Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: 1pLUs44 on June 09, 2009, 07:12:46 AM
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Anyone know any good jokes?
I got the basic:
ARMY = Arent Ready for Marines Yet.
MARINE = My A$s Rides In Navy Equipment
and that's about it.
I'd prefer some navy ones because my older brother goes to basic in November for the Navy, and I gotta give him hell because our family is primarily Army, and I plan to be a Marine.
Only one I got is:
What do you call a boat full of gay men? The Navy!
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after the meeting in the O-club 2 men were having an argument on if sex was 100% Fun or 100% work. After a heated argument the Officer asked a new recruit serving coffee to everyone "is sex was 100% Fun or 100% work,Private?" he thought for a moment, then replied "Well sir, if Sex was any work the officers will have me doing the work for them" The room was silent.
:lol
My Rule: Just say "Yes Sir!" all day and "No Sir!" All night.
:)
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after the meeting in the O-club 2 men were having an argument on if sex was 100% Fun or 100% work. After a heated argument the Officer asked a new recruit serving coffee to everyone "is sex was 100% Fun or 100% work,Private?" he thought for a moment, then replied "Well sir, if Sex was any work the officers will have me doing the work for them" The room was silent.
:lol
My Rule: Just say "Yes Sir!" all day and "No Sir!" All night.
:)
:lol
That's a good one.
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MARINE= Muscles Are Required Intelligence Not Expected
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MARINE= Muscles Are Required Intelligence Not Expected
:rofl
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http://www.strategypage.com/humor/default.asp (http://www.strategypage.com/humor/default.asp)
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When you send 400 Navy guys on a six month deployment, what do you get back?
200 happy couples.
Do you know why the Navy guys have such good looking kids?
The US Coast Guard
Navy motto: Haze grey and underway
NAVY stands for Never Again Volunter Yourself
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1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
8. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
9. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
10. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
11. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
12. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
13. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
14. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
15. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
16. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
17. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
:rofl
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"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ... The pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common ex pressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...! "
"Friendly fire - isn't"
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell
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WHY I WANT TO BE A PILOT
When I grow up I want to be a pilot because it's a fun job and easy to do. That's why there are so many pilots flying around these days.
Pilots don't need much school. They just have to learn to read numbers so they can read their instruments.
I guess they should be able to read a road map, too.
Pilots should be brave to they won't get scared it it's foggy and they can't see, or if a wing or motor falls off.
Pilots have to have good eyes to see through the clouds, and they can't be afraid of thunder or lightning because they are much closer to them than we are.
The salary pilots make is another thing I like. They make more money than they know what to do with. This is because most people think that flying a plane is dangerous, except pilots don't because they know how easy it is.
I hope I don't get airsick because I get carsick and if I get airsick, I couldn't be a pilot and then I would have to go to work.
— purported to have been written by a fifth grade student at Jefferson School, Beaufort, SC. It was first published in the South Carolina Aviation News.
Nothing said I had to crash.
— R.A. Bob Hoover, after hitting a telephone wire and losing two feet of wing in his P-51.
Muhammad Ali: Superman don’t need no seat belt.
Flight Attendant: Superman don’t need no airplane, either.
— quoted by Clifton Fadiman, 'The Little, Brown Book of Anecdotes,' 1985.
And My Favorite one that would make my uncle hate me:
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution logged by the mechanic.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in "altitude-hold" mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: Transponder inoperative.
S: Transponder always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn.
S: Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Radio switches stick
S: Peanut butter no longer served to flight crew
P: Screaming sound in cabin at start-up
S: Company accountant deplaned
P: Funny smell in cockpit
S: Pilot told to change cologne
P: Aircraft 2,400 lbs over max weight
S: Aircraft put on diet of 92 octane
P: #3 engine knocks at idle
S: #3 engine let in for a few beers
P: #3 engine runs like it's sick
S: #3 engine diagnosed with hangover
P: Brakes howl on application
S: Don't step on 'em so hard!
P: Radio sounds like a squealing pig
S: Removed pig from radio. BBQ behind hangar tomorrow
P: Whole aircraft smells like BBQ
S: Ground Checks OK
P: First class cabin floor has a squeak
S: Co-pilot told not to play with toddler toys in cabin anymore
P: Electrical governor is broke
S: Paid off governor's debt to Jimmy "The Fish" Galvano
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How To Simulate The Life Of A Sailor
* Buy a steel dumpster, paint it haze-gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
* Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
* Repaint your entire house every month. Color Choices-Haze Grey or Dark Grey
* Renovate your bathroom (and henceforth always refer to it as the "head"). Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub(shower-stall) and move the showerhead to chest level. When you take a shower, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down. (Wet down, turn off water, soap down, Turn on water rinse down! Navy Shower) (Hollywood Showers are showers that last more than one(1) Minute)
* Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
* Disassemble and inspect your lawn-mower every week.
