as the problem. It was always the cigarettes at fault, not me.
Now that's a great story!
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Take up smoking yourself [ don't inhale ] and start bumming cigarettes off her.
{ yes this ranks high on the stOOpid response scale }
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Find a new GF, and one with a hot mom too boot.
Or send her this way :P
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Originally posted by megadud
when she isn't looking take her ciggarettes and flush them or throw them away, if she asks act innocent and say you don't know. give her lots of gum.
Ah, the old "Steal and then destroy the property from the benefactor that is letting you live in their home and then lie to them" ploy. Cunning...but totally immoral.
Don't want to put up with it, exercise your freedom to leave.
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Quite honestly,
I'd have to say that you should deal with it. I don't think she will stop, even though she said that. Also, and as an ex-smoker I know this... the smell doesn't bother them! Really! Ok, I'm not talking about no shower in four days trailer park cigar/cigarette smell, but the the odor of tobacco is not unpleasant to a smoker.
Quitting smoking (for me) was quite an experience. Even today, I still dabble with smoking a Peterson pipe (usually during stressfull times) and worry about getting 'sucked back in' to that addiction! I remember dreaming about smoking five years after I quit and waking up distressed about starting again!
There is a reason the saying exists 'you can't teach an old dog new tricks'. Old dogs can learn new tricks, but only if they want to.
Regards,
Malta
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majic,
Denial and justification for bad actions are clear signs of addiction. Go ahead and justify it anyway you like, but you're an addict and that makes you unreliable. Who can possibly really rely on you in a crisis if you're liable to have a nicotine withdrawl fit, fly into an unreasonable rage, or start shaking just because you haven't had your hit?
You're in denial, like all addicts. Grow up and take responsibility for your actions.
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Well,
I have been smoking most of my life. I have quit many many times and start right back up again. If you start pushing the no smoking thing even if it is the right thing to do, you should start looking for a new girl now. If you piss mom off, girl friend will take her mothers side.
Your girl friend taking her mothers side has nothing to do with smoking. Girls, women or what ever you call them, are just evil. THEY strive to control you. She might quit, but it will be part of a bigger plan to get you on the hook. You will know it is to late when you hear this. "He is such a caring person, he even helped me quit smoking".
In my state there is no death penalty. I have been married for 26 years. If I had run her over with the car instead of marring her, I’d be on parole now.
Phaser11<--Lifetime member of the "He-man womens haters club".
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Originally posted by eagl
majic,
Denial and justification for bad actions are clear signs of addiction. Go ahead and justify it anyway you like, but you're an addict and that makes you unreliable. Who can possibly really rely on you in a crisis if you're liable to have a nicotine withdrawl fit, fly into an unreasonable rage, or start shaking just because you haven't had your hit?
You're in denial, like all addicts. Grow up and take responsibility for your actions.
Painting with an awfully wide brush there, huh? I don't deny I'm adddicted to nicotine. I routinely work long shifts without smoking. I don't go into rages. Just because someone (or more than one person) you know had these flaws does not mean every smoker does.
Heck, your description of an unreliable person who's likely to fly off the handle and could never handle a crisis reminded me of a guy who used to work for me. Oddly enough, he wasn't a smoker, or a drug user. He was just that way.
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Originally posted by eagl
Don't plan on being happy or secure when your welfare depends on consistent behavior from an addict of any type. I suggest getting your own place to live.
I suppose we should all live in shells too? Nut up.
Karaya
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Originally posted by ahgod69
Find a new GF, and one with a hot mom too boot.
Or send her this way :P
ROTFLMMFAO!!!!
Karaya
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Originally posted by rpm
If smoking is a dealbreaker for you, hit the road.
She has the right to smoke if she wants to. It is unfair of you to try to make her quit just because you don't. Using excuses like "It makes me ill", "I'm allergic" or my personal passive aggressive favorite "It's for your health" are just cop out's used by control freaks.
If a smoker wants to stop, they will quit on their own. Forcing your opinions on smokers doesn't help, it alienates them. How would you like it if someone tried to force you to start smoking?
Either learn how to deal with it or find another girl. If you break up over smoking, there wasn't much there to begin with.
rpm did you read the original post? Funny how easy it is to 'just move out'. living in california and supporting a family makes it pretty much impossible nowadays. Rent for a 1 bed apt is at least $800 (and thats in a slum).
Funny how a post takes quick left turns :lol
Seriously, we are taking steps to help this thing. No, Im not asking her to quit. Hopefully mostly to keep it outside. The health excuse may seem like a cop out, but her doctor strongly suggested she quit, and I believe she does want to. I think we are on the right path.
