Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Nomde on May 12, 2014, 02:20:25 AM
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Have a Joke, post it...
Try to keep it somewhat anonymous, so as to not piss off anyone specific... unless it's about yourself :D
A 109 pilot, a sheep, and a ewe walk into a bar. The sheep and ewe come out staggering, and the 109 pilot comes out with his pants around his ankles.
A woman passing by asks the 109 pilot, why did you do that to those pour animals? The 109 pilot replies… the animals hell, I’m still trying to get this horn outta my ars! :lol
A variation on a classic :x
Three P51 Pilots found themselves before St. Peter.
St. Peter says “Welcome my children, tell me your sin and you may enter the gates of Heaven.”
The first Pilot came forward and said, “ I have sinned with my hands”.
St. Peter replied “Wash your hands in this bowl, and you may enter.”
Just then, the 3rd Pilot cut in line in front of the 2nd.
Surprised, St. Peter asked the 3rd Pilot, “My child, why have you done this?”
To which the 3rd Pilot replied… “I want to wash my mouth out, before he sticks his ars in it…”
How many Luftwaffe Pilots does it take to down a P47? Depends on how much porn they’re downloading while jerking the stick around. :bolt:
What did Frenchy say to Nomde while diving past him to the deck? Check 6, btw… thanks for clearing mine. :huh
How does anyone manage to fly to P38? :neener:
1. Grab stick and yank it uncontrollably
2. Flail rudder peddles back n forth while giggling hysterically
3. Alt-tab back into game sending lesbian porn to background
4. Grab the yoke, bank hard, throttle back, shoot.
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I'd laugh, but it may earn me a rule #2 or #4 or something...
Ahh, what the hell, you only live once. :lol
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Dolby , Huskie and Krieg are sitting in a car.... Who is driving?
The cops!
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:lol
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Nomde are you back?
With Frenchy and Ammo it's 2007 all over again :uhoh
:D :D :D
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, you have never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing... but I didn't stop."
Newton's Law states that what goes up, must come down. Our Company Commander's Law states that what goes up and comes down had damn well better be able to go back up again.
— sign in the Operations Office of the 187th Assault Helicopter Company, Tay Ninh, Viet Nam, 1971.
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:banana:
:lol
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:rofl
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A horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks.."what's with the long face?" Hahhahahahahhahaha Cant tell that one enough!
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:bhead
One time at band camp. . . .
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A horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks.."what's with the long face?" Hahhahahahahhahaha Cant tell that one enough!
Two guys walk into a bar.......... the third guy ducks!
:rofl
wait.......
:huh
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2 blondes are walking down the road one was on the north side of the road the other was on the south side of the road, the blonde on the south side of the road yells to the blonde on the north side " excuse me but how do you get to the other side " the blonde on the north side of the road says you're already on the other side..........
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Isn't Frenchy just the best squaddie ever? :lol :P
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(http://www.troll.me/images/antijoke-chicken/a-horse-walks-into-a-bar-the-bartender-asks-why-the-long-face-the-horse-unable-to-understand-human-speech-promptly-poops-on-the-floor-and-leaves.jpg)
(http://www.quickmeme.com/img/4f/4f16beffb87d963d0867a9ecfef2e9e3471d817ef43debcf31af035cfb7053bc.jpg)
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A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any duck food?”
The bartender says, “No.”
The next day, the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any duck food?”
The bartender says, “No.”
The next day, the duck walks into the bar again and asks the bartender, “Do you have any duck food?”
The bartender says, “No, I don’t have any duck food, and if you ask me again, I’m going to nail your little webbed feet to the bar.”
The next day, the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any nails?”
The bartender says, “No.”
“Good,” says the duck, “Do you have any duck food?"
very few of my jokes are 'nice' enough for this board
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A woman gets on a bus carrying a baby.
As she pays the fare, the bus driver says, "Lady, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen".
Very flustered she walks to the rear of the bus and finding an empty space next to a gentleman, she sits down. After a moment the man says to the woman, " is everything ok? You look like you are going to burst out crying". She turns to him and tells him that the driver had said something very rude to her and that she couldn't get it out of her mind, and that she was getting angrier by the minute. The man says to her," if he really upset you that much, you shouldn't hold it in, you should go up to the driver and demand an apology, and the sooner that you do it, the better you would feel". She asks him,"do you really think so"?
