Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Gunslinger on May 15, 2007, 06:53:32 PM
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So I realized today I don't have a certain defense mechanism. That would be one for my heart being broken. I absolutly do not know how to deal with it. To make matters worse I am supressing it and wanting to go back to work as I have two weeks off. The only other defense I have I KNOW will not last and that is to consume mass quantities of alcohol. It's only worked a little so far.
Mrs. Gunslinger informed me today that after 5 years of marriage she has found another and moved one. She didn't "mean for this to happen" it just did. I am moving out of our house one way or another June 15th and have no clue what to do with myself. Everything I've ever done for the last 5 years has allways been for "them" (by them I mean my wife and kid and stepdaughter that I love as my own).
I seriously don't know how to deal with this. There is nothing in my inventory that is registering as it's been a LONG LONG time since I've had my heart stepped on like this. My life thus far has allways involved a manual to deal with contingencies and there is none that I can see when it comes to this. My life thus far as allways been about "them." I don't make any decisions without thinking about them.
I havn't even gotten to the house that we've both owned for a year now and the fact that the housing market sucks ass. I know a few guys that are looking for roomates but she seriously thinks that she can pay the bills once I'm gone working as a full time bartender.
On the positive I'm only 29 (30 in june) So it's not like i'm not marketable but seriously, I don't want to date. I don't want those constant insecurities in life. This just really sucks and I have no way of dealing with it........
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:( Better to find out now, than when you're in your 50's.
Good luck on the mend.
:aok
*coming up on 30 years married in August. Takes commited work on both sides, and a lot of "Yes dear you're right" from me.*
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If I can offer any advice from my father's marriage/divorce, it would be this: No matter what happens, don't move out until you are divorced. The act of "Moving Out" even in a trial separation is a major holding piece on which you will get screwed out of everything for "Abandoning the Family."
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Guns
Don't do the booze. Find something to take your mind off it.
Call up old buddies or work budies and go do stuff.
Time is what you need.
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I can't find words to express my sympathies for your pain. Please just remember, better days always follow the sad times, and you will smile, laugh and love again.
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I don't imagine it's ever good advice to send someone out on a Bender, but really... get a friend and a bottle. Tomorrow morning perhaps you'll be so worried about whether or not your going to actually die, that you may momentarily forget about your broken heart. Though, it'll be waiting for you once the vomiting stops.
And for god's sake, don't do it alone.
-Sik
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if you aren't an alcoholic Gunslinger, maybe go on one bender if you think it will help you get your feelings out, but put the bottle away after that, it will only compound your problems. stay out of trouble.
don't worry about your defense mechanism, worry about your kid's. actually, you ARE your kid's defense mechanism - that is your job - so hang on to your dignity and self respect so your kid can see what a father is.
get a lawyer immediately, good luck and best wishes.
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I really don't know what to say man. Wish I did. Your child is obviously the priority now, and yourself. I have friends that have gone through a divorce and from what I've seen try to keep it cool, but be aware you have rights in all of this and you have to be focused on those as of today, as hard as it may be. You have to stay even with or be ahead of the curve as this rolls down hill. Lawyer up. Focus on the mission.
Charon
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Damn... I don't know what to say... My parents divorced when I was 18 after being married for 19 years. I've been married for 24.
I think Laser is right. Don't do ANYTHING until you speak to a lawyer. Don't move. Don't concede anything. You must go into asset protection mode.
I'm not sure how the laws work in Texas, but in California with children involved, you go to court to limit the financial damage. As a male, you can't win.
Consider yourself financially under siege. Control the damage.
I think your kids are young, so I don't think they'll feel betrayal, but they fear abandonment. I can say at 18, my father and I were rather estranged until I was over 20. I was pissed off at him. Different situation so not relevant.
Your children love you. They will no matter what happens.