* On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed. (call it "water hours")
* Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in. Put all your clothes under your mattress to press them!
* Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
* Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house -dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. (call it "PQS- Qualifications")
* Have your neighbor come over each day at 6 am, blow a whistle loudly, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
* Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while she reads it to you. (call it "Morning Muster Call")
* Submit a request watermelon to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 pm. (call it "Early-Liberty")
* Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. (Stop referring to the garbage bins as "SHIT-CAN's")
* Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you. (call it "Mail Call")
* Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. (call it "Movie Call")
* Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
* Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs or a horse cock sandwich . Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.( Horse cock= BOLOGNA)
* Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
* Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich OR HORSE COCK on stale bread. (Midrats=MIDNIGHT RATIONS)
* Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose. (call it "FIRE DRILL")
* Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
* Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox. (SOUND-POWERED TELEPHONES)
* Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time. (call it "QUARTERDECK WATCH")
* When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket and a bucket so you can puke in it.
* Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking. Or go to boiler room for some BT (Boiler Tech) coffee made from feed water, nasty tasting stuff, but you get used to it, drinking hot coffee when in 145 down there in front of the boilers, that's a cool day! In the Persian Gulf it gets hotter!
* Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears, and tell the barber just a little off the sides.
* Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
* Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house because you failed inspection, or you have ORI coming up.
* Have you wife press your skivvies, no starch!
* Get drunk and wind up in a tattoo parlor getting a tattoo on your wife's butt cheeks or a Choo Choo train coming out your butt hole.
* Eat your meal in less than 5 minutes to keep in practice, chewing not required!
* Shout out every time a women comes into your room, "female in quarters"!
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Anyone know any good jokes?
The Army...
:D
Semper Fi!
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:rofl :rofl :rofl number 6
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from some aviation bbs somewhere, comes the following exchange of letters between a young aspiring aviator, and a wise old veteran. I'm sure this has been on the AH board before, and I'm sure it will be placed here again in the future.
Sir,
My name is DJ Baker and I would appreciate it if you could tell me
what It takes to be an F18 fighter pilot for the Navy. What classes
should I take in high school to help the career I want to pursue later in
my life? What could I do to get in the Naval Academy?
Sincerely,
DJ Baker
A worldly and jaded P-3 Pilot, LCDR Jay Beasley, rose to the task by
responding to DJ's letter...
Dear DJ,
Obviously, through no fault of your own, your young, impressionable
brain has been poisoned by the superfluous, hyped-up, "Top Gun" media
portrayal of fighter pilots. Unfortunately, this portrayal could not be
further from the truth. In my experience, I've found most fighter pilots
pompous, back-stabbing, momma's boys with inferiority complexes, as well
as being extremely overrated aeronautically.
However, rather than dash your budding dreams of becoming a USN pilot, I
offer the following alternative: What you REALLY want to aspire to is
the exciting, challenging, and rewarding world of Maritime Patrol. And
this, young DJ, means one thing....the venerable workhorse, THE P-3
Orion! I can guarantee no fighter pilot can brag that he has flown a
mining run at 300 ft above the water, at 300 knots, while trying to
calculate a means of justifying an emergency divert to Pattaya Beach,
Thailand, avoiding shipping, and yelling at the TACCO, all while eating
a box lunch, with the engineer in the back taking a piss and the
navigator puking in his trash can!
I tell you, DJ, Maritime Patrol is where it's at! Where else is it legal
to throw hazardous material out of the aircraft, and not even give a
crap what Greenpeace and the other tree huggers think! No where else can
you crawl in the back of the aircraft and take a nap because you are so
hung over that focusing your eyes takes to much effort! And talk about
exotic travel? When P-3's go somewhere, they GO somewhere (usually for 6
months, unfortunately). This gives you the opportunity to immerse
yourself in the local culture enough to give any natives a bad taste in
their mouths for the USN and Americans in general, not something those
jet jocks can do from their staterooms on a ship!
