Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Shane on December 15, 2005, 08:41:26 AM
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SmartAss Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SmartAss Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."
SmartAss Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SmartAss Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
"Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a
police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck
driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SmartAss Answer #1:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smartass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
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:D
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I lovem all!!!
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that last one was AWESOME!@$#%~@ the teacher got him! {[:.*LMAO*.:]}
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those are older than the skid marks in Shane's undies.
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Readers Digest has had similar stories for many years. One I remember was about 20 years ago......excuses people gave cops for speeding/getting in accidents.
I don't believe them though.......they are just made up, imo.
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heres a true one of mine:
i was in a valu-mart and since there was only a couple hours till closing, only 1 till was open, of course the middle aged woman on the other side of the till is yapping aaway to another customer, i wait patiently for a few minutes then move to where she can see me. of course the inevitable question "you looking for something?"
"yeah, service"
one from work
guy tells a coworker he's a lazy ass, to which he replies
"hey man, i work hard, look you can see the steel toes through the leather"
"thats cause your always dragging your feet"
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True one of mine.
As some may remember I'vve mentioned that 12 or so years ago I had Hodgekins Disease and hadto undergo 6 months of Chemo.
Well if any of you have ever had to endure a serious illness you al know what everyone says to you over,and over and over and over again.
Well intentioned people are forever asking
"How do you feel?"
Well after about the 10 thousandth time of being asked this I developed a stock answer that helped to break the ice
My responce
"Well you see I have these little nerve endings just under my skin"
always got a laugh
More recently and on a less serious note.
I have developed stock answers for things we all get asked all the time
One of my favorites is when walking up to a counter at a store or when a store cleck greets you with
"Can I help you"
My responce
"I dont know. You any good at psychotherapy?"
;)
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Got stopped by the police today on the way back from a meet up with Curval. I'd pulled off the motorway at Oxford and was sedately moving through a contraflow at 30mph when the blue lights came on behind me. Pulled in....
Copper: "We've had a report of a motorcyclist travelling at excessive speed on the M40."
Me: "Well I havn't seen him."
(http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2002-9/48257/20029211530-0-Swoop.gif)
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Originally posted by Swoop
Got stopped by the police today on the way back from a meet up with Curval. I'd pulled off the motorway at Oxford and was sedately moving through a contraflow at 30mph when the blue lights came on behind me. Pulled in....
Copper: "We've had a report of a motorcyclist travelling at excessive speed on the M40."
Me: "Well I havn't seen him."
(http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2002-9/48257/20029211530-0-Swoop.gif)
:lol IN the context of this thread, a nice follow up line to the police would have been "But if you give me one of those pretty blue lights, I"ll be sure to catch up with him and pull him over for you..."
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Wife and I were standing in the "express" line at a Farmer Jack a couple of years ago. The cashier MAY have been scanning 4 items a min., more over, she didn't care and then rolled her head and stared at us with the "I'll go as slow as I want, and I don't care". I said; "You know they shoot horses?". This lawyer standing behind me was rolling of laughter, and dropped his 2-liter. My wife wanted to crawl under the conveyor and get out of sight.
Another one:
In May of 2001, I woke up with pain in my abdomen, I showered and drove 30 mins to my new job Orientation. I had to interupt the Orientation with three trips of nausea. I went home and took a nap. I woke with a pain I wouldn't even wish on anyone.
I wait for the wife to leave work and throw me on her insurance, I get to the Hospital and this Guard has a wheel chair. He said, "have a seat", I said "it hurts less standing, no thanks". "I'm sorry, everyone has to come into here, with a wheelchair." (now getting pissed) "I have a cold".
I finally throw up in the restroom.
Triage nurse calls me. "Sir why are you here today?"
Me: "You're chitting me right?".
Nurse: "I'm serious".
Me: "I believe I have appendicitis".
Nurse: "How do you know?".
Me: "A hunch, I don't know, I don't get paid to do your job."
Nurse: "Well, I mean how do you KNOW you have appendicitis?"
Me: "Look, get me in a f**king room, you going around in circles is not helping my situation any." (a Surgeon walked up to her and said "What is going on here").
Nurse: "Sir take Room 6"
My wife was aghast, on top of being 5 months pregnant. It took me 5 hours to get into Surgery, my Surgeon said "I'm waiting to get a table right now, you will go in next, I promise." He personally wheeled me up to the OR fast.
He told me: "Count back from 100".
Me: "Do the best you can, I'm only 28, my wife is pregnant, I've had a good life."
My old man told me later that the Surgeon came into the Waiting Room and told them that "his appendix was the largest he had ever removed. Another hour, he wouldn't have made it. The average appendix is the size of your pinky, his was the size of my fist."
Sorry if this bores you.
Karaya
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OUCH! Cant even start to think how bad that could of hurt. if it was anything like the hospitals here, you would been waiting in the ER for about 4 hours before finally getting service. Glad they got it out in time