Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Swoop on October 11, 2007, 04:10:40 AM
-
How many muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just sit in the dark and blame the jews for it.
(http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2002-8/48257/Swoop2.gif)
-
What's black and hangs from the ceiling?
A Muslim after trying to change a lightbulb.
-
What is the height of optimism?
An English batsman putting on sunscreen.
What does an English girl use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter.
An Englishman, an Irishman, an Australian and a New Zealander were in a plane, getting ready to make their first parachute jump. The Kiwi's exit was spectacular; he leapt out of the plane with the cry "I am doing this for my country....." The Aussie leapt out immediately afterwards, calling out the same words. Then the Irishman ripped the parachute off the Englishman, pushed him out of the plane and cried "I'm doing this for my country....."
Tronsky
-
Last January the New Orleans Times Picayune reported that a Cajun amateur archeologist having dug to a depth of 10-meters found pieces of copper wire dating back 100 years....and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100-years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Cajuns, in the weeks that followed, Texan scientists dug to a depth of 20-meters. Shortly after, headlines in the Dallas Morning News read: "Texas archaeologists have found traces of 200-year old copper wire, and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network one hundred years earlier than the Cajuns."
One week later, The Daily Oklahoman reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30-meters in wheat fields near Watonga, Bubba Williams, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300-years ago Okies were already using wireless.
-
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
-
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."
"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.
North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the useless buggers I'm putting next to them"
(http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2002-8/48257/Swoop2.gif)
-
Two Aggies were riding around on the dirt back roads drinking beer when they ran upon one of their friends sitting in a rowboat, in the middle of a plowed field casting his bass rod.
They both had a good laugh about this.
The driver told the other Aggie to go tell their friend that he could not catch any fish in a plowed field.
"I`m not going out there" said the passenger.
"Why not?" questioned the driver.
Shivering the passenger answered...................." I can`t swim."
-
Originally posted by wrag
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
:rofl :rofl
-
The biology professor was discussing the high glucose level of semen when a blonde co-ed raised her hand. "Are you saying there's a lot of sugar in male semen?" "Correct," responded the professor, adding more statistical material. The same girl raised her hand again. "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" The entire class burst out laughing, her face turned bright red, she said not a word, picked up her books, and walked straight out of class never to return. As she left, the professor added with a straight face, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue, not in the back of your throat!"
-
Zebediah sold fertilized eggs. He had ten roosters whose job it was to fertilize the eggs laid by several hundred young pullets. Zeb kept records and any rooster that didn't perform became dinner and was replaced by one who would. Updating his database took a lot of time so Zeb attached a tiny bell with a unique tone to each rooster so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. One day Zeb noticed that his favorite rooster, Old Butch, was slacking off. His bell hadn't rung at all! When Zeb investigated, he found the other roosters were having a tough time catching pullets with their bells ringing, but, to Zeb's amazement, Old Butch held his bell in his beak to keep it silent while he surprised a pullet, making him much more successful. Zeb was so proud of Old Butch's ingenuity that he entered him in the local county fair where the judges awarded him not only the "No Bell Piece Prize," but also the "Pullet Surprise!"
-
This thread was a great way to start the day. Thanks
:rofl
-
Three aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from the University of Texas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness" said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young woman from Baylor.
"Elation" she said.
"And you, sir" he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "how about the opposite of woe?"
The Aggie replied "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
:D
Mac
-
Originally posted by Meatwad
The biology professor was discussing the high glucose level of semen when a blonde co-ed raised her hand. "Are you saying there's a lot of sugar in male semen?" "Correct," responded the professor, adding more statistical material. The same girl raised her hand again. "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" The entire class burst out laughing, her face turned bright red, she said not a word, picked up her books, and walked straight out of class never to return. As she left, the professor added with a straight face, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue, not in the back of your throat!"
lol
HONEST to goodness true story along the same lines, freshman biology class in HS, the class could be taken by freshmen or sophomores, and 1 sophomore taking the class was a large black gentleman, great athlete, and star running back of the varsity football team. he was a nice guy too.
Oh yeah this is a Lutheran private school.
during the reproductive chapters of class we watched videos of births, all sorts of stuff.
then came the discussion of the chemical makeup of semen. the teacher said something about a type of acid being in it, this guy raised his hand and actually asked "doesn't it burn a woman's throat then?"
the whole class died laughing, after regaining a bit of composure, the teacher (kind of a jerky guy) replied "I don't know you'll have to ask my wife".
I actually witnessed this live and almost died laughing :D
-
One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for Over 10 years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "God! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of whiskey?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."
-
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.
We observe all union rules"
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."
-
(http://www.jonco48.com/blog/piratetampon_sizedthumbnail.jpg)
(remove this if ya' gota skuzzy... I found it too hillarious to not post it)
-
A squad of Soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent."
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Fred Thompson is a bald headed, good-for-nothing, right wing extremist drunk who doesn't know how to drive.
So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Rudy Giuliani!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
(feel free to insert Obama and Hillary)
-
A guy walks into a bar wearing a Chiefs jersey, and carrying a cat that also has a Chiefs jersey on with a little Chiefs helmet on his head, too.
The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Chiefs game here? My TV is broke and my cat and I always watch the game together."
The bartender replies, "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed in the bar, but it's not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the cat, I'll have to ask you to leave."
The guy agrees, and he and his cat start watching the game. Pretty soon the Chiefs kick a field goal and the excited cat jumps up on the bar and walks down the bar and gives everyone a high five.
The bartender says, "Hey, that's pretty cool! What does he do for a touchdown?"
The guys answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 3 years."
-
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject,
the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
"Do you know what your ***hole is
doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.
-
How many Californians does it take to screw in as lightbulb?
Answer: Five, 1 to screw in the lightbulb and 4 to relate to the expirience
-
True Love.
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her,
'What did you steal?' She replied, 'A can of peaches.'
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches
and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her
how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, 'I will then give you 6 days in jail.'
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the
woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say
something. The judge said, 'What is it?'
The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'
-
Why doesn't Al Sharpton like Asprin?(3 reasons)
1:They're white.
2:They work.
3:You gotta pick through cotton to get at em.