Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Flit on October 19, 2006, 12:01:35 PM
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Hi all
I just thought I'd post the reason why I hav'nt been playing much lately.
My wife came back from her trip to Italy about three weeks ago, and blindsided me with the announcement that she no longer loved me and wanted to separate.
Needless to say, I am devastated.
I had no idea at all that she had been feeling this way for quite a while, and had been trying to keep our marriage together for 3 years.
If I had known, I would have made much more of an effort much sooner.
I hope and pray that we can work this out, as I love her more then anything else in this world.
At least we are communicating , probably for first time in 4 years, and I like to think she is wavering a bit. She wants to do a trial separation, and see how she feels in a couple months.
The worse part is the fact that even now, we get along great. We don't argue, snuggle, hold hands, sleep together, and seem to have everything we need to succeed except she says there's no longer any "chemistry" between us.
If nothing else, we have spent more time doing stuff together in the past 3 weeks then we have in the past 3 years, which is my fault.
I have been sitting at home on the 'puter since we got married, trying to save money toward my retirement, while she has wanted to travel and do other things.
I still have hope, and would ask eveyone to please pray for the successful resumption of what I thought was the perfect marrige.
Peace
Flit
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She hasn't loved you in 3 years, and got back from italy?
What do you think she was doing in italy?
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I feel your pain brother. I've been going through the same thing since January. It sucks but I hope yours works out better than mine has to this point.
Just keep your chin up.
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Originally posted by lasersailor184
She hasn't loved you in 3 years, and got back from italy?
What do you think she was doing in italy?
Damn Laser....give the guy a break. He's got enough on his mind without something like that. Kinda out of line don't ya think?
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Originally posted by Hornet33
Damn Laser....give the guy a break. He's got enough on his mind without something like that. Kinda out of line don't ya think?
Unfortunately it's a valid statement. Love hurts, and dancing around issues like that can only make it worse imho.
For Flit though, if you don't mind, why did you not go with her?
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I think he all ready said it, he has been home playing on computer since married while she has wanted to travel and do other things.
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Bummer. Hope it works out for you bro :(
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Originally posted by Hornet33
Damn Laser....give the guy a break. He's got enough on his mind without something like that. Kinda out of line don't ya think?
Really... how dare you post something unsupportive or even serious!
There aren't enough rollyeyes in the world for this one.
Dude... If she has been gone and wants a "trial separation" she has someone in the bullpen already. Wake up and smell the attorney fees.
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Trial separation means its a done deal IMO. I'd stay friends, and move along. There are a ton of fish in the sea...
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Best of luck to yas Flit.
Do the smart thing though, and go talk to an attorney and protect as much of your assets as possible.
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Just another reason never to get married this day and age.
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best of luck sir.
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edited to reflect a more sensitive yet reticent fellow.
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Best of luck
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Jeez fella's-
1- she went to Italy with her mother
2- I did'nt because I was in the middle of moving my business, plus I really had no desire to go. If I had known it would make a difference, I would have gone in a heartbeat.
3- even if I did go, I have a feeling she would not have enjoyed her trip as much with me along anyway.
4- I know for a fact there is no one else.
5- She's 31, I'm 45- can you say Mid-life Crisis of enormous proportions ?
6- If you don't have anything supportive to say, stay the **** out of my thread. This might not seem like anything to you, but it means a hell of a lot to me
For the rest of you- Thanks for your thought's and prayers
Peace
Flit
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Flit, with all due respcet, I feel your pain.
Just love the gal and let her go. If she flys away....well, you know the rest of the story.
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I agreed to separate on saturday- Things are much better stress wise, and I think that she will change her mind once she's gone for a while.
She probably won't even move out till after Thanksgiving, or possibly Christmas, so I have some time to work on it.
As I said , we arent fighting and still get along great, and I think that anyone who's been married for a period of time knows that relationships go though these cycles of attraction/ Non attraction.
It's the first Marriage for both of us, so I'm hoping that she will realize that what she is feeling is pretty common, and we just have to work through it and not just give up.
In the meantime, she has agreed to go to counciling, and even seems to be excited to go, which is why I hav'nt givin up hope yep.
BTW- For allyou detractors out there, and you know who you are- We are going out on a date Saturday night- does that sound like it's over and done with to you ?
