Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: VWE on July 31, 2007, 05:51:40 AM
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I'm going to the board for Sergeant in country on the 12th of this August, what I need is a good zinger of a joke to tell... just incase I'm asked.
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"Sgt Major did you fart? I smell vasoline"...nah..thats a bad choice:D
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A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. 'I'm afraid I have some very bad news,' the doctor says. 'You're dying, and you don't have much time left.' 'Oh, that's terrible!' says the man. 'How long have I got?' 'Ten,' the doctor says sadly. 'Ten?' the man asks. 'Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!' The doctor interrupts, 'Nine...'
A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice 'JESUS is watching you'. He looks around with his flashlight wondering 'What the HELL was that?' He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice ' JESUS is watching you'. He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks ' Was that your voice?' It said 'YES'. He then says 'What's your name?' It says 'MOSES'. The burglar says ' What kind of person names his bird Moses??' The parrot replies 'THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER 'JESUS'.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
'Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?' he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. 'Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!' Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, 'Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?' The cowboy turned back and said, 'I had to walk home.'
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, donkeys, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil," she responded.
Taking off his hat he said, "Pleased to finally meet you, sir, I married your sister."
There's a few I know.
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Hehe.
Nice. Is this allowed to be a somewhat dirty joke? And how long?
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This is the U.S. Army, 6 Sergeant Majors... all male. So yeah it can be dirty, but I need short like a few lines at most.
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Got a few more that fit that...
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?' The hubby replied: 'Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life.'
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
A blonde goes to a park and grabs a little boy. She writes a note saying "I've kidnapped your son leave. $10,000 under the tree in the park". Being a blonde, however she didn't leave the note there, but on the boy's chest and sent him home. The next day she gets a note with $10,000 saying "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Arnold Swartzeneggar was talking to a Latino group today. He told the group that if they wanted to learn to speak English, they should stop reading foreign newspapers. The Latino group responded, “Tell us how you learned to speak English, and we’ll do the exact opposite.”
Can they make fun of GW?
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Wal Mart Greeter
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into WalMart with
her
two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The greeter said pleasantly 'Good morning, and welcome to WalMart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't.
The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just
couldn't
believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping
at
WalMart.'
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Why did the Baker have brown hands?
Cause he Kneaded a poo!!
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There are these 2 gold fish in a Tank,
one turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
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Originally posted by VWE
This is the U.S. Army, 6 Sergeant Majors... all male. So yeah it can be dirty, but I need short like a few lines at most.
What's the difference between Pink and Purple?
The Grip
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Ha! Thaks a quickie... and Shifty, I posted that joke on these forums about 2 weeks ago.
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what do you say to a lady with no arms and no legs?
:confused:
nice boobs.
:cool:
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Originally posted by VWE
Ha! Thaks a quickie... and Shifty, I posted that joke on these forums about 2 weeks ago.
I never said i was a trend setter. ;)
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Originally posted by JB88
what do you say to a lady with no arms and no legs?
:confused:
nice boobs.
:cool:
you're gonna burn 88, burn I tell ya, burn...... oh and just wait till Texmom see's what you've done,, boy are you in trouble....
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:rofl :rofl
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VWE.
Good luck!
Let us know how your promtion board seesion goes. :aok
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heyyyyyyy
who hacked into my account and posted boob jokes!
:mad:
yay boobs!
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Hey VWE here is some military humor I got sent the other day:
Murphy's Combat Laws
Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations
Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not.
No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
Tracers work both ways.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
Weather ain't neutral.
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
Napalm is an area support weapon.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
The one item you need is always in short supply.
Interchangeable parts aren't.
It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.
If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.
Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we could be out in it.
So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.
The side with the simplest uniform wins...
The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.
The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.
Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games?
How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?
Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?
Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.
The enemy always times his attack, to the second you drop your pants in the Latrine!
The ammo you need now is on the next airdrop!
Murphy's Law
The Army Weather Corollaries
Inclement weather always begins AFTER you've already done PT.
A sudden downpour always occurs at the end of a summer field exercise--just in time coat all your equipment and camouflage with mud.
The best beach weather always occurs when you are in the field wearing MOPP 4.
There is no such thing as a blue sky during a company picnic.
There is no such thing as a cloudy sky when your unit needs to infiltrate enemy territory.
Road conditions are always red when it's time to convoy home.
Motor pools are always 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the post during the summer and 50 degrees colder in the winter.
Army training areas exist in a constant state of weather flux controlled by a deity with a truly cruel sense of humor--How do you think we got them so cheap?
The peak of Mt. Everest would flood if an Army unit was told to set up on it.
