Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Nilsen on June 04, 2006, 11:09:06 AM
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As some of you may remember, my mother died 1,5 years ago.
Now my dad has found a new "freind", and I have only just been told about it. I have suspected it for a couple of weeks but didnt want to ask.
Well now he has confirmed it, and he has found a widow that he enjoys spending time with.
One one hand im very happy that he has found someone he may spend his old age with and he has sertainly earned it after caring so much for my mother during their long marriage and her many years of sever illness.
On the other hand I must admit that it feels strange to get a new """""mother"""" and all the changes that will take place because of it. I was afraid that she may just be a gold digger, but she apparently has more stuff that my father (including an appartment in London and a timeshare in Spain that I would not mind using :D).
Have not yet met her, but on friday we leave for the summer house for a week of R&R, and she will be there so we can meet her. I hope she will make a good impression on us even if its not our business. Im afraid that if she already has started putting her "touch" on our summer house and the memmories I will get her stuck sideways from the start.
So..
Has anyone else been in a similar situation were one of your parents has gotten a new partner that you have to deal with and share my feelings on it.
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Sounds like you are afraid she will try to take the "position" of mother away from your mother. Why not cherish the memories you have, but try to be happy for your dad. Sounds like he's earned it.
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I went through similar back in the late 80s. Mom died of cancer, couple years later Dad was getting married. I was happy for him, because I felt he wasn't the type that wanted to come home to an empty house. It has worked out well for him, he is happy and doesnt sit and brood about being alone.
Focus on what he needs, what will make him happy, and not how it effects you or makes you feel. It is a big change to see your parent with someone else, but for his benefit that most important thing you can do is make him comfortable. It is an act of love on your part to do that, even if privately it bothers you.
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Just be an adult about it & try to see it from his pov. You can still love & miss your mother & accept this new companion of your fathers without replacing your feelings for your lost mom. We as humans have an enormous capacity for emotion; just try not to let yours run away with you....just keep things in perspective & you'll see. Afterall, this lady didn't cause what happened to your mother & she might be an ok gal, just give her a fair chance & then see what you think.
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My "wicked stepmother" (she calls herself that) is a wonderful person. When Mom died back in 1984 my Dad moved to Texas and started a new life. He always said to "never look back". His 1st marriage lasted 37 years, he was with his 2nd wife for 19 when he died last year. She kept him young and happy and active. I was glad he found her.
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I could tell it was not easy for him to tell me about her when he called me aside to have a conversation. I just gave him a hug and told him "i know, im happy for you" before he could say anything.
Im only human tho, and have to admit that i have mixed feelings even if i dont want to.
I just really hope I like her cause we will have to spend alot of time with her in the future if it works out. It will take a big load of my shoulders too if they do get together and I wont have to worry so much about him in the future. She can help look after him and take some of that off my shoulders.
He is 62 so for him to be alone for so many future years (hopfully) cant be easy. I will prolly kill her tho if she does anything to hurt him. He is prolly the nicest people on the planet and some have taken advantage of that in the past. He is also the only close famly I have left except for my wife and daughter. My aunt and cousins live in Italy so I almost never see them.
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Originally posted by Nilsen
I could tell it was not easy for him to tell me about her when he called me aside to have a conversation. I just gave him a hug and told him "i know, im happy for you" before he could say anything.
Im only human tho, and have to admit that i have mixed feelings even if i dont want to.
I just really hope I like her cause we will have to spend alot of time with her in the future if it works out. It will take a big load of my shoulders too if they do get together and I wont have to worry so much about him in the future. She can help look after him and take some of that off my shoulders.
He is 62 so for him to be alone for so many future years (hopfully) cant be easy. I will prolly kill her tho if she does anything to hurt him. He is prolly the nicest people on the planet and some have taken advantage of that in the past. He is also the only close famly I have left except for my wife and daughter. My aunt and cousins live in Italy so I almost never see them.
don't sweat it Nils. If he's happy, that's all that should be important. If he wants you to be happy for him, don't let him down.
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I'd post this thread is worthless without pics..
But that'd just be wrong..
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There could be worse things in life then having two mothers.
I had 3 grandmothers. As a kid it worked out rather well for me. LOL
And she isnt your mother. She's a step mom.
Nobody can replace your mother and I doubt she would even try to.
Just be happy for your father he isnt spending the rest of his life alone and lonely.
Would your mom have wanted that? I doubt that too.
Just enjoy her and take solice in the fact that she makes your dad happy.
thats the important thing
Im sure that feeling of Strangeness will pass in time and she will eventually feel like just another member of the family.
And hey. if she has those kinda properties. She may be loaded to boot.
Milk her for all shes worth LOL
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welcome your new "friend"
remember everything isn't about you .. this seems to be more about your dad's happiness
she isn't a step anything, you aren't a kid anymore or are you ..
