Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => Aces High General Discussion => Topic started by: IownU on April 12, 2006, 08:34:16 AM
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gents just thought i would let those who knew as of 2:57 AM of April 12 2006 i became a proud father of a beautiful baby girl 7 pounds 15 ounces and 21 1/2 inces :D
sincerly KaTnIp AKA LTARkilz
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WTG!!!!!
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Congrats!
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Congrats !
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Congrats!!!
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Congrats and you will need this:
10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me.
You may glance at her, as long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.
If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body,
I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.
Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not,
in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter,
I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.
Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex,
I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,
and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl,
you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with
you.
If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.
If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.
My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
eyesight.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided.
Movies which features chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay.
Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been.
But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a
rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up,
the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait
for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the
driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight.
Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.
The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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Originally posted by Silat
Congrats and you will need this:
10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me.
You may glance at her, as long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.
If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body,
I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.
Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not,
in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter,
I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.
Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex,
I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,
and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl,
you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with
you.
If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.
If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.
My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
eyesight.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided.
Movies which features chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay.
Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been.
But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a
rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up,
the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait
for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the
driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight.
Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.
The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
LOL!:rofl
congrats kilz, wishing you a lifetime of happiness!:aok
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Congrats !!!
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Originally posted by Silat
Congrats and you will need this:
10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me.
You may glance at her, as long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.
If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body,
I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.
Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not,
in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter,
I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.
Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex,
I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,
and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl,
you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with
you.
If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.
If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.
My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
eyesight.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided.
Movies which features chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay.
Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been.
But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a
rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up,
the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait
for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the
driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight.
Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.
The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
LOL
CONGRADUATIONS!!!!!!! Have two SONS and hope for no daughters!!
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Congrats!! To the bar men... oh and gals too!!
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Congrats!!
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Congrats Katnip..tis a blessing indeed.
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Congrats Katnip & Family!
Now just remember, 16 years from now, that the twinkle in your eye nine months ago is what got your car totalled :D
Silat :rofl had to jump my share of fences because of fathers like you :lol
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Congrats! Being the proud father of a now 10 Year old beauty, I can swear by the rules Silat has posted, they are on my wall at the office, and at the front door of my house :D
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Originally posted by Vudak
Congrats Katnip & Family!
Now just remember, 16 years from now, that the twinkle in your eye nine months ago is what got your car totalled :D
Silat :rofl had to jump my share of fences because of fathers like you :lol
I would think you could outrun them easily enough if they were like Silat. After all, I wouldnt think it would be that easy to run in heels. :)
Congratz on the baby KaTnIp! Welcome to the best part of life.
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Congrats
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Congrats:D
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Congratulations! Best wishes to the whole family.
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Hope you are enjoing your 2 hours of sleep, muaahahahhah :D
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Grats Katnip!
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Originally posted by Silat
Congrats and you will need this:
10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter...
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
I like the whole list, LOL, but #1 is like the biggest freakin' pet peeve of mine.
I cannot understand how any woman would walk outside to get in the car of someone who just honks instead of dragging his lazy arse up to the door. And if it's my daughter.... :furious
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Congrats! Post us a pic as soon as you can!
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WTG Kilz!!
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Grats Katnip :D
Silat your rules inspired me to wear tennis shoes next time I meet a gals parents. :D
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Congrats!
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Congrats Katnip! Hope Mother and Daughter are doing well.
:aok
Mac
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Congrats!!
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congrats:aok :aok
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Big Congrats Nip. As a father of a 21 year old blond haired blue eyed absolute beauty , I'll say , READ SILATS RULES AND LIVE BY EM.:rofl
Welcome to He!!
J/K
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Or, The Task of Carter Randolph
Or, Cthulhu Cthild Cthare
© 2001 by Tom Smith
Many and uncanny are the things I have seen in this world. In the
foreboding tundra far beyond my lands, where the sky comes to awful life
with the shimmering of ions charged by far-off stars, I have watched an old
woman, shriveled with terrible wisdom, strike the bare trunk of a tree with
an axe until something like unto blood flowed from it, and then boil that
viscous ooze into a sinister delicacy for the tables of kings. I have
traveled many miles west to the Hills of Blackness, and looked upon the
towering, alabaster faces of the ancients who ruled this land, their stoic
and silent visages hewn unnaturally from the living rock. I have seen
patchwork kingdoms ruled by vermin, and living heads in boxes inciting
brother against brother. But naught of this has prepared me for the wonders
and trials of my new existence, to which I took vows of dedication,
devotion, and adoration, but which has resulted in geases, both passive and
active, I did not anticipate. Before all others, one particular obligation
tasks my very soul.
You must understand, first and foremost, that this was a duty for
which I felt neither desire nor qualification. But it was pressed upon me,
by that matron of the house wherein I resided, with a stern reminder that,
on a basic level, I was at least partly responsible for the situation. I
could not argue with this fact; it had necessarily been ascertained, with my
very blood and genetic matter, by a local laboratory often beset by
protesters of the most vehement sort. What was I to do?
I edged open the door of the darkened chamber with trepidation. The
stench of human effluvia was overpowering. The light from the portal fell
upon a raised cage of ancient wood, not quite square, and decorated with
icons of some lost tribe that worshipped beasts. The sigils celebrated the
gluttony of the bear, the wild and uncontrollable fury of the tiger, the
fatalism and endurance of the donkey, the inscrutable yet impractical wisdom
of the owl, the smug quickness of the rabbit. The metallic rim of the
construct glinted as if angered that illumination had touched it.
Suddenly a cry erupted from the miniature prison, and I perceived a
thrashing and a shuddering within. Swallowing terror as best I could, I
peered over the rim of the cage.