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They give good advice, talk to a lawyer before you do anything. I know it sucks and it hurts, but there are kids involved and you have to suck it up and do what you gotta do. You can drown your sorrows another time
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Been there..... It hurts for a while bro and nothing not even a long bender can stop that from happening..
My son was two when me and my wife split up and what I focused on was simple "he is my son and always will be"..
I spent every minute I could with him and that should be your focus.. this is not about you, or your wife this is about your children... You will repair, revive and overcome.. The transition for children is much harder they are not as adaptable.. So focus yourselves on what is best for the children..
However as pointed out you have a serious financial issue at this point that you need to consider. I know at this point you could probably care less as this is not your focus but you have to keep this in mind.. Spousal support and child support can be financially devastating to you for many years to come up to and through college.. Get yourself some legal representation or at least advise ASAP.. Call an attorney NOW!!!.
I will not sugar coat this for you at all brother this is going to suck and will be the hardest thing you have ever dealt with.. BUT although you may not be able to see even a small pinsalamander of light there is light at the end of this tunnel.. You will get there and you will be OK in the end.
I wish you the best and nows the time to show you are a parent and not just a father.. BE strong if not for you for your little ones..
P.S. As hard as this may be try and not fight in front of the kids especially where there are accusations of blame "this is your fault you are the one who...." This can and probably will remain imbedded in the minds of your children and can, and quite possibly will, cause resentment towards one particular parent..
Best Wishes..
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That sux real hard Gunslinger. :(
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Guns hang tough Bro.
Don't let self pity over rule. The children are a focus point for you. She left you for another is a sign of a ruthless woman hellbent on making you crumble. Don't give her the benifit of her seeing you crushed.
It may be the BIG SUX now, but in the long run years from now it will be better. No matter what happens stay close to the children. Never bad mouth the EX infront of them. Just be the loving and caring Father.
If she left you for another, she'll do it to the next. You'll find someone better and more deserving.
Mac
"No matter how good she looks or how fun she may seem to be, some guy somewhere is tired of her chit."
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What Sandy said. Now is NOT the time to get on a bender, it can and likely will be used against you.
You have kids and property and a PENSION. Property can be divided, the kids can't. You need competant legal advice then FOLLOW IT!!!!! If you want to retire and be able to live or enjoy your pension you need to work to protect it NOW!!! Get the Lawyer ASAP.
Cancel EVERY credit card you both have, NOW today. Sign up for your own bank account and have your check direct deposited to it ASAP. Lock every joint account you have and pull your half of savings now or it will be gone. Remember your wife has had this on her mind for some time so she may have already taken steps to clean you out. She wants out so tell her she can leave, but the kids stay. GET LEGAL ADVICE NOW!!!
You are in for a big fight if you want to maintain a relationship with your kids. The kids are now your #1 priority to protect what you have wth them and to maintain contact.
FWIW, the pain will ease, it will take time. Later on, should you do things right, you may find that this was a big boost to the rest of your life. There is life after divorce.
PM me if you need to talk.
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I am a veteran of these things and all I can tell you is that it will get better till one day you realize how lucky you are to be rid of her.
Until then... it is painful.. I feel for ya but you need to go through it. You will be stronger next time.
Try and get things split fairly now while she is feeling guilty and try to get everything settled without a lawyer.
Oh... it is as least twice as hard to deal with if you have kids.
lazs
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Man I feel your pain. I went through almost the same thing last year. Although mine didn't leave me for someone else, she still decided it was time for me to go after 12 years. It was like getting shot in the guts.
The only advice I can give you is this. Get a lawyer before you do anything else and get some sound legal advice. Concentrate on your kids and be there for them as much as possible. Don't discuss anything with your wife if the kids are around, and go find a counselor to sit down and talk with.
Talking to your friends is fine but a counselor is going to be more prepared to deal with the emontional issues your going to be facing. It sucks but if I hadn't sought counseling after my wife and I seperated I don't know what would have happened. I probably would have gone off the deep end.