Like I said- If you have nothing nice to say, just stay out, I don't need it right now.
Peace
Flit
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It's obvious you still want to work it out. The only question left is does she want to give it another shot or is her mind made up?
If she wants to leave I don't think there is much you can do. But if she is willing to try, then both of you need to see a good marriage counselor. If you religious then get one of the same faith. No marriage is so far gone that it can't be fixed if both partners really want it to and work hard at making the necessary changes.
Edit: It's a good sign she is willing to do counseling. There is hope.
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not to make light of it but.. The first divorce is the hardest.
If you have to change to much about yourself in order to keep her... it won't work.. you will resent having to do so and it will show eventually.
women also work on a different clock... when they feel the blush coming off the rose they get a little desperate... they figure they better get busy if they aren't absolutely happy in evey respect... they want to catch mr right before gravity catches them.
lazs
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Originally posted by Flit
I have been sitting at home on the 'puter since we got married... while she has wanted to travel and do other things.
hey Flit,
ive heard alot of similar storys here, the computer is the most important thing until its to late.
Maybe its a good thing to change the sig now too?
sorry for you and best of luck!
R
Gh0stFT
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Originally posted by BigGun
I think he all ready said it, he has been home playing on computer since married while she has wanted to travel and do other things.
could be he'd rather stay home and save money then go out and blow money they couldnt afford to.
I've seen that before.
People who have to have that good time now and worry about the cost later. Or piss away what money they have now then not have it when they need it.
In fact my father was like that.
not everyone can easily afford to go out on vacations regularly. Or go out on the town all the time.
But many do anyway and say damn the cost.
And since I know Flit. I think its safe to say he wasnt on the computer "all the time"
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Step 1. Get rid of computer
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Flit,
I have to echo what Filth says. If you do love her and really want to make this work, and the computer is an issue, get rid of it. I for one hope you work it out. Been down the road of divorce twice. First time was my fault to a point (I did not cheat), 2nd was not. Anyways, do the best you can to reconcile, and do it for you. Also, it is best for the two of you to goto a paralegal together and draw up an agreement on your seperation, IE assets. Trust me, you are best off doing it. Remember, you get to live with what is given up if you are blinded by love...
Anyways, a big ole prayer that it works! man
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I heard that same story from another friend of mine... Turns out she'd met someone on her trip and decided she wanted a trade-in.
Do some research and see if she's seeing someone else. Delay the separation long enough and the truth will come out.
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Originally posted by Ripsnort
Trial separation means its a done deal IMO. I'd stay friends, and move along. There are a ton of fish in the sea...
[SIZE=8]NO![/SIZE] Bad Rip! Bad!
The moment either of you leave the house (I.E. Move out for trial seperation) it is known as abandonement in the court system. The person who is abandoned then gets to butt rape the other person in the divorce.
What ever you do, don't move out. Ever. Even if you're on the brink of killing her.
Of course, it's OK if SHE moves out. Nothing wrong about that, right? :aok
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Originally posted by lazs2
not to make light of it but.. The first divorce is the hardest.
Yeah, the next six are a piece of cake!
I looked at the age difference, this might be what's on her mind, what life might be like 10-20 years down the road.
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Take it easy, Flit, in true love, nothing hurts. Lose the computer asap, though.
Laser, Rip didn't say "move out".
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Oh whoops. I saw "I'd stay friends" didn't understand it and thought he meant "I'd stay with friends".
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Hi Flit, I wish you the best. I wouldn't be optimistic about it, though.
You don't have any chance at all to save this marraige unless you immediately stop blaming it all on yourself (takes 2 to tango), and above all, get out of that frame of mind that your life's happiness depends on her. If you are projecting that crap, you can guarauntee that there will be no chemistry and she won't respect you. She has kept this all a secret from you, so you know that this one has no real intention of including you in her plans, especially if she finds that you have no strength of character and think so little of yourself that you think you can't live without her, and are willing to change who you are, for her.
I trully empathise with you, but you have to dig deep in times like this. Give yourself some credit for being a good man, which plenty of women are looking for. Above all, be strong, acknowledge that your dream is probably over, and face the future. Encourage her to move out. Make the bimbo respect you if nothing else. Who knows, she might come crawling, but I wouldn't be too quick take her back. g'luck
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Flit,
I saw counseling already mentioned. I want to stress that this is where you should be taking this issue right now. It's not the computer alone here in your situation. You need to get some professional help here and I can't recomend going to some kind of marriage counselor strongly enough. Both of you need to have a detatched outside person help you work through the issues. Both of you will be unable to see the real points for the other without some guidance. If you do nothing else to try and salvage the marriage, counseling is where yu should be running, not walking to.
