Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Yarbles on September 19, 2008, 06:19:07 AM
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Message from the Queen
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Go ahead and share this with your friends in the USA (those with a good sense of humour and NOT humor.)
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What, she lost England to the muslims so she needs another country?
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Making fun of a queen is not smart.
Les
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answer to # 14
I think it was Fozzie Bear. He did it because nobody was laughing at
his jokes. I imagine the scenario went much like this:
Fozzie: "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!!"
-Silence. A cricket chirps softly-
FOZZIE: "I said, to get to the other SIDE!!" -Taps Microphone- "Is
this thing on? Ernie, can you hear me?"
ERNIE: - Says nothing, there's a banana in his ear, he can't hear anything.
FOZZIE: "Cookie Monster? Count? Oscar?"
COOKIE MONSTER: -singing, not paying attention- "C is for coo-kie,
good enough for meee..."
THE COUNT: "Nine hundred thousand, nine hundred ninety-six...Nine
hundred thousand, nine hundred ninety-seven...Nine hundred thousand,
nine hundred - Vait! Vere vas I? Ooooooohhhhhh!! Lost count AGAIN!! Oh
vell, I vill start over. One...Two...Three..."
OSCAR the GROUCH: "THAT'S THE STUPIDEST JOKE I EVER HEARD!!" -reaches
into his trash can, throws tomatoes- "BOOOOOO!!"
BIG BIRD: "It's okay, Fozz, not everyone can be as witty and charming
as our President, John F. Kennedy!"
FOZZIE: "I'LL GET YOU JOHN F. KENNEDYYYYYY!!!" -pauses to throw a pie
into Bert's face - "IF IT'S THE LAST THING I EVER DOOOO!!"
But of course it wasn't the last thing he ever did. Fozzie went on to
make generations of people laugh - well, maybe not generations. Fozzie
went on to make hundreds of people laugh - no, I guess that's not
right either...
Fozzie went on to make four children and a odd man named Larry laugh
uproariously with his signature dry delivery and repitoire of joke
classics such as "A horse walked into a bar" and "Why did the chicken
cross the road? Parts 3 and 4".
But sometimes, if you watch closely, you can see a strange smile
appear on the bear's face as the people laugh, as if to say "Take that
JFK! NOW who's the funniest! Now. Who's. The. Funniest..."
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:lol
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17. Bruv is not pronounced Broov, please do it properly on range vox or I will no longer assist in saving your cartoon life.
;)
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Message from the Queen
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
Hmmm Governor General to take control?? Well this is very reminiscent. Get Sir John Kerr over here to the USA to take control with his CIA mates. Then they can overthrow a sitting Prime Minister again & install a puppet for a leader once more only this time it will be here & not back in Australia. Falcon & the Snowman anybody?
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and that is why we trough you out in the first place yarbles... you don't understand us and we don't understand you and we both want it our way..
we won you lost... get over it.
lazs
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and that is why we trough you out in the first place yarbles... you don't understand us and we don't understand you and we both want it our way..
we won you lost... get over it.
lazs
:lol you love it :furious :aok :rofl
See I do understand you :D
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For Lazs
(http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a217/sarahjeanb/Peters/humor_install_ptro.gif)
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ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego
what a pity
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1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
You have the spelling wrong, it's aluminum. According to the correct spelling, we pronounce it just fine. :D
http://www.worldwidewords.org/articles/aluminium.htm
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<insert>Declaration of Independance<insert>
Here is my signature. Hope the queen can read it from England.
avionix
:D :D :D :D :D
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well.. I coulda said that I have seen that "joke" (or a version of it) at least 5 different times in the last ten years and that I did think it was funny the first time.. less so the second or so... now.. it just seems pitiful.
I thought it better to just say.. "we won..you lost.. get over it."
lazs
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rule 17: Americans may no longer brush their teeth and dentistry and orthodontics are heretofore crimes punishable by death.
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they would probly ask us to turn in our nasty firearms and drive on the wrong side of the road too.
lazs
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and drive on the wrong side of the road too.
lazs
That explains why so many people here are on my side of the road in head on situations :eek:.
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Gotta be careful here,a lot of my squaddies are Brits!The list was long and aggravating,but there is no way in hell,I can accept no American football.During those thirty second rest periods between plays,those finely tuned athletes are building up strength,so that they can obliterate anything that gets in their way,kevlar pads are no!My experience with soccer is that they play for a long time,score is usually settled by whom ever scores the first goal in a kickfest.Soccer players in the USA,are a brave lot,because they sure get a lot of bad mouthing from the football crowd!
IronDog
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Bad Karma to rag on the Queen. Do it in England and you'll get a bunch of boozing soccer sods stomping you into the pavement. Even the old Ladies will swing their handbags at your head.
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The 51st state is trying to take over the other 50? :lol
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What a misleading post. You mention our Queen, but not one reference to HRH :salute Oprah :salute
Charon
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heh.........
you wish........ :rofl
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Thank god, now I may finally have access to more of that delicious English food.