He says; " sure, go get it off of your mind, make sure that he understands how he upset you and that you wouldn't take it from him". She says ok, I will do it.
He says, "good, and to make it easier for you, let me hold your monkey for you".
:lol
NwBie
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Want a joke?
My social life.
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Found over a public restroom urinal, "What are reading this for? The joke is in your hands."
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(https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/26232318/10245409_932314190131368_2379260700547189742_n.jpg)
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What's the difference between a pony driver and a refrigerator?
I guess that depends on how much of a mess you make when you pull any sort of steaks, chops, or burgers out of the fridge...
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Why don't Jug drivers like Apple founder Steve Jobs?
Jug drivers don't like any kind of jobs -and typically shop at the mall where Luftwaffe pilots used to shop.
What? I'm keeping it clean here.
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A blonde police officer stops a blonde driver for speeding.
Officer: License and registration please
Driver: I can't find my licence, what does it look like?
Officer: It's a square plastic thing with your picture on it.
Blonde looks around in her purse and finally finds her makeup set with a mirror on it: Oh! Here it is. She hands it over to the officer.
The officer looks at the set carefully and then shouts out completely surprised: Why didn't you tell me you were also a police officer? :rolleyes:
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What did Frenchy say to Nomde while diving past him to the deck? Check 6, btw… thanks for clearing mine. :huh
You don't have to run faster than the bear, just faster than your wingman :airplane:
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A blonde police officer stops a blonde driver for speeding.
Officer: License and registration please
Driver: I can't find my licence, what does it look like?
Officer: It's a square plastic thing with your picture on it.
Blonde looks around in her purse and finally finds her makeup set with a mirror on it: Oh! Here it is. She hands it over to the officer.
The officer looks at the set carefully and then shouts out completely surprised: Why didn't you tell me you were also a police officer? :rolleyes:
thats so old...last time I heard that I fell of my dinosaur and broke my newspaper......
funny as hell non the less. :aok
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what do you call a bear with no ear? a "B"
what is brown and sticky? a stick
what is brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre
what is red and smells like blue paint? red paint
:D the lame ones are the best :D
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thats so old...last time I heard that I fell of my dinosaur and broke my newspaper......
funny as hell non the less. :aok
ahh the good ol days when you could ride your dinosaur around ripped as fuq and nobody gave a dam.
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Chuck Norris once uppercutted a horse. We know this as the day the giraffe was made.
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Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.
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What's black and brown and looks good on my ex wife?
A Rottweiler
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what is the difference between a ho and a beotch. a ho will sleep with you and all of your friends, a beotch will only sleep with your friends.
semp
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:bhead
One time at band camp. . . .
I give you major props! That is a hilarious movie :rock :devil
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OK, so this baby seal walked into a club...
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Oldie but goodie...
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom. "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.
More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens.
Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang!" shouts the recruit.
The German keeps coming.
"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!"
It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground and says... "Tankety Tank Tank."
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A truck driver drives along route 66 and sees two desperate hitchhikers standing in rain. He decides to let them in.
After climbing in it appears that his hitchhikers are actually a pair of flaming homosexuals. They drive along in silence.
To break the silence the other homosexual suggests to play a game for fun. The trucker agrees. They whisper in eachothers ears for a while and then ask the truck driver: Say, aren't truck drivers supposed to be able to make huge farts?
The truck driver chuckles - why yeah, I've let a few bad ones rip in this cabin.
The homos: Oh great, so let's play a farting game. Let's see who can fart the worst!
The truck driver was up for the challenge. So the game begins. The first homo squeezes out a huge blast and the trucker has to open the window momentarily to ventilate.
- Pretty good one!
The second homo rips out his one. This time the windows fog up and the occupants almost die in the cabin. Again time to open the windows.
Then it comes the turn of the truck driver. He smiles and begins to push... He turns red faced and squeezes out a tiny snarl.
