Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Siaf__csf on March 30, 2003, 12:37:37 AM
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It's time to laugh a little instead of flaming on political discussions.
Post your joke here, here's mine:
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.
The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will." said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Nope." said the old timer, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun right up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
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Now draw your gun, you galooten varmint...................... .........
Saaaaaayyyy, that's a right smart picture there. Let me try that.:D
(Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam):)
Les
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Guy comes home from work, sits down in the easy chair in front of the TV, turns it on and says to his wife "Honey, would you bring me a beer before it starts?"
Wife says, "Sure" and brings him a beer.
About 10 minutes goes by and he asks his wife "Honey, would you bring me a beer before it starts?"
Wife looks at him, pauses looks at TV, says "Sure" and brings him a beer
About 10 minutes goes by and he asks his wife "Honey, would you bring me a beer before it starts?"
Wife looks at him quizzically, frowns and says "Sure" and brings him a beer.
About 10 minutes goes by and he asks his wife "Honey, would you bring me a beer before it starts?"
Wife looks at him angrily, says, "If you think you're going to sit in front of the TV all night long drinking beer, you've got another thought coming buddy!"
Guys says "It's started."
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Hmmmm......should I?
I'll risk it.
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the
passenger lounge in Dallas, Texas, awaiting their
flights.
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame
Deer. Another is a cowboy on his way to Houston,
Texas, for a stock show. The third passenger is a
fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Texas
University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.
Soon the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a
devout, radical Muslim. The conversation falls into an
uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair,
crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big
sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind
outside blows tumbleweeds, and the old windsock flaps,
but no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and
softly, he speaks: "Once, my people were many... now
we are few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and
leans forward, "Once my people were few", he sneers,
"and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?" The
Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his
mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says
in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and
Muslims yet".
Sorry, I know this thread was s'posed to get away from this stuff, but this just arrived in my inbox, and I reckon it's worth sharing with you guys.
Blue
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LOL Bluedog. That's an old one here. We used to use "******s" instead of Muslims.
It kinda takes the heat off Blacks, now that we have war with Arabs.:D
Les
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Negros that is sir. Negros I say.
Les
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."
"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."
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am i still the the president of the united states?
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Guy is out golfing with his wife.
He's doing pretty well when he arrives at the 5th tee. He addresses his drive and shanks the ball so badly that it comes to rest between a barn and the green.
The man takes a minute to survey his second shot when he hit upon an idea.
"Hey honey" he calls to his wife. "If you would just open the front and back door of that barn, and I use a 2 iron, I believe I can get this ball right through the barn and onto the green."
His wife dutifully obliged and stood off to the side of the barn as the man gave the ball a mighty wack.
It almost worked, but the ball hit a post in the barn, ricocheted around, came out the way it went in, and killed his wife......
6 months later the man is playing the same course with his friend, when his friend shanks his drive on the 5th hole behind the same barn, and comes up with the same plan to hit it through the barn.....
"No No!" the man yells to his friend. "The last time I tried that I double bogied this hole."
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With all the talk of a new cold war:
Cold War Dog Fight
At the height of the arms race, the Americans and Russians realized that if
they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole
world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with
one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the
world and which ever side's dog won would be ent*tled to dominate the world.
The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler in the world
and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only
the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and
gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years
came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage
needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange
animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the
Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly
last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the
Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian
dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the
American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's
neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one
bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We
don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people
working for five years with the meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the
world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons
working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
While the joke is available on the net form many places, I found it here (http://www.comedyemails.com/Display.asp?ID=381)
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If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Just do it.
Just did it.
Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
Never assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
The rich gets richer; the poor get babies.
This is just a hobby. Perfection is not required. Fun is.
Was today really Necessary?
Why are you looking down here? The joke is above!
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.
Sex is like a bridge game: If you don't have a good partner, you better
have a good hand.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!
God may have mad man first, but there is always a ruff draft before a final
copy.
A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished.
Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.
I'm so thirsty I'd lick the water out of Clinton's diarrhea... I'm sorry if
I grossed you out. I shouldn't have used Clinton...
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.
Due to the outbreak of aids, employees will no longer be permitted to kiss
the boss's ass.
Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing
section in a pool!
Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
God invented man because Eve's vibrator ran out of batteries.
God invented women because he wanted a good laugh.
My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.
Life in a vacuum sucks.
On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
Alone: In bad company.
Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Black holes really suck...
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Gravity doesn't exist. Earth sucks.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
If I save time, when do I get it back?
If at first you don't succeed, put it out for beta test.
If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
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I don't have an attitude problem You have a perception problem.
If it isn't broken, fix it till it is.
I don't get even, I get odder.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
I tease about drugs a lot, but in reality I take them seriously.
Me a skeptic? I hope you have proof.
I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
I'll listen to logic and reason when it comes out on CD.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
We've upped our standards, now up yours.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
If I wanted to listen to an ******* I would have farted.
I'm so far behind I think I'm first.
Friends -- the people who stab ya in the front.
How's your wife and my kids?
Accidents don't just happen; they must be carelessly planned.
Sin - I didn't invent it - I'm only trying to perfect it!
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in
terror like his passengers.
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in
trouble again.
Just because I don't care doesn't meant I don't understand.
An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience.
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
yesterday?
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings - including this one.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
People who think they know everything are the easiest to fool.
Celibacy is no hereditary.
If I knew what I was doing, it wouldn't be called "research".
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will see a man who
can't get his pants off!
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
Time is what keeps everything from happening to us all at once.
My heart is in the right place, I know, because I hid it there.
Tell me what you believe and I'll tell you where you're going wrong.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
Am I getting smart with you?...how would you know?
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
The truth is out there. So what are you doing here!
Clean, dependable, hard working...good god what kind of monster have I
become!?!
Things always look better when you can't see them.
"Push to test." "Release to detonate."