Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: AKKuya on July 29, 2011, 09:11:51 PM
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You might be a redneck pilot if;
you've retro fitted a gun rack in your Cessna 172
your stall warning horn plays Dixie
you have tobacco stains on your empennage
you're wondering "what the heck is an empennage?"
you've ever called a female ATC controller "darlin"
you hangar your airplane at Kissimmee
you've ever referred to your horizontal stabilizer as "the tailgate"
your runway, taxiway and tie-down spot are the same
you've ever hauled lumber in your airplane
your A&P mechanic's name is "Bubba"
you converted your Cherokee to run on corn sqeezins (that's home-made liquor for all you city pilots)
your chief pilot is from Cullman, Alabama (just kidding Steve)
you think GPS stands for "Gators play Seminoles"
your flight plan calls for a left turn at the hog pen
you have a Cessna 150 up on cement blocks in your front yard
your multi-function display receives the Nashville Network
you keep a spare pack of Skoal in the airplane
your bass boat motor has more horsepower than your airplane's engine
your house and your hangar both have wheels
you secretly hope John Deere starts building airplanes
your CFI lives in St. Cloud (just kidding Ryan)
you turn base-to-final over the Super Wal-Mart
you've ever fantasized of flying with Dolly Parton in your airplane
you've ever bought pilot supplies at a flea market
you've ever asked a bar-tender for a Nav Light
your first solo cross-country was to Wachula
your weight and balance calculations included 5 cases of Budweiser
you've ever tried to pick-up chicks at Oshkosh
Your "plotter" sports an ad for Tractor Supply
You fly a Rollscanardly (rolls down the runway and can hardly fly)
You have a confederate flag on your com antenna
Lies we've all told:
I broke out of the clouds right at minimums
I've logged more than 2000 hours of turbine time
I've never over-loaded my airplane
I have over 2000 hours of PIC cross-country
Have you seen the keys to my G-5?
I have over 2000 hours of dual given
I have the traffic in sight
I've got over 2000 hours of multi time
I'm not interested in flying for the airlines
I've logged over 2000 hours of actual instrument time
Yes, pilots make the big bucks
I've got over 2000 hours in tail draggers
Yes, tower, I responded. You didn't hear me?
I've logged more than 2000 carrier landings
You're not picking up my squawk code? Here, let me recycle the transponder
I've logged over 2000 hours in helicopters
Yes, this is my airplane
I've put over 2000 hours on this airplane
The airport where I trained had a 500 foot grass runway
I've logged over 2000 landings on 500 foot grass runways
I have the check-list memorized
I've now logged over 2000 stupid aviation jokes
Q: What makes a helicopter fly?
A: They don't actually fly. They are so ugly, the ground repels them!
Aviation Wisdom
You’ve never got too much fuel unless you are on fire
It’s better to be down here wishing you were up there than to be up there wishing you were down here
If the houses are getting bigger lift the pointy bit at the front
There is nothing more useless than runway behind you
FAA Written Exams: $80. With answers: $180
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:rofl
"your stall warning horn plays dixie"
That made me spit coke all over the monitor LOL
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you've ever referred to your horizontal stabilizer as "the tailgate"
THAT one made me :rofl harder than I have in a while!
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The three most useless things in aviation:
1. Fuel in the fuel truck.
2. Runway behind you.
3. Altitude above you.
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What's wrong with picking up chicks at Oshkosh??? Aside from the hotel room prices that is... :devil
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I've always like these:
Squawk Sheet
Problem Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
Problem Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Problem Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution Evidence removed.
Problem IFF inoperative.
Solution IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution That's what they're there for.
Problem Number three engine missing.
Solution Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Problem The autopilot doesn't.
Solution IT DOES NOW.
Problem Something loose in cockpit.
Solution Something tightened in cockpit.
Problem Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution Cannot reproduce Problem on ground.
Problem Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution Live bugs on order.
Problem DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution Volume set to more believable level.
Problem #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution #2 Propeller seepage normal.
Problem #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.
Problem F/A's complain of numerous roaches in the galleys
Solution Roaches deplaned
Problem 3 roaches in galley.
Solution 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.
Problem Mouse in radio stack.
Solution Cat installed in radio stack.
Problem Weather radar went ape-%@#&!
Solution Opened radome, let out ape, cleaned up %@#&!
Problem Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Solution Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!
Problem Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Solution Pilot removed from aircraft.
Problem Pilot's clock inoperative.
Solution Wound clock.
Problem Autopilot drops a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
Solution Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.
Problem #2 ADF needle runs wild.
Solution Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.
Problem Lower Rotating Beacon half-full of water.
Solution Lower Rotating Beacon topped off.
Problem Approximately 2 each wires in bundle burned.
Solution Removed and replaced between 1 and 3 wires.
Problem No 2 engine oil overserviced.
Solution No 2 engine oil under-overserviced.
Problem Aircraft handles funny.
Solution Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!!.
Problem Target Radar hums.
Solution Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.
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True radio conversation. Berlin air traffic control british airways flight 192 request taxi instructions to BA gate 10. FLIGHT 192 HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE. Tower flight 192 yes I have but it was 30 years ago dark and I dident land. No further traffic from tower just loud laffing from vet pilots.
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LOL! :rofl