There are allot of resorces you can tap into for help. Don't try to be "the man" and handle all this on your own. It's way to easy to end up doing something stupid that will come back to bite you if you try to go it alone.
Last of all, stay out of the bottle. That's an easy trap to fall into. I know because I did it and I almost screwed myself because of it. Go to the gym instead. Dealing with the anger is going to be tough but it's better to beat the crap out of a punching bag in a gym than getting drunk and putting your fist through a wall, or worse, someones face.
I wish you the best of luck. It's a crappy hand you've been dealt but get the help you need, stay close to your kids, family, and freinds and you'll be OK.
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Hang in there man. Its tough, but things will get better. Who knows, in a couple months you may find its the best thing that could have happened.
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1- don't get drunk open a book instead
2- don't move
3- be perfect, all will be potentially used against you
3- get a lawyer
good luck
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I hear everyone saying get a lawyer but neither one of us can afford a lawyer.
I am moving out next month one way or another. We've verbally decided what bills each is taking and I told her we should get it in writing.
I called a realter and he said it would not be worth it to sell the house or refinaince it as there is very little equity in it.
She's "moved on" I need to as well. I went on a little bender last night but woke up this morning and went on a 4 mile run before going to my 1st Sgt and supervisor and keep them in the loop.
Then I went and talked to a shrink and she helped give me some good advice. Everyone I know is telling me to go into self preservation mode.
I'm opening up a new checking account today and told her we will keep the joint one because it is attached to the mortgage. I just got done changing my passwords on a bunch of other stuff as well.
She wants me out and I am miserable being around her.
We dont even get to have break up sex :(
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Originally posted by Gunslinger
I hear everyone saying get a lawyer but neither one of us can afford a lawyer.
You can't afford not to have one, it doesn't cost much if anything just to explain your situation and ask how much
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Sorry Gunslinger, chin up, i am sure everything will work out well in the long run
:(
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Originally posted by Gunslinger
I hear everyone saying get a lawyer but neither one of us can afford a lawyer.
I am moving out next month one way or another. We've verbally decided what bills each is taking and I told her we should get it in writing.
I called a realter and he said it would not be worth it to sell the house or refinaince it as there is very little equity in it.
She's "moved on" I need to as well. I went on a little bender last night but woke up this morning and went on a 4 mile run before going to my 1st Sgt and supervisor and keep them in the loop.
Then I went and talked to a shrink and she helped give me some good advice. Everyone I know is telling me to go into self preservation mode.
I'm opening up a new checking account today and told her we will keep the joint one because it is attached to the mortgage. I just got done changing my passwords on a bunch of other stuff as well.
She wants me out and I am miserable being around her.
We dont even get to have break up sex :(
I've never been divorced but a cousin of mine went through something similar to what you describe. she went and got a lawyer, he thought he couldn't afford one. they had one child together and she had two in tow from her previous victory over some other poor working guy. today she gets better than 50% of his salary and he lives in a beer can on some trailer park place that is so third world like it's amazing. between what she gets in child support from the first dude and alimony plus child support from my cousin she doesn't work. I don't believe you cannot afford not to get a lawyer. you may be forced to maintain her at her current lifestyle which means you can't afford to find the next one who might be the one. get a lawyer son, it's the most effective way out of or around the forthcoming problem.
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Originally posted by Gunslinger
I hear everyone saying get a lawyer but neither one of us can afford a lawyer.
Guns,
Get some time off work and go see the base legal folks. You can't afford NOT to get a lawyer. No shxt you really need legal protection. If she's the kind of person who would f**k someone behind your back and then leave you, she's the kind of person who would take advice from the rat bastard she was f**king and take the kids, the house, and all the money.
Do NOT "agree" to ANYTHING. Seriously. She lied to you and is already stealing your life, so you can NOT trust her about ANYTHING. As others have said, anything you say or do will be used against you (remember, no matter what she says NOW, she already lied to you for who knows how long so she's pretty used to telling you lies by now) so you need legal advice and you should not make any kind of agreements with her.