As far as recommendations for your course of study, I offer these: Take
a lot of math courses. You will need all the advanced math skills you
can muster to enable you to calculate per diem rates around the world,
and when trying to split up the crew's bar tab so that the copilot
really believes he owes 85% of the whole thing and the NAV believing he
owes the other 20%.
Health sciences are important, too. You will need a thorough knowledge
of biology to make those educated guesses of how much longer you can
drink beer before the tremendous case of the ****s catches up to you
from that meal you ate at that place that had the belly dancers in some
Godforsaken foreign country whose name you can't even pronounce!
Social studies are also beneficial. It is important for a good Patrol
Plane Commander (PPC) to have the cultural knowledge to be able to
ascertain the exact location of the nearest titty bar in any country in
the world. Then be able to persuade the local authorities to release the
RADAR operator, after he offends every sensibility of the local religion
and culture.
A foreign language is helpful, but not required. You will never be able
to pronounce the names of the NAVAIDs in Italy, and it's much easier to
ignore them and go where you want to anyway. As a rule of thumb: Waiters
and bellhops in France are always called "Pierre", in Spain it's "Hey,
Pedro", in Puerto Rico it's "Juan", and in Italy, of course, it's
"Mario." These terms of address also serve in other countries
interchangeably.
A study of geography is also paramount. You will need to know the basic
location of all the places you've been when you get back from your
deployment and are ready to stick those little pins in that huge world
map you've taped to your living room wall, right next to that gigantic
wooden giraffe statue and beer stein collection.
Well, DJ, I hope this little note inspires you. And by the way, forget
about that Naval Academy thing. All P-3 guy's know that there are waaay
too few women and too little alcohol there to provide a well-balanced
education. A nice, big state college would be a much better choice.
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Right now... somewhere in the world... there is a Navy Ensign who has been underwater in a sub for the past 6 months straight saying to himself "I love my job."
Right now... somewhere in the world... there is an Army Pvt humping a 50lbs pack through knee deep mud saying to himself "I love my job."
Right now... somewhere in the world... there is a Marine Lance Corporal humping a 100lbs pack through chest deep mud saying to himself "I love my job."
Right now... somewhere in the world... there is an Airforce Lt who's computer froze while playing solitaire saying to himself "I hate this &^%#% job."
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The AirCav pilot as seen by:
Headquarters: An elitist salamander. A drunken, brawling, woman corrupting, hard flying bellybutton kicker with faded jungle fatigues, illegal mustache, a yellow neckerchief, a sword and a brown cowboy hat. "His high number of KBA’s helps us overlook the little indiscretions".
His Commander: A fine specimen of an elite, drunken, brawling, woman corrupting, hard flying butt kicker in a barely serviceable uniform, with a slightly marginal mustache, a nifty looking yellow Cav scarf, a dress saber, and a tan Cavaly hat. "All of those KBA’s are dandy and are direct reflections on me and enhances my career. I may make Major General"!
Himself: A stout hearted, handsome, highly trained professional killing machine. Suave and debonair (swavy & deboner), a true male God to all females, he wears jungle fatigues that were tailored downtown while he was "entertaining" at "Ci Ci’s Steam & Cream". He earned his grubby yellow scarf by drinking from D Troop’s special "cup" and can still smell some of the contents which stuck in his long droopy mustache. The saber is razor sharp and ready for that rare chance of a "Saber Kill". He wears the Silver-belly Tan Stetson that he paid 30 hard earned bucks for and waited three months for the mail to deliver. He’s proud to be in a unit like this even if they won’t let him get KBA’s at Christmas time.
His wife/girlfriend/rented companionship during R&R: A skinny, gross, crude, foul-mouthed bum with a hard-on who showed up drunk and with the clap. "He started peeling the uniform off at the airport, all but the nasty yellow rag around his neck and that mangy looking gray cowboy hat. What we won’t do for money or a trip to Hawaii. What the hell is a KBA?"
Department of the Army: An overpaid, over sexed, over-rated tax burden who is indispensable but expendable. He will volunteer to go anywhere as long as he can drink, brawl, corrupt women, fly and fight. He sings dirty party songs in the presence of VIPs, wears un-military looking uniforms, grows unauthorized facial hair, wears unauthorized neck accouterments, carries unauthorized edged weapons at inappropriate times and flaunts his unauthorized head gear. Hell, he doesn’t even wear the right color of unauthorized head gear. But… He gets results and KBA’s make good press.
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THE ANAL EQUINOX
The Anal Equinox is a rare event that occurs when some helicopter pilots make ever tightening, successive, 360 degree turns. They actually cross the rectal event horizon and fly up their own alimentary canals.
