Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Maverick on January 16, 2010, 09:01:15 PM
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Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."
Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"
Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.
Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that.........it's too much of a mouthful to swallow".
Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.
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:rofl :rofl
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:rofl :aok
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Only one fault in an otherwise splendid report - he's known as Slimy Bin-Liner in these parts.
:cool:
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:rofl
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The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) has learnt the IRA have approached Al Qaeda UK management with an offer to take up and deliver the collateral damage aspects of the suiciders bombers contract. Union officials have stated that Al Qaeda UK management have been informed that any outside sub contracting is holly unacceptable and would escalate B.O.O.M. to ballet all member to vote for a full time strike and picketing at all mosques in the UK. The action of Al Qaeda UK management would affect every muslim in the UK.
We contacted the IRA for confirmation. Not surprisingly the management declined to be interviewed. They later released a statement “The IRA at present has extra capacity to handle all collateral damage and collateral deaths within UK terrorism. With our knowledge, expertise and long-standing track record we are confident that we can keep the name of Al Qaeda on front pages and news shows. We would also state that any suicide would be accidental.”
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They still haven't clarified if the virgins are male or female....would suck to find out its the wrong gender :D
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News from Paradise:
Cause of to much Suiciders there are only virgins age 60 and over avaible
...and when a Suicider is Gay?
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Still, even with the reduction in virgins....I'd like to have a couple in there with a few miles on them...They'd know what to do.
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Is this real?
-Penguin
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Is this real?
-Penguin
Yes
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Oh wow.
To Osama:
(http://ryanjames.us/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/facepalm.jpg)
-Penguin
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Is this real?
-Penguin
Come on kid it's a http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/parody
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I don't understand what you are talking about.
-Penguin
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Diehard come on man
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Thats funny , loss of virgins is a serious item . Hey who reports back that they are recieved and the paper work was filled out correctly .
Nutte :D :aok :rofl
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What do you mean? I really don't! What's a shades account anyway?
-Penguin
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72 virgins=72 mother's in law..Sounds like Hell to me. :devil
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They still haven't clarified if the virgins are male or female....would suck to find out its the wrong gender :D
You do realize the difference between sex and gender, right?
One hilarious post, Maverick! :lol
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I don't understand what you are talking about.
-Penguin
Even after I gave you the dictionary for clarity? :rolleyes:
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"are these my virgins?"
(http://www.mokopokoroko.com/games/pics/Achmed_the_Dead_Terrorist.jpg)
"These are a bunch of ugly dudes!"
(http://johncarmichaels.typepad.com/carmichaels_position/WindowsLiveWriter/image_52.png)
"I'm screwed!"
(http://data18.sevenload.com/slcom/ni/pd/gecjsk/pnvtnolhjf.jpg)
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"I kill you.........after the strike"
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Ive never seen the allure of the virgins.
72...10 even...experienced women is much more enticing. It must have something to do with there control issues over women. A virgin wont call ya "Shorty".