Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => Aces High General Discussion => Topic started by: A8TOOL on June 12, 2009, 11:57:18 AM
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After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet \
per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last .
P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Couple of other funny clips...cept for the 1st
http://www.esnips.com/doc/5318e60a-ac2c-4bef-88f0-47e687970cfd
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&oi=video_result&ct=res&cd=4&url=http%3A%2F%2Fvideo.google.com%2Fvideoplay%3Fdocid%3D-3040229363361336754&ei=LnwySqjoEY_wMpqH7f4J&usg=AFQjCNF2k6LH-aUVJMZWzugBIxb5Sl3Jog&sig2=k1Jt0YsNLoTUaedHJCUa4Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8ip5oGlMfU
http://youtube.com/watch?v=V43UkHSLYGE&mode=related&search=
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rn32oQyrDQc
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After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet \
per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last .
P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
these are real :rofl
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P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
Translation-
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Couldn't find leak, evidence has been destroyed.
:aok
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P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
Translation-
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Couldn't find leak, evidence has been destroyed.
:aok
Think it meant wiped off or cleaned, yours makes no sense.
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After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet \
per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last .
P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Couple of other funny clips...cept for the 1st
http://www.esnips.com/doc/5318e60a-ac2c-4bef-88f0-47e687970cfd
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&oi=video_result&ct=res&cd=4&url=http%3A%2F%2Fvideo.google.com%2Fvideoplay%3Fdocid%3D-3040229363361336754&ei=LnwySqjoEY_wMpqH7f4J&usg=AFQjCNF2k6LH-aUVJMZWzugBIxb5Sl3Jog&sig2=k1Jt0YsNLoTUaedHJCUa4Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8ip5oGlMfU
http://youtube.com/watch?v=V43UkHSLYGE&mode=related&search=
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rn32oQyrDQc
:rofl :rofl :rofl That was hilarious.
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Most of the time you get: "Could not replicate" which translates into "I've wasted hours of my time thanks to you and got absolutely nothing fixed."
These are funny :aok
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Older than dirt, plus no one seems to notice that Quantas would not have a "targeting radar" or IFF :rolleyes:
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Most of the time you get: "Could not replicate" which translates into "I've wasted hours of my time thanks to you and got absolutely nothing fixed."
These are funny :aok
The F4 jocks at Moody AFB would write up the radar or bomb nav computer
everytime they threw a bad bomb. That resulted in a 60% CND or Could Not
Duplicate malfunction rate...all playing the game.
Best writeups I ever got were "Radar does not work in O.F.F. mode" written
by a WSO with 4 years on the jet no less. Also "Radar inop above 5,000 feet".
Yessir, I'll get my birdmen right on that trouble :rofl Actually there was a
pressure switch on the antenna which would disable the dar to prevent
damaging the receiver if pressurization was lost, easy 2 minute solder job on
the wires usually fixed it.
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Older than dirt, plus no one seems to notice that Quantas would not have a "targeting radar" or IFF :rolleyes:
IIRC, those are supposed to be maintenance records from the USAAF not a civilian airline.
ack-ack
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After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet \
per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last .
P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Couple of other funny clips...cept for the 1st
http://www.esnips.com/doc/5318e60a-ac2c-4bef-88f0-47e687970cfd
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&oi=video_result&ct=res&cd=4&url=http%3A%2F%2Fvideo.google.com%2Fvideoplay%3Fdocid%3D-3040229363361336754&ei=LnwySqjoEY_wMpqH7f4J&usg=AFQjCNF2k6LH-aUVJMZWzugBIxb5Sl3Jog&sig2=k1Jt0YsNLoTUaedHJCUa4Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8ip5oGlMfU
http://youtube.com/watch?v=V43UkHSLYGE&mode=related&search=
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rn32oQyrDQc
:rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :aok :aok
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:rofl
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Older than dirt, plus no one seems to notice that Quantas would not have a "targeting radar" or IFF :rolleyes:
Who cares? They were funny! :rofl :rofl :rofl :aok
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After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet \
per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last .
P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
:rofl :rofl Nice find tools!
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For those of you who are/were a aircraft maintainer like me, you will understand all of this.
You Might Be a Maintainer If.... A tribute to the Maintainers!!!!
1.You've ever slept on the concrete under a wing
2.You've ever said, "Oh yes sir, it's supposed to look like that."
3.You've ever sucked LOX to cure a hangover.
4.You know what jet fuel tastes like.
5.You've ever used a grease pencil to fix an overworn tire.
6.You have a better benchstock in the pockets of your flightsuit than the
supply system.
7.You've ever used a piece of safety wire as a toothpick.
8.You've ever had to say, "My boots are still black!" (or ever spray-painted
them black)
9.You refer to a pilot as a "control stick actuator."
10.You've ever been told to go get "some engine wash and a yard of
flightline."
11.You've ever worked a 14 hour shift on a aircraft that isn't flying the
next day.
12.You've ever said "as long as she starts every other try you'll be fine
sir."
13.You believe the aircraft has a soul.
14.You talk to the aircraft.
15.You've ever said, "That nav light burned out after launch."
