Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Cherlie on January 15, 2003, 05:27:16 PM
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This maybe long and from the heart but I need some advice.
My marriage is in the toejams big time and I only been married 3 months.
My wife is only 18 and since I arrived in the U.S it has been nothing but hassels ever since.
Everyday including today she has accused me of cheating on her or looking at porn. She twiists people words around and she has a huge VICTIM mentality.
I can't cheat on her even if I wanted too because I have no car, because right now I can't afford the car insurance, I have 2 jobs and work 60 hours a week. If I am not at work, I am at home so I don't know how she thinks I am cheating on her. She ven comes to work to check up on me.
She is psychically abusive towards me even so I had to call the police.
If I am on the computer she accuses me of rahter spending mroe time on here than with her and that msut mean that I ahte her. I can spend 3 hours cuddling with her then go on the computer to check my email and she will accuse me of being on the computer all day and that I ahven't spent anytime with her.
she is also lousy in the bedroom, jsut a starfish and won't do anything else to romance the bedroom. she gets pissed off when I am too tired but expects me to read her mind when she is feeling a little frisky.
She is always sick and very lazy, our bedroom looks like some of the computer rooms I have seen in here. After I get home from a 12 hour shift, I ahve to cook dinner ebcause she has bene watching T.V (she was meant to be a work, but called in ebcause of a "headache")
I do all the laundry, why, because she is too sick to get up, but she can watch T.V all day.
Her responsorbility is as much as an ants piss.
My mum says , ditch the squeak. do I stay or is there no hope, this is who she really is?
I do not want to be married to this person for the next 50 years or so,
:confused: CB
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So, why did you marry her?
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She needs to get out to work man. Get her OUT of that house if you want the marriage to last. This may fix many of the problems. She needs a life and some friends of her own.
If you do want to stay with her you better fix the bedroom situation too. It will probably take some time and effort but you gotta sort this out. If not you WILL be cheating on her soon...if that happens the relationship is doomed.
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she wasn't like thsi when I married her. Before I amrried her she was fine and dandy, as soon as I said I DO it was like BOOM the insecuries started happening.
the bedroom is expected, she was a virgin before we got married.
If I were to cheat on her it is because she constantly accuses me of it not because she is bad at it.
CB
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Originally posted by Cherlie
...I do not want to be married to this person for the next 50 years or so,...
So, don't be married anymore.
Why waste another frikken day?
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What said.
bail.
Originally posted by Furious
So, don't be married anymore.
Why waste another frikken day?
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My guess would be that:
1. She was more "like this" before the wedding than you were willing to admit, or possibly realized.
2. She is immature, which is to be expected of most 18 year olds. Especially regarding lifetime commitments and relationships.
3. Maybe 50% of the problems are with that guy looking at you in the mirror while you shave.
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Originally posted by Cherlie
she wasn't like thsi when I married her. Before I amrried her she was fine and dandy, as soon as I said I DO it was like BOOM the insecuries started happening.
the bedroom is expected, she was a virgin before we got married.
If I were to cheat on her it is because she constantly accuses me of it not because she is bad at it.
CB
Cherlie...she needs to get out and about. From what you have written she is sitting around doing nothing...not even housework. It is a self perpetuating situation. You are having a life...she doesn't appreciate that you are WORKING while having that life..........and she is not part of it. There is nothing you can do to fix this..except for her to get a life too. When you simply sit around and do nothing all day the slightest thing becomes an "effort". You have got to break her out of it...essentially she is in a depression.
A job will fix it. Can she work legally in the US?
As far as the bedroom stuff goes...fine, that will resolve itself over time, but ONLY if you fix her current situation.
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MT, I have never laid a hand of my wife and I never will. My wife has hit me, even thrown a phone at me.
I have never or will cheat on anyone I have dated or am married too presently, she on the otehrhand has cheated on me.
Yes I feel I made a mistake and what I am experiencing is something I KNOW I will learn not to do in the future.
My wife does have good qualities but I guess I didn't know her well enough, maybe wait 3 years to marry isntead of 1 and a half right?
CB
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She needs to see a psychiatrist.