Good luck to you.
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Best of luck to you Flit.
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Been there done that. Knew things could have been better and would have worked on things if told she wasn't happy. Some people are so conflict avoident that they would rather just ignore the problem until it's too late. Atleast yours didnt just up and one day call you on the phone and say she wanted a divorce and to be out of the house by noon the next day. Best thing that ever happened to me though. Hang in there, it's hell, but gets a lot better.
p.s. spending all your time on the computer means you weren't happy either
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I dont have the delicate prose of Seagoon...but if she's been thinking this for 3 years...she just let you in on it before popping papers. Or something.
Wish I could think of more positive things to say....good luck.
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Bummer Flit - I feel for you, I really do. I've seen too many friends go through this kind of thing over the last couple of years.
Originally posted by Sixpence
...I looked at the age difference...
I noticed this as well. If you don't mind me asking Flit, how long have you guys been together? Obviously I wont be offended if you tell me to ****-off and mind my own business.
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Originally posted by wooley
Bummer Flit - I feel for you, I really do. I've seen too many friends go through this kind of thing over the last couple of years.
I noticed this as well. If you don't mind me asking Flit, how long have you guys been together? Obviously I wont be offended if you tell me to ****-off and mind my own business.
7 years, Married for 5 and a half-
I'm pretty sure the age differange has some to do with it, but I think it's more of a "O my God I'm 31 and I'm getting old" mid life crisis.
We are going to counciling together, but have only been to one so far.
We go again tomorrow morning, then we are going to start counciling with a local paster that I know.
At least she's willing to talk, so far.
I did give her a nice back rub last night, and "got her goin" a bit, then she pulled back and accused me of "taking advantage".
It's funny how after she got up off the couch to go to bed she "galloped" across the house a couple of times, which is a sure sign she was happy, even if she would'nt admit it.
So I know that even though she say's I don't turn her on anymore, it's not the whole truth. All I can do is be strong and hope that she will start thinking about what we have together, instead of what she thinks might be out there.
I remember not 2 years ago , she came out and asked me if I would ever Divorce her- I said whats up with that, of course not. It turns out one of her co-worker's was going thruogh a nasty Divorce, and she did'nt want to have to deal with that, never mind the fact that she said she did'nt want to go through the whole dating scene agian.
As for the 'puter time- I am no longer on it when she's home, I'm with her unless she needs some space.We've acually been spending quite a bit of time together the past 2 weeks, so I'm hoping she will see the light eventually.
The thing that really bugs me is the "I want a trial separation" followed by the "how should we divide our assets". That to me seems to indicate that she has made up her mind. All I can do is continue to love her and hope the spark comes back.
Thanks for all the good wishes, it does make a difference !
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Originally posted by LePaul
I dont have the delicate prose of Seagoon...but if she's been thinking this for 3 years...she just let you in on it before popping papers. Or something.
Wish I could think of more positive things to say....good luck.
Thanks-
I think she's just throwing that number out. I also think that some of the things she said were designed to piss me off and make it easier for me to say "GO"!
Like I said, I have not yet givin up the fight
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Originally posted by Gunthr
Hi Flit, I wish you the best. I wouldn't be optimistic about it, though.
You don't have any chance at all to save this marraige unless you immediately stop blaming it all on yourself (takes 2 to tango), and above all, get out of that frame of mind that your life's happiness depends on her. If you are projecting that crap, you can guarauntee that there will be no chemistry and she won't respect you. She has kept this all a secret from you, so you know that this one has no real intention of including you in her plans, especially if she finds that you have no strength of character and think so little of yourself that you think you can't live without her, and are willing to change who you are, for her.
I trully empathise with you, but you have to dig deep in times like this. Give yourself some credit for being a good man, which plenty of women are looking for. Above all, be strong, acknowledge that your dream is probably over, and face the future. Encourage her to move out. Make the bimbo respect you if nothing else. Who knows, she might come crawling, but I wouldn't be too quick take her back. g'luck
Good advice, which I shall take, except for the last paragraph (:
Thanks
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Originally posted by eagl
I heard that same story from another friend of mine... Turns out she'd met someone on her trip and decided she wanted a trade-in.
