Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Toad on July 23, 2003, 10:41:05 AM
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Night on the town
Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they've finally got to head back to the convent.
To enter the convent's grounds they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies. As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says, "I feel like a marine."
The second replies, "Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?"
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My neighbor found that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found the problem was hair in its ears and, after he cleaned both ears, the dog could hear fine. The vet told her if she wanted to keep this problem from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
She went to the drug store and picked up some "Nair." At the register the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
My friend replied, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple days."
She responded, "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist told her to stay off her bicycle for a week.
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Life Reflections By George Carlin:
1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you,
but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles
a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I
lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they
tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses.Now I'll have to kill you too"
15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
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"The crows seemed to be calling his name... thought Caw."
- Jack Handley
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ROFL Toad!
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"He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
-Jack Handy
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A fit and trim woman of 45 leaves the house to run some errands on her birthday. Being quite stricken with how well she has aged she wanted to ask a few people if they could guess her age.
She stopped and got gas and asked the clerk, “Do you know how old I am”? “No” he replies, “40”? “Nope, 45, today is my birthday”
She stopped at McDonalds and asked the clerk, “Do you know how old I am”? “No” he replies, “35”? “Nope, 45, today is my birthday”
She goes golfing and heads to the clubhouse asks the clerk, “Do you know how old I am”? “Well I can but for me to do so, I need to feel your breasts to be completely accurate”. Intrigued she agreed and let the man feel around for a minute or two when he finally replies, “I bet your 45”!
“You’re right! How could you tell that from feeling my breasts”?
“I can’t, but I was standing in line behind you at McDonalds” :D
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"Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up."
- J.H.
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey...
He sits down and orders a drink. While he's drinking the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey picks up some olives off the bar and eats them. Then, he grabs some sliced limes and eats them too. As if that wasn't enough, he then jumps up onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole!
The bartender shouts at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - and swallowed it whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the man.
"He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything he eats, cue ball and all."
The patron finishes his drink, pays his tab and leaves.
Two weeks later, the same guy and his monkey are in the bar again. He orders a drink and, sure enough, the monkey starts running around the bar again.
The monkey happens upon a dish of maraschino cherries on the bar. So, he grabs a cherry, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
The completely disgusted bartender exclaims, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" responds the monkey's owner.
"Man, your monkey just stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy, "Ever since he ate that damned cue ball, he measures everything first."
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While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.
Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his
heart is still beating."
"Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock, "We've never had a liberal in the family before!"
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A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' dem rubbers gonna cost me?"
The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a' mighty, .....don't they stay on by themselves?"
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As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.
"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich." POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.
"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess." POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.
"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single, weak, hoarse "woof."
"Could you possibly turn my wonderful old dog into a handsome young prince?" POOF: There, in front of the old woman, who has now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.
As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
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Two guys meet regularly for lunch.
One is rich, the other is poor.
The rich guy says "Its my wife's birthday tomorrow. I bought her a diamond necklace and a brand new mercedes."
"Why the two gifts?" asks the poor guy.
"Well, if she doesn't like the necklace she can drive her new car to the store and exchange it.' the rich guy replies.
Two months later the same two men are eating lunch together.
"It's my wife's birthday tomorrow." the poor guy announces, "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo"
"Why those two gifts?" asks the rich guy.
The poor guy raises his head and with a smirk replies, "If she doesn't like the slippers she can go f**k herself".
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a blonde is on a date with a geography teacher.
"believe it or not, i actually know all the state capitals" she says proudly.
"oh yeah?" says the teacher "what's the capital of wisconsin?"
"thats easy" replies the blonde "it's a W"
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Two nude statues (one male and one female) had been standing in the middle of a beautiful park for 99 years...
On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to the statues.
He said to them, "God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you. So pleased in fact that he has decided to grant you a wish of becoming human for a short time."
The angel then went on to say that they would be human for fifteen minutes and will finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years.
The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes.
The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter. After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing.
The angel told the statues that they still had 5 more minutes. The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said, "Cool, this time you hold down the pigeon and I'll crap on its head."
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LOL at these jokes! :D (I admit I'm easily amused)
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We have been informed that the Arabs do not like to be called "towel heads".
The item they wear on their heads is actually a small sheet.
Effective immediately, please call them "little sheet heads."
Thank you for your cooperation.