This phenomena was seen mainly among helicopter Scout pilots in Vietnam. Occasionally they could completely disappear for short periods of time. Cobra high bird crews can attest to this fact.
WARNING! Non-Scout type aviators must not attempt this maneuver without the supervision of an onboard, qualified instructor pilot.
Some less skilled pilots attempting the maneuver only partially encountered the Equinox to their shoulders and suffered the dreaded Rectal/Cranial Inversion (RCI) and thus exacerbated the condition by depriving the brain of oxygen, usually resulting in catastrophic uncontrolled aircraft contact with the ground.
The secrets of the Anal Equinox were never taught in flight school and are closely guarded by the Aero-Scout community. The uninitiated are unable to complete the process and are often doomed to repeat iterations of the RCI.
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(http://www.cavhooah.com/images/hu-ambush.gif)
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For those of you who are/were a aircraft maintainer like me, you will understand all of this.
You Might Be a Maintainer If.... A tribute to the Maintainers!!!!
1.You've ever slept on the concrete under a wing
2.You've ever said, "Oh yes sir, it's supposed to look like that."
3.You've ever sucked LOX to cure a hangover.
4.You know what jet fuel tastes like.
5.You've ever used a grease pencil to fix an overworn tire.
6.You have a better benchstock in the pockets of your flightsuit than the
supply system.
7.You've ever used a piece of safety wire as a toothpick.
8.You've ever had to say, "My boots are still black!" (or ever spray-painted
them black)
9.You refer to a pilot as a "control stick actuator."
10.You've ever been told to go get "some engine wash and a yard of
flightline."
11.You've ever worked a 14 hour shift on a aircraft that isn't flying the
next day.
12.You've ever said "as long as she starts every other try you'll be fine
sir."
13.You believe the aircraft has a soul.
14.You talk to the aircraft.
15.You've ever said, "That nav light burned out after launch."
16.You've ever used a wheel chock as a hammer.
17.The only thing you know about any city is where the good bars are.
18.You know more about your coworkers than you do about your own family.
19.You've ever looked for pictures of "your" aircraft in aviation books.
20.You can't figure out why maintenance officers exist.
21.You ever wished the pilot would just say, "Great aircraft!"
22.You take it as a badge of honor to be just called " a Det Hound."
23.You relieve yourself more often outdoors than indoors.
24.You can't comprehend why everyone doesn't want to be a Maintainer.
25.You think everyone who isn't a Maintainer is a wimp....
26.You can sleep anywhere, anytime, but as soon as the engines shut down you
are wide awake.
27.You've ever stood on wheel chocks to keep your feet dry.
28.Used dykes to trim a fingernail.
29.Wiped leaks immediately prior to crew show.
30.Worn someone else's cover to chow.
31.All you care about is the flying schedule and your days off.
32.Wondered where they keep finding the idiots that keep making up stupid
rules.
33.You've ever had to defuel an aircraft an hour after refueling it.
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P: The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn.
S: Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn.
:rofl
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I think the Rangers in this community might like this, look for Marine seal at the end
Marines < Army Infantry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOKhwcWEYlw
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The Army...
:D
Semper Fi!
Ooohrahhhh :rock :aok
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I'll just post what I did the last time this thread came around...
Two navy pilots were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"
The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"
So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any."
So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. "poop!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result.
Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt.
When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy swears and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be a total moron! No one could land on anything that short!"
The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!"
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A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 pm he sees a General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.
"Do you know how to work this thing?" the General asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."
"Yes, sir," says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in.
(PAUSE)
"Now," says the General, "I just need one copy....."
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The Politically Correct Battlefield
They're not our enemy; they're our socio-political compliment.
We don't damage their aircraft; we make unauthorized in-flight modifications.
We don't spy; we deal in unreleased information.
They're not casualties; they're inoperative battle units.
We don't have scouts; we have unauthorized observers.
We don't miss; we fail to effectively engage the target.
We don't waste missiles; we run a non-cost-effective equipment exchange.
We don't attack; we aggressively move into pre-occupied territory.
We don't retreat; we reconsolidate at a previously held position.
We don't waste money, we fail to effectively utilize funding.
We're not at war; we're sanctioning with extreme prejudice.
******************************************************
Seeking Protection
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such and such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
^^^^^
Wife-ack FTW!
:D
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You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such and such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
:rofl :rofl :rofl
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That runway one was Funny!