Do some research and see if she's seeing someone else. Delay the separation long enough and the truth will come out.
I know for a fact it's not anyone else- how I know that I'm not at liberty to say.
Let's just say I've done /am doing some research.
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BTW- I can't seem to remember how to change my sig- a little help please ?
It seem that all of this has brought the sensitive writer/artist in me, and I would like to share some gushy Hiakus ;)
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Originally posted by Bodhi
Best of luck to yas Flit.
Do the smart thing though, and go talk to an attorney and protect as much of your assets as possible.
This is the best advice that anyone has posted here. Sorry that things didn't work out for ya Flit, but keep your chin up and stand your ground. Don't let emotions take control of better sense. Hire a good attorney to look out for you interest.
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Sorry Flit. Sometimes I suffer from "Jump to conclusion"itis. But my advise about leaving stands. And I need to reiterate it.
Do not leave to stay with a friend, as part of the trial seperaton, or anything else. If you have a bad argument, do not leave. DO NOT LEAVE.
She will try to have you leave the house as part of the trial seperation. Her lawyer will tell her to do this, because of abandonment issues.
The first person to actually stay at another person's place is leaving the "marriage house," and thus abandoning the marriage. This person will lose the divorce, if you can talk about winning and losing it.
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Originally posted by Flit
The thing that really bugs me is the "I want a trial separation" followed by the "how should we divide our assets". That to me seems to indicate that she has made up her mind....
yep, seems that way to most of us too ...
just remember before you go too crazy over that one:
(http://images.encarta.msn.com/xrefmedia/sharemed/targets/images/pho/t044/T044203A.jpg)
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Originally posted by lasersailor184
Sorry Flit. Sometimes I suffer from "Jump to conclusion"itis. But my advise about leaving stands. And I need to reiterate it.
Do not leave to stay with a friend, as part of the trial seperaton, or anything else. If you have a bad argument, do not leave. DO NOT LEAVE.
She will try to have you leave the house as part of the trial seperation. Her lawyer will tell her to do this, because of abandonment issues.
The first person to actually stay at another person's place is leaving the "marriage house," and thus abandoning the marriage. This person will lose the divorce, if you can talk about winning and losing it.
She has already agreed to be the one to move, so no worries on that one
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Originally posted by Flit
BTW- I can't seem to remember how to change my sig- a little help please ?
It seem that all of this has brought the sensitive writer/artist in me, and I would like to share some gushy Hiakus ;)
Never Mind, I got it
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Flit:
'Have a little faith, baby!' (tm Oddball, in Kelly's Hero's)
Faith in yourself.
She is puttin you thru a wringer dropping this on you.
Dood .. it's not all on you.
Every woman I have ever known envies any time spent by their man/pet/lapdog away from *them* doing something that we enjoy doing ..
.. *especially* if they aren't doing it because .
I've been married since April, 1971.
There are still times when my wife/best friend gets her hackles up because I DON'T come and sit in her lap when she demands it.
example:
Early in our marriage I used to go 'cruising' every Saturday nite .. a lil street racin, a lil socializing with other gearheads, seein what others did to their cars and exchangin ideas .. she didn't like 'cruising' much and often as not had to stay home when we had little ones until they were old enough to ride in a car seat.
It was our first test as she had her tantrum, tears, tryin her best for the guilt trip ..the whole show. Threatened divorce and movin back to her mom.
I told her I would help her pack. After I got back from 'the cruise.'
Saturday nites .. I cruised .. did it before she met me, was my one night a week entertainment to keep me 'sane' ..and if she wanted a poodle to sit in her lap, then go get one.
-GE
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I think you stand a reasonable chance. Figure out or recall what turns her on. Work it hard but don’t show desperation; show confidence and happiness. Exercise more and get in better shape. Shower and shave more; dress better.
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what GE said. sometimes you just have to say don't let the door hit you in the bellybutton on the way out. it works.
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Originally posted by lazs2
not to make light of it but.. The first divorce is the hardest.
