Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Saintaw on September 28, 2001, 10:33:00 AM
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This one had me laughing this morning, thought I'd share it :)
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INEXPERIENCED CURRY TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was
visiting
Phoenix, Durban, South Africa
"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry
cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon when
the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (a couple of
local
Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
told
me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted
Here are the scorecards from the Event:
_____________________________ ____________
Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy toejam, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's
the worst one.
_____________________________ _________
Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
rush me
to hospital. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
my
face.
_____________________________ ______________
Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me
more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting toejam-faced from all the
beer.
_____________________________ _______________
Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste
it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid,
was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. woman is starting
to
look HOT, just like this stuff I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?
_____________________________ _______________
Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
Considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had
given me
brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer
directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
_____________________________ ______________
Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric
flames. I toejam myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Savathree -
she must
be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my
bellybutton with a snow cone!
_____________________________ ________________
Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
curry
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't
feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like toejam to
match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4
inch hole
in my stomach.
_____________________________ _______________
Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for
all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild
nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
fell
over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's
going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot
curry?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
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Thanx Saw :) how about some Thai curry? ;)
mauser
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Oh Yea
Recently I was lucky enough to be the 100,000th attendee at the State Fair in Austin, Texas. The prize was to be a judge at the chili cook-off. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I would be provided with all the beer I needed during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event.:
*****Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
******Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
*****Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
*****Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; at 300 lb. she is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
*****Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
*****Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I need to wipe my bellybutton with a snow cone!
******Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like crap to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
*****Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
:cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool:
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WASABI!!!!!!!!
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Ok,..i got tears in my eyes, my stomach is aching, and I didn't even get to taste any of it.
<S> for one of the most amusing things posted to this board in a while. I can't beleive how hard I am laughing.
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Skuzzy, if you ever have the chance to visit England, try a house curry... this will have a whole new meaning, trust me :)
Funny thing is this was sent to me by a friend of mine who IS Indian(from the south... the curry's WORSE!) and got me to discover Gosht & faarsii a few years ago :)
Cheers, Raajib :D
[ 09-28-2001: Message edited by: Saintaw ]
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Oh my GAWD !!!!! :D
I laughed so hard that I think I hurt myself :)
I'm a big Thai and Indian food fan, and I think I've had several dishes that were described.
Hint.... never, EVER walk into a Thai restaurant intoxicated, order dinner, and end with a comment like "Light me UP!!!" :rolleyes:
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LOL! That was great!
A friend of mine once went into a local Indian restaurant and ordered a curry. The waiter nodded and then my friend said. "I don't think you understand. I don't want white man curry. I want a real curry!" The waiter smiled, nod and said, "Then that is what you will get." He brought out the curry with the entire kitchen staff following, all with big grins on their faces. To do him justice, he ate most of it, while downing copious amounts of water. The staff were all laughing at the expressions on his face. He said he never felt so much pain in his life...until the next day. He used the term, "Lava bellybutton Fire!"
[ 09-28-2001: Message edited by: Thrawn ]