Edit:maybe I wasn't totally clear. It's her mom that's the smoker. My girl quit on her own some time ago.
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Heh, a lot of twitchy responses from the smokers in here. Been a while since your last fix? Or does the truth about your life hurt that much?
There are plenty of honest smokers who acknowledge their addiction and what it's done to them... They're the ones who aren't trying to justify their addictive behaviors or say that if their drug was withheld, they could be just as reliable as someone who isn't addicted "if they had to". Yea right. Both of my parents smoked and I work with a number of smokers. And every one of them is a slave to the nicotine and turns into a raving lunatic when it's withheld. Some can go hours without a hit, some start twitching and acting irrational in under an hour. For some, the mere thought that they MIGHT not be able to get their fix is enough to cause them to drop everything and start a frantic search for a smoke.
I rely on them of course... I rely on them to act just like that if I ever had to count on them for anything.
Broad brush? Yea. 99%. I think in my entire life I've met ONE smoker / dipper who actually wasn't addicted. One out of thousands.
Karaya, what's got yer panties in a bunch? Suggesting that if a guy wants any respect, he needs to get a place to stay other than his girlfriend's Mom's house is such a bad idea? Live on the dole, die on the dole. My brother moved from CA to AZ so he didn't have to live with family. At least he respects himself enough to make the tough decision instead of griping about his host's addiction.
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Originally posted by rshubert
She (quietly, without any histrionics or drama) left the room every time I lit up.
Wait a minute, is that common?
Hmmm, yellow fingernails, constant cough, loss of endurance, dying of cancer .... or ... a way to get the wife to leave me alone ....
I gotta think about this.
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Originally posted by Seraphim
Edit:maybe I wasn't totally clear. It's her mom that's the smoker. My girl quit on her own some time ago.
AAAAAAAAAAAARRGHHH!
I think I can safely say that pretty much everyone here assumed you said your girlfriend was the smoker. I sure did.
If it's her mom, then you're screwed. Time to start saving for that house/apartment of your own.
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Originally posted by Seraphim
rpm did you read the original post? Funny how easy it is to 'just move out'. living in california and supporting a family makes it pretty much impossible nowadays. Rent for a 1 bed apt is at least $800 (and thats in a slum).
Why youngster always wanna have life which they can't afford right from the start? And what's wrong with 1 bedroom apt for a startup young couple?
Originally posted by Seraphim
Funny how a post takes quick left turns :lol
Left or right turns, telling others what they should do in their OWN house is WRONG, unless they do something really really BAD and ILEGAL
Originally posted by Seraphim
Seriously, we are taking steps to help this thing. No, Im not asking her to quit. Hopefully mostly to keep it outside. The health excuse may seem like a cop out, but her doctor strongly suggested she quit, and I believe she does want to. I think we are on the right path.
You stated your main reason as:
Originally posted by Seraphim
However, my argument is the obvious stink (everyone thinks I smoke now) and also my gf's daughters clothes, the impression given to her school.
That is the real turn.
Honestly, if your gf and you can't afford to live on your own, then you shouldn't try yet, or move somewhere where you can. This country is BIG.
Smoking is not really an issue in this case but convenience
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Originally posted by 2bighorn
Why youngster always wanna have life which they can't afford right from the start? And what's wrong with 1 bedroom apt for a startup young couple?
Left or right turns, telling others what they should do in their OWN house is WRONG, unless they do something really really BAD and ILEGAL
You stated your main reason as:
That is the real turn.
Honestly, if your gf and you can't afford to live on your own, then you shouldn't try yet, or move somewhere where you can. This country is BIG.
Smoking is not really an issue in this case but convenience
sorry 2bighorn, but i think your a little mislead. first of all, both of us were born and raised here, which means most of our family is here. second, it may seem easy to you, but moving, finding a new job, and finding new work is far more complicated than resolving a smoking issue. We are adults, and are dealing with it like adults. Not running away from the first little problem that comes up. We and her mother are already working throught this, and I am NOT telling her what to do. There is no animosity between any of us, and even if we could move, it would be abondoning her mother to a house she cant afford alone. I wonder so many people just jump up and have to say "well just leave". We are a family, problems that come up are resolved as a family. Not left alone and run away from.
I went to this BBS because ive seen many flyers here offer great advice, Im curious why when it comes to smoking (or any other habit for that matter) the solution is to run away. Excuse me, but I like to solve problems, not run away from them.
