Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: funkedup on January 16, 2003, 06:59:02 PM
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Ralph Wiley ESPN
That thing, in the shroud, spiked shoulder pads and rubber skeleton mask -- at least, we think it's a mask -- clanging a cowbell, looking like Death warmed over? That's a true believer. That's a disciple of the Lord of the Bling-Blings, Emperor Al Davis. And this, pilgrims, is the Black Hole.
Technically, the Black Hole is what they call the southwest end zone, including the player runways, at the Network Asso-- ... what am I saying? I know better. I've been there. I just sent Dog out there. It's the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum. It's also known as the Black Hole.
The citizens of the Black Hole eat kittens for breakfast, batteries for lunch and Raider opponents for dinner.
If you think there's no there there, try wearing a New York Jets jersey and a fireman's hard hat into the Black Hole, or some Tennessee Titans' hook-up this Sunday.
You won't be wondering if there's a there there. But you will be wondering if there's a hospital there.
There isn't. Not on that side of town.
Getting there? A giddy maddening descent. The Black Hole is bracketed on one side by what was California Highway 17, also known as the Nimitz Freeway, or the Numnutz, to those of us who dared it in a compact or even a poorly built mid-size car, or sporty model. Twisted and mangled steel is often piled up on the sides of it, until the wreckers and the ambulances can get there. Tiny crosses dot its history. Now it is part Interstate 880, also known as the NorCal autobahn for 18-wheelers with drivers specializing in riding bumpers and crystal meth. Trucks carrying metal parts, live animals, California produce and contraband rumble up and down the road incessantly, along with cars, and vans, and SUVs, with loads of strange alien beings on Raider game days. During the Loma Prieta earthquake, part of it was the freeway that collapsed. Denizens of the Black Hole take the Hamburger Hill exit (Hegenberger Rd.) or the Coliseum and 666th (66th) exit, in search of fellow extra-terrestrials.
On either side of the freeway is just one big industrial park. The green residential part of Oakland is five miles due east, on either side of the rolling swales of Interstate 580, where trucks and illegal aliens are not allowed, and where Laker Brian Shaw can look down from his palatial hillside digs at the distant Mothership -- but we are not talking about that.
Don't wear any Titans garb into the Black Hole, or you'll get tattooed by the crazies.
On the other side of the saucer known as the Coliseum rises a concrete river called BART, or, Bay Area Rapid Transit. Many Black Holeians arrive at the game this way. I told Dog not to take the BART train to the game, although, being a New Yorker, he is comfortable on trains, accustomed to taking the 7 to Shea, or the 5 or 6 up toward Yankee Stadium. But BART, particularly in the East Bay on game day at the Coliseum stop, is reserved for One Nation. People walk across the concrete connector en masse, roiling, rolling, Hell's Angels singing their death songs, Deadheads playing their music, habitues of Raider haunts like Ricky's, in Hayward, utility workers of all hues, shades, suasions and continental origin and Bay Area counties; money managers and shot-out dot.comers from across the Bay, made up like they were of the Nation, and acting like they're in "Fight Club," trying to see what it is to live on the edge, even as a fake alien being. All of One Nation is not adverse to heckling -- if not outright punching -- recalcitrant strangers, promising death to all other invaders.
On the rare occasions when the Raiders lose at home, they all walk back across to the BART trains in both somber and occasionally dangerous moods, if any joy or hilarity about the occasion is sensed in an outlander. They be serious, bro.
Inside the Coliseum bowl -- more concrete. Every thing is hard around there. To bring in a pillow is to admit you have a candy ass, and makes you suspect, because all denizens of the Black Hole are hard-asses, even women -- a good thing, too, because the seats are hard; the denizens of the Black Hole rarely sit down in them. Luxury suites are for human beings, not the denizens of the Black Hole.
Once inside, you would think they'd be temporarily sated from their pregame "tailgating" -- grilling hunks of flesh, sliced off with serrated machetes extending from the wrists of Predator over there. Some extend dentures and denature corn on the cob inside 10 seconds, like Alien there. They are the wildest crowd you've ever seen, their individuality subsumed into One Nation. They are like the Borg, but they are not the Borg. They are better. Real. Scarier. Much. Blacks paint their faces white, whites paint their faces black, Asian men and Latina women combine to look like Gene Simmons of Kiss after a three-day bender. They are one contiguous mass and live to submerge themselves into One Nation like this. And truth be told, it makes us smile, too.
If we are smiling from afar, that is.
The Black Hole hates the enemy, but treats Jerry Rice with love and respect.
