Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: gpwurzel on November 30, 2009, 02:05:54 AM
-
Shamelessly stolen from another forum obviously, but this made me giggle this morning:-
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my donut trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of #### lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second.. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those pieces of #### chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
Damn!, I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die.... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI
motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created..
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire..
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as
you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumsqueak now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
-
ROFL!!! That 8 bullet is fracking hilarious.
-
:rofl :rofl :rofl
-
lolz, arrr, larf loik buggery.
-
wurzel, you git! That's an everyday occurance in Arkansas!!
ROX
-
Meh urban myth, electric fences pulse.
We used to go to a friends on the west coast of the South Island (NZ). They lived next to a river. Now the west coast is whitebait heaven, a small fish delicacy worth it's weight in gold. They had a creek that cut down to a river that was good for whitebaiting.
There are two methods of whitebaiting, set nets and and hand nets which are quite large on long (3-4metre) metal poles.
The problem with this ideal location was the crazy bit... old lady... next door. She had an electric fence she liked to crank up all the way, and the creek cut the corner on her property. The creek waterline was about 2 metres below the land level.
Sometimes I forgot about the fence and would be wandering down the creek, knee deep in water, lugging the net with me with a 3 metre metal pool sticking up. Getting a nice shock while in water is... interesting... to say the least. But not once did I lose bowel control (or any other). Though afterwards I usually needed to sit/lie down for 10-15 mins.
My last shock was a few months back, sitting behind an electric fence about to take a shot at a possum, my suppressor touched the fence. I now know rifles are conductive, and ammunition does not fire from an electric shock :D
-
My last shock was a few months back, sitting behind an electric fence about to take a shot at a possum, my suppressor touched the fence. I now know rifles are conductive, and ammunition does not fire from an electric shock :D
Just can't stop taking cheap shots at my fellow Australians can you? :)
-
That be a roight cracker, Wurzel, oo ar.
<thinks: been too long since I left Pompey, I'm starting to type with a Bristol accent>
:aok
-
Got that in an email a year or so ago still funny to this day. :salute
-
Some of the old fences didnt pulse, they were on unless unplugged or turned off.
my sister had horses and the box we had want that nasty but still give ya a good zapping.
-
In any case it is not the volts but the amps that make the difference.
Walk across the carpet in the winter and touch something for ground. That little tick and resulting spark is around 50,000 volts...... pushed by miliamps.