Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Chairboy on October 25, 2007, 09:15:28 PM
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It's been a while, time for a new joke thread. I'll get it started.
A guy was stopped by a game warden recently with an ice chest full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the him, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"
He looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this! You don't think I'm that dumb do you."
The guy poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the guy.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
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Old Sven was asked to give a speech to the PTA about his adventures of flying over Germany during WWII.
"Ya, dat vould be great!", says Sven.
Sven takes the podium and tells his story: "... and dere I vas, flying along, and den I got jumped by dese 6 Fokkers!"
A gasp rose from the audience and the more delicate members began to fan themselves with their programs.
The PTA president immediately jumps up and grabs the microphone, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please understand! A Fokker is a type of a German airplane!"
The crowd lets out a sigh of relief and Sven resumes his story: "Ya, ya, but dese Fokkers was flying Messerschmitts!"
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Originally posted by Chairboy
Old Sven was asked to give a speech to the PTA about his adventures of flying over Germany during WWII.
"Ya, dat vould be great!", says Sven.
Sven takes the podium and tells his story: "... and dere I vas, flying along, and den I got jumped by dese 6 Fokkers!"
A gasp rose from the audience and the more delicate members began to fan themselves with their programs.
The PTA president immediately jumps up and grabs the microphone, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please understand! A Fokker is a type of a German airplane!"
The crowd lets out a sigh of relief and Sven resumes his story: "Ya, ya, but dese Fokkers was flying Messerschmitts!"
LOL
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What sorta plane was Sven flying?
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Stop being such dorks. The first joke was BY FAR the funniest.
Heres mine.
What do you call a cowboy hat sitting on top of a pair of cowboy boots?
A Texan with the crap kicked out of him.
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One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
I'll get me coat
Wurzel
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1) so this baby seal walks into a club :D
2) How many batteries does it take to light up the Michigan defense?
One double A.
3) Why does Bob Stoops eat Cheerios off a plate?
Cause he can't handle a bowl.
4) How do you keep a BK from going out?
Pour more gas on him.
5) Why can't Okies read?
Because they're from Oklahoma (for you Mac) :D
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A man and his wife are at their camp house.... the man had been out in the boat all morning fishing. He comes in and goes to take a nap. His wife doesn't know the lake very well but she decides to get in the boat and motor out a ways and anchor so she can read her book in solitude. As she is reading a Game Warden pulls up and tells her she is fishing in a protected area and he will have to arrest her and take her in. The lady says she is not fishing.... she is just reading a book. The warden says "but you have all this fishing gear, I have to assume when I go away you will start fishing". The lady thinks a second and says "OK, but if you take me in I'll have to file on you for rape". The warden tells her he had not even touched her. the lady says "yes I know, but you have all the gear and so I have to assume your going to rape me". The warden looks at her and says......" Lady... Have A Nice Day!"
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An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed four objects on his study table; a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky and a Playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old Preacher said to himself. "When he
comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard - Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up
the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and
took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered to himself. "He's gonna run for Congress."
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During a commercial airline flight an Army helicopter pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered
his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded,
"Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Army pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion
exclaimed.......
"And all these years I've been chewing gum."
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A very attractive woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed..."YES!YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
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Three aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from the University of Texas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness" said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young woman from Baylor.
"Elation" she said.
"And you, sir" he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "how about the opposite of woe?"
The Aggie replied "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
Mac
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A Texan boards a plane at the last minute. There was only one seat left in first class. After being seated the Texan realizes he is actually seated next to the Pope. The Pope is doing a crossword puzzle and seems to be almost finished yet stuck on the last bit.
Texan: "You seem to be stuck on the crossword puzzle your Holy Imminence may I help you?"
Pope: "Sure my Son. I need a four letter word... it's another name for a woman... it ends in UNT..."
The Texan is sweating now knowing the only word that came first to his mind would surely send him to Hell if he told the Pope.
Pope: "Any ideas Son?" replied the Pope.
By now the Texan is drenched in sweat, trembling and growing pale by every second....the Texan thinks to himself, I gotta tell him, I just gotta tell him... get it over with. His heart is racing critically.
Pope: "C'mon Son what do you think?"
Just as the Texan turns towards the Pope and opens his mouth...The Pope exclaimes...
