Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => Aces High General Discussion => Topic started by: Gianlupo on April 26, 2007, 06:31:36 AM
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... and some time away from sad thoughts.
Anyone can help?
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http://www.tv-links.co.uk/link.do/2/154/403/5492/9674
;) have fun!
Matt
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Ok, in the spirit of this thread... here ya go
The sky was dark
the moon was high
we were alone
just her and I
Her hair was brown
her eyes were blue
I knew just what
she wanted to do
With trembling fingers
I did my best
to place my hands
upon her breasts
I knew she was ready
but I didn't know how
it was my first experience
in milking a cow!
:rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl
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Thank you, gents. :)
Keep 'em coming!
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Leroy was driving a truck hauling cars
Going down the road his headlight flickered and went out
Standing in the front thinking on what to do, he looked up
The car on top was facing the way he was going
He climbed up and turned the headlights on, hmmm can see a mile
While driving he said they should put all headlights that high
Seen a car in the distance go bouncing off through the field, he pulled over
Walked up to the car and asked what happened
The lady said “if you were half as wide as you were tall I was going to give you plenty of room”
Gianlupo
spiker
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists .... Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
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Oldman731
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There was a young man looking to buy a motorcycle, and after weeks of looking through the papers he finally found one that looked too good to be true.
He called the seller up, and went to check it out.
When he got there the motorcycle was sitting in the guys front yard and it was beautiful. Black and chrome and everything he was looking for.
The seller tells him "I can tell you really like her, and being that i'm really desperate for money right now, i'll let her go for $3,500."
The young man is shocked, pulls out $3,500 in cash and pays the man.
Before he takes off the seller says,"The only thing i ask is that you keep it in as good condition as i did. If you've noticed how bright and shining the chrome is, it's because of a little trick i learned. Whenever i know it's going to rain, i rub vaseline all over the chrome so the water beads off. So as a an extra gift, here's a a little tube of vaseline ."
The young guy takes the vaseline puts it in his breast pocket, thanks the man, and drives off to his girlfriends parents house for dinner.
His girlfriend meets him outside and tells him how nice it is to see him.
He's a little nervous, this being the first time he's having dinner there.
She tells him not to worry, but there is one thing that he should know.
Her family has a wierd rule, that whoever talks during dinner MUST wash ALL the dishes.
He says ok, and they go inside.
As soon as he walks in, he notices dirty dishes EVERYWHERE, and stacked from floor to cieling in some corners. He thinks, this is wierd, but my girlfriend is really hot and i like her so I won't say anything.
Later on at dinner, it is as she said. Dinner is served, and everyone is eating, without a single word being uttered.
He looks over at his girlfriend, in her short skirt, and puts his hand on her knee under the table. Her father see's this and doesn't say a word.
So throwing caution to the wind he picks up the daughter and they do there thing right there on the table.
About five minutes later, he looks at her mom, and can see why his girlfriend is so beautiful. So this time, he puts his hand on the mothers knee, and the father still doesn't say a word. So he picks up the mom, and they have at it on the table too!
A little while later, he looks out the window over the fathers shoulder and notices the huge rain clouds coming closer, and starts to think of his new bike and what the guy he bought it from told him about the chrome.
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the little tube of vaseline and is just about to get up to go outside when the father stands up and yells,
"FUG THIS, I'LL DO THE FREAKIN DISHES!'
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A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the
street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot
her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to
leave the bullets in because it was too risky to
operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and
a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter
walked into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,"
replied the daughter.The mother told her it was okay and explained what
happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the
room in tears.
"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained
what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in
tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what
happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," he said, "I was playing with myself and I
shot the dog."
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On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their
teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?.
"No," said the little boy. . . "It's a puppy!"
:D
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A guy walks in to the shrinks office wearing nothing but plastic wrap around his waste, the shrink stops him and says " i'll tell ya right now buddy, I can see your nuts !"
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While riding the range one day, a ventriloquist Bish met an Rook riding along with a dog and a sheep and decided to have some fun with him.
Bish: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rook: "Dog no talk."
Bish: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' good."
Rook is shocked . . .
Bish: "Is this Rook your owner?" pointing at the Rook.
Dog: "Yep"
Bish: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He lets me run free twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rook has a look of total disbelief.
Bish: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rook: "Horse no talk."
Bish: "Hey horse, how are you?"
Horse: "Good."
Bish: "Is this your owner?" indicating the Rook again.
Horse: "Yep"
Bish: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me under a tree to protect me from the rain." Rook stares in utter amazement.
Bish: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Rook: "Sheep is liar!"
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A vicar in a small country village had three beautiful young daughters aged 17, 16 & 15. He'd raised them in a very strict & sheltered manner and was outraged when he heard rumours in the village that some of his daughters had been seen romping naked in a barn with local farmer's lads.
Furious, he summond the girls to stand outside his study, determined to find and punish the culprits.