Someone else is pulling her strings (both mental and emotional) now and it's not you, and she has demonstrated that you can not trust anything she says or does. It sucks to find out that you can't trust someone you've loved for so long, but that's how it is when your wife cheats on you and then ditches you. She is no longer anything but a potential threat because she already has no real consideration or feelings for you.
I've seen it before a dozen times with other friends... Take my advice, get a lawyer, and do not agree to anything until after you talk to a divorce lawyer.
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BTW, if my wife was f**king someone behind my back, she would be the one moving out. Nobody betrays me and then kicks me out of the house. If she's so hot for some other dude, then SHE can be the one who moves out.
Seriously, if she doesn't want to be around you then make her leave. Why do you have to be the one to move? Why do you give a rats bellybutton about whether she wants you around or not? She's the one who's leaving you, so let her be the one to leave the house. Her forcing you to move out is just her manipulating you into leaving her, so she can justify the breakup in her mind as something that YOU wanted.
I'm not kidding dude. It's your house too, and you have every legal, logical, and emotional right to stay there. She's the betrayer so she should be the one who gets out. If she doesn't want to uproot the kids, they can stay, but she really should be the one who leaves. Don't let her BS you about the welfare of the kids. She already demonstrated she doesn't give a damn about you or the kids, and she's just using that excuse to get a free house. Make her be the one to make the decision.
No kidding, I don't think you should leave. If she wants to leave, fine, but don't let some cheating potato kick you out of your house just because she decided she likes someone else better than you. That's not your problem, it's hers, so let her deal with it.
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Guns, my deepest sympathies are with you man, but I have to totally agree with eagl here...
Originally posted by eagl
BTW, if my wife was f**king someone behind my back, she would be the one moving out. Nobody betrays me and then kicks me out of the house. If she's so hot for some other dude, then SHE can be the one who moves out.
...it sounds like your wife is the one that wants to break up family. She wants to "move on" then she can move the heck on.
Do not agree to anything, you need someone to look out for you your best interests. If you can't afford a lawyer, get a loan, it you can't get a loan, talk to kin or a personal friend.
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Yeah, Guns; it's tough to accept but Eagle is spot on.
Help her pack and call her a taxi. You'll be glad you did, eventually.
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Get a lawyer, get a lawyer, get a lawyer.
You don't have to go to court, you can settle with an arbitrator. But you ABSOLUTELY need to have someone looking over your shoulder giving sound legal advice. You might think you can't afford one now, but you will probably be getting one in the future anyway, and this will be after you've lost ground/legal rights/etc. Just a few hundred $$ to have your property, future salary and your relationship with the kids protected for life.
Don't really want to go into the details on my experiences with this, but what starts out as "let's just settle this between us" can go ugly fast.
Edit: Sorry to keep harping on this, but...don't let your feelings for her and your memory of the relationship get in the way of protecting yourself. It's not being mean or cold-hearted to get a lawyer and define what's yours and what's hers. Document EVERYTHING. If you have access to a photocopier, start copying checks you pay for bills/groceries/kids etc.
Sorry for the loss. Don't worry about finding someone new...it'll just happen. :)
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I beleive her when she says she didn't sleep with the guy. I laid the guilt trip on thick when I explained that she violated her wedding vows by at least opening her heart up to him. Even one of her best friends told me today that you don't "move on" before you end it.
The house.....has zero equity in it....what do I need it for as I can't take care of it nore can I be a parent to my kids with my current job. My kids need this house more than I do.
The divorce and everything we've agreed on is pretty much uncontested. I'm going to write up the decree myself with the help of a friend.
I don't think we are even thinking about the actual divorce right now as I just want out of here. It hurts to be around her and I need my space. I opened up a new checking account today and switched my direct deposit. As of July 1st the house bills are hers, I'm taking most of "My debt" (IE stuff that I brought into the relationship or mostly used myself) It really is time to move on. Other than that she has been forewarned that if she doesn't switch her bills over to her name in june they will be cancled.
