Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: craz07 on June 06, 2014, 08:50:40 PM
-
An Englishman, an Italian, and a Potuguese guy are sent out to the barren desert and are told they can only take one thing along with them.. The Italian guy asks the Englishman.. so what did you bring.. English guy says.. a bottle of water.. when I get thirsty I'm going to drink it.. English guy then asks the the Italian guy... what did you bring.. the Italian guy tells him.. hey i brought a sandwich man.. when I'm hungry i'm going to eat it.. So both of them turn around now and look at the Portuguese guy.. well? Portuguese guy tells them .. eppah I brought this car door.. so when it gets really hot, I can roll down the window..
-
why did the chicken crossed the road?
the colonel was chasing it.
semp
-
this is the one that keys up the thread.. :D
-
Do you know why a formation of ducks flying in a V looks longer on one side? More ducks!
-
Do you know why a formation of ducks flying in a V looks longer on one side? More ducks!
Have we hunted together? Thats my joke...
-
why did the chicken crossed the road?
I thought the chicken did it to prove to the opossum it could actually be done? :headscratch:
the colonel was chasing it.
semp
-
Two tomatoes were crossing the road. The other got past the road but the other got hit by a car.
What did the other tomato say? Come on, ketchup!
-
http://bbs.hitechcreations.com/smf/index.php/topic,363217.0.html
:D
-
Three men were waiting at the gates of heaven for their turn to enter.
The St.Peter appears and tells the men to confess their sins or be condemned to hell forever. The men look scared so Peter adds: after confessing, all you need to do is cleanse your sinning bodypart in this cup of holy water.
The first man goes to the cup and confesses: St. Peter, I have committed sin with my hands. St. Peter points towards the cup, the man washes his hands in it and is immediately allowed to heaven.
The second man starts to move towards to the cup relieved but gets abruptly blocked by the third man. St. Peter asks the man: Why won't you wait for your turn?
The man replies: If I'll have to wash my mouth in that cup, I ain't going to wait for this fokker to dip his arse in it!
-
What did the Blondes right leg say to the left leg?
....nothing they have never met. :bolt:
-
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you"?
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night, it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, the same thing happened. His hair was all standing up and his eyes were all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player. A man's man. The next morning, he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened"?
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him goodnight. He sat up and watched me all night long."
.....
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona ,and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that Are you crazy? She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."
-
http://bbs.hitechcreations.com/smf/index.php/topic,363217.0.html
:D
Best joke of em all :rofl :aok
-
Timmy a young youth walks into a brothel and walks up to the manager a woman in her middle years dragging a dead toad on a leash and says I need one of your girls that has the worst transmitted disease. Not to say no to money asked why? The kid replied " I will leave here and go home where my babysitter will in turn take advantage of me, she will then get a ride home with my dad where she will receive lots of money sleeping with my day, who will come home and spend time with my mom, tomorrow after dad leaves the mail man will drop by and spend time with my mom and that mean man killed my frog and deserves to get what's coming to him.
-
Timmy a young youth walks into a brothel and walks up to the manager a woman in her middle years dragging a dead toad on a leash and says I need one of your girls that has the worst transmitted disease. Not to say no to money asked why? The kid replied " I will leave here and go home where my babysitter will in turn take advantage of me, she will then get a ride home with my dad where she will receive lots of money sleeping with my day, who will come home and spend time with my mom, tomorrow after dad leaves the mail man will drop by and spend time with my mom and that mean man killed my frog and deserves to get what's coming to him.
lol.. very cute schen
-
It's one of those, "what's the difference between..." jokes, but I feel I need to leave a little something to the imagination.
THe punchline: the mosquito will stop sucking when you slap it.
-
It's one of those, "what's the difference between..." jokes, but I feel I need to leave a little something to the imagination.
THe punchline: the mosquito will stop sucking when you slap it.
:lol That's a good one, I can remember it! Oh, but that reminds me of the following story:
A new guy had been taken to a concentration camp. The men warmly welcomed him to share both their sorrows and joys. Quite soon the newcomer noticed that every now and then someone shouted a number, causing more or less laughter among the other guys. After some time he encouraged to try it by himself. "Eleven!" he yelled. No laughs, none at all. Not even a scupcake or a smile.
"Please, tell me what I did wrong?", he asked, "I did just as all of you do, shouted a number, didn't I?"
"See, we've been here isolated for so long that even the jokes we know have been told a million times. So we've given each one a number to avoid telling them over and over."
"So what was wrong with mine?"
"Oh, come on! That joke is so worn out everyone's fed up to the teeth with it..."
-
:lol That's a good one, I can remember it! Oh, but that reminds me of the following story:
"Oh, come on! That joke is so worn out everyone's fed up to the teeth with it..."
