Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Busher on October 18, 2015, 11:03:16 AM
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How do court stenographers keep a straight face?
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people
actually said in Court, word for word, taken down and published by Court
reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were
taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_____________________________ __
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________ ____
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________ _________
ATTORNEY: Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_____________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
_____________________________ ____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you toejamting me?
_____________________________ ____________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_____________________________ ____________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new Attorney?
_____________________________ ____________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_____________________________ ____________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________ _________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_____________________________ ____________
ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________________ ____________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_____________________________ ____________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________________________ _________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.
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:rofl
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:D
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Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
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:rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl
Fantastic!
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Bestest joke post this year, and no doubt based on reality.
Oral. LOL!
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I printed this out and shared it with coworkers. Cracked everyone up. We've been randomly quoting it all day. The girl that does the books did ask "What does "toejamming" mean ?".
hehehe
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If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
semp
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A true story that happened while I was police chief of Jefferson, Texas. The witness was on the stand testifying about a stabbing that occurred on her front porch.
DA: miss can you tell me what happened on this date
witness: yes I was on the front porch and willie was on the porch and we was drinking wine, and here comes ralph.
DA: how much did you drink that day I mean was the bottle empty
witness: no sir it certainly was not sir
Da: so the bottle was the bottle was partially empty
witness No sir it certainly was not sir
DA: WAS THE BOTTLE FULL
witness: No sir it certainly was not full sir
by this time the District Attorney is red faced the vein in his neck is sticking out and has his clipboard gripped so hard I could see the tendons sticking out and I was in the witness waiting room a good 50 feet away, and when you looked at the gallery they was all about to fall in the floor laughing.
DA: OK WHAT HAPPENED TO WILLIE WHILE YOU WAS DRINKING THE WINE
witness: well Ralph stepped up on the porch and told Willie I was his and not to be commin round bout here anymore. then RALPH STABBED WILLIE,
DA: WAIT !! How did you know Willie was stabbed did you see the blood
witness: No I certainly did not sir
DA? You knew he was stabbed but you didn't see the blood, did you see the knife
witness: No sir I certainly did not sir
DA? IF YOU DIDN'T SEE THE BLOOD AND YOU DIDN'T SEE THE KNIFE THEN HOW DID YOU KNOW HE WAS STABBED? (The DA's voice is high pitched and we could hear him down on the smoking landing where I was at the time)
witness: BECAUSE HIS MEAT CRIED
DA? HIS MEAT CRIED
witness: Yes sir it certainly was sir
A long pause then
DA: Ok what happened when his meat cried?
witness: then he got down on the ground
DA: OH so after Willie is stabbed he fell to the ground, was there blood on the ground where he fell
witness: No sir he certainly didn't fall to the ground and there wasn't any blood then that came later.
DA: now WAIT A MIN. YOU JUST SAID HE FELL TO THE GROUND
witness: No sir he certainly did not sir
DA? (HAS THE COURT CLERK READ BACK HER STATEMENT) he got down on the ground
that is exactly what you just said
witness: Yes sir he certainly did.
DA?? He GOT DOWN ON THE GROUND BUT HE DIDN'T FALL TO THE GROUND
witness: Yes sir he certainly did
DA?? SO WAS HE KNEELING ON THE GROUND
witness: No sir her certainly was not sir
AT THIS POINT THE JUDGE CALLED A RECESS UNTIL THE FOLLOWING MORNING AND I GOT THE DA TO TELL ME WHAT WAS SO FUNNY THAT THE GALLERY WAS ABOUT TO BUST OUT LOUD LAUGHING.
When he told me this I translated for him
The bottle of wine had enough for each of them to get a drink out of so in Jefferson black lingo it wasn't full but it wasn't empty either
His meat cried= he had a sucking chest wound as the butcher knife he was stabbed with went into the left upper lobe of the lung and every time he took a breath he whistled until I got there and applied a first aid dressing awaiting transport to the hospital
He got down on the ground because he stepped off the porch and was standing on the ground telling RALPH to come down there and he would hit him in the head with the wine bottle. He did lay down on the ground until I told him to after I arrived
ALL OF THIS WAS REPEATED BY THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY THE NEXT DAY, AND THE DA DID NOT TELL HIM WHAT SHE MEANT BY IT, AND THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY USED 3 HOURS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HECK SHE WAS SAYING. NEEDLESS TO SAY I WAS ROTFLMAO :police: :police: :police:
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:rofl
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OH BY THE WAY, there have been numerous copies of the transcript of this trial bought up by lawyers in east Texas to learn what they call, east Texas black speak If you don't live around the black folks in east Texas for some time you won't know what they are talking about.
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If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
semp
No, I couldn't live with myself if I just did nothing. I would immediately inform police, coast guard, fire department for both of them.....so let's see....what's the postage on 6 letters?