If you have to change to much about yourself in order to keep her... it won't work.. you will resent having to do so and it will show eventually.
women also work on a different clock... when they feel the blush coming off the rose they get a little desperate... they figure they better get busy if they aren't absolutely happy in evey respect... they want to catch mr right before gravity catches them.
lazs
I find myself pretty much in agreement with Laz on this.
Claim is that it's the females that start divorces most often in most countries.
Silly really, or at least IMHO it is, IMO they've been programmed by the womens libers and the media to think that they must be HAPPY all the time. So romance, gifts, and constant special treatment SEEM to be required for American females now. Or it's bye-bye time. And the way the courts SEEM to work they're taking allot with them. Not saying all are this way by any means.
Wasn't that long ago when being content was sufficent. There are still quite a few that SEEM to look at life and living with a, IMO, more realistic view. Happy your on the computer playing a game rather then out drinkin with the guys etc. Happy you care about them and show and tell em from time to time, and don't require attention ALL the time.
I sometimes find myself wondering which is wiser?
Read somewhere that the wise woman builds her house, but the foolish woman plucks it down with her own hands.
Oh well......................... ..... best of luck to you both on this ............
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Originally posted by lasersailor184
[SIZE=8]NO![/SIZE] Bad Rip! Bad!
The moment either of you leave the house (I.E. Move out for trial seperation) it is known as abandonement in the court system. The person who is abandoned then gets to butt rape the other person in the divorce.
What ever you do, don't move out. Ever. Even if you're on the brink of killing her.
Of course, it's OK if SHE moves out. Nothing wrong about that, right? :aok
the man is right.
I have received the same advise from someone with a bunch of letters along with his name
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Originally posted by wrag
I find myself pretty much in agreement with Laz on this.
Claim is that it's the females that start divorces most often in most countries.
Silly really, or at least IMHO it is, IMO they've been programmed by the womens libers and the media to think that they must be HAPPY all the time. So romance, gifts, and constant special treatment SEEM to be required for American females now. Or it's bye-bye time. And the way the courts SEEM to work they're taking allot with them. Not saying all are this way by any means.
Wasn't that long ago when being content was sufficent. There are still quite a few that SEEM to look at life and living with a, IMO, more realistic view. Happy your on the computer playing a game rather then out drinkin with the guys etc. Happy you care about them and show and tell em from time to time, and don't require attention ALL the time.
I sometimes find myself wondering which is wiser?
Read somewhere that the wise woman builds her house, but the foolish woman plucks it down with her own hands.
Oh well......................... ..... best of luck to you both on this ............
very true. I don't get my wife anything for christmas, her birthday, mother's day, none of the designated special days. this started entirely accidentally early on in our relationship. when she howled because I forgot some significant day and my response was I don't believe any one day is any more significant than another. in time as I came across good deals I'd get her stuff and say here happy thursday. it has worked out real well for us, she tells her friends she likes the "surprise christmas present" much better. I still get her stuff though, I like to. it makes me feel more providerly.
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Originally posted by Gunthr
Eskimo, please don't project your personal problems on Flit; the guy has enough to deal with right now... . I suggest that you yourself would probably be happier if you get a personal trainer, a dietician and a hygeneist. Thank you.
lol -what he said, I'm not in bad shape by all means, I own and run a Karate school:D
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Originally posted by Flit
lol -what he said, I'm not in bad shape by all means, I own and run a Karate school:D
wow. tough row to hoe but very rewarding in other than financial considerations. what style?
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Originally posted by Recap
Been there done that. Knew things could have been better and would have worked on things if told she wasn't happy. Some people are so conflict avoident that they would rather just ignore the problem until it's too late. Atleast yours didnt just up and one day call you on the phone and say she wanted a divorce and to be out of the house by noon the next day. Best thing that ever happened to me though. Hang in there, it's hell, but gets a lot better.
p.s. spending all your time on the computer means you weren't happy either
I will never understand why when the woman out of the blue says she wants out. Why its the man who leaves.
Screw dat.
I was told that she "didnt think she wanted to be married anymore" and that she thought I "should leave"
My responce. "You want out. You leave. But you leave alone. I dont see why if you want out. I should be the one that gives up everything."
Screw that. She wants out. Let her leave
Seems to me the person that wants out should be the one to leave.
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Originally posted by Flit
The thing that really bugs me is the "I want a trial separation" followed by the "how should we divide our assets". That to me seems to indicate that she has made up her mind. All I can do is continue to love her and hope the spark comes back.