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this goes against my usual advice (which is to work it out). but if you have no kids yet, run like hell before she gets pregnant. any one of those things could be worked out, but from your story I don't see any part of it worth fighting for.
and if she is hitting you odds are YOU are going to end up in jail before it's over. either one day you get fed up and hit back, then off to jail.
or it could happen for you like a guy I knew a few years back. they had this law (alot of citys have this now) that says in a domestic violence call the cops have to take someone to jail. his wife (9 months pregnant at the time) started beating on him. he just stood there and tried to block. she busted his eye open with a bottle, chipped a tooth, not to mention lots of little cuts and bruises. so the neibors call the cops from all her screaming at him while hitting him. the cops show up and don't really feel to cool about taking a hysterical woman who is that pregnant to jail. so while they are discusing it she rolls up her sleave and shows them a small 'bruise' (little more than a red blotch really) on her fore-arm where he blocked her swing with the bottle.
so off he goes to jail for the night. booked in as a wife beater. the cops apologised all the way to the jail but didn't really have the guts to haul in the right person.
the longer you put up with this toejam the more she will get people believing it. and you will be the bad guy.
it's been my experience that women are responcable for at least half of the violence (either provoking or completely carying out the whole thing) in familys today(including hitting kids), but it's almost always the man who gets blamed.
guys who will get off their bellybutton and work 2 job, 60 hours a week, 12 hour days, are in demand. dump the squeak and upgrade before you get stuck with her.
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she can't keep a job, she gets these "headaches" and calls in form work all the time and hence gets fired, or she goes to work and become sick and has to leave. the people at work don't like her because they feel she is lazy.
I haven't told her she is lazy and I try to encourage her to help clean up with me but she won't, always has a headache.
Her aprents never disciplmed her and the reason she hits me is because I don't give into her tranptrums, so she gets madder and madder and madder. Her aprents on the otherhand have taught their kids to reward their children when they have a tantrump. E.G my wife wanted a pair of shoes we couldn't afford, she has a spazz, I didn't give in, her mum took ehr out (without asking me) and bought her not only 1 pair but 5 pairs of shoes.
CB
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capt. apathy
that is what my mum says will happen.
I am also looking at this from my kids (when I have them).
surely I have a responserbility as a father not have have kids with this woman because of the way she is?
CB
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one thing is universal..mum knows best. Listen to her.
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Yikes!
Run away!
For heavens sake don't let her get pregnant...apathy is right on that score.
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Maybe wait till your partner is around 30 years old
before marrying.
By then there aren't as many surprises.
Originally posted by Cherlie
MT, I have never laid a hand of my wife and I never will. My wife has hit me, even thrown a phone at me.
I have never or will cheat on anyone I have dated or am married too presently, she on the otehrhand has cheated on me.
Yes I feel I made a mistake and what I am experiencing is something I KNOW I will learn not to do in the future.
My wife does have good qualities but I guess I didn't know her well enough, maybe wait 3 years to marry isntead of 1 and a half right?
CB
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Not a certified psychology type, or a counselor, or anything like that.
But having seen maybe 2 of 200 (not a joke on the #s there) Marriages go right when people were Married at a young age (I'd say under 27 or so) - get out and get it annuled BEFORE YOU HAVE KIDS.
And I've seen this happen too - do not sleep with her again. If she gets clued in that you are going to end it...I've seen women intentionally get pregnant (i.e. lie about birth control) in order to 'trap' husband in Marriage, or to set husband up to pay child support (with 90% of $$$ never being used for Kids' benefit, etc.).
Based on her hitting you - go out tomorrow morning, with all your financial data (current balances for bank, credit cards, etc.), and go see a divorce lawyer. Then go check into a motel that you can pay for a month at a time. Have the lawyer serve her with divorce papers. Never, ever meet with her without someone else present again.
If you've only been Married 3 months, based on where you live you may be able to get it 'annuled' as opposed to actually having to go thru with a divorce.
Get out and get out fast without her having any warning whatsoever. Move to some place in Florida and get 2 jobs - 1 tending bar and the other working as a personal trainer. You'll forget you were ever Married in about 2 weeks.
Best of luck dude. I don't know you but I've seen too many good guys get screwed for life at a young age.
Mike/wulfie
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Cherlie - how old are you, and how did you meet your Wife, and how long have you and her lived in the U.S.? Where are both of you from?