Some people say these cannot be humans at all, that the Oakland Alameda County Coliseum was built by alien beings from outer space, just like the Egyptian pyramids. I don't know about all that, but then again, there is Pharaoh, applying even more mascara, screaming something about the head of Eddie George being mounted on his staff. Hey, don't ask. Smoke ascends constantly. Something unholy is being barbequed. It's either "Escape from New York," or the cast of "Star Wars." Look, there's Chewbacca, painted silver and black! Chewy! Get off me! Who you got with you ... is that ... is that ... a man in there, or some Thing? My God ... it's, it's some new kind of life form. Sentient, organic life ... either some weird recombinant form of Jabba the Hutt, or ... no ... it can't be ... Jason Whitlock!
As I just told Dog, when you go to the Black Hole, not on the field with a mike covering your ass, but actually up in there, and you are asked if you are there with a team, then trust me: Say you are with the Oakland Raiders. I don't care if you're with the Red Cross, there to tender first aid to the busted-up guys in the Jets' jerseys lying in a pool of their own blood. Say you're with the Raiders anyway.
A somewhat cantilevered flying wedge -- true alien architecture -- was constructed over the original bowl. More seats, at the demand of the Emperor of California. Up there, that's the safest place. It's either that or down in the lower bowl, and the Black Hole, itself. You must wear the alien silver-and-black camouflage there. It can be mild, just some face paint or dark wraparound shades and a Raider cap and a black T will get you by, although you will draw looks.
On the mez level, the Emperor, Al Davis, and his trusty leftenant, Jim Otto, creaking when he walks on inhuman, alloyed hinges. Nothing has changed in this picture in 25 years. No one has moved. Or aged. Like the little girl in "A Beautiful Mind." Does them being there mean we're mad?
Not as mad as them, apparently.
There are other saucers spun off from the Mothership Coliseum in East Oakland (even as we speak, the extra-terrestrials of the Black Hole are slowly assembling, and are demanding to devour the entrails of Jeff Fisher, and sharing some kind of weird plant life with a Mr. Hunter S. Thompson, who appears to be right at home, and saying unkind things about what we presume would be Fisher's surviving widow). There is a Coliseum in a seedier part of Los Angeles that was appropriated by One Nation for its own nefarious purposes several years ago. And One Nation has even infested what was once called Jack Murphy Stadium in San Diego. Now it's called "Qualcomm," no doubt some bizarre alien word for "imminent invasion," or at least "eminent domain." And they do have strange tongues in the Black Hole. Listen to them flick and fork, lizard-like. Isn't that -- yes, it's Dusty Baker! Or a clone, made up in white greasepaint like he's in "Dead Presidents" or something.
Nothing escapes the Black Hole. Not heat. Not light. And certainly not the Tennessee Titans.
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Sorry, too many big words for this hillbilly.
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You have no idea how happy I was to see that this thread, with its title, was not started by SOB.
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spiked shoulder pads and rubber skeleton mask -- at least, we think it's a mask
at the start i thought this was about a new horror punk band for some reason hehehe
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WOO HOO!!! Go Raiders!! Right on Funked!!!
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Black Hole? You must be looking at SOB's photo collection again. At least he found someone with a common interest.
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the tiny Titans will eat your lunch
so who is going to win the SB - Bucs or Titans ??
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Originally posted by Eagler
so who is going to win the SB - Bucs or Titans ??
The Eagles. Duh.
-- Todd/Leviathn
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Originally posted by Eagler
the tiny Titans will eat your lunch
so who is going to win the SB - Bucs or Titans ??
Sapp is a non-factor, despite the pregame publicity. Hugh Douglas will have a field day on Brad Johnson. Tampa Bay only has 1 good linebacker, so McNabb will be able to run it at will.
But Tampa Bay has Chuckie.
I'd like to see a Raiders/Bucs Super Bowl.
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As Chuckie says:
"You just have to protect your Johnsons to score" :)
gofaster - you must be an import to fl ...
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Originally posted by Lance
You have no idea how happy I was to see that this thread, with its title, was not started by SOB.
Fatty started to explain this to me down in Texas... then he just shuddered and stopped.
Unfortunately, SOB did explain it to me.
And FunkedUp... I hate to tell you this... but my wife has started rooting for the Raiders. That, by default, means they are doomed.
AKDejaVu
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Originally posted by Eagler
the tiny Titans will eat your lunch
so who is going to win the SB - Bucs or Titans ??
You think the Buc's are gonna beat Philly? Youre out of your mind. :D
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Sounds like 700 section at the Vet Funked. Not to overlook the Bucs, but I look forward to see the Eagles and Raides duke it out in SD. The only way the Titans win is if the Raiders suffer a total melt down, which is unlikely to occur with the vets they have in a game of this much importance.