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Bad Karma to rag on the Queen. Do it in England and you'll get a bunch of boozing soccer sods stomping you into the pavement. Even the old Ladies will swing their handbags at your head.
I wouldn't want to find out about that. Did you come out OK? :rofl
Les
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18. With the exception of Chinese and Indian restaurant food, all food in America must be ruined by adding ingredients such as carrots, blood or kidney.
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19. Public display of emotion, under any circumstances, will not be tolerated.
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Gotta be careful here,a lot of my squaddies are Brits!The list was long and aggravating,but there is no way in hell,I can accept no American football.During those thirty second rest periods between plays,those finely tuned athletes are building up strength,so that they can obliterate anything that gets in their way,kevlar pads are no!My experience with soccer is that they play for a long time,score is usually settled by whom ever scores the first goal in a kickfest.Soccer players in the USA,are a brave lot,because they sure get a lot of bad mouthing from the football crowd!
IronDog
european soccer prrr..prr, compare apples with apples or at the least a pear or nashi....check out rugby or league
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20. All US cities and towns will gain a proper English suffix, such as: ...shire, ...caster, ...wick, ...chester, ...bury, ...ham & ...worth. (I.E.: San Franciscoham, Memphishire, New Yorkbury, Chicagowick, Seattleworth & Houstoncaster)
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Bad Karma to rag on the Queen. Do it in England and you'll get a bunch of boozing soccer sods stomping you into the pavement. Even the old Ladies will swing their handbags at your head.
ya, but do it over here, and they know better then to screw with us :D :noid
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20. All US cities and towns will gain a proper English suffix, such as: ...shire, ...caster, ...wick, ...chester, ...bury, ...ham & ...worth. (I.E.: San Franciscoham, Memphishire, New Yorkbury, Chicagowick, Seattleworth & Houstoncaster)
Wouldn't New York just go back to York?
I'd be ok with Tulsawick
:aok
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Wouldn't New York just go back to York?
I'd be ok with Tulsawick
:aok
No, it would go back to New Amsterdam. :D
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Hahaha. I love it! Great thread. Brits definitely have a better sense of humour... AH range channel is much more amusing when you're with a pack of Brits. ahaha
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I wouldn't want to find out about that. Did you come out OK? :rofl
Les
I aint stupid, nor do I act in anyway other then a perfect guest when I visit a foreign country. But the first thing they tell you is, "DONT SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT THE ROYALS".
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"5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse. "
:rofl
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Finally a good thread. This is getting interesting. (http://www.clipartof.com/images/emoticons/xsmall2/1974_eating_popcorn.gif) (http://www.clipartof.com)
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The Queen couldn't screw up the country any more that we did. We have been ruled by 2 different famlies for the last 28 years...hell put a crown on someones head I don't care.
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"10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion." The only thing that is supposed to be warm brown and lumpy is diarrhea !
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Yeah the Brits have funny ideas when it comes to Beer.
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11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. The Queen has summoned the Geico Gecko to answer for high crimes and misdemeanors regarding incursion on British based Lloyds of London's Insurance treaties in the colonies. All remaining British Expats in the colonies will be expected to return and explain themselves to the Crown for treasonable acts relating to diet, dental work and clothing.
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1. Aluminum
Hans Christian Oersted, a Danish chemist, was the first to produce tiny amounts of aluminum. Two years later, Friedrich Wöhler, a German chemist, developed a different way to obtain the metal. Wöhler's method was improved in 1854 by Henri Étienne Sainte-Claire Deville, a French chemist. Then on April 2, 1889, Charles Martin Hall patented an inexpensive method for the production of aluminum, which brought the metal into wide commercial use. Charles Martin Hall had just graduated from Oberlin College (loacated in Oberlin, Ohio) in 1885 with a bachelor's degree in chemistry, when he invented his method of manufacturing pure aluminum.
If I ever needed an expert on how to pronounce aluminum I'd first ask a Dane, then a German, then a Frenchman and finally ask the Americans since it was there the metal was brought into wide commercial use.
Not an Englishman in the bunch. :p
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Yeah.... don't bother asking the ENGLISH how to speak English.
:huh :lol
In the UK and other countries using British spelling, only aluminium is used. In the United States, the spelling aluminium is largely unknown, and the spelling aluminum predominates.[31][32] The Canadian Oxford Dictionary prefers aluminum, whereas the Australian Macquarie Dictionary prefers aluminium. The spelling in virtually all other languages is analogous to the -ium ending.
The International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry (IUPAC) adopted aluminium as the standard international name for the element in 1990, but three years later recognized aluminum as an acceptable variant. Hence their periodic table includes both, but places aluminium first.
Sorry buddy, you Yanks have it wrong. :aok
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A lot can be surmised about a culture from just considering it's slang and euphemisms.
banana.
For example.
Or maybe, Sod. As in 'Piss off, you sod.'
I'm just sayin...
:lol