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Preacher Playing Hooky
A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked outside and saw it was a beautiful day. He decided to skip church and go play golf. So he called the junior pastor at his church and told him he was sick and couldn't give the sermon. The junior pastor told him not to worry, he would deliver the sermon.
The pastor drove about 40 miles away from town to avoid being spotted. As he was setting up his first drive on the first hole, Jesus leaned over to God in heaven and asked him, "Are You going to let him get away with this?" God told Jesus not to worry, he would handle it. Right as God said that, the preacher hit the drive of his life. The ball traveled all 450 feet to the green, bounced once, and rolled in the hole. The preacher was ecstatic. Jesus asked God,"Why would you let him do that?"
God said, "Because, who is he gonna tell?"
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Baseball Heaven?
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
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Three Blondes died in an accident trying to jump the
Grand Canyon.
They are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter
tells them that they can enter the gates only if they
can answer one simple religious question.
The question posed by St. Peter is, "What is Easter"?
The first Blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy!
It's the holiday in November when we all get together,
eat turkey and are thankful."
"Wrong! You are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must
go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.
Then he turns to the second Blonde, and asks her the
same question, "What is Easter?"
The second Blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in
December when we put up a nice tree, exchange
presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second Blonde, bangs his head
on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's
wrong and will have to join her friend in the other
place; she is not welcome in Heaven.
He then peers over his glasses at the third Blonde and
asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is?"
The third Blonde smiles confidently and looks St.
Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with
the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his
disciples were eating at the last supper and
Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans
by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be
crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear
a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails
through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby
cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
Then the third Blonde continues, "Every year the
boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and,
if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.
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Two goldfish are sitting in a tank. One turns to the other and asks, 'so, do you know how to drive this thing?'.
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A one-armed guy walks into the second-hand store...
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A priest, a rabbi, a monkey, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead with a talking parrot followed by a man with a glass eye all walk into a bar and sit down on the stools.
The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"
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Little Johnny had to walk past a potato house on his way to school every morning. Every time, there was a lady on the porch who waved and said, "Hi little Johnny" while waving her pinky at little Johnny.
Johnny was curious about this and decided to find out about it, because the lady at the house greeted Johnny this way every time he walked past the house.
He said, "Hey lady, why do you say hi little Johnny to me every time I walk by your house, and then wave your pinky finger at me?"
The lady replies, "Because that's about how big I think your little weenie is...hahahahahaha."
Little Johnny is thinking. Golly-geemit, I'm gonna teach her, that fukin squeak.
Next time, Johnny is walking past the house, and the lady says, "Hi little Johnny" and wiggles her pinky finger at him.
Johnny pulls his mouth apart with his index fingers and opens his mouth wide in reply. "HEY LADY!!!!"
Les
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Horse walks into a bar, barman says 'why the long face?'
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two eagles on a perch, one turns to the other and says 'can you smell fish?'
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some funny stuff - thanks :)
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A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.
"That is a very smart dog," the man commented.
"He's not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
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A farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who insisted on a tour of the place when she arrived. When they were walking through the barn, for no apparent reason, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stationed himself at the casket and greeted friends and family as they walked by. The pastor noticed that, whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head, "Yes". Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No".
The pastor noticed this happened without fail, "Yes" to women, "No" to men. He asked the farmer after the service what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it is'. The men would ask, 'Want to sell that mule?', and I would shake my head and say, 'Not on your life'."
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Three good friends are playing golf together....just as one is about to hit his tee shot, a funeral procession drives by....the man drops his driver, turns and faces the passing funeral procession, removes his cap and places it over his heart.
One of his pals asked, "Well Bob, that's really respectful of you, but aren't ya takin this a bit too seriously?", to which Bob replied..."Hey guys...it's the least I could do....I was married to her for over 40 years."
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A man was in a terrible accident and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium", and $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before deciding. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" he asked.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen!"
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A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"
And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."
The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"
And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"
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A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the
condom aisle.
The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.
The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in
high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2
for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one
for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue
needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends,
Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl
said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The
mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The
mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the
body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The
mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The
mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two prettythangholes."
"What? He had two prettythangholes?!" said the mortician.
Yup, everyone knew he had two prettythangholes. Every time we went to town, folks
would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two prettythangholes."
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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
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this blond is sitting at the table wracking her brains out trying to figure out a jigsaw puzzle.
she's been going at it for hours and is starting to get really frustrated.
finally, out of complete frustration, she calls her boyfriend and explains to him that none of the peices seem to fit right, could you please come over and help me?
when he arrives he looks at the peices then the box, shakes his head in disgust and says. honey, put the cornflakes back in the box
:D
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Two cowboys are riding the ranch, fixing holes in the fence.