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Nils, I've been in that situation. You have to be happy for your Dad, but you don't have to forget your Mom. Just address her by her first name and hope things work out for the best.
Unfortunately, my situation did not fare well. When my father died she showed her true colors and took all our family heirlooms and give them to her kids. She even sold my dad's house a few months after he died and used the money to buy a new one with her ex-husband. She did offer to sell it to me at twice the market value, tho.
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My mom died when I was in high school. My dad remarried some tight-prettythang beyatch that our whole family didn't like. It would have taken a tractor to pull a needle out of her butt. So, my advice is:
If you don't like her...push her in front of a bus.:aok
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My dad works at a model agency nowadays and in turn he seems to date a bunch of different girls from there, some at the same time.. hmm. My parents have been seperated since I was a kid so it doesn't really bother me. It would probably bother me more if he didn't... or if he dated .. men.
Be glad ur dad isnt gay, that would be truly weird.
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Update:
We arrived yesterday and the woman seems layed back and nice. Not at all the rich ***** I was afraid of. Then I really should not have expected dad to find trash.
Got off on the wrong foot but that was my fault and I quickly apologised and corrected it. She made us all breakfast this a couple of hours ago and is reading the paper to Mia so they are off to a good start. :)
8 days of R&R is gonna be sweet
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Just remember that he loves your mom too. Let it be about him and where he is now.
He must have good taste, I'm sure you will all get along great.
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I think we will get along. I had to "put her in her place" thats all. She got it, and we are fine now.
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Appreciate the fact that maybe you may meet someone who acts as a tradtional mother
there are worse situations
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I dont need someone that acts like a traditional mother: She can act like a friend and not step on my toes or else she can pack up and leave.
I own half the summerhouse, and when the first thing she does is tell me that we can use the guestrooms/annex (that I/we have had as ours for 31 years) she gets told what the facts are and thats that. She got it and problem is solved. So far today things are going great.
She may think that she has a say in how things are after knowing my father for 3 months, and she is welcome to be a part of his and our life but I would not start telling her what to do in her house so she better not try that with me. I set the standard from the get go and now she knows. Other than this little incident she seems like a lovely lady.
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My dad got married 5 times, you get used to it :)
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They cant marry so that is nothing im worried about :)
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I never "worried" about that, he's a grown man... he can do whatever he wants. My mother married 3 times as well, it looks llike I don't have the gene ;)
As I see it, it's none of your business. (I don't mean to offend you by saying this, just how I see it)
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They cant because I have a knife the size of your arm and the will to use it.
J/K :D
Tax and pension reasons for it. They would both loose too much and the paperwork would be a nightmare. When mom died we decided that I would not take her part of the lot because it would come to me anyway when dad dies because I dont have any brothers or sisters.
I can at any time undo that and get my part. I would too, but not to be an arse, but because if I dont then I would loose everything if they get married and he dies first. She and eventually her family would then get most of it and that is so wrong.
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Be nice to the woman who is going to inherit all your Dad would have left to you! You better believe she will at some point either marry him, or if he gets a weaker mind going, as sadly so many older folks do, she will probably convince him to write a will leaving her most everything and cutting you and all family out, since she "took care of him in his old age". It is a sad reality that more people will let the greed in their nature overtake any feelings of "what is right".
Older women worry about security, and financial security plus a place to sleep are top of that list.
Unless she is very well off now, she will be moving to to gain financial control of your fathers assets in time, and it will be done quietly. Best thing you can do is talk with your father about your concerns as diplomatically as you can. In the long run, it's his decision but if he wants to make sure you are taken care of, he needs to do that sooner rather than later.
My Father remarried after my Mother passed away, but he got a pre-nup, setup a will, and both are in the hands of his lawyer guaranteeing his estate split between my brother and me. (his wife is pretty well off on her own and her estate will go to her children).
This is a case where prevention and planning avoid years of hassles and bad feelings later.
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Originally posted by Eagler
welcome your new "friend"
remember everything isn't about you .. this seems to be more about your dad's happiness
she isn't a step anything, you aren't a kid anymore or are you ..
what he said
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They will both loose by getting married so its never going to be an option and thats that. If they did then I have papers that ensures my part.
My dad would not do it anyway so that debate is pointless.
Even with all that aside she is wealthy enough to understand that she would loose more.
Now lets put that discussion dead right now even if i know you are just trying to push my buttons :D
She seems like a nice woman and she now knows were the limit is regarding telling me where my family can stay in my own summerhouse.
The best is the way my dad handled it. He just sat by and watched me draw the line, and not to get in the way.
Now im looking forward to the rest of the week and hopefully meeting atleast one of her kids next weekend.
