Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: SMIDSY on December 29, 2005, 03:51:44 AM
-
-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
-Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
-Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
-If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
-Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
-Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
-If Chuck Norris was a country, his chief export would be pain.
-To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
-Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
-When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
-A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
-When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
-Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
-As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
-Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
-Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
-A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
-Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
-Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an Indian.
-According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
-Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
-Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
-Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
-The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
-Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
-Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
-Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
-If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.
-
-Rather than being born like a normal child, he punched his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
-There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
-Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
-Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
-When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
-Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
-Chuck Norris likes his coffee like he likes his women: ground up, packed in a burlap sack, and thrown over the back of a donkey.
-Chuck Norris has a beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately, the sound of it would melt the average human brain.
-Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.
-On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.
-There is a rumor that says Chuck Norris was beaten by a pirate once, this rumor was started by Chuck himself to lure in more pirates.
-Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya!"
MORE TO COME!!!
-
Was a time we used to call him Chucky Baby. He tolerated it.
Les
-
My god, is this crap gonna be posted once a week on every server for the rest of eternity!
You're about a month late.
Only Chuck Norris can stop this madness.
-
There's a couple of new ones.
-SW
-
Originally posted by SunKing
Only Chuck Norris can stop this madness.
No, the madness would stop on it's own in fear of Chuck Norris.
-
-Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya!"
Why did that make me laugh out loud... at work... dammit? Try explaining that one to a co-worker!
-
Is that the richard simmons wannabe that does infomercials?
-
Originally posted by midnight Target
Why did that make me laugh out loud... at work... dammit? Try explaining that one to a co-worker!
Hell try explaining why you are laughing out loud at work to your 9 year old son and your boss. Its a good thing this is a super slow day for everything.
-
wtf is with the lame norris jokes......
norris is like, so many decades ago, the guy is 75 years old....or something.
maybe the interReTards meant to attack simmons but missed when they turned left at the moon.
-
Ok, this is probably the kind of thing that would get me roundhouse kicked to death by Chuck, but item 3 should read:
"Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing."
Words can't infer anything....
Sorry, one of my many stupid pedantries.
BTW - this has been posted before.
Originally posted by SMIDSY
-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
-Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
-Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
-If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
-Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
-Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
-If Chuck Norris was a country, his chief export would be pain.
-To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
-Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
-When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
-A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
-When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
-Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
-As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
-Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
-Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
-A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
-Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
-Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an Indian.
-According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
-Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
-Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
-Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
-The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
-Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
-Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
-Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
-If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.
-
Originally posted by Yeager
wtf is with the lame norris jokes......
norris is like, so many decades ago, the guy is 75 years old....or something.
maybe the interReTards meant to attack simmons but missed when they turned left at the moon.
When he turns 100 he'll look like hes around 45 and still be able to roundhouse kick your teeth in. lol
-
-In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
-When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
-Chuck Norris poops light sabers.
-When a tsunami happens, it’s because Chuck Norris has been swimming laps in the ocean.
-Chuck Norris clips his toenails with a chain saw. But he holds it backwards.
-Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris threw it.
-Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet.
-Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
EDIT: just made this one up and it is also posted in the wishlist forums under "farm animals"
-it is one of the biggest cover ups in history, but hitler didnt shoot himself. he was infact tea-bagged to death by the Chuck Norris commando team. it was made up of one man: Chuck Norris. the CNC-1 (Chuck Norris Commando) was developed as a joint venture by the SAS, SOE, OSS, Richard Nixon and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. after seeing what devistation the CNC-1 wreaked on europe, FDR decided to drop the atomic bomb on japan instead of the CNC-1 because it would be more humane. shortly thereafter FDR died of a roundhouse kick related death. but the decision had already been made to drop the bomb and the rest is history.
-
See Rule #6
-
fact: chuck norris 'jokes' have never been funny and people who post them are invariably morons
:aok
-
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/555792_10150943080589856_831487643_n.jpg)
:rofl. Sho wong coobzy
Or thE exception that proves the rule
You decide
-
wtf is with the lame norris jokes......
norris is like, so many decades ago, the guy is 75 years old....or something.
maybe the interReTards meant to attack simmons but missed when they turned left at the moon.
Yeah! Chuck Norris stinks! If he's so bad***, I'd like to see him come up behind me and smash my head into my a;lihb;laia;oiehyoawieh;laisdhnvlakjuhg;laudhf;aidfh ak;aih f
-
fact: chuck norris 'jokes' have never been funny and people who post them are invariably morons
:aok
fact: Chuck Norris and Superman, while hanging around, once traveled in time back to the age of the dinosours.
the found they were standing on the Atlantic coast in what would become modern day Virginia.
Superman looking out into the ocean, said to Chuck "hey i bet i can skip a stone bigger and further than you can!"
Chuck looked at superman and said "ill take that bet.....you go first...."
Superman looks around and sees a large piece of mantle protruding from the ground. he takes a tight two handed grip upon it and while bracing his feet firmly he gives a great and mighty heave..using the moment of the stone as it breaks free of mother earth Superman, giving a huge and mighty roar which deafens all of the creatures within 50 miles of where he is standing, hurtles the stone out into the Atlantic watching as it bounced its way across the top of the water until the spray passed over the earths horizon and out of sight..
with a satisfied huff Superman looks to Chuck and says "try to beat that!"
Chuck, with a hesitation reaches down to his feet and with one hand grips an exposed tree root, with a mild grunt he heaves upon the root dislodging enough earth in one chunk to blot out the sun! then with a flick of his wrist he flings this chunk of earth out into the Atlantic. with one mighty splash the earth Skipp's across the water and then is gone over the horizon....
Superman listened for and hour as the sounds of continued splashing reached his ears. when the noise finally settled he turned and looked at Chuck..."Sorry Chuck" was all he said.
historians and geographers would later determine that upon the same day in history the Chesapeake Bay in Virginia mysteriously formed as well as did the isles of Ireland and England.......
-
Chuck Norris knocked out the "most interesting man" on the dos XX beer commercial. :O
-
Chuck Norris was going to fight David Carradine but he never came out of the closet. :rolleyes:
-
Chuck Norris was going to fight David Carradine but he never came out of the closet. :rolleyes:
Oh that's low..... :lol
-
(http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2009/348/f/3/Bruce_Lee___Chuck_Norris_who_by_Hafu_Inuyasha.jpg)
-
(http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2009/348/f/3/Bruce_Lee___Chuck_Norris_who_by_Hafu_Inuyasha.jpg)
Chuck Norris is so badass it takes Bruce Lee to kill him in a movie. :t
-
Everything Chuck did, Bruce did faster and more of it.
..and yes, I laugh out loud at these .. every time.
Thanks for posting them :)
Pay no attention to the rude boys
.. they truly are not worth a moment of consideration.
-GE aka Frank
-
fact: chuck norris 'jokes' have never been funny and people who post them are invariably morons
:aok
(http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lomf4p8TnG1qdnkok.gif)
-
Chuck Norris vs. Abe Lincoln
(Mild Language Warning)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zj2Zf9tlg2Y
-
I heard that Hwang In Shik was supposed to either be one of the pagoda floors in "game of death" or as a guardian of the yard.
-
Anyone mention this one yet?
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
-
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/563059_273940219366939_655866157_n.jpg)
-
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/551026_290328177728143_929753796_n.jpg)
-
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/551026_290328177728143_929753796_n.jpg)
:aok
-
I saw Chuck in some commercial and frankly he sounded kinda light in the Loafers.
-
Chuck Norris destroyed the Periodic Table because the only element he recognizes is surprise.