Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Sabre on April 21, 2011, 09:12:01 AM
-
The Evils of Big Bread
A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, Smell of Baked Bread May Be a
Health Hazard. The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell
of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic
components of this aroma may break down ozone. (I'm not making this stuff
up.)
I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread - induced
global warming? Sure, we attack the tobacco companies, but when is the
government going to go after Big Bread?
Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make
anyone think twice...
1: More than 98 percent of all convicted felons are bread eaters.
2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
score below average on standardized tests.
3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home,
the average life expectancy was less than 50 years, infant mortality rates
were unacceptably high, many women died in childbirth, and diseases such
as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of
eating bread.
5: Bread is made from a substance called dough. It has been proven that
as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The
average American eats more bread than that in a single month!
6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence
of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's Disease, and osteoporosis.
7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and
given only water begged for bread after just two days.
8: Bread is often a gateway food item, leading the user to harder
items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more
than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread can lead to your
body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a
soggy, gooey, bread-pudding-like mass.
10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That
kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread
restrictions:
1: No sale of bread to minors.
2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills
we might associate with bread.
4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to
children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5: A 4.2 skyrillion dollar excess profit tax on the three biggest bread manufacturers.
Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this
crucial health threat.
Remember: Think globally, act idiotically.
-
Ozone depletion is not related to global warming, but don't stop now - you're on a roll! (pun intended) :bolt:
-
I'm outraged!!!!! :furious
Down with bread!!! Down with bread!!!!
-
We knead to punch down this dough uprising before it gets heated!
-
Maybe it was supposed to be irony but in fact bread is high carb product (especially white bread) that's directly contributing to obesity and other lifestyle diseases such as type II diabetes. Bread breaks down to glucose faster than white sugar does in metabolism.
-
How about a 10 day waiting period on bags of bread with more than 30 pieces?
-
If we enact laws to curb the legal sale of bread won't people just go underground and make it at home?
-
Maybe it was supposed to be irony but in fact bread is high carb product (especially white bread) that's directly contributing to obesity and other lifestyle diseases such as type II diabetes. Bread breaks down to glucose faster than white sugar does in metabolism.
Strange as it might seem, according to my renal diet, white bread is better for me than whole grain breads.
-
:lol :lol :lol
Good one!
-
This is a slippery slope. If you go after bread, what will be next muffins? Biscuits will be labeled "assault bread" and then we will be subject to background checks. What about bread shows? will they be subject to the same requirements.
If you outlaw bread, only outlaws will make sandwiches.
You can take my kaiser roll from my cold dead hands.
-
:rofl :rofl
-
5: A 4.2 skyrillion dollar excess profit tax on the three biggest bread manufacturers.
:huh :headscratch: :noid
-
Ozone depletion is not related to global warming, but don't stop now - you're on a roll! (pun intended) :bolt:
Come on! Its bun intended! :P
-
When bread is outlawed, only outlaws will have bread.
-
This would be a good time to fire up the wood stove, roll up a log, and just kick back and bake. :uhoh
-
Bread is made with dihydrous monoxide, another highly dangerous substance, known to cause death in humans. You have been warned.
:old:
-
Bread made with High Fructose Corn Syrup is cheaper and more addictive than bread made with....wait for it....SUGAR!
Down with HFCS! Its the silent. secret, cheap dealer behind the scenes!
-
Bread is made with dihydrous monoxide, another highly dangerous substance, known to cause death in humans. You have been warned.
:old:
Dihydrous monoxide is also found in all cancer cells and its found in very high concentrations in acid rain.
-
We should all live in big sterile bubbles. Our farts are unhealthy
-
I just called my doctor to confirm this startling report. He told me up to 100% of the people who have died in the US in the last 50 years have eaten bread. We need a safe alternative.
-
We should all live in big sterile bubbles. Our farts are unhealthy
Hmmm, I don;t think being in a bubble would help with that issue :neener:
-
7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and
given only water begged for bread after just two days.
:aok :aok When its placed in the basket in front of me at a restaurant, I can't stop eating it.
yummm bread...
-
Indeed, we must put a stop to this, for the childrens' sake. It's the yeast we can do! :devil
-
:aok :aok When its placed in the basket in front of me at a restaurant, I can't stop eating it.
yummm bread...
Case in point.. Texas Roadhouse.. and the butter.. OMG....
-
:aok :aok When its placed in the basket in front of me at a restaurant, I can't stop eating it.
yummm bread...
so it's addictive as well... the yeast we can do is rise to the occasion and turn up the heat on the evil suppliers of bread.
-
Psst, hey man you know where I can score some bread. :neener: