Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: eskimo2 on September 21, 2007, 04:43:58 PM
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Alright, here’s the background.
Late last night, I crawled over my sleeping harem and headed outside, stark naked. I did however bring a knapsack full of apples. At around 10:32(pm), I see these two big 12 point deer walking towards me. I’ve been in Ohio long enough to know I was about to get gored. So, as is my standard practice, I whip a 3-inch thumb-assist knife I keep in my butt crack, and move it to my left nostril for easy accessibility. They head toward me, and they’re acting friendly, but like I said, I know better. So with one hand on my knife and the other on my knapsack I returned their grunts. Then, at around 10:34pm, it happened. The big one snorted, and lifted its hoof as if to shake my hand. I returned the “hand shake”, taking my hand off of my knife for a crucial second. As soon as my hand and his hoof parted, he kicked me, connecting clearly with the right side of my face. This surprised me, as I wasn’t expecting it QUITE then, but I wasn't hurt. In under a quarter second I had my knife out, extended, and within millimeters of his throat and I was makin all kinds of really wicked kung-fu type sounds. I was ready to deliver a lethal blow, and would have enjoyed it SO much but I knew that it wasn’t quite deer season. But then my conscience kicked in: "You want to get into the Secret Astronaut Scorpion Academy! This MIGHT be self defense, but if it is considered excessive force, you will NEVER get in!" So, I retracted the knife, and attempted a retreat from the fight, knowing that while I would have NO problems leaving them both fully butchered and dressed, I might just get annoyed enough to USE the knife. With the knife safely back in my butt crack I made my retreat. As I attempted to leave, he kicked me in the face another 73 times. Again, no pain. This deer was pretty stupid; he didn’t realize that kicking a guy in the cheek would cause no pain, as it connects only with bone. I actually laughed in his face at this point, and again made a retreat. They thought to themselves "We've got a 42 year old, 180lb middle aged Catholic school teacher with a wife, three kids, a bad back and a bit of arthritis here, late at night, and he has a knapsack FULL OF APPLES!. Don't let him go; he should be EASY to take down". They were wrong. I looked over my left shoulder just in time to take a 61 more kicks to the left cheek, which knocked me over and over 61 times. I realized I was now in a favorable position and had them exactly where I wanted them. With every bit of strength I could muster, I launched my right foot back and connected solidly with his chest. I’d swear I broke every bone in his body, and he fell backwards over my picnic table and didn’t get up. The second deer was just now joining the fight, and once more, I had my knife out, ready to strike. It was just like in the martial arts movies where they only attack you one at a time. A quick slash to his throat, and plunge it into his back... he'll be no concern and it will be so much fun! But once more, my conscience kicked in. "Even if it was self-defense, you will still have killed two deer out of season" (If I had stabbed them, they WOULD have died instantly; without question.) "And the Secret Astronaut Scorpion Academy will STILL see that!" So, once more, I begrudgingly closed my blade and returned it to my butt crack. I hopped over the aforementioned picnic table, and ran around in circles across my back yard to put some distance between me and them, just enough to call out loud to my mom. I decided to trust my mom to get there in time to apprehend these mean deer. It didn’t happen. The deer I kicked got up, and stumbled away, followed by his deer friend. On the way, they stopped to pickup my knapsack which I lost in the scuffle. I started to follow them, but realized if it came to blows again, it could be said I was following them with the intent to poach. So, I could only sit and watch as they escaped with my apples.
In the end, my mom has YET to find them, even though I gave her perfect description, and even one deer’s first name! They got away with my apples, (I'm serious!) and my left testicle that I was hoping I might need some day. I’m fairly certain that one deer has every bone in his body broken, and I got out with my jaw completely missing, no left testicle, 56 fractures to my skull, but surprisingly absolutely NO pain.
So the question is: I KNOW you are going to tell me I did the right thing by simply exiting the area. But, would the Secret Astronaut Scorpion Academy have looked down on me for killing two deer in self defense? If I HAD pursued them to see where they went, could I be brought up onpoaching, or some other charge if it came to blows again? Thanks.
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:rofl :rofl :aok :cry :rofl :lol :cry
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:eek: :lol :rofl :O :D
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:rofl
I need pictures!