All answers from you aside - still get the heck out dude. Run like the Death Star is lining up to shoot your Ford Pinto.
Mike/wulfie
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Wuflie,
I am a personal Trainer. You got Pyschic powers?
CB
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No, but you're already halfway there. Go to Florida and learn to make drinks. Hire some Russian organized crime boss on a contract to have you killed if you get Married before your 28th or your Wife's 25th (?) Birthday. That way you have a valid excuse to give to pushy women. :)
Get out yesterday dude.
Mike/wulfie
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"3. Maybe 50% of the problems are with that guy looking at you in the mirror while you shave."
I don't think so... I had a relationship with one of these. Doesn't start out that way... sort of creeps up... Next thing ya know yer involved with Frankenstein. No known cure... extraction is difficult.
Cherlie - book it. It aint gonna change.
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Originally posted by Nash
"3. Maybe 50% of the problems are with that guy looking at you in the mirror while you shave."
I don't think so... I had a relationship with one of these. Doesn't start out that way... sort of creeps up... Next thing ya know yer involved with Frankenstein. No known cure... extraction is difficult.
Cherlie - book it. It aint gonna change.
1st of all, when did I suggest you hit her?--- nevermind.
It may not change, but when I say 50% may be Cherlie, that doesn't necessarily mean that he is doing the same thing to her. Sometimes we think we are acting in someones best interest, when we are actually just enabling their behavior.
I'm one of those "marriage is for keeps" types, but I am also divorced once. I understand your predicament better than you think, and it may be best to get out. But it also may be worth the effort to work it out.
Ask yourself the hard questions.
Am I helping her to be insecure?
Do I let her withdraw into her self-loathing to provide myself with a break from the other issues?
Is there any substance abuse?
You know the questions better than I sir. Go to a counselor... now!
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Been there, done that. Go to the bank, withdrawl ALL of your money, and never go home. Divorce her, NOW. My ex left me a note one day, just up and left... and took all of my money.
I was raised that you treat all women with respect and marriage is for life blah blah blah.
I now treat women with respect *IF* they respect me (ignore them otherwise) and i will not get married again unless i have known the woman for at least 10 years.
If you tell her you are going to do this she will guilt you into staying and f* you over when she see's a way out.
Best of luck!
edit: and if all else fails, just start playing the "Tom Leykis Show (http://www.blowmeuptom.com/) " radio show. Mr. Leykis is a pig, but he has some very valid points on how to handle women.
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Originally posted by Cherlie
she wasn't like thsi when I married her. Before I amrried her she was fine and dandy, as soon as I said I DO it was like BOOM the insecuries started happening.
the bedroom is expected, she was a virgin before we got married.
If I were to cheat on her it is because she constantly accuses me of it not because she is bad at it.
CB
My first wife used to take me to dinner and the fair, let me drive her nice car around and treat me like a king.
2 weeks after we married she quit work and got fat and lazy.
Tell her like it is shape up or ship out :rolleyes:
Plenty of fish in the sea.
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Pull chocks and go. A three month marriage isn't important enough to fight for.
The longer you wait, the more it's going to cost you.
TIP #1: NEVER marry a virgin.
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Cherlie, I'd like to think I know you pretty well... as much as you want to hear encouraging advice from all of us, I cant give it to you.
There are numerous problems that I see (because Ive experienced them) that will NOT change.
1.) Insecurity. You mention that she was diddlying around on you at some point. Was this before you married her? During? In any event, she will do it again, sorry. In addition, the reason she is accusing you of screwing around behind her back is because either A.) She knows how easy it was to do when she did it, or B.) She knows how easy it IS to do when she IS doing it.
2.) Lazy/Insulting behavior - This CAN change. As far as Im concerned, the duties in a marraige (or any serious relationship) should be split 50/50. It seems like this one is about 100/0. She needs to get a job, cook dinner instead of watching TV, and clean the fluff'n house up. This is not a sexist statement, if she was working two jobs, I would expect you to clean the fluff'n house and cook dinner.
3.) Age - She is 18 years old. She thinks she knows what she wants. She doesnt. Use your imagination and figure out how she is going to test what she likes. Get rid of her before she does it.
