Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: VWE on July 18, 2007, 02:19:20 PM
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A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?
I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, replied the greeter. I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping
at Wal-Mart.
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:rofl
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:rofl
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:rofl :rofl :rofl
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:rofl :rofl :D :rofl :aok :rofl :O :rofl :t
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:rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :aok Nice people, those WalMart greeters.
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For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
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Well, the computer and GM thing is funny, but not accurate, at least to one online source.
Still, it's damn funny.
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:rofl
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A man takes a plane trip and decides to take his parrot with him. The stuardist comes by and asks if he'd like anything to drink, so the man asks for some coffee, then the bird says, "Yeah, and bring me a damn martini." So the woman is offended by the rude bird and forgets the coffee, but brings the martini. So when she gets back to the man he says, "Okay, now can I get my coffee?", and the parrot downs his drink and says again, "Yeah and bring me another damn martini." The woman is angry again and forgets the coffee, again. This time the man thinks that if he's rude like the parrot he can finally get his coffee, so he says, "Get me my damn coffee", and the bird yells for another martini. Well, this time the stuardist is so upset she gets the crew of the plane, who grab the guy and his parrot and throw them out of the plane. As they're falling the parrot starts flapping his wings and says to the man, "You're pretty damn cocky for someone who can't fly."
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A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad for his crimes. The evening before his execution, he was asked what he wanted for his last meal. He refused the meal completely.
The next morning the man was brought before the firing squad. When asked for his last request, the man said he had none. The General in charge of his execution asked him, ''Sir, you refused your last meal and your last request. Isn't there anything you want before you die?''
The man thought for a moment, then said, ''Music has always been an important part of my life. If I could do but one thing before I die, would you allow me to sing my favorite song from beginning to end, without interruption?''
The General thought this was a reasonable request, and ordered his men to lower their weapons and to not interrupt for the duration of the song.
''Ten million bottles of beer on the wall...''
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The Yeller Bellied Redthroat was discovered in a Costa Rican cloud forest, in the canopy of one of the rarest trees on earth. It is the newest species of hummingbird to date, and also the smallest. Still nothing on Osama…
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stuardist
:aok
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A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, 'We have an opening for people like you.'
'Oh, great,' he said, 'what is it?'
'It's called the door!'
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A young ventriloquist is touring through the southern United States and stops to entertain at a small bar in East Tennessee.
He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says, "I've heard just about enough of your smart bellybutton hillbilly jokes. We ain't all stupid here."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart bellybutton little fella on your knee."
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(http://i118.photobucket.com/albums/o109/AHmeatwad/Outland0225.jpg)
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Sorry Texasmom, I have been a BAAAAD meatwad
(http://i118.photobucket.com/albums/o109/AHmeatwad/GirlfriendRemote.jpg)
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During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?' The hubby replied: 'Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life.'
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Soldier Responds to Chelsea Clinton
Did you hear the story about Chelsea Clinton and the soldier who was serving in the Middle East?
Chelsea asked him about fear...
He said there were only 3 things he was afraid of --
"Osama,
(http://www.pifflemag.co.uk/images/newsimages/osama.jpg)
Obama
(http://obama.senate.gov/img/pic_obama_bio.jpg)
and Yo Mama."
(http://gabbyattic.com/truepix/hillary%20clinton.jpg)
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Two East Tennessee hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. 'Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer so the antlers won't dig into the ground.'
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, 'You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!'
The other added 'Yeah, but we're getting farther and farther away from the truck!'
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A blonde goes to a park and grabs a little boy. She writes a note saying "I've kidnapped your son leave. $10,000 under the tree in the park". Being a blonde, however she didn't leave the note there, but on the boy's chest and sent him home. The next day she gets a note with $10,000 saying "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
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A guy walks into a bar in East Tennessee and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.
The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar,
"It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
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An East Tennessee man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready.
The bride comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says, 'Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin.'
The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his father's house.
When he gets there, his father says, 'Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon!'
The son says, 'Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin!'
'God, son! You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her own kin, she sure as heck isn't good enough for ours!'
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:rofl :rofl :aok
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Channel 200.
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Setting: The late 1800's.
A cowboy is riding his horse one day when he comes upon a tribe of Indians, the chief tells the cowboy that he is going to die for all the crimes the white man has committed against the Indians. The chief tells him that they will perform a ceremony first by smoking a pipe before they kill him, so the cowboy asks if he can speak to his horse first, and the chief says yes. So the cowboy goes over and whispers in the horse's ear, and the horse runs off.
A short time later the horse returns with a beautiful blond on it's back, the cowboy asks the chief if since he's going to be killed if he can have sex with her first, so the chief agrees and the cowboy goes to get the girl off the horse, he again whispers in it's ear and it runs off again, so he takes the girl into a tee-pee and has sex with her.
After he finishes he comes out and the horse has again returned this time with a beautiful brunette on it's back. Again the cowboy asks if since he's gonna die if he can have sex with her, and the chief agrees. The cowboy goes over to the horse to get the girl off, and again whispers in it's ear...he says to the horse "Alright listen you deaf MF'er I said posse!".