I've heard it, only with an alternate punchline:
"It's not the joke, it's how you told it."
-
lol.. very cute schen
The joke is usually a little more vulgur but I didn't feel the need to get banned lol hope u like it anyways
-
lmao..
-
Raul Castro is talking to Fidel as Fidel is in bed barely able to move in his old age. He says "you now Fidel, I think as a gesture of good will we should open the Mariel Port again".
Fidel barely able to look up speaks in a soft voice, "if you did that , you and me would be the only ones left".
Raul looks at him and replies "speak for yourself".
_____________________________ _____________________________ _____________________________ ____________________
back in the old days during the revolutionary war. lots of local militia would basically guard their own block as they didnt know when the British would attack.
a very young militia man was on guard during a really dark night. he was thirsty, hungry and cold but didnt dare leave his post. around midnight he barely notices a figure walking really slowly towards him. he challenges the figure "who goes there", a voice reply "your mother", he quickly yells "FU and fires a round hitting the figure. he walks towards the figure now laying on the street. he lights a match to see the figure...........
and starts crying, "ma, ma, so sorry..............."
semp
-
Lol legit insane..
-
A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated, Dr. Bumbutu in Africa, could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So, she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.
Dr. Bumbutu advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!"
She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, "Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?"
Yes I am. How did you know?
He winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock . . ."
-
A man went to a vacation in Africa and ventured into the jungle. He got lost in the forest and found his way to a clearing where there were native women working, naked.
He got excited and to his amazement one of the village girls offered him some carnal pleasure. He left satisfied and finally got back to civilization. After returning back to his home he started to have serious symptoms to his weener. He ordered a time to a urologist but the doctor immediately said he'd never seen anything like this. The doctor took laboratory tests and told the man he's going to call him the results a few days later.
The day and the phone call came, negative. Nothing they knew had a cure. The doctor reinspected the weener which by now had become blueish-black and stinky. He assesset that an amputation would be required to treat the condition.
The man freaked and asked for a second opinion. Two doctors later it was obvious that western medicine couldn't find a cure for him. In desperation he traveled back to the same jungle he contracted the disease from. He wandered back to the same native village and asked for help. The villagers seemed familiar with the condition and asked the village witch-doctor to see the man.
The doctor took a look at the man and nodded. The man asked: Please tell me you can treat it? Witch doctor nodded. The man had a huge relief. - So you mean it's not necessary to cut it off?
Not necessary, the witch doctor said. - Will fall off on it's own in two weeks. :ahand
-
A few single lines, just to keep it clean and to leave something to the imagination:
... Is like a doorknob. Everybody gets a turn.
... Is like peanut butter because they both spread for bread.
And, this punch line:
... The refrigerator doesn't expel anything when you , uh, remove or pull out, for example, chops, steaks, and burgers.
-
20 years ago when super Nintendo was the in thing, I was telling my kids that when I was a little boy I lived in a house that had no electricity. my daughter 5 at the time looked at me and said "dad, stop lying, how did you play nintendo then?"
another was when my youngest one came back from pre-school really excited that he knew our house phone number. I told him I was so proud of him and asked him the number. he replied "1-800-collect".
oh man I do miss my kids being young :).
semp
-
20 years ago when super Nintendo was the in thing, I was telling my kids that when I was a little boy I lived in a house that had no electricity. my daughter 5 at the time looked at me and said "dad, stop lying, how did you play nintendo then?"
another was when my youngest one came back from pre-school really excited that he knew our house phone number. I told him I was so proud of him and asked him the number. he replied "1-800-collect".
oh man I do miss my kids being young :).
semp
I reckon the 1-800-collect was some service number 'letter coded' for easy remembering but was the service something embarrassing like load collection or something?
-
I reckon the 1-800-collect was some service number 'letter coded' for easy remembering but was the service something embarrassing like load collection or something?
it was a famous commercial back in the early 90's that would save money over dialing an operator and asking to connect. if you didnt have the change to make the call on a payphone.
I basically went along the lines of "use 1800-collect to save money when calling home".
here's a couple of them to give you an idea.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Nz5lDJcjRE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrcaTt-a9_E
semp
-
it was a famous commercial back in the early 90's that would save money over dialing an operator and asking to connect. if you didnt have the change to make the call on a payphone.
I basically went along the lines of "use 1800-collect to save money when calling home".
here's a couple of them to give you an idea.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Nz5lDJcjRE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrcaTt-a9_E
semp
Don't blame your kids, I get that all the time even from grown ups. You see, each time I go out and ask a young girl for her phone number, usually it says '1-800-eat-sh..' so even grown ups can make that mistake! :noid
-
24 hour banking? I dont have time for that.
-
What's yellow and can't swim?
A bulldozer.
Oh, anti-jokes....