Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Angus on December 14, 2007, 07:14:03 AM
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Enjoy:
Guidelines for American Tourists
The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.
General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping. France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.
The People
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.
Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.
History
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.
Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.
Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.
Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Public Holidays
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).
Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.
Sorry Straffo :D
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(http://www.drunkendata.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/03/767france.jpg)
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Is Texas really bigger than France?
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Please don't hijack this thread, shrimp.
We now return you to your daily France bashing...
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British Columbia - 364,764 SQ MI
Ontario - 415,598 SQ MI
Quebec - 595,391 SQ MI
Texas - 261,797 SQ MI
Don't sneeze, you could miss Texas. :rofl :aok
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Originally posted by MiloMorai
British Columbia - 364,764 SQ MI
Ontario - 415,598 SQ MI
Quebec - 595,391 SQ MI
Texas - 261,797 SQ MI
DO you know why Canada has provinces instead of states? Because if they had states, they'd have to elect Moose and Beaver as governors for some of the states due to population...
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Originally posted by Ripsnort
Originally posted by MiloMorai
British Columbia - 364,764 SQ MI
Ontario - 415,598 SQ MI
Quebec - 595,391 SQ MI
Texas - 261,797 SQ MI
DO you know why Canada has provinces instead of states? Because if they had states, they'd have to elect Moose and Beaver as governors for some of the states due to population...
Caribou is the Governor of Alaska.:lol
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I just checked, Texas has the second largest economy of any U.S. state. And it is bigger in square miles than France.
If Texas was a country, it would rank 7th in emissions of greenhouse gasses. It pumps out 1 trillion pounds of CO2 per year.
It has a population of 23 million.
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Originally posted by AquaShrimp
If Texas was a country, it would rank 7th in emissions of greenhouse gasses. It pumps out 1 trillion pounds of CO2 per year.
And that still ain't enough CO2, damnit... its freakin' freezing outside right now...
I hate living in cold-wet-rainy Texas... Where's the sun? WHERE'S THE SUN?!
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The sun is blurred by the soot, and some things are bigger in France than Texas :D
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"37 National Liberation Days" :rofl
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One of the many sites devoted to the Complete Military History of France. (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html)
Slightly more detailed site. (http://www.panda.com/france/)
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Originally posted by E25280
One of the many sites devoted to the Complete Military History of France. (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html)
Slightly more detailed site. (http://www.panda.com/france/)
Now that is funny!
The first post should have mentioned the reluctance to bath in France.
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If I go to france and dress up in a WW2 german uniform, will the country surrender to me?
I will call it.....Meatwadia!
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As much as everyone else loves to bash the French, I really do like them.
One of my all-time favorite women is Eleanor of Aquitaine. She was a stunning character in history. Also, William the Marshal was awesome. Not saying they're the only two... just saying that they have a history & people worth respecting instead of always slapping them down just because 'everyone else' does it.
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well, don't forget Charles Martel who stopped the moorish invasion of france. He probably changed the history of western europe.
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Many did.
It was basically a joke thread BTW, just imagine the racket if I had a guidline thread about the USA, LOL.
French had their ups and downs, but I like them very much.
Despite some bad experience as a tourist during a train strike :D
BTW, they are a very nice group as tourists. (I run B&B in the summer)
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Originally posted by Angus
Many did.
It was basically a joke thread BTW, just imagine the racket if I had a guidline thread about the USA, LOL.
French had their ups and downs, but I like them very much.
Despite some bad experience as a tourist during a train strike :D
BTW, they are a very nice group as tourists. (I run B&B in the summer)
If you do find one about the US, I'd get a kick out of reading it. :)
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I once visited a French Goverment Building.
It was nice and quiet yet very confusing. Seems like they were all stuck inside, boxed in.
I felt sorry for them.
When in France please visit the House of Mimes.
:p
Mac
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ahhhh France...
There Always There .....When They Needs Us