16.You've ever used a wheel chock as a hammer.
17.The only thing you know about any city is where the good bars are.
18.You know more about your coworkers than you do about your own family.
19.You've ever looked for pictures of "your" aircraft in aviation books.
20.You can't figure out why maintenance officers exist.
21.You ever wished the pilot would just say, "Great aircraft!"
22.You take it as a badge of honor to be just called " a Det Hound."
23.You relieve yourself more often outdoors than indoors.
24.You can't comprehend why everyone doesn't want to be a Maintainer.
25.You think everyone who isn't a Maintainer is a wimp....
26.You can sleep anywhere, anytime, but as soon as the engines shut down you
are wide awake.
27.You've ever stood on wheel chocks to keep your feet dry.
28.Used dykes to trim a fingernail.
29.Wiped leaks immediately prior to crew show.
30.Worn someone else's cover to chow.
31.All you care about is the flying schedule and your days off.
32.Wondered where they keep finding the idiots that keep making up stupid
rules.
33.You've ever had to defuel an aircraft an hour after refueling it.
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Holy crap in my 11 years as a crew chief I did just about all those....too funny.
1985-1989 F-5E/F's
1989-1996 F-16 A/B/C/D blocks 10-52
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If ya ever have been told the part you are working on is "HOT" because the plane is AOG when the plane is really sitting in the hangar, on base on a Heavy C check visit. This one happens to me at least once a week.
:salute
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If ya ever have been told the part you are working on is "HOT" because the plane is AOG when the plane is really sitting in the hangar, on base on a Heavy C check visit. This one happens to me at least once a week.
:salute
AOG to us means the jet is dead until the part gets there. Absolutely as unusable as one in a C-Check. That's almost as bad as putting a WA ETIC on it. That just about guarantees the WA is gonna slide past departure time.
AOG = pats + install time
WA = not today unless we're forced to do it.
The only one that worried me is the grease pencil on a worn tire. It is either within limits or not. To do anything else is to affect safety of flight.
One thing of note is a mx guy almost became a control stick actuator out at Pt Mugu a long long time ago. The drone (F4) had a mx problem on the hold short line. The mx guy went to the jet and climbed in to correct the problem. The guy flying the plane from the shed almost took off with him in it. The jet was being sortied to be used for Phalanx pratice. That would have smarted....:)
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man it's scary how many memories Beau's list brings back :aok
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When I was with the 8th AMS, our favorite fix was " found short between head sets"
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By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
Really? :noid
qantas incident (http://www.google.it/search?source=ig&hl=it&rlz=1G1GGLQ_ITIT301&=&q=qantas+incident&btnG=Cerca+con+Google&meta=lr%3D&aq=f&oq=)
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Got a good laugh out of the OP's list.... ;)
Stories from my time as Maintainer on F-111s
During a Training Exercise in December.
Told to go set in our shelter, in the middle of a Down pour! Cannon AFB NM has No shelters! :O
Story told from other maintainers. Weapon System Operator (WSO) kept complaining about his helmet had no
sound. (Repeated write up!) Avionics Tech. responding took Big screwdriver and climbed up to WSO. Saw what he suspected. Whacked the WSO upside the head a couple times and plugged in his helmet! The told him to have his helmet checked out!
Told by supervision to Cannibalise a 50 pin connector from one Jet to fix another. Avionics argued that this was not a good idea. Told to do it anyway. Upon removing from Can jet locking mech. on connector failed. Told supervision bad news. And where would they like us to get another? :rolleyes:
They decided not to take another connector! :salute
In its infinite wisdom in the Early 90s the USAF decided to go with Street numbers on buildings instead of building numbers. Which lead to the following.
While driving the Avionics truck on Mid shift (3rd shift), saw a dog/coyote running around by the flight line.
I Called Maintenance Control to have animal control come catch it before it got onto flight line.
MOC called back and ask what building is it by?
I told them the Name of the building, but nothing I had gave me building numbers. And the Numbers had just been all Removed from the corners of the buildings.
MOC ask: Can you give me a building number.
No; Some Idiot just took all the numbers off the buildings.
With in a week all buildings had thier numbers back! :x
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Really? :noid
qantas incident (http://www.google.it/search?source=ig&hl=it&rlz=1G1GGLQ_ITIT301&=&q=qantas+incident&btnG=Cerca+con+Google&meta=lr%3D&aq=f&oq=)
What I believe he means is Qantas has never had a fatal accident.
Qantas never crashed. Qantas never crashed. Qantas never crashed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeYf-rhMQIQ
That notwithstanding the definition of an accident and an incident regarding the NTSB and for legal purposes are different.
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Been around for years and years, in aviation circles
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For those of you who are/were a aircraft maintainer like me, you will understand all of this.
You Might Be a Maintainer If.... A tribute to the Maintainers!!!!
always fun to tell new line boys to go get a bottle of propwash.
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P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
:rofl
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That was copy and pasted from an email I recieved a couple years back and I think it's even older than that.
I was amazed to see how many real life aircraft maintenance personnel we actually have here in AH.
The youtube films are some of my favorites. They Crack me up and thought I'd share. Hope they made you laugh too.