Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Tango on August 14, 2007, 06:17:27 PM
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Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life
1. Get a woman whoʼs good at home, cooks, and cleans up.
2. Get a woman, who can make you smile and laugh.
3. Get a woman, who you can trust, and who does not lie to you.
4. Get a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It is very important that these four women do not know each other.
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(ducks and covers, TxMom incoming)
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LOL :lol
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Yup The wrath of TxMom is upon you... (To paraphrase the texas song)
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:D :rofl
I posted earlier, but decided that it might be too mean, so I deleted it.
I guess I need the girlscout avatar after all.
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Naa, Mom. I just figured as the most consistant female poster here it had to be coming. We tend to be a bit of a boy's club at times. You and Lucy are doing just fine.:)
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I don't get it? you mean all of them aren't like that? :D
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What would 5 rules for women look like then?
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Women don't have rules, they have "code" they use when gathering to talk about new boyfriends. I'll translate some of them for you:
"Is he cute?" = Is he rich?
"Does he come from a good family?" = Is he rich?
"What does he do?" = Is he rich?
"Where is he from?" = Is he rich?
"How tall is he?" = Is he rich?
"How did you meet?" = Is he rich?
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Originally posted by Angus
What would 5 rules for women look like then?
5 rules would actually look like 50 rules (which are actually instructions):
1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lazy," and "Witch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better kissers.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dishsoap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal NCMO.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. "No," means "No." "Yes," means "Yes." Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
48. Call.
49. Don't lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your behind smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.
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Phasers rules.
1. DON'T Get a woman who's good at home, cooks, and cleans up.
2. DON'T Get a woman, who can make you smile and laugh.
3. DON'T Get a woman, who you can trust, and who does not lie to you.
4. DON'T Get a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. ??? It is very important that these four women do not know each other.
Why in the He(( would you want 5 of them. That is 5 times the evil. 5 times the pain. 5 time the bills. 5 times the kids. 5 five times the MOTHER IN LAWS. 5 times you can't have a new dear gun. 5 times (squared) it is your fault. 5 times 5 times 5 times 5 times.
Woman.
Can't live with'em, can't put them in a Troy Built Chipper Vac.
FIVE TIMES
aaaahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Have a nice day
Phaser
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Terrific rules, TMom. Did you collect those or are they original?
And, (drum roll), what happened to Rule No. 3?
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33. "No," means "No." "Yes," means "Yes." Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
lol
This one is hilarious.
Why? Because women will lie.
Man: "Are you okay honey?"
Woman (with a frown on her face): "Yes"
Man: "Okay, what's wrong?"
Woman (snappinng out an answer): "Nothing"
Man: "Okay"
Man leaves the room.
Later on you come to find out (although you already knew) that she was indeed ticked off about something but expects you to wait around until the tears flow....then she'll tell you what is wrong...and what has been wrong on an item by item basis.......over the last few years.
Then you find out that she is REALLY annoyed at the fact that earlier you didn't keep pressing her as to what is wrong....even though she said it was nothing.
Your rule is incorrect.
It should read "Yes means no and no means yes".
and silence means you are truely pooched. It is never good.
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Originally posted by texasmom
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
Sometimes you have to slap her to Jumpstart the evening if ya know what i mean.......
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Sometimes you have to do the cooking, "If you know what I mean."
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Originally posted by Halo
Terrific rules, TMom. Did you collect those or are they original?
And, (drum roll), what happened to Rule No. 3?
:) Nope, they're not my rules. I must have deleted 3 on the cut & paste. Actually, if I had realized I was gonna do that I would have removed all of the ones which I don't necessarily agree with as well. :)
For the most part those are pretty funny I thought. :p
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Originally posted by texasmom
5 rules would actually look like 50 rules (which are actually instructions):
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
On these 2, all women must understand.
If you must ask, then the answer is YES!
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Man's Rules for Women
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and NASCAR.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Check your own oil! Please.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done - not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
I'm in shape. - ROUND is a shape.
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TxMom's Rule #3.
3. If you have to ask what Rule number 3 is then you don't understand me!
Oppps there it is!!!!
:huh
Mac
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LOLOL! what a funny thread this is!
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Originally posted by Sweet2th
Sometimes you have to slap her to Jumpstart the evening if ya know what i mean.......
Or Donkey punch...
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Originally posted by rabbidrabbit
Or Donkey punch...
No guys.
Just hit anything else... not her.
You can always replace a hole in a door but not a hole in a heart.
Sometimes it's a rocky road... learn from what made the road rocky.
Abuse is just that... no one needs it.
Mac
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Originally posted by AWMac
No guys.
Just hit anything else... not her.
You can always replace a hole in a door but not a hole in a heart.
Mac
If you got to hit something in the house to keep from hitting your spouse, then you don't need to be there at all.
Slapping her was in a " Fore Play " context.
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Do you even know what a donkey punch is? Do you know it was a joke?
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Originally posted by Curval
33. "No," means "No." "Yes," means "Yes." Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
lol
This one is hilarious.
Why? Because women will lie.
Man: "Are you okay honey?"
Woman (with a frown on her face): "Yes"
Man: "Okay, what's wrong?"
Woman (snappinng out an answer): "Nothing"
Man: "Okay"
Man leaves the room.
Later on you come to find out (although you already knew) that she was indeed ticked off about something but expects you to wait around until the tears flow....then she'll tell you what is wrong...and what has been wrong on an item by item basis.......over the last few years.
Then you find out that she is REALLY annoyed at the fact that earlier you didn't keep pressing her as to what is wrong....even though she said it was nothing.
Your rule is incorrect.
It should read "Yes means no and no means yes".
and silence means you are truely pooched. It is never good.
So funny ~ you know, I hate to say it, but I think I gotta agree with you on this one. If I'm upset, I usually expect TxDad to know what I'm upset about without me having to tell him. Being the perfect man that he is... he does usually know. :D
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Yeah, "No" rarely means No. Fine means DEFCON2.
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One rule that isn't funny is no hitting, either the man the woman, or the woman the man. Any woman that thinks she gets to slap, pummel, pinch, scratch, bite or otherwise physically abuse a man invites commensurate retaliation.
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee and solemnly asks, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?"
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too," she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said. . .
"I would have gotten out today"
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:lol
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Yeah, "No" rarely means No. Fine means DEFCON2.
by RPM
This is my wife but you can add one more number to the DEFCON scale to 3. And I also have to put up my air defense weapons. Because When she says FINE!! I say OH WELL and the Artillery starts flying my way LOL. But I Love her even when she is a pain. I would be lost with out her. :aok
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5 of them?
Well, 5 times the ride :D