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Word
:aok
Mac
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:rofl That was great man:aok
This is a remake of post that serenity made, you should read the original and than this, for those who don't know what's this about.
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OMG that was funny :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl
I'm glad you remembered you wanted to go to the Air Force Academy :rofl :rofl
Errrrr...Secret Astronaut Scorpion Academy :lol
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ROTFLMMFAO David.
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Well I know it was pretty tough on a Kung Foo Louie such as yourself to just get away and turn down all that venison, but you DID DO the right thing.
Supposing that you had put the death blow on these two...then what?
It would have certainly made the headlines and you know that VOSS would have more than likely read this from the Scorpion Cave Control Center......or the Bat Cave. These spook cats don`t miss much.
Look at it this way, there is always more apples, the fractures will heal and you really just need one nad anyway.
Good thinking.
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:rofl ROFL
Boom....Good Deer!!
(http://www.airforce-technology.com/contractor_images/fn_herstal/image3.jpg)
i got those two deer for you :rofl
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shouldn't it be "....I'M fine but you should see the IT!" ?
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I love this place.:aok :aok
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Karaya has some clever quote about losing climbing gear in a wall of text. i wish i could remember it.
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:rofl :rofl :D
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Eskimo..you are BUSTED!
First of all I struggled to get over the shock of someone willing to shake hands with a strange deer and allowing said deer to gain an advantage.
Secondly, I called the Tallmadge Department of Parks and Recreation...spoke to Joan Reisig, (330) 633-4677, and she has a very different version of events of last night. Suffice to say the details of this incident are far too graphic and quite sick really. Joan says that you've violated the court order again and that they are sending the vet to check the deer for STDs. You will be responsible for all associated costs.
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:lol :lol :lol :lol :lol
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:rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl
I sincerely hope you can get help from the Game and Fish Department for prosecuting those apple thieves! Send us a copy of the report.
Will you be setting up a reward for information leading to the conviction of those dastardly thieves?:t
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I laughed, I cried, I was moved.
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Ahem..i killed the deer..and possibly shot Eskimo at the same time..:confused:
i was hidden in the grassy knoll..:noid
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you should have tazered the deer.
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:lol
should have just wounded it and nursed it back to life in your carpeted garage.
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Originally posted by john9001
you should have tazered the deer.
winna
:lol
Bronk
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:rofl :aok
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Originally posted by jhookt
Karaya has some clever quote about losing climbing gear in a wall of text. i wish i could remember it.
I'll take that as a dig. :aok
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Originally posted by vorticon
:lol
should have just wounded it and nursed it back to life in your carpeted garage.
Poor Brittney! :cry
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Easily made me laugh harder than I had in months! Better post the wound pics now, you don't want us to start doubting the veracity of that story! ;)
:rofl
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:lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol
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Brilliant!
(http://www.mustangmods.com/data/10900/brilliant.jpg)
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KivxoKnBHFc
There is a video!
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yet another video!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9GrKyetrYQ
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Lol the funniest part is where he shook the deer's hoof.
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That's their worst trick to lull you into a sense of security. The bastages!
:furious :furious :furious
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:aok
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That has got to be the funniest post I've read on the BB.
Every line is sig. material.
...So, once more, I begrudgingly closed my blade and returned it to my butt crack. I hopped over the aforementioned picnic table, and ran around in circles across my back yard to put some distance between me and them, ...
ROFLMMFAO funny
:cry :lol :rofl :lol :cry
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I have tears and snot running down my face and I'm sitting in a puddle of urine from laughing so hard.
That is truly, truly a masterpiece and should be preserved for the ages.
:lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol
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Godspeed, Eskimo!
You made the right decision, bud. Forget about the apples, what is important is that you're still alive. You'll come across some more apples, I'm sure of it, and it's you who will have the last laugh when you get accepted into the Secret Astronaut Scorpion Academy...even though the deer won't know, since the academy is a secret. And in the future, I think it would be a good idea for you to carry Deer mace when strolling outside with a bag of apples.
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Can we spell p a r o d y ? :lol
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OMG!!!!!
Laffed so hard I farted, Thank GAWD I don't keep my folded knife in my butt crack.
This is a Classic!!!
:rofl :D :) :aok
Mac
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Oh man what a great thread this is!