4.) Sex - Sexual ability has alot to do with attitude - not experience. If a girl sucks in bed when shes 18, shes going to suck in bed when shes 40. Does she have any insecurities about her body? Something that wont allow her to loose her inibitions? I dated a girl like this once... it was fluff'n horrible. People underestimate how important sex is in a relationship. Anyone who tells you any different and tries to seperate the emotional from the physical has watched too many Dr. Phil episodes and has no idea what he's/she's talking about.
Overall, in a nutshell, it sounds to me like youve made up you mind to leave. Better to do it sooner than later. I say start packing your bags.
Catch me what Im online sometime - we'll shoot the toejam about this.
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Quit asking questions to people who don't own your life. You own your life. Be true to yourself, and answer the questions. Face to face, you and your shadow, you have the answers, and only you can answer. Be thankful you don't have any children at this time of your life...quit eating toejam. Life is short. Take control. Don't be anyone's fool. You might suprise yourself, life doesn't have to be miserable. Tell her your feelings, and what you expect from the relationship, and maybe she will tell you hers'.
Thorns
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Heyya mate,
reading here with my wife, and i think we've reached the same decision:
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE
It's early, only 3 months. Even if you "patch it up" it will always come back in one way or the other. ANd you will spend the rest of your life wondering what "could have been".
So be a man, listen to your mother :) and get out now, while its still early. And whatever you do, do not get her pregnant.
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Thanks guys for your advice.
I was at the same conclusion but I guess I needed some reassurance about it all.
What wopuld I do without the Aces high BB?
Where do I send the checks? :)
CB
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Also please don't go and annouce you are leaving to her if it is going to take some time to get out.
You may feel relieved but it'll just piss her off and give her time to get you.
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$350 an hour - I accept paypal. ;)
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if you live in an apartment have her go th her mothers and get the locks change it will cost you about 25 bucks to do it. and dont answer the door when she comes home. pack her bags and place them on the porch or by the door and tell her to get them before they go to the trash.
Do what they say dump her she wont change. She was raised lazy and will always be lazy. She also is thinking you are cheating on her because she is cheating on you. Yuo can also file charges on her and get a restyraining order to keep her away for your protection that is ( keep you out of jail).
Tommy (INDN) Toon
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The #1 thing to remember whenever you're planning to leave a woman is to make sure you grudge-f#@k her right before you tell her it's over.
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please ignore the last 2 posts-
1. (most important) DO NOT SLEEP WITH HER AGAIN. fate is cruel. it would be very ironic (therefore likely) for her to get pregnant on the last time. also if she suspects you are going she is likely to get pregnant on purpose (if she can't have you she might as well get your wallet) poking holes in rubbers is an old old trick.
2. unless you own your house it's not worth the hassle to try and keep. if you move her out she will come back, beat on the door cause you trouble, get the cops involved. much simpler to tell her she needs a break, give her some cash and send her shopping. meanwhile have everyone you know waiting around the corner to help you move out as fast as possable. shut off all utilitys in your name, notify the landlord, and don't look back. this way if she comes to hassle you she's the crazed stalker type, instead of you being the bad guy who kicked her out without warning.
edit- and if you have time call the landlord to come inspect the place before she gets back. that way she cant trash it in a temper tantrum and leave you liable.
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Theres an old saying "You can't change people". She is probably partially insane. Next time marry someone maybe a bit less attractive and a bit less insane.
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You better believe the NO SEX part.
Met this girl 3-4 years ago. Fell in love, everything was perfect. She needed a place to stay, so I let her move in with me. (I had known this girl 7-8 years before we got involved).
ANYWAY, relationship starts to crack after 4-5 months...you know how it can be.
Came home from work one night she was waiting by the kitchen table "honey, I'm pregnant"
alright...I mean, Im in a still good relationship, I have a decent job, I have a good place to live, I'm 26 years old, she is 26 years old, abortion is out of the question.
The next 9 monts are horrible, as the girlfriend slowly transforms into psycho-b*tch. I'm constantly thinking "got to make this one work, kid must have a family" so I stay. I mean...Im not the kind of guy who walks out on his pregnant girlfriend...right?