The Bucs D is good, and I doubt we will see Mcnabb running for big gains. They are fast. Brooks is not the only talented player on that D. Is Sapp over rated? yep. Welbourne handles him everytime they play. Simeon Rice is the one to watch out for. Fortunately the Eagles biggest and most talented O-lineman will be watching him. Tra Thomas got burnt once last game by Rice (Sack On Mcnabb with led to a fumble returned for TD) but handled him after that. Should be a good machup, Tra goes around 330lb.
The Bucs D will get their stops, and the Eagles special teams will get them the feild position. This game will come down to the Eagles D line vs the Bucs O line. With such a large, slow moving QB in B Johnson, the Eagles blitzers should have a field day, especially since the O line of the Bucs is not good at picking up the rush (watch the end of the first half vs. the 49ers). If they are unable to pick up on the Eagles confusing blitz schemes, this could be a long day for the Bucs. The recievers are not fast enough to create separation for big plays on the blitz and, oh yea, 3 of the Eagles secondary are in the pro bowl. If Mcnabb and his recievers do manage to get on track, its all over folks. Sorry for the hijack.
newguy
ASSASSINS
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Yep it's going to be Eagles Vs. Raiders I think. Not the Tampa Vs. Tennessee "Trailer Park Bowl".
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Originally posted by funkedup
Yep it's going to be Eagles Vs. Raiders I think. Not the Tampa Vs. Tennessee "Trailer Park Bowl".
sounds to me that the "Trailer Park Bowls" are this weekend in Philly and Oakland considering the mentality the fans seem to be proud of in those cities. "Duh, don't wear your jersey or we'll kick ur arse"
what is a seat at these places for the local yocals $20? $15 if you're toasted ...??
and newguy - stop confusing the issue with facts :)
(http://www.pogbird.com/anibucs.gif)
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what is a seat at these places for the local yocals $20? $15 if you're toasted ...??
Last I checked field level were going from $250 to $2000 and upper levels were going for $150 to $300.
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At one time Raider fans did look sorta menacing. But now it's getting out of hand and they are looking basically gay... like drama queens dressing up as pirates and monsters. It's football's version of those people who dress up for LOTR, Star Wars and Star Trek events.
But, I'm rooting for the black & silver. AFC West, always.
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heh, damn funny Puke.
And try this to tweak the fake spiked shoulder pads guys dressing up like it's Halloween with hoopty skeleton masks as if they are tough and "scarey", and aren't just a goofy bandwagon bunch of fat old men who can afford the tickets their "gang" members can't. They go into a into a frenzy.
Gayder Chat (http://www.raiders.com/)
Right hand page at the bottom. Click the "Chat" room.
1. Sign in as Cpt. Funky Pants
2. Cheer the Raiders. It will be lost in the "WE ARE THE BEST!" I know, just do it.
3. Make a hit on one of the 50 "Raiderettes" stupid hags that have callsigns like that there.
4. Then ask one "Who plays safety for the Raiders...?"
5. After the deafening silence, call her a fake fan
6. Add "I have a pirate costume on, I'm "SCAREY!!!" and Ill kick your ass!
7. Repeat.
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Not fair Creamo I threw my back out and laughing makes it hurt.
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They haven't been impressed either.
But look for "Captain Funky Pants" there all weekend.
I laughed so hard I nearly shat meself. It's great fun.
Best part was when they got so pissed and said "So who is YOUR team Funky pants?"
I said the Bengals, and did... in fact, shat meself.
:D
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But but... they're so MEAN! :(
(http://modena.intergate.ca/personal/cwharton/sbm/raiderchat.jpg)
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I have renewed faith in the AH bbs!
I know it doesn’t show your moniker there Nash, I wish it did, but that is... about… Outstanding.
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hehe
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lol, now dont get creative, weasel will have to search google for GWB and retake the bbs with cut and paste worth.
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Creamo, I'm there right now - as Airhead, of course. Think I'll torch a few butts:)
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Wow, you guys are cool. What's next, raiding AOL chatrooms? Be sure to bring us a full report!
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Erlkonig, will do cause I know you're on the edge of your seat.
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Originally posted by Saurdaukar
You think the Buc's are gonna beat Philly? Youre out of your mind. :D
some do call me crazy :)
(http://www.pogbird.com/anibucs.gif)
Go Bucs !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
& Go Titans !!!!!!!!!!!!
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Raiders are leading, 7-0
:D
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Originally posted by Saurdaukar
You think the Buc's are gonna beat Philly? Youre out of your mind. :D
tampa 27 ...that other team 10