He ordered the eldest, a willowy brunette, into his study. Dropping his trousers, he put his tackle on the desk in front of him and asked her what it was.
"A noodle, father" she replied.
"Out of my house" he shouted, "and never darken these doors again!"
She ran sobbing from the room.
He then ordered the 16 year old, a beautiful redhead, into the study.
Again he dropped his trousers, put his tackle on the desk, and asked her what she could see.
"A noodle, father" she replied.
"Out of my house and never darken these doors again!" he yelled.
She ran sobbing from the room.
Finally and desparately he ordered his youngest daughter in. Only 15, blonde and looking as innocent as a baby. Terrified he might lose his remaining daughter he dropped his trousers again.
"What is this daughter?" he asked.
"I don't know father" she replied.
Thank heavens, he thought - a pure and innocent one.
"This, my daughter, is a noodle"
"Oh!" she replied, "like a dick but smaller."
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Thank you, gents, thank you so much. :)
You're helping me a lot in a bad day.
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A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
"Can you hear me NOW?"
"You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
"If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
"Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
"Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
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Well hope this helps
Life outside Tank Town (http://media.putfile.com/Aces-High-II-28)
if you havn't seen it already
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Originally posted by Gianlupo
Thank you, gents, thank you so much. :)
You're helping me a lot in a bad day.
i know what that can be like im having oneof those days myself ....so here goes
A manwalks into the barbershop andasks how long is the wait for a haircut...the barber says 1 hour, the guy says great and leaves
The next day the same guy comes in and asks the same question and the barber says itll be about 45 min. the guys says good and leaves
The day after that the same guy comes in and asks how long it will take and the barber says 30 min. the guy says ok and leaves..
The barber decides to ask his freind to follow the man to figure out where he keeps going. Suddenly the freind rushes into the barber shop about 30 min later with an awkward look on his face......he said i dont know how to tell you this but everyday after that fellow left here....
He went to your house to see your wife. :D:(
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A teacher in a Canadian school announces that it's time for students to tell the class a little bit about their fathers. She calls on Johnny.
Johnny says: "My dad bartends at a gay bar and goes out into the alleyway to have sex with men for money."
Dead silence in the classroom. The teacher quickly gives assignments to the other children, then, when they are busy, draws Johnny aside and says: "Johnny, your father doesn't REALLY do that, does he?".
Johnny replies: "Naw. He really plays hockey for the Toronto Maple Leafs. I just didn't want to be embarassed in front of the class"
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An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her
horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have
to issue you a warning. You have a broken
reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I
get home."
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like
the way that one rein loops across the horse's
back and around one of his balls. I consider that
animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have
your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her
husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I'm not sure, Jacob...something about the
emergency brake..."
Regards...
Bob/CHECKERS
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Why are you sad Gianlupo? :(
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They outlawed spinach pie? :confused:
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Oh man there's some good ones in this thread :rofl
Cheer up, Gian! "Every day is good if it's spent above ground."
(Had Chinese food today :D )
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Humor from my neck of the woods...
A Tennessee family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building. They were amazed by everything they saw -- especially the "magic machine" at one end of the lobby.
The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I ain't never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed interest, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small lighted room with no windows. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch as the circles lit up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go git yer Maw."
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What do the Starship Enterprise and a roll of toilet paper have in common?
They're both headed for Uranus to wipe out the Klingons.
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There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:
The Presbyterian Church , the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church, the
Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.
Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do
about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they
Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they
shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..
In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the
baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery
and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there
were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a
position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the
Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days
later, the squirrels were back.
But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective
solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of
the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter
Not much was heard about THE JEWISH SYNAGOGUE, but they took one
squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision..... they
haven't seen a squirrel on the property since...
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A guy walks into a bar noticeably upset and orders a shot of tequila and a beer. The bartender serves him take the shot and slowly drink the beer. In 5 minutes he orders another round of tequila and another beer.
The bartender finally has to ask
"Hey pal something bothering you?"
"Yes but it's pretty painful to talk about"
"Well sometimes talking helps too"
"Ya *sigh* you're right. I came home early from work today and caught my wife in bed with my best friend"
"THATS TERRIBLE... what did you do"
"Well what anybody would do I threw her out and told her to stay out of my life forever"
"Well that's understandable, what did you do to your best friend"
"Oh I told him to leave with her... *sigh* man I'm going to miss that dog"
:D
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Originally posted by Furball
Why are you sad Gianlupo? :(
Nothing without remedy, Furball, but, right now, I'm feeling really blue. Thanks to you all, fellow pilots, this is a wonderful community, thanks for the jokes and links, I've really appreciated both.
<<>>
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Much like Al Gore on the Internet, I take full credit for making Gian feel a little better, even though I had nothing to do with it...
:noid
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I got hit by a dumbtruck once:(
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Ironically, I bet it "smarted"....