Pope: "I got it!!!" "AUNT"
The Texan was removed at the final destination by stretcher, mumbling over and over again... "AUNT, AUNT, AUNT......"
Mac
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Chairboy owned a bar, and prospered well for 30 years selling liquor to his patrons. But, he finally grew tired of the constant interaction with the often obnoxious public, and decided to retire in solitude. So, he bought a place in a remote region of Alaska.
After living completely alone in his new abode for about six months, he was surprised one day to hear a knock on the door. When he opened the door, he was greeted by a large Grizzly Adams type, who introduced himself as Mac.
Mac: "Howdy, I'm your neighbor from 40 miles down the road."
Chairboy: "Nice to meet you."
Mac: "I'm gonna have a party tonight, and I wanted to invite you."
Chairboy: "Wow, cool, sounds like fun. Thanks!"
Mac: "There's gonna be some drinkin'."
Chairboy: "I've been around plenty of that, no sweat."
Mac: "And maybe some fighting."
Chairboy: "No worries, I can handle myself."
Mac: "Prolly be some wild sex, too."
Chairboy: "Awesome, I'm starting to like the sound of this party! What should I wear?"
Mac: "Suit yerself, its just gonna be the two of us."
:)
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This one's a little lewd, prolly just across the "don't post that here" line, so I'll just link it....funny as hell if you like lewd humor, though :)
DEAR CONNIE (http://home.rgv.rr.com/casamyers/cooloff.txt)
Rated "R" for graphic sexual content and some vulgarity ;)
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Two goldfishes are in a tank.
One says: "I'll drive, you man the guns"
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I see what you did there... :D
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Originally posted by AquaShrimp
Stop being such dorks. The first joke was BY FAR the funniest.
Heres mine.
What do you call a cowboy hat sitting on top of a pair of cowboy boots?
A Texan with the crap kicked out of him.
(http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t92/Airscrew/funnypic.jpg)
:p :lol
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NASA Announces Plan To Bring Wi-Fi to its Headquarters by 2017
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/nasa_announces_plan_to_bring_wi_fi?utm_source=EMTF_Onion
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One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I'd ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR!!!
...........I tell you, I just crap my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have crap my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back then, just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!"
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How does one call a legless dog?
Dont bother calling it, just pick it up.
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Originally posted by rabbidrabbit
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back then, just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!"
:rofl
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The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit for their supper, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
Night falls.
First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.
"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.
Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.
Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie"Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer,"Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.
"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:
"Alright, Alright, I'm a f*****g rabbit!"
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(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v99/dichotomy/krubberarmman0001.jpg)
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SO this woman goes to the doctor, she tells the Doc
Doc, I've got this problem, I am constantly passing gas. It doesn't smell and you can't hear it, but it's constant. I've done it like 6 times since you've been in here.
The Doc says, well here's a prescription. Take these pills for 6 days then come back and see me.
So 6 days pass, the woman comes back, the Doc says so...
The woman answers, Doc, I'm still passing gas all the time, but now it smells terrible.
The Doc answers and says, well we got your nose fixed, let's see what we can do about those ears.
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” Along Chairboy’s first joke –
Svene is out fishing in his trusty row boat. Although he has thrown every lure, plug, and bait he has, Svene is still striking out. Sven looks around, seeing that he is alone on the lake, pulls out one last item, a quarter stick of dynamite. Svene looks around a second time, lights the fuse and nonchalantly tosses the dynamite into the lake. WHOOOM! A gyser of water shoots up quickly followed by several fish. Sven, grinning with his success, proceeds to pick up a few choice fish. While doing so, he fails to hear the sound of a motor boat coming up behind him. It’s the local game warden, who has been trying for several weeks to catch Svene in the act of something illegal.
As the warden approachs Svene, he yell’s “I finally got ya! I finally got ya!” He can barely contain himself with excitement.
Svene looks at the warden and lights another stick. The warden can’t believe his good fortune. Svene proceeds to toss the lit stick of dynamite into the warden’s boat.
“what the hell are you doing? Are you nuts” yelled the warden?
Svene sits back down in his boat and replies, “ya gonna yell, or ya gonna fish?”
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A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party
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The CIA had an opening for a Super Secret Spy. They had a lot of applicants, but got it down to the last 3 candidates. No matter which way they looked at it, the 3 men drew even, and none pulled ahead to take the job.