Hell really would freeze over if someone decided to conduct an exercise there.
The Port-a-Potty Postulate states that the likelihood of a hurricane, sandstorm, tsunami, or blizzard occurring immediately over your location is directly related to how bad you need to get to the portajohns at the other side of the campsite in the middle of the night.
The temperature always rises to 70 degrees AFTER you put on two layers of polypros, your bear suit, and all of your Gortex.
If you whine about the weather, someone else will always whine louder.
Rules of the Rucksack
1. No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.
2. No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.
3. No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.
4. No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.
Phillip's Law:
Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.
Weatherwax's Postulate:
The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy.
Least Credible Sentences:
1. The check is in the mail.
2. The trucks will be on the drop zone.
3. Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
4. I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.
Brintnall's Second Law:
If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both.
Pavlu's Rules for Economy in Decision Papers:
1. Refute the last established recommendation.
2. Add yours.
3. Pass the paper on.
Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.
Lackland's Laws:
1. Never be first.
2. Never be last.
3. Never volunteer for anything.
Rune's Rule:
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
Law of Supply (also known as the Law of Gifts):
You get the most of what you need the least.
Hane's Law:
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
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:noid
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Originally posted by Airscrew
you're gonna burn 88, burn I tell ya, burn...... oh and just wait till Texmom see's what you've done,, boy are you in trouble....
:rofl :rofl
Oh, I was fixin to say LMAO... :D
Wait, I can change that...
OMG... not again y'all!
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Originally posted by McFarland
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?' The hubby replied: 'Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life.'
Winner! LOL:rofl
Good luck on your board. :aok
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Mary: "my son is in the military."
Joan: "Really? what branch?"
Mary: "Oh he's a drop out."
Joan: "You mean he quit?"
Mary: "No he's a paratrooper"
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Well, I'd stay away from the Murphy's Laws ones, as the CSM's have probably heard ALL of them before you was even born.
A Joke during a board? I've been in front of many an Army board for many a reason over 20 years, but a joke would be a new one for me.
Only advise would be to keep it clean, keep it short, and keep away from anything anti-military or political.
Good luck.
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Saw a couple funnys the other day:
"If everything around is exploding, then it's probably us"
"We don't like collateral damage, but it helps to stay out of the way"
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2 friends standing out side of a prostitutes house. the first guy goes in has his fun then gets out he replies
"ahh shes good but my wife is better" the second guy goes in has his fun then comes out and replies
"man your right your wife is way better!!!
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Guy goes to the dentist for major surgery--"before we give you the gas to put you under, I'll need to numb your gums with Novocaine here.... " "You're gonna feel a little salamander in your mouth for a couple seconds..."
"WHOA right there doc! You're gonna have to give me a LOT more gas before ya try that!"
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A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit
Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to
start with asking for help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.
God Bless America :)
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Just some I've picked up around:
There's a Russian, a Mexican, and Texan stumbling down a large bridge in Texas. As they get about half way, the Russian suddenly cracks open his bottle of Vodka, take a big swallow and throws it over the bridge. He then turns to the other two and says "Where I come from, we have plenty!" The Mexican thinks this is a pretty cool idea, so pops his Tequila open, takes a long swallow, throws it over the bridge and says "Where I come from, we have Plenty!" and laughs with the Russian. Well, the Texan, not to be left out, or out done, pops open his can of Budweiser, takes a long swallow, then grabs the Mexican and throws him over the bridge. "Where I come from, we have plenty!"
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A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the Sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their Heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
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A Mexican, a Texan, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in a plane. The pilot comes over the radio, "Engine three is down, and it will take a while longer to get there, but be prepared for a crash landing." A little while later, he comes over the radio again, "Engine two is down, and we're still too far away to land, only one of us is getting there, three of you will have to jump." Well, the Frenchman jumps first, yelling "Viva la France!" This inspires the Englishman, who then jumps, yelling "God save the Queen!" This really inspires the Texan, so he grabs the Mexican and throws him out yelling "Remember the Alamo!!"
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A German, an American, and a Mexican were in a boat. The boat was old, and soon had a hole in it. They were too far from land to get there, so they had to each chose a thing to throw out. The German grabbed a case of beer and threw it out, saying "In my country, we have plenty, not need." The Mexican grabs a burrito and throws it out, and says, "In my country we too have plenty of those, we won't need it." The American has a bottle of Jack Daniels, and he takes a swig, thinks a minute, and then he grabs the Mexican and throws him out. He explains to the German, "We have plenty of those in our country, we won't need him."
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How'd it go?:)