Eskimo, just awesome!!!
Some follow up comments just add to it as well. :rofl :aok
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Eskimo, Jesus man. WTF? How does that kinda stuff occur to you? I mean, that's beautiful in a truly absurd sense :lol
Has the use of psychedelic drugs ever been a part of your life? :t
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Originally posted by Halo
Can we spell p a r o d y ? :lol
WOW who'da thunk it?!?!?! Thanks for cluing us all in there!
Here's your Cpt. Obvious t-shirt and sign.
:p
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Thanks, Mav, I'll treasure that acknowledgement even though it should be spelled Oblivious.
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<---- Hands Halo a Cpt. Oblivious t-shirt.
There now you have 2 options today.
:p :p :p :D
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That's not funny!
Video report proves the story (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nD5zjUbWpXY)
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Where's my Voss-Caster?
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Why are you all making fun of eskimo. No one has any facts showing his story is not true. You will all rue the day when it is show to be true.
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:rofl
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Any day now some liberal senator from Mass or Kalifornia will introduce legislation to outlaw antlers on deer to prevent the needless death eskimo barely avoided.
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:rofl
Bronk
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Originally posted by hitech
Why are you all making fun of eskimo. No one has any facts showing his story is not true. You will all rue the day when it is show to be true.
:rofl
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Originally posted by hitech
Why are you all making fun of eskimo. No one has any facts showing his story is not true. You will all rue the day when it is show to be true.
LOL :rofl
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Thanks guys, this was fun to write.
The funniest thing is that most of Serenity’s lines were left fully intact; I just stared at many of them for awhile and gave up on how to push them over the top.
Vorticon,
Man, you’re right. I totally blew it leaving out the carpeted garage and Brittany bit. How did I miss that?
Culero,
I started with being naked, because that’s always funny, but then found myself in a bind because I had no place to hide the knife… At that point the butt crack really was the only solution. It’s really not so strange when you look at it that way.
SOB & Hitech,
Thanks for standing behind me; it means a lot.
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Knowing people from Ohio, I actually thought this was true. I'm shocked, and more than just a little disappointed. WTH didn't any of you mooks post a heads up to these 2 threads in the general dis?
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:rofl
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Man I just love eskimo's version better...and also the "My Precious" and the "Two Pineapples kicking the Crackers arse".
My GAWD the talent we have in the O'Club... we all could make Millions!!!!
"O'Club Productions brings you tonight another episode of....
Beyond Imagination!
:aok
Mac
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:lol Well done Eskimo.
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we need a cartoon for this
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Very informative and entertaining thread....yet it leaves unanswered the burning question:
What is the Best Gun for Zomie Deer?
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Eskimo, I spent all day yesterday as I worked w/ a 3 inch thumb assist knife in my buttcrack. I did this in an effort to debunk your story. Sadly, I learned that if you sit on the thumb assist button directly that it causes the blade to spring forth.
I spent the night in the ER, face down on a stretcher as various Dr's, nurses, reporters, and LEO's came in to observe my horrific wound. I have no idea what they thought was so funny. Fortunately, it's not yet illegal to stick a knife in your own butt so no charges will be filed.
Although I'm pretty sure I'm not a homosexual, I can no longer lay claim to being a virgin.......sharp stabbing pain.
The manufacturer of the knife has agreed to change the name of their product to "thumb and buttcrack assist" knife. There will be a significant settlement forthcoming and I believe some video from the ER will be in a new Public Service announcement on knife safety. I hope they blur my face.
Great story Eskimo, well done.. hysterical. Thank you for the huge guffaws.
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^ ^ ^ ^ :rofl :rofl :rofl :aok :aok :aok
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Has anyone seen Serenity around lately?
Mac
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:noid :noid :noid :noid
WTF????
And you lot claim we Brits are weird
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Originally posted by SteffK
:noid :noid :noid :noid
WTF????
And you lot claim we Brits are weird
You forgot to mention that you also drive on the wrong side of the road.
:D
Mac
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:aok :rofl
(http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2002-8/48257/Swoop2.gif)
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Originally posted by AWMac
You forgot to mention that you also drive on the wrong side of the road.
:D
Mac
Hey why did you lot decide not to? You nicked our Language, distances weights and measures :D