Elliot is born, and for the next 3 months everything is ok actually. Not because our situation improved or anything, but because I was kinda focused on the kid and on work.
3 months pass, psycho b*tch returns. She is all over me wondering if Im cheating, if I would want to cheat on her, if I think she is still attractive, why I dont do this or that anymore. She starts bossing me around, do the dishes, clean this, do that, stop playing on that stupid computer, do you really think you are a fighter pilot? You idiot. You want to get a beer with your buddies? Forget it, you are staying right here at home and clean something.
Meanwhile, Im spending 10-14 hours at work everyday busting my as* off trying to make the economy work, I come home around 7-8pm, just wanting to eat, play with son for a while, and then crash into bed before I have get up around 5am next morning. I'm like "how on earth would I find the time to cheat even if I wanted to". I cant go to a bar and get a beer with my buddies because everytime I do she either freaks out and starts screeming at me (who are you really going to see? What is her name?) OR I come home and find her crying in some corner of the appartment (nobody loves me, and you dont care about anything else but your drinking buddies).
Needless to say, I wanted out of the relationship...but still, it is not easy to leave when you have kids together.
So I figure, it could be worse. I mean, I have a good job, a wonderful kid, a good place to live, and sometimes (like once a month) the relationship is good.
So anyway, about a year ago, she is going out with some of her friends. I figure "great, now I can sit up all night and play aces high without having someone breathing down my neck all the time."
She comes home around 5 am, t o t a l l y drunk. I mean she is so drunk she is stumbling around in the appartment turning stuff over. She comes into the bedroom looking to score...Im like "no way...forget that." She starts taking about suicide. I'm like "uh...what?"
Thats when I decided to leave. I mean, clearly the relationship was *really* bad for both of us, I just never realized that it was that bad. So the next day I find another appartment, and a couple of weeks later I move out.
Three weeks later she tells me she is pregnant again...
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Originally posted by davidpt40
Theres an old saying "You can't change people".
Partly correct, personality is considered stable after reaching adulthood. However, most people can learn to dampen their more unattractive sides. Accusations of cheating and demands of reassurance on appearance etc. is usually a good indicator of low-self esteem. She is probably failing to cope with certain issues of her new situation. Getting married when your 18 takes away a lot of choices she might have later, or so it often seems... Does she have stable relationships (friends) with other people you know? She might benefit from getting a new job/starting an education. Most "lazy" people can really suffer from depression. Depression makes even simple tasks seem extremely difficult and tiring, and in some people lead to aggression (mostly men). Other signs of depression: Lack of interest in earlier hobbies etc. Reduced sosial network, lack of interest in others. Changes in appetite and sleep pattern (often early awakening). A "flat" mood - doesn't react to emotional material. Extreme tiredness/need for sleep. Self-indulgent, self occupied. Has she had mental illness before? Is there mental illness in her family? Did she change into this state, or has she always been like this?
Seek out a good counselor/therapist, preferably an institution that helps families. they can evaluate this better... A doctor might prescribe an anti-depressant to her.
(I'm in the profession ;), but pls don't consider this as professional advice. Good luck to you both...)
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I married an 18yo when I was 19. Stayed together for 8 years.
Had 2 kids who are now 18 and 14. Don't regret the kids but damn it was misery for the last 6 years of the marriage. My experience is that it is never 100% fault on 1 side, but if you know that the marriage IS going to fail, Don't prolong it.
Divorce is never easy on kids.
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it sounds like time to pack it in, and give her the boot!
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damn Hortmund, i'm really sorry to hear that man.
Now i'll have to give you far less toejam out of pity !!!
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Just one word:
[SIZE=25]RUN![/SIZE]
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Listen to Tom Lykus on the radio...he'll put everything in perspective for you. They key to saving yourself is to not have kids with her. When you do-your attached to her forever.............
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Cherlie,
For sure do not tell her your leaving. See the lawyer get all your paper work settled. Get her out of the house with her mom for a few hours.. get your belongings and never talk to her again.
Good luck!
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I Think capt. apathy has the best advice. Only thing I would add is dont get married again untill you both are at least 30
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1 more thing leave some of these (http://www.despair.com/bittersweets.html) behind when you leave
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KILL HER
...I mean, kiss her! yeah, that...