Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: FuBaR on January 09, 2006, 11:48:40 PM
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heres something that should crack anything human up.
http://www.craigslist.com/about/best/wdc/117513973.html
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:rofl :rofl
Moaning and weezing in your stall while wave after wave of dysentery ran from your bowels. What had you consumed?! Raw chicken, 2 bowls of chilli, 1 bottle Ex-Lax and a gallon of milk? You single handedly ruined every molecule of oxygen in the room
Frickin great!
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Before it gets chopped off CL - gotta put it up here.
Reply to: anon-117513973@craigslist.org
Date: Sun Dec 11 20:17:55 2005
Dear person in the Islanders Resturant bathroom,
While I don't make a habbit of calling people out on their movements I need to put this one out there. YOU SIR, need to start each and every day with a bran muffin. Do you have the bird flu? In 26 years on this planet I have never heard, heard of, had or otherwise experienced as voilent a **** as you took in the Islanders bathroom. It sounded like you were pouring out a 5 gallon bucket of ice water from 10 feet avove the toilet. My ears have never heard so horrific a sound as your liquid fecal being fired downward between pockets of pressurized methane gas. I was only there to wash my hands before eating my lunch...but my appetite was foiled by your ass-disaster. Moaning and weezing in your stall while wave after wave of dysentery ran from your bowels. What had you consumed?! Raw chicken, 2 bowls of chilli, 1 bottle Ex-Lax and a gallon of milk? You single handedly ruined every molecule of oxygen in the room. 30 minutes later back at work it still seemed like someone had wiped a log of **** under my nose.
* this is in or around DC
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:noid
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Hey, I didnt eat any corn!
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ty Wolfy.
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:rofl :rofl
I've been there, heard that. Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
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Try the green chili salsa. It's great for............. UUUUURRRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Maybe someone should have given him some Colon Blow Hot Sauce.
Masher
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lol Karaya, the only thing you ever taught me was the term "shotgun****" HAHAHA
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thats called "painting the toilet" :p
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The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your bellybutton look like "a Japanese Flag".
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
And for those that don't know...
Shotgun ****
ALWAYS happens after eating spicy food. You drop trou and take a seat, thinking this just another normal poo when.... BLAM! Crap explodes from your rear and paints the whole bowl in a noxcious brown coating. Always accompanied by the Purple Haze which could easily double as VX nerve gas.
Over at http://www.lotsofjokes.com there's a few lists like this one. Including the now-infamous "**** List."
On a personal note: last time the Shotgun Crap happened at my place I actually posted a "Caution: Flammable Gas" sign on the bathroom door. My roomie thought it was funny, until his girlfriend opened the door...
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Flakbait [Delta6]
(http://www.wa-net.com/~delta6/sig/veggie.gif)
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LMFAO Houdini dump HJAHAHAHAHA