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My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce
started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final,
later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was
piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern
Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the
Beach House this weekend.
The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying
a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions
while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on
board. No one on the ground was injured.
Photograph below was taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her
aircraft.
She was very lucky.
(http://home.rgv.rr.com/casamyers/broom.jpg)
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Lol, culero! :)
Krusty, I give you full credit for my partial recovery, let me know when you'll candidate yourself to presidential vote! :D
Superdud.... I understand many things now.... :noid
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Originally posted by culero
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce
started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final,
later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was
piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern
Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the
Beach House this weekend.
The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying
a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions
while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on
board. No one on the ground was injured.
Photograph below was taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her
aircraft.
She was very lucky.
(http://home.rgv.rr.com/casamyers/broom.jpg)
:rofl :lol :rofl :eek:
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Originally posted by BaldEagl
What do the Starship Enterprise and a roll of toilet paper have in common?
They're both headed for Uranus to wipe out the Klingons.
i thought it was that they go where noman has gone before
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Originally posted by Oldman731
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists .... Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
ROFLMFAO :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl
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Originally posted by Krusty
Ironically, I bet it "smarted"....
:rofl :rofl :rofl
That one made my day :lol
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A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says " Hey! a grasshopper! we have a drink named after you".
The grasshopper says "What, you have a drink named Henry?"
RTR
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http://youtube.com/watch?v=xHklGtW3rwU
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"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree. "You can blame this on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears. Full of mischief, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"
'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!" He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had woke up and come sneakin' up behind Daddy. Then we all looked on plumb helpless old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy's behind!
"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"
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First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow and dug around. He then withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
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This is a challenge to everyone.
English Lesson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Oo0aFG1TbQ
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EXTENDED English lesson (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJ-ac-uVaFA)
(members only :) )
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CP2RuwKQv6g
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB3YBJCFZ9g
Ciao Gianlupo, se non ridi con questi....;)
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Ciao Nibbio, grazie! :)
Veramente incredibili quei soggettoni! E poi il link con Giurato era proprio lì a portata di mano.... :D
Translation:
Hi Nibbio, thank you!
Really weird people there! And the link with Giurato's video was right there, at a stone's throw....
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Gianlupo, I might have to run for Prime Minister in Italy! Just so I can petition to ban all spinach pies!
Is the title President, Prime Minister, or something else? Does one need to be a native-born Italian?
Oh, and do the women there flock to men of power?
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All women do, K. :)
The official title sounds something like "President of the Council of Ministers", but it is often referred to as Premier or Prime Minister. You need to be a citizen, not necessarly native-born.
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A horse walks into a bar
bartender says.....Whats with the long face
Muhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one killz me
Pipz
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I laugh at that scene in Shrek 2 where the Ugly Stepsister tends bar, turns to Donkey and says "Why the long face?"
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Originally posted by Oldman731
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
Voss unavilable?
Ok, here's one I found on the inside of a P.J. O'Rourke Book:
It was the middle of the Depression, and a young man had left his family's farm to look for work in the big city. He stood by the side of the highway with his thumb out, hoping to get a ride.
A big red sedan stopped next to him, and a fat man in a suit asked him, "Son, are you a Democrat or a Republican"?
"A Democrat!" the boy said proudly.
And the car drove away in a burst of gravel.
A few minutes later, another car stops, this time an old green Ford driven by a little old lady. She points her round glasses at the young man and asks, "You a Republican or a Democrat?"
"I'm a Democrat, ma'am," replies our polite hero.
And she drives off just as quickly as the fat man did.
Now, this happens several more times, until our young man decides that maybe it's time to switch his political allegiance, just to get somewhere. So, when a cream-colored roadster pulls up, driven by a gorgeous blonde, he's ready with his new answer.
"Did you vote for Roosevelt?" the blonde asks him.
"No way!" he replies. "I'm a Republican!"
"Well, climb in," the blonde tells him, and he scrambles into the passenger seat, dropping his battered cardboard suitcase behind him.
The blonde pulls out, and hits the gas. The wind blows her hair out behind her face as the car picks up speed, and her thin blouse settles back further on her shoulders, drawing the boy's eye to her cleavage. She moves her legs to shift, and her skirt starts sliding up her long, gorgeous legs.
The boy swallows hard, then shouts: "Stop the car! Let me out! I've only been a Republican five minutes and I already want to screw someone!"
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Originally posted by DarkS1ar
Well hope this helps
Life outside Tank Town (http://media.putfile.com/Aces-High-II-28)
if you havn't seen it already
that is freaking hilarious!!!
i laughed so hard i cried.
my favorite part is the one where he blows the plane up with flak, then returns to the front view and a few seconds later the pieces of the plane hit the ground in front of the tank, followed closely by the slow-mo of the la-7 being destroyed piece by piece.