Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: sgt203 on December 04, 2007, 10:19:14 PM
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No offense ladies and I hope none is taken. This was sent to me via email and it was one of the funiniest things I read in a long time. Thought I should share:D
Though I do not know this man I have to send him a big <> for this one....
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the wh ole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that beech knows I'm smarter than her.
:rofl :rofl
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:rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl
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LMAO!
:aok :aok
As for the woman.
We have a name for those kinds of women.
Unfortunately. I dint think Hitech or Skuzzy would appreciate it ;)
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Originally posted by sgt203
..I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis...
HAHAHAAHAHA!!!!!!
Good one :lol
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LOLOLOL!!!!:rofl :rofl :rofl :aok
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thats great!:rofl :lol :aok
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An oldie but a goodie.
I've recently visited the grave of a dear friend who tried this out one day
.........j/k
:rofl
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:lol
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Too Funny! SGT203 :rofl
One humorous guy story deserves another; it's an old one but hope you enjoy it:
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder.
This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and gave her the finger.
“Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why:
I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that’s 76 miles. Of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper; most of the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like one car very 40 feet per lane. That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars on the areas not bumper-to-bumper.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That’s 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that’s 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that’s 98. 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that’s 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is armed.
No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn’t DREAM of giving her the finger!
TIGERESS
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LMAO Tigress :)
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Hehee...both good.
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Originally posted by sgt203
...'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
... 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that beech knows I'm smarter than her.
Classic :lol
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Originally posted by Tigeress
---SNIP---
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is armed.
TIGERESS
ROFL...... Nice...
Ok ladies and gents post em if ya got em!!!!!!
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I'd post them if I had them but the wife's got them...
:cry
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:rofl
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Interesting report (http://www.theonion.com/content/video/evangeline_lilly_wins_best_wet_t)
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Probably old and been around a few times but....
A 50 yr old man is having a midlife crisis. So he buys an expensive red sports car and proceeds to get on the highway and see just how fast his new ride will go. Just after he hits 115 mph, the lights and sirens start up behind him. At first, he decides 'screw this, I can outrun this cop!', but after a few minutes of high speed chase he comes to his senses. He immediately slows down and pulls over, resigning himself to an expensive ticket and possibly jail time. The policeman walks up to the window and just looks at him for a moment before telling him: "Look buddy, I've had a really long day. If you can give me a really good excuse, I'll just let you off with a warning."
The man thinks for a few seconds, then looks at the officer and says: "Last week, my wife ran off with a police officer. I thought you were trying to bring her back!"
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If you are not getting enough..uh hmm .. "Attention" at home i would suggest. Pick a moment when she least expects it, a moment where you'd be selfish about your activities.
Walk up to her, stop her from what shes doing, grab her, put her against the wall, look deep into her eyes, and say a few choice things about how sexy she is and how much you want her, bla bla. Surprise her.. Be sure to breathe deeply and press against her, not too much, but be a tease. Keep looking deep into the eyes.
Pretend like your going to kiss her .........walk away. If that don't work, she's either crazy or a man. I don't know about you married guys, but for a young single guy that s^it works for me. And if done at the right time, for you married guys it might work for you.
Just trying to help...
Cheers
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Originally posted by Tigeress
Too Funny! SGT203 :rofl
One humorous guy story deserves another; it's an old one but hope you enjoy it:
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder.
This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and gave her the finger.
“Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why:
I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that’s 76 miles. Of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper; most of the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like one car very 40 feet per lane. That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars on the areas not bumper-to-bumper.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That’s 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that’s 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that’s 98. 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that’s 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is armed.
No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn’t DREAM of giving her the finger!
TIGERESS
That’s just brilliant!