So they rigged up a final test to see the dedication these men had to the USA. They would give the men a gun loaded with blanks, and ask them to kill their own wives.
They brought the first man in and told him, "This is your final test. To show your dedication, you are to take this gun into the next room, and kill your wife."
The man immediately replied, "NO WAY! I'd never kill my wife!" He stormed out.
They brought the second man in and told him, "This is your final test. To show your dedication, you are to take this gun into the next room, and kill your wife."
The second man quietly took the gun, and went into the room. After quiet minutes, he came out crying. He said, "I'm sorry! I can't do it, I can't kill my wife."
They brought the third man in and told him, "This is your final test. To show your dedication, you are to take this gun into the next room, and kill your wife."
The third man quickly grabbed the gun, ran into the room. The testers heard 7 quick shots, a lot of screaming, and then loud crashing, followed by silence. The third man soon came out, looking sweaty and bruised. He told the testers, "You guys didn't tell me that there were blanks in the gun, so I had to beat the ***** to death with the chair."
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A French rifle for sale on ebay:
"It's never been fired and it's been dropped only once."
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A husband comes home drunk at 3:00AM and stumbles upstairs to pass out in bed.
When he wakes up the next morning there are 2 aspirin and a glass of water at the bedside, and a note "Breakfast is down stairs honey". When he goes downstairs the house has been cleaned, the Laundry is done, and there is coffee, eggs, and pancakes waiting for him in the Kitchen, where his daughter is already having breakfast.
He asks his daughter "what in the world is going on with you mother"? The daughter replies, "you came home smashed drunk, broke the lamp in the front room, puked all over the hallway, and when mom tried to drag you in the bedroom you push her away and said 'back off lady I'm married'."
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What's black,white and red & crawls on the ground?
a wounded nun.
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Two aircraft mechanics are sitting around bored in the maintenance hanger at Detroit Airport..
One says to the other..."i heard if you drink jet fuel,you can get a great buzz with absolutely no hangover"
The other guy doesn't believe him but they both agree to smuggle a pint of jet fuel home and each give it a try.
The next day the phone rings at the home of the first guy.."Did you get a buzz off the AV gas?"
"Yeah..Great buzz and no hangover" said the second mechanic
"Did you fart yet?" said the first guy?
"No,why" said the second mechanic.
"I'm calling you from Mexico"
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An amish boy & his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
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A guy sits down next to a girl in a bar.
Guy: I'm going to buy you a drink.
Girl: No, you're not.
Guy: After I buy you that drink, I'm going to get to know you better.
Girl: No, you're not.
Guy: After I get to know you better, I'm going to take you to my apartment.
Girl: No, you're not.
Guy: When we get to my apartment, I'm going to make you another drink.
Girl: No, you're not.
Guy: After you finish your drink, I'm going to make love to you, and I'm not going to use a condom.
Girl: OH YES YOU ARE!
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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
"What the Heck is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder
in my underwear?
She replied with a snicker..."It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle
Grow'."
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A man and his wife are sitting in their living room, and the wife says "Honey, I went to see a plastic surgeon today, and I've decided I want a boob job." The man says "Well that's just great, and how much is THIS gonna cost me?" The wife says "About $10K, but we'll both love it". The man says "Why don't you rub a little toilet tissue between your boobs a couple of times a day?" The wife says "Will that make my boobs bigger?" The man says "Why not? It worked on your butt!"
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That last one reminded me of this one:
A woman is in the shower one morning when her husband of 7 years walks into the bathroom, and then steps into the shower with her. As they are lathering each other up, he cups both her breasts in his hands, and says, "You know, honey, if you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to use a bra." The woman is understandably upset, but bites her tongue and says nothing.
As they are toweling off, the husband starts to caress his wifes bottom, first with one, then both hands. Just as she is starting to get in the mood, he plants a hand on each butt-cheek and says "You know, honey, if you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to use a girdle." She is devestated, but still says nothing.
The next morning, it is the wife who joins her husband in the shower. She immediately grabs his member and says, "You know, honey, if you firmed this up a bit, I wouldn't have to use your brother."
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What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with the runs?
The epileptic shucks between fits.
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I can't count how many conversations that joke has ended over the years.
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A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the
breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and
said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120
times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than
twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked ! to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, incapital letters,
"This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her
husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."