The two homosexuals giggle and look at each others: We can see who is the virgin in this cabin :devil
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A truck driver drives along route 66 and sees two desperate hitchhikers standing in rain. He decides to let them in.
After climbing in it appears that his hitchhikers are actually a pair of flaming homosexuals. They drive along in silence.
To break the silence the other homosexual suggests to play a game for fun. The trucker agrees. They whisper in eachothers ears for a while and then ask the truck driver: Say, aren't truck drivers supposed to be able to make huge farts?
The truck driver chuckles - why yeah, I've let a few bad ones rip in this cabin.
The homos: Oh great, so let's play a farting game. Let's see who can fart the worst!
The truck driver was up for the challenge. So the game begins. The first homo squeezes out a huge blast and the trucker has to open the window momentarily to ventilate.
- Pretty good one!
The second homo rips out his one. This time the windows fog up and the occupants almost die in the cabin. Again time to open the windows.
Then it comes the turn of the truck driver. He smiles and begins to push... He turns red faced and squeezes out a tiny snarl.
The two homosexuals giggle and look at each others: We can see who is the virgin in this cabin :devil
:rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl
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A woman was traveling on a four engine passenger jet from Houston to New York. About half way to the trip there was some noise and vibration that stoped abruptly.
The pilot announced: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. We're sorry to inform we had an engine failure and we had to shut down one of our four engines.
The woman called the flight attendant and asked her what does this mean. The flight attendant answers: This will not affect flight but we will be able to land approximately 45 minutes later than expected.
After she finishes her sentence the vibration and noise came back and stoped again abruptly. The pilot made a second announcement: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, it appears that we had to shut down also the other engine, there is no need to panic we still have two remaining engines.
The flight attendant was calming down the woman: Don't worry, this just means we'll land a little over an hour late to our destination.
The woman snapped back at her angrily: I'll say, if this keeps on going, we're going to be stuck up here forever!
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A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
She paid it and left without saying a word.
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A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
She paid it and left without saying a word.
Heh this was a good one, I actually read it a few weeks ago myself the first time :D
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Last night I dreamt of tailpipes and mufflers.
I woke up exhausted :bolt:
Night before last I dreamt about wheels and rims.
I woke up tired :bolt:
:cheers: Oz
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Dolby , Huskie and Krieg are sitting in a car.... Who is driving?
:rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl
The cops!
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Girl, were you dropped by a B17 cause you're the bomb...
:old:
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So....as memorial day approaches, a veteran of the air war is talking to the class.
"we were over Frankfurt when we were jumped by a squadron of German Fokkers"
The children all start to giggle......he swore!
The teacher says, " now children....Fokker is a make of german airplane, it's not a bad word"
The vet looks at the teacher and says, " Well, yeah.....but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts"
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So....as memorial day approaches, a veteran of the air war is talking to the class.
"we were over Frankfurt when we were jumped by a squadron of German Fokkers"
The children all start to giggle......he swore!
The teacher says, " now children....Fokker is a make of german airplane, it's not a bad word"
The vet looks at the teacher and says, " Well, yeah.....but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts"
:lol
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jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
I know a guy addicted to brake fluid,
he says he can stop anytime.
I did a theatrical performance about puns,
it was a play on words.
boom boom tsh
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Finnish, swedish and norwegian generals have a night out drinking. As night progresses they start to argue whose soldiers are the bravest.
The norwegian general says his men are so brave that they'll jump off a building if he tells them to. Naturally others demanded proof so they called up a private and climbed to the 4th floor.
The general gave the order and without hesitation the private jumped and splashed to the ground with a broken leg. The general turned around seemingly pleased.
The swede didn't want to be out done by this so he called his own private to the rooftop and commanded him to jump down. Without hesitation the private jumped down and broke multiple bones. The general saluted and turned around to the others - see, MY men are the bravest of all.
The finnish general called up his private and told him to repeat what the swede just did. The private looked at the general and said with his dialect:
Listen now mister. You can jump down there yourself if you want. I ain't crazy.
The general grinned and turned to the other generals: Now THIS is true courage, my friends.
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How do you know which shampoo JFK jr. used.. head and shoulders washed up on the beach..