In liu of Financial support I am making HER car payment and paying insurance. This I will get in writing and keep the checks every month.
My current grieving state is: Anger
Time to go wash the jeep....again
What's funny is even if she wanted the Jeep under texas laws I bought it before we were married and it's not "comunal property" Time to go be angry.
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Guns, think about this...how would you like to pay for the house untill the kids reach age 18 while she lives in it?
I have seen this type of thing happen over and over, dont be penny wise and pound foolish, get a lawyer.
shamus
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Walk over to her...lightly touch her shoulder....lean in...and whisper in her ear..............Go to he11 you 2 timing sorry POS........I'll see you in court.
Made me feel ALOT better.
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Guns,
There is an old saying that any lawyer who handles their own legal work has a fool for a client. You are starting to prove that saying if you do not get legal advice.
For crying out loud you have legal help available thropugh the Air Force. USE IT before you end up losing your kids. It isn't just the money and property here at risk, it's your kids as well. You need a professionally done and independant legal document for custody, child support and parental rights. You do know that she can get your check garnished for child support. If you are not active in setting it up they will rape you over this. It can be done AFTER the fact here. All she has to do is get a hearing after you get seperated and divorced. If she alleges that you didn't set up child support properly it will be assessed against you late on.
Like others said, you cannot afford to not use a lawyer.
Can you afford to lose your career, your pension, your kids? Divorce is bad, it hurts like hell and it screws up your mind. Get help!!! You need to be protecting your assets, your kids and your future.
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Originally posted by RedTop
Walk over to her...lightly touch her shoulder....lean in...and whisper in her ear..............Go to he11 you 2 timing sorry POS........I'll see you in court.
Made me feel ALOT better.
:rofl
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Originally posted by Gunslinger
I beleive her when she says she didn't sleep with the guy. I laid the guilt trip on thick when I explained that she violated her wedding vows by at least opening her heart up to him. Even one of her best friends told me today that you don't "move on" before you end it.
Another mistake among many. Don't believe anything that comes out of her mouth from this point on.
I know you feel like you just want to move on now, but when you're still getting butt****ed 10 years down the road, you'll regret it.
My dad had some trump cards on my mom, but thought he still loved her and decided not to play them. Now the poker game's over, she has everything, and he's still paying even though he hardly makes 2/3 what she does. He regrets it. Mainly because he lost his family's house in the process.
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Guns, first of all I'm very sorry to hear of your troubles. Life will get better.
(Others have said everything I could better, thus the brevity :( )
Second of all, if you can't see a lawyer on base at least give me a PM and I'll give you the number of the firm I work at... I'll arrange for an attorney to give you some pointers for free. The law in TX is likely different than in CT, but I'm sure they can give you good advice to start with until you can get back on base or find a local attorney.
Either take me up on my offer or find another attorney to speak with, but do it quickly. I don't mean to bum you out, but we have a little saying, "Divorce is easy unless there are kids, in which case it is WW3."
Also, though the phone conversation will certainly be free (hell, I can even call you and say you called us, to save you long distance), you seriously have to find representation. You have no idea how much you will lose if you don't.
Good luck, sir.
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I have an appointment at base legal tommorrow to help me fill out a MARITAL SEPARATION AGREEMENT. I also have a counseling appointment. I have definatly moved into the Anger portion of this process. I'm down right pissed off.
I was actually contemplating opening up a home equity line of credit on the home that I will no longer be living in to help pay for the lawyer. Wouldn't that be funny.
either way I want to leave her well enough that she can care for the kids but not leave her with enough wiggle room to screw me over for the next 13 years.
My brother seems to think I should get out of the military after this tour. He made sense that a retirment isn't worth it when she can go after 25% of it. After taxes and what not that paycheck just doesn't seem that much worth it after 20 years of service. Not to mention it will be hard to be a father to my son. I'm allready screwed if we go to court as I work 18 hour days for 7 weeks strait.
