Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => Aces High General Discussion => Topic started by: Big Mickey on December 23, 2006, 12:38:53 AM
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It was mid afternoon at our airfield on this new front. "Das Pizza" it was named by the Field Marshals, a bad attempt to show camaraderie with out Italian brothers in arms. I was relaxing in the sun waiting for the chance to take to the sky again when I heard the field phone ringing.
The ringing of that phone always made my hair stand on end. I knew what was to come. The Brits must be making another push. Soon I would be in the skies to face the slaughter. The alarm sounded and I climbed up on the wing of my 190. The butcher bird it had been aptly named. I slid the canopy back and had one leg in the cockpit when I heard that fatal word...HALT!!!
"Not Again!!!' I thought to myself.
I turned to see Hanz, the operations officer of the squadron.
"Vhat is it zis time" I blurted out.
"It's Hauptman Eny again sir" He replied.
This made my hair stand even more on end! You see Hauptman Eny was a strange creature. He was lost in a time warp and thought that he was still back in his DR1 in the Great War. He clung to this crazed notion of chivalry and believed that this new air war should be fought in a fair and gentlemanly manner. Fighting fair in war...what a completely absurd idea.
"Vat does he vant dis time!!!" I said trying to disguise my utter disgust for the man.
"He say ve are outnumbering za British on za Pizza front and so you can't fly ze 190's" Hanz replied.
"Not again!!!" I screamed. "Vhat does he vant me to fly now....zat out dated Shtuka!!!”
I cringed when I heard his reply...."Yavol Herr Big Mickey"
“This man was truly nuts” I though to my self. But with the fatherland to save it was my only option.
I climbed into the outdated coffin and headed for the runway. Not even a gunner on this hop as Hauptman Eny was insistent that his “fairness doctrine” be followed. I taxied to the runway and took to the skies.
I headed south as the call had come in from the Kriegsmarine at Port 31... "Multiple enemy aircraft inbound" As I climbed out I pulled the newest fatherland technology out of my breast pocket. Technology built by the finest scientific minds in all of the Reich. A new device made to inspire bravery pilots as they took to battle..... The EinzenPodden!!! I placed the hearing devices into my ear canal and was inspired by Wagner. Yes "The Ride of the Valkyries" to inspire me into battle!!! This EinzenPodden was worth its weight in gold.
While winging to the battle I had a fine sausage sandwich, 3 ginger snaps and a bottle of beer. I then proceeded to read 4 chapters of Mien Kampf, played 6 games of solitaire, wrote a letter home to the Frau Heidi, did the 99 bottles of beer thing 7 times.... you see the fancy schancy Shtuka don't know the meaning of the word Schnel, if you getten mien driften!!!
By now I was half way to Port Facility 31. My EinzenPodden cut out and a voice came over the radio.
"Herr Big Mickey" the voice said "There is a bigger group of enemy aircraft hitting the vehicle facility to the west, you are ordered to intercept them by Hauptman Eny!!"
"Yavol!!" I replied and banked my trusty Shtuka to the right....
"Ohhhhhhhhhh 99 bottles of beer on the wall 99 bottles of beer......."
47.5 minutes later I could see the faint outline of the vehicle facility, and 4 small dots in the sky above it.
"Finally" I said out loud "It's time to take the fight to these Limey bastages!!!"
I pushed on the throttle to the stops to gain more speed..... Nothing happened of course. I quickly jinked to the left to avoid a flock of migrating geese that were overtaking me on the starboard side.
"Damn that was close" I thought.
With the foul creatures (pun intended) speeding away from me, my intercept path was now clear!! Once again I jabbed at the throttle to gain more speed...."OW!!! That hurt, note to self, already at full throttle!!!"
The enemy aircraft came into view. 1....2....3 formations of Lancaster’s. I quickly glanced at the ammo gauge and it read "Full of BB's"
Excellent I thought, enough to wound one of those Brits and I got a spare roll from the Daisyshlofen ammo company behind the seat.
One formation was lower than the other so I picked it as my target. I dove down 1000 meters to gain speed and watched the airspeed indicator increase by 1 KPH. Just what I needed to zoom up (Well maybe not zoom but you get the idea) and hit the poor soul in the weak under belly.
I immediately knew that he spotted me as he salvoed his bomb load in an open field and started to go vertical. Now was my chance. I pulled up and set my sights on the lead bomber...as I gently pulled the trigger I saw chutes erupting from all three bombers in the formation!!!! The ominous presets of the Shtuka struck such fear in them that they all bailed out!!!