Near the end of the day, the cowboys come upon a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.
The first cowboy climbs off his horse,
drops his pants,
gets down on his knees, and
buggers the helpless sheep.
When he's done the first cowboy asks the second cowboy, "Y'all want a turn?"
The second cowboy says, "Heck yes, I want a turn!"
The second cowboy climbs off his horse,
drops his pants,
gets down on his knees, and
sticks his head in the fence.
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TWO ITALIANS
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two tulips come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time".
"You foul-mouthed swine" retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda
how to spella 'Mississippi'"
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These two FDBs walk past a bar....
Well it could happen!
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A man has a girlfriend that he really loves and finally decides he wants to marry her. But, when he proposes, she tells him she can't marry him unless he gets her father's permission. This is a problem because her father is a Polish imigrant and will only give permission for his daughter to marry a Polish man.
In desperation, the suiter goes to see a doctor. He asks the doctor if there's anything he can do to make him Polish. The doctor replies, "Why yes there is, we can remove half of your brain and that will make you Polish." The man decides he loves the girl enough to go through with the operation.
After the operation was complete, the man regained consciousness in the intensive recovery room. The doctor was there with him and imediately said "Thank God you're OK. There was a problem with the operation. Instead of removing half of your brain to make you Polish, we were forced to remove 3/4 of your brain."
The man replied, "Mama Mia!"
MiniD
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What has 72 teeth and eats weiners.
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.
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A fly.
HiTech
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Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle Dale holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
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A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the prettythang. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde.
She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the prettythang. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake
their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells,
"Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
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Originally posted by hitech
What has 72 teeth and eats weiners.
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A fly.
HiTech
I'm sorry... but
huh?
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Originally posted by hitech
What has 72 teeth and eats weiners.
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.
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A fly.
HiTech
I know you rule this place and we are supposed to laugh... but that stunk. BAD.
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Originally posted by midnight Target
I'm sorry... but
huh?
Think of the fly as a zipper on a man's pants
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BTW LOLOL! A lot of good jokes here! :)
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A dog walks into a bar, pulls out a stool, sits down at the bar, and dejectedly asks the bartender for a double whisky....
The bartender says, 'Hey look... a talking dog!'
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A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was
rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to
work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.
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ROFLMAO Saburo :D
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A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ"?
The man replied, "130". So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool".
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about the football, baseball and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool".
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "70".
The robot then said, "So, what's the Democratic Party up to these days?"
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Hey, that's a definition of IQ. Adapt, learn, work with what you have and try to use for your advantage.
It's not what you know, it's what you do with it.
You can can have a very low IQ and be be educated, and vice versa, very brilliant and ignorant. Those two traits are almost orthogonal. Not quite, because a smart guy will seek knowledge, but the dolt will be happy with what others feed him.
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Originally posted by mietla
Hey, that's a definition of IQ. Adapt, learn, work with what you have and try to use for your advantage.
It's not what you know, it's what you do with it.
You can can have a very low IQ and be be educated, and vice versa, very brilliant and ignorant. Those two traits are almost orthogonal. Not quite, because a smart guy will seek knowledge, but the dolt will be happy with what others feed him.
Hmmmm....I dont get it. Where is the punchline?
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A young teenage girl was about to finish her first year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat but her father was a rather staunch Republican. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to taxes and welfare programs. He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying. He asked, "How is your friend Mary." She replied that Mary was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied, but was very popular on campus, went to all the parties all the time. Why she often didn't show up for classes because she was hung over. Dad then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it to her friend who only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA. The daughter angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair, I worked really hard for mine and Mary has done nothing". The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party.
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i dont know how many times i have seen that one in print (readers digest) or have been told it Ripsnort....
but i love it every time :D
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An oldie, but goody.
Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from Boston:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:"
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE:
A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO:
Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK:
Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE:
Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK:
Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE:
Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO:
A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK:
Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE:
Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO:
Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK:
I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. squeak is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE:
Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO:
Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK:
My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE:
Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO:
The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK:
My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric inferno flames. I **** myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my bellybutton with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE:
A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO:
Ho Hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK:
You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful...
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What's the differance between a pygmy chess team and a Blonde track team?
One's a bunch of cunning runts.....
:D
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Sid and Al were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. "Sid," asked
Al, "are there any Jewish people in Mexico?" "I don't know," Sid
replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Sir are you Mexican?"