Thanks for all the good wishes, it does make a difference !
women. No offence to the women here.
Really its more of a compliment.
While they often do tricval things on the spur of the moment
Women tend to think major issues through moreso then men. Particularly life changing issues.
They plot and plan.
that is why when women cheat they rarely get caught.
Because they have everything planned out to the last detail before they ever do it.
Where as men. do it, then think about covering their tracks affterwards.
Or men will decide to do something then worry about taking care of the details as they go along
Not that that has anything to do with whats going on here.
The fact she asked you about how to divide your assets doesnt really suprise me. She probably has been thinking of it for a while.
the fact she is willing to seek counceling is a good sign.
Make use of it.
You wioll proably be asked about each others concerns. (complaints)
Dont be afraid to vice them. and dont be afraid to listen either.
Typically what happens is the counceler will ask if you can do this that or the other thing to address her concerns. and her to do the same till the next time you all meet.
Do your part. Then pay attention. without saying anything to her one way or the other if she does the same.
You can tell alot by her actions how serious she is about getting help.
But take a fair look and dont look for absolute perfection.
IF you do that and all you see is a no, or only a half hearted effort on her part. then you know she is only going through the motions just so she can say "she tried"
but keep seeking help so long as she is willing.
Even if it doesnt help her. or you two as a pair. it may end up helping you
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Originally posted by Flit
lol -what he said, I'm not in bad shape by all means, I own and run a Karate school:D
LOL, my bad. I made a general assumption about 45 year old men. Good for you!
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Originally posted by Flit
BTW- I can't seem to remember how to change my sig- a little help please ?
It seem that all of this has brought the sensitive writer/artist in me, and I would like to share some gushy Hiakus ;)
Dude. I know your going through a rough time of it and all
But do somethign else with your sig.
You a little old to be turning into a flowerchild ;)
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Originally posted by storch
wow. tough row to hoe but very rewarding in other than financial considerations. what style?
storch-fu
death by smack talk :)
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Originally posted by storch
wow. tough row to hoe but very rewarding in other than financial considerations. what style?
Korean Karate
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Originally posted by DREDIOCK
Dude. I know your going through a rough time of it and all
But do somethign else with your sig.
You a little old to be turning into a flowerchild ;)
Is this any better ? lol
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Isn't this ironic?
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Originally posted by Flit
Is this any better ? lol
A bit LOL
Feeling a bit philosophical huh
Tis normal.
Songs take on a whole new meaning too
Been there
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well at least you are demonstrating a sense of humor about it. fair haiku btw. would that korean karate be the way of the hand and foot?
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Originally posted by storch
well at least you are demonstrating a sense of humor about it. fair haiku btw. would that korean karate be the way of the hand and foot?
Yes
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Had a meeting with the Paster this evening.
After working myself into a very dark mood all day, it was all gone instantly when my wife showed up for class tonight.
It's amazing, the mood swings I've been having, It's something I've never experienced before.
The meeting went as well as can be expected,as in I want to save the marriage, she does'nt seem to try, but at least she's talking.
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Originally posted by Flit
Had a meeting with the Paster this evening.
After working myself into a very dark mood all day, it was all gone instantly when my wife showed up for class tonight.
It's amazing, the mood swings I've been having, It's something I've never experienced before.
The meeting went as well as can be expected,as in I want to save the marriage, she does'nt seem to try, but at least she's talking.
what your feeling is a chemical imbalance in your brain.
People go through the same type of imbalance when they fall in love as well. Only its a bit more pleasurable then.
Scientifically speaking. Its all in your head LOL
Glad to hear you are trying. Thats all you can do.
Just remember. you can only do your part.
If nothing else. If the worst happpens you leave with a clean concience knowing you did all you could.
Least she showed up.
Whether its just so she can say she "tried" or if she really wants to make it work is on her to do her part.
But at least she showed up
::Edit::
and to be fair
Is it she really doesnt seem to try?
Or is it she just isnt trying the way you want her to?
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No, she's just going through the motions- in her mind, the decision has already been made.
I just need to change her mind
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Originally posted by Flit
No, she's just going through the motions- in her mind, the decision has already been made.
I just need to change her mind
Like you know I've always said.
"Be tenacious" in your mission :aok