There it lay! Approximately two feet long from end to end it was, with
a disproportionately large skull and flaccid, powerless limbs. Its pallid
flesh was utterly without hair. Its eyes were huge and unfocused, and it
appeared plump, as if recently fed to satiation. God in Heaven! Could I
truly have caused this creature to emerge from nothingness into full being?
No matter. My task lay before me. As I had been instructed, I laid a
square of clean cotton cloth, nearly as long as the creature itself, just so
upon the nearby table. The cloth I anointed with a whitish powder, intended
to subdue the reek of the creature and soothe its raw and uncalloused flesh.
Easy enough so far; but the true challenge lay in the next step. I took a
breath, made my peace with the uncaring universe, reached into the very cage
itself, and lifted the nearly inert creature in my sweating, unsteady hands.
It immediately began to writhe, as if sensing my doubt, and abruptly it
emitted a wail I shall take to my grave.
Ah, God, it mewled so! The walls rang with its incessant shrieks, both
piteously high and yet somehow guttural, and my ear drums nearly burst, and
my nerve nearly failed me; but it was clutching at me now, trying to find
purchase in my flesh with its newly-forming talons, and I had no choice but
to persevere. Fortunately, I had been given some rudimentary instructions on
how to deal with the creature's outbursts. Several strokes of my hand along
its spine, as if I were hypnotizing a crocodile in the manner of the Buhaia
tribe in the jungles of Ahndjur, and numerous repetitions of the words of
power I had been taught, "toora loora loora, toora loora lay", and the
creature grew somewhat calmer, though still its eyes were puffed with what
alien emotion I could not guess.
But now my nostrils were assailed anew by the reek of the thing. I had
remembered too late the cotton cloth it yet wore, once immaculate and
wholesome but now tainted and befouled beyond retribution, the cloth I was
to replace!
For a moment I lost all hope, but then I espied a receptacle nearby,
strongly constructed and cunningly sealed, which could be for no other
substance than this blighted fabric. I lay the creature on the table next
to - not on - the prepared linen, and carefully opened the clasp which
fastened the old cloth in place. I was not prepared for the corrupt vapours
which wafted o'er me as I unfolded it, but the end was in sight. I grasped
the creature by its legs, lifting just enough to draw the grim fabric from
beneath it. Into the appointed scuttle I dismissed that besmirched linen at
once, taking care not to touch (and thus taint) anything else with its
foulness.
At length I was able to crudely wrap the freshly prepared cloth around
its nether regions. This I affixed in place with the clasp, which I now
noticed was a cunningly constructed locking needle of the purest steel. It
did not seem to have any discernible ill effect upon the creature, but I
felt safer for having the cold iron between it and me.
Gingerly, so as not to rouse its keening once more, I returned the
creature to its holding pen. It did not seem to mind its imprisonment,
however, but gurgled happily, and then arranged itself for sleep with a
countenance so trusting that my heart suddenly went out to it, and my hand
started forward of its own accord to stroke the creature's brow.
At that very moment, I remembered myself, and what I had done, and I
stared at my traitorous hand for a long moment before fleeing the chamber
altogether, dreading the inevitable time that, once more, the task should
fall upon my troubled soul.
http://www.tomsmithonline.com/comedy/thing_in_the_crib.htm
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Great one ROC
Congrats KILLz =S=
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Congrats!!!! Having 4 kids I can tell you seeing my daughter for the first time brought a tear to my eyes!! She is now 10 and I am dreading next school year....she starts middle school!!
The boys will watch out for her so not a problem and if they fail anyone of my 12 hunting tools shall do the job :D :D :D :D
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Originally posted by AWMac
Congrats Katnip! Hope Mother and Daughter are doing well.
:aok
Mac
the mother and daughter are fine and will be returning home today. thanks for askin and gents thank you all for the congrats :aok
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Congratulations Katnip. Is it your first child?
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Congrats on having a little girl.
Mine was the last of three kids. From the time when she was born until she was about 18 months old she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. She would cling to her mother whenever I tried to hold her, cry if it was just the two of us around and I tried to play with her etc.
She just turned 2. She is now daddy's little girl. Cute as a button and full of beans.
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Congrats!best of wishes
Pipz
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Originally posted by Cynic
Congratulations Katnip. Is it your first child?
neg i got three girls now
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Originally posted by KaTnIp
neg i got three girls now
AHHHHH!!!!:O :O :O
good luck:aok :noid J/K :p
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Awesome!
Lucky man, enjoy it while you can.
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Congrats KatNip!
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Originally posted by KaTnIp
neg i got three girls now
Ya going to try again for that elusive son? :D
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lol thinkin about givin up on a boy dont want to be too old when it goes thru high school
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Originally posted by KaTnIp
lol thinkin about givin up on a boy dont want to be too old when it goes thru high school
I have some semi-automatic weapons you can use when they reach dating age:D
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Congrats on the new baby!
uh.......
That means you were not flying.......
That means that you.........
That means your wife........
Was it better than flying? I don't think anything could be better than flying.
The big question is, do you have an account for her yet?
LOL
Congrats again.
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Another LTAR in training. Woot Woot
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heya sabr
bro
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Congrats bro <
> :aok
and what silat said, hehe.... he's should know :rofl
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Congrats KaTnIp on that new little girl <>
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all the best mate
from Superv
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Originally posted by KaTnIp
gents just thought i would let those who knew as of 2:57 AM of April 12 2006 i became a proud father of a beautiful baby girl 7 pounds 15 ounces and 21 1/2 inces :D
sincerly KaTnIp AKA LTARkilz
I only got one thing to say to you Katnip......
GAME OVER
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Kilz
and congrats to Papa, Mamma, and Baby LTAR.
Did you give her her own Osti yet??
hap
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lol i got little ostis hangin over her crib :D