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I guess I'll ask the obvious: Why did you move into your girlfriend's Mom's house?
Her house, her rules. Asides some clever chants or voodoo, you're stuck.
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Because we decided it would be best for all of us right now. My gf doesnt work, neither does her mom. We talked very much about it, and this was the best choice.
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Here's what you do:
Next time she lights one up you go up to her and with your index finger and thumb grab her ear. Then twist it really hard. She will go "Owww" and sort of lean over.
Then, with her ear firmly in your grasp, pull her towards the door. Ignore all of the "Stop it, that hurts" mumbo jumbo until you get to the door (front or back, makes no difference). Open the door and then guide her outside.
Then, just before you let go of her ear give her a swift kick in the backside. This will add a sort of "exclamation point" to your actions but will also get her away from the door allowing you to slam it closed. Just before the door slams yell at her:
"Take that filthy habit of yours outside!"
Ignore her pounding on the door for about 3 to 4 minutes...about as long as it takes for her to finnish the cigarette.
That's it....problem solved.
(But you will probably have two additional problems, one...finding a new place to live, and two...finding a new girlfriend.)
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:lol :rofl
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Originally posted by eagl
My brother moved from CA to AZ so he didn't have to live with family. At least he respects himself enough to make the tough decision instead of griping about his host's addiction.
hmmm... that's an idea... maybe you could subtly hint that you will need to move out of state to afford a place to live and support the family because you can't stand having your daughter and you live in a house where smoking is constantly going on. Maybe you float this by the GF in a subtle way and then let her work on her mom. Mom isn't gonna like having the grandchild so far away.... hopefully.
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I must have misread that. I thought it was the girlfriend, not her mom. But I just noticed this little nugget:
However, my argument is the obvious stink (everyone thinks I smoke now) and also my gf's daughters clothes, the impression given to her school.
You are living with a single Mom who is living with her mother?!? Before you go whining about what the Mom who pays the bills and provides you a shelter does, you need to listen to Tom Leykis. Better yet, you should call in and speak to The Professor himself.
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Originally posted by rpm
I must have misread that. I thought it was the girlfriend, not her mom. But I just noticed this little nugget:
You are living with a single Mom who is living with her mother?!? Before you go whining about what the Mom who pays the bills and provides you a shelter does, you need to listen to Tom Leykis. Better yet, you should call in and speak to The Professor himself.
I got the impression that the GF AND the mom doesn't work and that HE is paying the bills.
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Originally posted by eagl
Heh, a lot of twitchy responses from the smokers in here. Been a while since your last fix? Or does the truth about your life hurt that much?
There are plenty of honest smokers who acknowledge their addiction and what it's done to them... They're the ones who aren't trying to justify their addictive behaviors or say that if their drug was withheld, they could be just as reliable as someone who isn't addicted "if they had to". Yea right. Both of my parents smoked and I work with a number of smokers. And every one of them is a slave to the nicotine and turns into a raving lunatic when it's withheld. Some can go hours without a hit, some start twitching and acting irrational in under an hour. For some, the mere thought that they MIGHT not be able to get their fix is enough to cause them to drop everything and start a frantic search for a smoke.
I rely on them of course... I rely on them to act just like that if I ever had to count on them for anything.
Broad brush? Yea. 99%. I think in my entire life I've met ONE smoker / dipper who actually wasn't addicted. One out of thousands.
Karaya, what's got yer panties in a bunch? Suggesting that if a guy wants any respect, he needs to get a place to stay other than his girlfriend's Mom's house is such a bad idea? Live on the dole, die on the dole. My brother moved from CA to AZ so he didn't have to live with family. At least he respects himself enough to make the tough decision instead of griping about his host's addiction.
Eagl's sense of humor takes a bit of getting used to. And since I am on the topic: yes, that gay spiderman avatar is very annoying.
Regards,
Malta
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Here's one that wasn't posted: go to your local home improvement place, buy an air purifier and put it in a room mutually agreed upon to be the smoking room.
Personally I don't see the trouble with smoking outdoors in CA. When I was in college (Gauuuuchooooos), I smoked; but never indoors, not even in my own car. When I quit, I sweated tobacco smell (like a fresh-opened pack) for three days, but that was that. No patches, self-help programs or other wussiness.
IMO the reason people go through such grief quitting is because everyone says it's hellish, not because it is hellish. From sitcoms to news shows and certainly the people selling gum and patches, the expectation of inability is set. We're conditioned to go through nightmares about it. I think that's worse than the chemical itself.