I quickly dove to gain speed as I spotted a Spitfire high above me. I must go on the defensive now. Time to do that fighter pilot stuff I had trained for!!.
I headed straight for the deck and spotted 3 enemy M8's and one M16 inbound to the vehicle base. No time for them I have to get prepared for the SPIT!!! Tracer fire erupted from the M16. Triple A was all around me...
“Dweebenkoffen” I though to myself....”silly Dweebenkoffen.” Don’t they know I am not interested in them? I’m a fighter pilot!!
I pulled into the oncoming Spit and pulled on the trigger. I employed the time honored Dweebenkoffen HO tactic. I knew that Hauptman Eny would not approve. But this was war damn him!!! War!!!
The spit passed by me at blazing speed. I could see the pilot inside and noticed that he too had something in his ear canals. Could it be that the Brits had stolen the EizenPodden technology!!! Is this foe of mine being inspired by "All Hail Britannia" or "God Save the King" on stolen Reich technology!!! No this could not be!!!
I was so shocked by this observation that I forgot to release the trigger. I had expended all of my BB's. I was now in a very bad spot. I had backed myself into a corner with only 2 options....run....or attempt a reload while engaged with this Spit. I quickly came to my senses as the image of passing geese flashed in my mind....damn....only one option....reload!
I grabbed for the BB container stored behind my seat as I came over the top of my 3 meter zoom climb. That's roughly 10 feet for the Yanks that only use the term meter when refering to a ski jump hill in the Winter Olympics. I placed the container between my teeth as I needed both hands to deploy flaps so as not to shtal my Shtuka. I came over the top and again dove for speed. The dive allowed just enough time to make a funnel with my left hand over the BB loading hole. I poured BB's for all I was worth!!
Instantly I was jolted in my seat as the Spit's concentrated fire hit home. The damned BB's flew everywhere!!! Only half of the BB's went in but it just might be enough!!
The fight slowly worked itself into a battle of rolling scissors. Each of us taking one snapshot after another until finally I had the foe in my sights. 200 meters out and on his tail. I pulled on the trigger and watched as 4 BB's slowly rolled out of the barrels. "Oh Hell" I thought, the flippin CO2 cartridges had run dry!!
I quickly grabbed the manual air pump handle and started pumping.....and pumping....pumping some more......more pumping....There GOT IT!!!
"Where's the Spit!?!?" was the thought that went through my mind as my starboard wing let loose at the root.
The war was over for me as I floated down in my chute and was captured by the British ground forces. Now I sit out the remainder of the war in this small cell. They have put me in with an Italian bloke (not really sure what a “Bloke” is but they say that a lot here in jolly ole England) who blathers on and on about how he misses Pizza. The word inspires hatred in me as it was the operation that lead to this miserable state of affairs. I miss the Fatherland, my dear Frau Heidi, my German beer, and my long soaks in the mountain hot springs with my sheep.
However there is one thing that brings a smile to this prisoners face. It turns out that the technology of the EinzenPodden is still safe in the Fatherland. It seems these chaps in Brittan have a second rate technology developed in the American Pacific Northwest, they are calling it Zune. Silly Brits…it’ll never work!!
Prisoner 14567Zed Big Mickey
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Thanks for the good read! I especially like the corny accents.
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Eizzenpodden
Haumtpman ENY
Schtal my Schtuka
and the german accents
:rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl
That was awsome Micky...Loved it :aok
I dove down 1000 meters to gain speed and watched the airspeed indicator increase by 1 KPH.
:rofl :rofl
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Originally posted by Big Mickey
It was mid afternoon at our airfield on this new front. "Das Pizza" it was named by the Field Marshals, a bad attempt to show camaraderie
A really bad attempt, because it´s "Die Pizza" in German. :D
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S!
"Full of BB's"
:rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl
You my friend, if not already, need ta be a writer.
S!
BTW, ENY Bytes! :furious
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"EinzenPodden" :lol
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That was one of the funniest things I've read here, and that's saying something. It made me ROFFLE
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:rofl :rofl :rofl :cry :rofl
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Nicely done. Laughed my arse off! :rofl
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Thanks folks. Although obviously an embellished AAR, I did take a Stuka up last night in the MW since I was ENY'ed out of just about anything else. It was quite liberating to just not give a watermelon and run head first into a no win situation. I would recommend it to anyone in need of a little AH therapy.
Big Mickey
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:rofl :rofl :rofl
Don't go taking the first offer for the movie rights! This one has "blockbuster" written all over it!
:rofl :rofl :rofl
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I haven't laughed so hard since I read Tucker Max's Austin road trip story...
BIG
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Dweebenkoffen!!!:lol