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Originally posted by Nilsen
I think we will get along. I had to "put her in her place" thats all. She got it, and we are fine now.
You put your fathers friend in her place , in his house? I love my children, but if an adult child of mine thought it was his place to put my wife /friend/significant other , or whatever you want to call in their place in my home..... I would re-educate them on where exactly their place is.
I'm sorry for the loss of your mother , but you really need to grow up on this issue. This isnt about you it's about them. Your supposed to have your own life by this point.
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Originally posted by Shifty
You put your fathers friend in her place , in his house? I love my children, but if an adult child of mine thought it was his place to put my wife /friend/significant other , or whatever you want to call in their place in my home..... I would re-educate them on where exactly their place is.
I'm sorry for the loss of your mother , but you really need to grow up on this issue. This isnt about you it's about them. Your supposed to have your own life by this point.
Slow down
First of all its OUR summerhouse, I own half.
The annex has been my sumerhome for 31 years and no 3 month old "friend" of my dad has any tiny weeny right to tell me that im "free to use it when I want"
Seems like some here have the wrong idea. I like that he has met her, but would any of you accept that a person came into your home and started telling YOU what to do in it? She doesnt even live there but visit very often.
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Treat her as your mother would wish you to.
:)
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THAT I can promise :D
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Originally posted by Nilsen
Seems like some here have the wrong idea. I like that he has met her, but would any of you accept that a person came into your home and started telling YOU what to do in it? She doesnt even live there but visit very often.
Sure sounds like she is trying to establish both ownership and control. I think you did the right thing in standing up to her and explaining the situation. Hopefully diplomatically, but getting the ground rules straight was important.
I would still recommend you be very on-guard as to her possibly trying to establish more control as time goes by. If she tried already controlling the house before living there, she has control issues.
And BTW, just because someone has money, does not stop them from wanting to get more whereever they can.
Good luck,
dago
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Originally posted by Nilsen
I dont need someone that acts like a traditional mother: She can act like a friend and not step on my toes or else she can pack up and leave.
I own half the summerhouse, and when the first thing she does is tell me that we can use the guestrooms/annex (that I/we have had as ours for 31 years) she gets told what the facts are and thats that. She got it and problem is solved. So far today things are going great.
She may think that she has a say in how things are after knowing my father for 3 months, and she is welcome to be a part of his and our life but I would not start telling her what to do in her house so she better not try that with me. I set the standard from the get go and now she knows. Other than this little incident she seems like a lovely lady.
In that case. Place her over your kneee and spank her.
Trust me.
Its what she wants:D
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Originally posted by Shifty
Treat her as your mother would wish you to.
:)
If your dad wants to find another woman to be with, let him have the happiness of female companionship. However DO NOT let her take the place of your natural mother.
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don't forget the 'bus' option!
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Don't think of her as a new mom. She will be your Dad's wife. And she can be a friend. You an adult now. No need to think of her any other way. I'm dating a great gal that has 5 kids. The oldest is going to be 30 this year. The youngest is 21. There adults. When we get married, I'll be their Mom's husband. That's all it'll be. I don't need to be a Dad to them. Their big people now. I'll just be a friend.
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Originally posted by Nilsen
Slow down
First of all its OUR summerhouse, I own half.
The annex has been my sumerhome for 31 years and no 3 month old "friend" of my dad has any tiny weeny right to tell me that im "free to use it when I want"
Seems like some here have the wrong idea. I like that he has met her, but would any of you accept that a person came into your home and started telling YOU what to do in it? She doesnt even live there but visit very often.
Hell, Nils... haven't met the old nag yet that didn't understand a beery in-her-face belch, an industrious ball scratch, a full two-ham aimed moon with apple flash, followed by a cheerful smile and a meaningfuly opened front door.
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Originally posted by firbal
Don't think of her as a new mom. She will be your Dad's wife. And she can be a friend. You an adult now. No need to think of her any other way. I'm dating a great gal that has 5 kids. The oldest is going to be 30 this year. The youngest is 21. There adults. When we get married, I'll be their Mom's husband. That's all it'll be. I don't need to be a Dad to them. Their big people now. I'll just be a friend.
wtf wtf wtf again! :furious :furious :furious
STOP TALKING ABOUT WIFES: NOBODY IS GGETTING MARRIED!!!! :furious
;)
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my mum re-married and my father never has.
my mum lives in a small house with her husband, both earning as much as possible to survive, my father is sailing round the globe in the Clipper05/06 boat race, living his dream.
the moral: if you're lucky enough to get divorced, dont send yourself right back to prison, start living life for yourself again. Its not easy when 20 years of your life has been family orientated, but i can tell you for sure my old man would have gone nuts if he didnt find something that he really wanted to do just for himself.
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sounds great batfink. your dad is lucky
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is she hot?