:lol
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French Army
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A group of Visigoths who were recently captured by the Roman Army. They were met by the commander of the Roman POW camp.
He announced," Welcome to the best prison in the Empire!" He said that with a wide smile adding," Once, you stay here, you'll never want to leave."
The prisoners had heard the horror stories of Roman prisons. They didn't believe a word.
"Now, I know that the rumors you have heard are completely untrue. There's no dark stinky cells we're going to put you in. Each of you will have the most luxurious accomodations that our glorious Emperor has to offer. We respect all our adversaries and want them to feel at home."
The prisoners moods began to change from dark thoughts to a more lighter tone. The commander began to give them a tour of the prison. Large rooms with no bars. Soft beds with feathered pillows. Gardens of flowers and statues dotted the prison. The prisoners started to think that being captured was the best thing to happen to them.
The commander went on with his speech," We, Romans, pride ourselves on appreciating the things in life with beauty. Tomorrow on Monday, the finest artists, sculpturers, and poets will be here to expand our knowlegde of the world around us. We'll have many discussion groups to ponder the mysteries of life."
The prisoners were becoming very interested in the commander's speech. Smiles began to spread across the faces.
Knowing that he had thier attention, the commander kept on," We, Romans, know that being men requires a certain softer touch in life. So, on Wednesdays, we bring the most beautiful women in the far reaches of the Empire to the prison. That day, we can enjoy the fruits they have to offer us. Lovemaking will be in the air!"
Now the assembled prisoners were just drooling at that piece of information. The commander had thier complete attention.
He asked," Do you want to hear more?"
The prisoners went wild. They shouted for more.
The commander asked," Do you enjoy fighting everyman in gladitorial combat to the death until one man stands victorious over all the others?"
All at once the mood of the prisoners fell to the ground.
The commander put a frown on his face," Then I'll take that you're not going to like Fridays."
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A group of Visigoths who were recently captured by the Roman Army. They were met by the commander of the Roman POW camp.
He announced," Welcome to the best prison in the Empire!" He said that with a wide smile adding," Once, you stay here, you'll never want to leave."
The prisoners had heard the horror stories of Roman prisons. They didn't believe a word.
"Now, I know that the rumors you have heard are completely untrue. There's no dark stinky cells we're going to put you in. Each of you will have the most luxurious accomodations that our glorious Emperor has to offer. We respect all our adversaries and want them to feel at home."
The prisoners moods began to change from dark thoughts to a more lighter tone. The commander began to give them a tour of the prison. Large rooms with no bars. Soft beds with feathered pillows. Gardens of flowers and statues dotted the prison. The prisoners started to think that being captured was the best thing to happen to them.
The commander went on with his speech," We, Romans, pride ourselves on appreciating the things in life with beauty. Tomorrow on Monday, the finest artists, sculpturers, and poets will be here to expand our knowlegde of the world around us. We'll have many discussion groups to ponder the mysteries of life."
The prisoners were becoming very interested in the commander's speech. Smiles began to spread across the faces.
Knowing that he had thier attention, the commander kept on," We, Romans, know that being men requires a certain softer touch in life. So, on Wednesdays, we bring the most beautiful women in the far reaches of the Empire to the prison. That day, we can enjoy the fruits they have to offer us. Lovemaking will be in the air!"
Now the assembled prisoners were just drooling at that piece of information. The commander had thier complete attention.
He asked," Do you want to hear more?"
The prisoners went wild. They shouted for more.
The commander asked," Do you enjoy fighting everyman in gladitorial combat to the death until one man stands victorious over all the others?"
All at once the mood of the prisoners fell to the ground.
The commander put a frown on his face," Then I'll take that you're not going to like Fridays."
:rofl
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Anyone know any good jokes?
I got the basic:
ARMY = Arent Ready for Marines Yet.
MARINE = My A$s Rides In Navy Equipment
and that's about it.
I'd prefer some navy ones because my older brother goes to basic in November for the Navy, and I gotta give him hell because our family is primarily Army, and I plan to be a Marine.
Only one I got is:
What do you call a boat full of gay men? The Navy!
Tell him that the Navy are all just wusses who eat real food and get to do Spring Cleaning every week or so.
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Right now... somewhere in the world... there is an Airforce Lt who's computer froze while playing solitaire saying to himself "I hate this &^%#% job."
and that was only the 1st day of my 25 years!
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Skippy's List:
http://skippyslist.com/list/