I'm definatly angry. On a positive we don't have much to split but she WILL not be living in this house with my name on the mortgage.
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Good luck man.
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Until she vacates the premises, see if you can find a copy of the old song Thank God And Greyhound She`s Gone. Play repeatedly at high volume.
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Guns, how long have you been married and on active duty? If it's less than ten years for either answer by federal law she can't go after any of your pension.
I've been going through all this myself concerning my medical retirement. My ex is trying to go after it saying we were married for 12 years while I was on active duty and she's entitled to it. My saving grace is my retirement is actually 100% disabiltity pay and she can't touch it. It doesn't even factor into my annual income for child support payments. Needless to say she is pissed but she asked me to leave so screw her.
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Originally posted by Hornet33
Guns, how long have you been married and on active duty? If it's less than ten years for either answer by federal law she can't go after any of your pension.
I've been going through all this myself concerning my medical retirement. My ex is trying to go after it saying we were married for 12 years while I was on active duty and she's entitled to it. My saving grace is my retirement is actually 100% disabiltity pay and she can't touch it. It doesn't even factor into my annual income for child support payments. Needless to say she is pissed but she asked me to leave so screw her.
I was allways told it does not matter how long, she get's a percentage either way.
We've been married 5 1/2 years. only about 15 months of those were not spent on active duty.
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Guns,
Is yer Brother a Lawyer? Afraid not. If you screw yerself out of a Military Retirement benifit then that's just it... You've screwed yerself.
Seek REAL legal advice from JAG and steer away from the chithouse lawyers. In the process change yer Benificiaries so she recieves nothing from yer SGLI. Submit paperwork to have her ID Card revoked and a loss of Base privies. Play it smart, Play it safe.
Good Luck Bro,
Mac
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Gunslinger,
Remember, this will bring you closer to our god.God bless and keep you and I will pray for you and your family.
Respectfully,
wes34th (Bill)
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Like just about everyone else has said get a lawyer!
She has already shown that she can be underhanded. You don't want to find out just how much so in six months.
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Originally posted by lasersailor184
If I can offer any advice from my father's marriage/divorce, it would be this: No matter what happens, don't move out until you are divorced. The act of "Moving Out" even in a trial separation is a major holding piece on which you will get screwed out of everything for "Abandoning the Family."
First of all..... I am very sorry to hear that this is happening to you!
I coudlnt agree with Laser more, been there and seen it. And the bottle isnt the answer!
I dont know what the answer is but its going to be different for everyone. I know when I was dealing with a similar situation I played as much AH as possible and visited a lot of strip clubs which seemed to take my mind off of things! So go ahead and pour yourself in to AH for while and visit a few T-Bars and all will be well before you know it.
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I have to stop talking about it now as this isn't real secure.
All I'm gonna say is thanks for the sincere advice. Message recieved Lima Charlie 5 X 5
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Come up to Austin and we'll hit some Strip clubs! First round is on me!
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Originally posted by Maverick
Guns,
There is an old saying that any lawyer who handles their own legal work has a fool for a client. You are starting to prove that saying if you do not get legal advice.
On point, the WORST Divorce Decree I've ever seen was drafted by an Attorney, doing his own Divorce. I'd guess it would have cost both parties less than $2500 total to get an Attorney on the Front end. Instead, two years later it's cost upwards of $20,000 trying to "fix" it.
Unless you are willing to give up EVERYTHING, you're much better off getting an attorney.
-Sik
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Be angry, be sad...feel all of that crap...use the counselors, your friends, hopefully they'll be there for you. Make them buy the drinks...but don't drown in it.
Heck, go kick a few stray cats if you can find any. I'll send my ex girlfriend's if you need it. :D
Oh....and don't give up on the house, and certainly do not sign anything that implies surrendering your property.
Gainsie