Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: gpwurzel on December 14, 2010, 02:54:31 AM
-
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he says. She got in the back-seat by mistake."
_____________________________ ________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses ... "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_____________________________ ________
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_____________________________ ________
SUPERSEX
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________ ________
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!" (my favorite!)
_____________________________ ________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________ ________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one Looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________ ________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" _____________________________ ________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
Please !!!!
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!!
**********
-
:rofl :rofl
-
:rofl
Ill take the soup :lol
-
:rofl
-
Three old guys sitting on the porch at the retirement home. First guy says, "Man, it stinks being 70!" His buds ask, "What's so bad about being 70?" First guy says, "I Can't Poop! Every morning, I sit there and push and push and push, but nothing happens. Takes hours! I hate being 70!"
Second guy says, "Aww, that's nothing. You should try being 80!"
They ask "What's so bad about being 80?"
"I can't Pee! Every morning I get up, and I stand there for hours before it finally starts to flow. Takes forever to finish too! I hate being 80!"
Third guy says, "You kids ain't got no idea. Just wait till you're 90!"
First guy asks, "What's so bad about 90? Can you pee?"
90 year old says, "Every morning, 7 o'clock!"
"Can ya poop?"
"Every morning, 7:30!"
"So what's so bad about being 90?"
90 year old says, "I don't get up till 8!"
-
I hope i die like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming, like his passengers.
-
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" :lol
Soup :rofl
-
:rofl :aok
-
When I was at training school we heard a story from New Zealand Police whereby they had been called to a nursing home for a violent disturbance.
When they arrived an ambulance was on scene, and around 20 residents were outside in various states of bewilderment.
One of the old boys involved in the fracas had a bloody nose and split lip, his vest was half torn off and one of his fingernails was missing.
The other gent involved was covered in blood, naked from the waist down, and with a hypodermic needle stuck through his noodle.
The fight had happened when no staff were nearby, neither of the protagonists remembered why they were fighting or what had happened, and neither did any of the other patients at the scene .
Both were treated and no charges were brought :headscratch:
-
:rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl Only if your lucky
-
:rofl nice
-
When I was at training school we heard a story from New Zealand Police whereby they had been called to a nursing home for a violent disturbance.
When they arrived an ambulance was on scene, and around 20 residents were outside in various states of bewilderment.
One of the old boys involved in the fracas had a bloody nose and split lip, his vest was half torn off and one of his fingernails was missing.
The other gent involved was covered in blood, naked from the waist down, and with a hypodermic needle stuck through his noodle.
The fight had happened when no staff were nearby, neither of the protagonists remembered why they were fighting or what had happened, and neither did any of the other patients at the scene .
Both were treated and no charges were brought :headscratch:
By the sounds of it, those oldtimers didn't forget how to give a savage beating!
Not to mention rule #1: Don't tell the cops nothin! :lol
-
Sorry gpwurzel, It already happened to you. You just don't remember it.
:D
-
What has? :D :D ;)
Wurzel
-
:lol Best thread I have seen on here in a long time. Thank you.
-
Wow, Skuzzy posted in a thread and it didn't get locked- it's the end of the world!
-Penguin
-
He's done it before.
-
You have to watch Skuzzy. The guy gets more threads locked than anyone else after posting in them and yet NEVER gets hit with the ban stick........
:huh :huh
:devil
-
See Rule #5
Two elderly women whose husbands were best friends were sitting on the front porch.
Being mere acquaintances the one decided to brag to the other, "Do you see this huge diamond on my finger? My husband gave me this when he proposed to me way back when!"
The other replied, "That's nice."
The first continued to brag, "Do you see that shiny Cadillac parked in the Garage over there? My husband gave me that car for our 25th anniversary!"
The other replied, "That's nice."
The first couldn't help herself, "And this large mansion we're sitting on the front porch of? My husband bought me this house for our 50th anniversary!"
The other replied, "That's nice."
The first finally had to know, "And what did YOUR husband buy you for YOUR anniversary?!"
The other replied, "He sent me to Finishing School."
The first, "And just why would he go and do something like that?"
"So I would learn how to to say 'That's nice' instead of WHO GIVES A BLEEP!"
----------------------
An elderly Widower had a son who was a great person, but who lives WAY too busy a life to care for him when he could no longer care for himself, so the son has him admitted to the best nursing home in town. During his first day there, the father sat alone, in a chair, watching television. The nursing staff noticed that he started to topple over to the left so they ran over to him and straightened him up and repositioned his pillow. Several minutes later they noticed him toppling over to the right so they ran over and straightened him up yet again. After these events pretty much repeated themselves over several times throughout the day, the son finds time to visit Dad after work later in the evening.
He asks him "How do you like the place after your first day, Dad?"
Dad replies "It's a nice enough place, but they simply refuse to let me fart!"
-
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a
hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
-
:salute
Old age, gets you every time.
-Penguin