The waiter replied, "Yes sir I am."
Well do you know if there are there any Mexican Jews?" "I don't
know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the
kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No sir, No Mexican
Jews." Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to
the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are
no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican Jews." "Are
you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no
Mexican Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have
orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!
:D
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When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this ....
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested". Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!
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See how many of ya'll understand this one.
If you do, let me know what posts you were at. If you don't, disregard. Subject: SOP for Taking a Dump on Duty.
First Poster-
Wait until your bellybutton feels like it is going to explode out
through the back of your loose fitting blue trousers. Notify the
detachment Commander and politely request that you be relieved for a head
call. He will get there in about twenty minutes. Go into the head and
proceed to make sure that no one is currently in the head, if there is
someone currently in the head proceed to another head or wait until he is
finished for the cause of weapons retention and safety. Once in the stall
proceed to take off your cover, your black gear, your Velcro belt, and
your kaki web belt. In dropping trou ensure that your shirt-stays are
still good to go and out of the way of any ****. While taking the dump
make sure that you have buckled the black gear around your feet so that no
one can reach under the stall and take your weapon. Repeat the process in
reverse once done dumping. Proceed directly to post one.
Second poster-
Once you think that you might have to go to the head, call
up the detachment commander or one of the authorized persons to stand post
including the Ambassador. Tell them that your bellybutton is gong to blow if they
do not get to post in 15 seconds. Leave you cover on post take the long
way to the head making sure you pass by that "one" FSN with the nice ass.
FLIRT. Finally make your way to the head. Open up the stall, drop your
black gear where you think it won't get any crap on it. Drop trou and
proceed to dump not worrying about shirt stays because you don't have any
on. Repeat in reverse once your done and have had a nice little rest from
post one. Remembering to FLIRT with that FSN again.
Third poster-
Get that not so fresh feeling, put on your shoes, not
worried about the cover because you didn't have it on to begin with, and
your shirt-stays got "lost" in your TMO along with your wall locker
inspection uniforms, call up anyone and if they don't respond in 2 seconds
leave post, walk all over the place to get to the "good" head. proceed to
dump, read a book, and call that girl you plan on getting with that night
on your cell phone (keeping in mind that you left the radio on post) Once
done dumping your shift should be half way over and time for another dump.
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What's the difference between a studmuffingot and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator don't FART what you take The meat out.
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Originally posted by rc51
What's the difference between a studmuffingot and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator don't FART what you take The meat out.
Other than being gramatically horrid, its actually quite funny!
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Latest E-mailed joke from a buddy:
****
A very confident fighter pilot walks into a bar and
takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick
glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
"The, now intrigued, woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The Fighter Pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
"The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The Fighter Pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast.
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A vulture waddles up to the check-in counter at the airport.
The guy behind the counter says: "Good morning, do you have any bags to check?"
The vulture replies: "Nope, just carrion."
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A woman is driving down the road. A man passes the woman in the opposite direction and yells "COW!" at her.
She leans out of her window and yells "prettythanghole" after him.
She rounds the next corner only to be confronted by a huge cow in the middle of the road. She hits it and both are killed.
Moral of the story:
Women never listen.
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While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"
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A cowpoke in West Texas was herding longhorn cattle one day when he heard faint music coming from nearby. After hunting about for a time, he discovered the sound was loudest near one particular calf, and was even louder near the calf's tail. Putting his head close to the calf's hind end, he heard, "The eyes of Texas are upon you, all the live long day......."
Amazed, he tossed the longhorn calf over his horse's back, mounted and rode quickly to his line shack 10 miles away. There he put the calf into his truck and drove 74 miles to Ft. Stockton, where he took the animal to a vet.
When the vet asked him what was going on, the cowpoke told him, and the vet went around behind the calf and gave a listen.
He agreed while hearing: "The eyes of Texas are upon you, you cannot get away..." - but didn't seem particularly excited.
"Man, how can you stand there and not be amazed?" the cowpoke asked.
The vet, a third generation Okie, said, "Bud, I'm a Sooner, and I've
been listening to buttholes sing "The Eyes of Texas" all of my life."
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Eric has been in the internet and computer business for 25 years and finally sick of the stress. He sells his company and buys 50 acres of land as far from humanity as possible. Eric sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars... Your neighbor from four miles away...Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Eric, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Eric says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Eric, "I've been all alone for six months!
I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."